chapter four

the rain hit the windows with a calming and steady rhythm as dawn crept over the countless roofs of new york city for another lazy sunday. rachel listened to it while humming a not specific melody and thought about shifting her position. she could feel her legs fall asleep but if she moved, blaine would have to move too and he seemed so content and comfortable, sprawled all over her, his head on her shoulder and his arm lying on her chest.

they had made love again. and as usual after they'd done it, silence lingered on them like the earthy scent of their bodies, collapsed on each other. she knew that she was going to say something. she'd been dragging it out for almost four weeks.

four weeks in which they spent their days like friends and their nights as lovers with the occasional kiss he stole from her in the middle of the day. it felt natural, like they'd never done anything else. but they didn't talk about it. and it had started to eat at her soul. why didn't he want to acknowledge what was happening? why - if he insisted on sleeping with her on three of five nights - wouldn't he admit that there was something going on? why wouldn't he say out loud that he wanted her, like he knew so well to say with body-language. all it took was a nudge of his chin on her shoulder and she knew what was going to happen. and she ever so willingly obliged every single time. of course his offers where too good to decline.

though she she considered not putting out, make him see that she wasn't there for him to will over but that she wanted something in return. what that was, she wasn't even sure herself. but it was more than the silence he offered her afterwards.

he just wouldn't verbalize it, not anything, he never said anything aloud and it was slowly killing her.

she took a deep and heavy breath and blaine, perceptive as he was, immediately looked up at her with raised eyebrow in a concerned matter.

she sighed barely audible and fixed her eyes on his. his green-brown's darkened visibly. she knew and he knew. they were both aware of what she was going to say and she almost felt like he was bracing himself, seeing him biting his lip in anticipation of something grave as she opened her mouth.

"what are we even doing, blaine?", her voice was barely more than a louder breath and he took his time before he answered.

oOo

"i don't know", blaine said truthfully and knew she would flinch with hurt before it happened that's why he was quick to add, "but it feels good, it feels...really good...to me"

"and where does that leave me?", rachel asked hushed, "you feel good, fine, great but what about me?"

he tilted his head, signalizing her that he wanted her to elaborate and also because he didn't want to risk saying anything just yet. he'd heard the pointedness and the accusation in her voice very well, even if she thought she had concealed it well behind nonchalance.

"i'm confused with this, blaine. confused with you. i mean, i know what i want and i wouldn't do what we do with you if i wasn't sure", she continued and nailed him down to his spot with her piercing stare, "but you don't even seem fazed. it's like you come to me every night and we have sex and then we never act like anything of importance has happened. but it did, blaine. and i want to know how you feel about this. if maybe this is just physical for you because for me it isn't. i don't just go around having sex. i don't do random sex. and i think it's about time you told me what this is for you because if i'm just convenient because there currently isn't some beau to shag in your life, i don't want to do this anymore"

"wait a second", he'd seldomly gotten up so quickly as he did now; in a matter of seconds he was on his knees before her and he also wasn't whispering at all anymore, "are you serious? do you...god, rachel, do you really think it's like that for me?"

her persistent expression failed just a little at the nervous twitch of her eyebrow, looking up at him, almost like she was afraid. he didn't care much though. if she really thought he just slept with her because she provided the most convenient hole, she would have to deal with his raised voice.

"i want you to listen to me now, carefully", he said and then lowered his voice along with his body, putting his elbow beside her head on her pillow to steady himself, "i don't talk about this because i'm confused as hell, just like you and i know that if i was a better man, i would not touch you anymore before i'm really sure about what is happening to me right now. but i'm not. i can't keep away from you. if you're anywhere near me, i need to have you close. the second i see your lips, i want to do this..."

he kissed her very softly, awaiting her reaction and only deepened it when she returned the kiss.

"but this is all new to me, rachel", he whispered against her warm skin, "i've never been good at these things but i don't want to loose you. in fact i want the opposite"

"blaine", she half panted, half whimpered and as every time when she said his name that way he felt his body lit on fire, "why can't you just say it, say it like you made me say it"

"but you never said anything", he said, closing his grip around her and he couldn't help the tiny smile that shaped his mouth at her willingness to his touches.

and then, with a little effort, she lifted her head until she was level with his and he could feel her breath caress the skin of his neck.

"i love you, blaine, i'm in love with you and i want to be with you, officially, exclusively, i love you", she nibbled on his skin then and he couldn't think with the blood thumping through his brain at her words and the butterflies that flew a parade all through him, "there, i said it"

they parted and she looked him square in the eye, waiting and even in the dim light he could see that she was blushing, the only thing revealing her tension, her anxiety at the confession beneath her hard and blazing features.

"i love you too", he said finally, not blinking, not looking away, "i don't know how but i do. and i want what you want"

and the wide smile rachel gave him then was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen up to this point and it was burned down into the tissues of his brain and would never ever leave him. he would remember her looking at him like this until the day he died.

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