Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: Cladwell has given up on the musical and is holding auditions for a new movie. Problems occur when Cladwell has no idea how to conduct an audition, no one else knows how to audition, and an issue crops up that plagues many directors.

Mr. Cladwell sat behind his desk on the day of the audition. Ten people had signed up to audition. Only two of them were men. This could turn out to be a problem.

The two men came in first. One of them was McQueen. He was really bad. For some reason, he had decided to recite a monologue said by a really manly character, then showed up to the audition in purple dress pants and hot-pink heels, as usual. The other one was some random guy, who decided to do a dance routine. When Cladwell asked if he could recite something, he decided that this meant to recite the alphabet. Cladwell buried his face in his hands. There went his perfect family.

He decided it was only fair to proceed with the auditions. The first woman to audition was Ms. Brotworst. She decided to sing a song from some musical Cladwell had never heard of. Cladwell didn't care, since there was no singing involved in his new idea. Ms. Vyper actually did an appropriate audition piece, but Cladwell could barely tell since he could hardly hear her. Next came his secretary, who seemed more interested in flirting with him than in actually auditioning. When the two of them had put their clothes back on and she left, he finally called in the next person, and the next, and the next. There were only two women left. So far, no one was appropriate for either role.

One more woman came in. She did her part and was actually pretty good. He thought she would probably end up with the part, but then remembered he didn't have a man to play her husband, so he couldn't actually do the video. Wondering how he was going to tell the staff this, Cladwell called in the last person—Mrs. Millennium.

She was actually pretty good. She did a monologue from a play, and she was probably the best actual audition so far. There was only one problem, and it was the reason Mrs. Millennium had never made it in show business, no matter how hard she tried. That woman had the most disturbing face Mr. Cladwell had ever seen. She had huge, dark eyebrows that seemed to get bigger all the time. She had weird lips, too, and always had her face so it looked like she just swallowed a lemon and smelled some pee at the same time. How on earth could she be part of his perfect family? And in any case, no one was there to play her husband.

"Well, thank you," Cladwell said, and Mrs. Millennium left. Cladwell had no idea what he should do. He was no better off than he had been when he started. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Damn," Cladwell thought to himself, realizing he had completely forgotten about his scheduled meeting with Senator Fipp about the latest legislation regarding campaign financing and giving corporations freedom of speech. "Come in," He said. The door opened, and Fipp walked in.

"Well, Fipp, how are things on the floor of the Legislature?" Cladwell asked.

"Swimmingly, Mr. Cladwell. They know perfectly well who paid for the last one. How are things down here?"

"Well, I'm trying to make a video with my staff members as the actors, but they all suck."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I wanted the video to be about a family. I don't have any guys, though. Only two guys auditioned, and one of them barely even counts as a guy. The other one recited the alphabet for his monologue. I don't know what to do."

"Well, what about a non-traditional route? After all, I—"

"I KNOW, Fipp!"

"Well, anyway, do you have other actors?"

"I'm planning to use Dr. Mort's two kids for the children in the video, but I don't know for sure about a woman. Most of the girls on my staff can't act. Only two of them were decent."

"Which ones were they?"

"One of them was Uta, and the other was Mrs. Millennium." Cladwell showed Fipp pictures of the two. He kept pictures of everyone on his staff, just in case it should come in handy sometime. "It doesn't matter though, I don't have—" And then the idea came to him. "Fipp!"

"Yes, Cladwell?"

"You can be the man in the video. All right?" Of course it was all right. Cladwell did his little head-moving thing that hypnotized people and no one was sure how he did.

"Sure, of course," said Fipp. "I think Uta should be my wife, though."

"Certainly," Cladwell said. "Senator, my problems are solved in this area. Now, if you'll go and fix the problems on the floor of the Legislature, we should be in Rio in no time."

"Right away," Fipp said, and danced out of the room to music that had mysteriously begun.

The next day at the UGC, Cladwell called all of his staff together to announce the audition results.

"The cast for the new UGC video, directed and produced by me, will be as follows," Cladwell said. "The narrator will be played by Officer Lockstock. The husband, Mr. Smith, will be played by Senator Fipp."

"Aw, man!" groaned Alphabet Guy, who Cladwell had just remembered was actually named Kurt.

"I can still be the wife, though, right?" said McQueen.

"NO!" yelled Cladwell.

"But they didn't even audition!" whined Kurt.

"Shut up! Anyway, the wife will be played by Uta. Jane and Valerie Diane Mort will appear as themselves. And Mrs. Millennium will play the woman who decides to destroy the perfection!"

Uta grinned, proud of herself. Dr. Mort grinned, happy that his children would play such an important role in the new world. Mrs. Millennium was glad to have gotten a part, even one that she hadn't known existed. Cladwell had, in fact, decided to change things up a little to give the story some conflict. He realized that if the characters in the video were all perfect, the story wouldn't be that interesting, and that using an ugly person to represent the villain of the story could only be an added benefit. He had also added a narrator for the sake of a certain cop who spent half his time pretending to have an audience anyways.

"Can I be the sexy waitress who seduces—"

"That will be all, McQueen!" Cladwell interrupted.

"But I think—" McQueen protested.

"How many times do I have to tell you, SHUT UP!" Cladwell yelled. Then he remembered that he had hypnotizing powers and used them on everybody just to be safe. "Those of you who are actually in the movie, I have had the filming schedule printed up and delivered to each of your offices. If I need any more actors, I will ask for them, but I probably won't. Now, go back to what you were doing."

And so they did.