AN/Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you keep liking the story. I am fully aware that many of the original readers are no longer following this story, but I can't stand to leave it unfinished.
And, thank you to reviewers who prod me to continue this story. I really do listen. The hardest thing with this story is to come up with more items for 'The List' so if you think of any, let me know :)
"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of the dreams."
-Anon
Knocking on the door softly three hours later, Penelope batted a stray lock of hair out of her eyes.
Sometimes genius took time.
Emily answered the door, wordlessly gesturing for Garcia to enter.
"How is she?" Garcia asked softly, hoping that JJ hadn't fallen asleep on the couch.
Emily nodded towards JJ's sleeping frame and ushered Penelope toward JJ's TV room a fair distance away from where JJ was now asleep. "She'll probably feel better once she wakes up." Emily shrugged following Garcia toward JJ's giant sectional that took up a majority of JJ's TV room.
Penelope shook her head sadly as she descended the small flight of stairs and plopped down on JJ's couch, "Probably not. She usually wakes up just as tired as she did before she fell asleep. It's the drugs she's on, the medicine makes her tired."
Emily fell silent for a second, her heart breaking for her sick friend. Noticing the way Garcia's shoulders slumped as if she herself weere carrying an enormous load, she narrowed her eyes in concern, "How are you holding up?" Emily queried, picking up a throw pillow and resting it under her arm as she looked at her tired friend with concern. Though JJ was the one going through chemo, Garcia looked far too worn to provide a healthy support for their sick friend.
"Me? This isn't about me!" Garcia sputtered in surprise. "This is about JJ."
"True." Emily observed, suddenly gaining a flash of insight into her friend, "But JJ also isn't the one who is estranged from her brothers. JJ isn't the one who lost her parents at 18. JJ-"
"Has cancer." Garcia finished for her, interrupting Emily's observation. "and I can be there for her. I can make it better."
"Penelope..." Emily sighed, realizing her observation was more well-placed than she had previously thought.
"And the list...I can give her hope...She's going to be okay." Garcia brushed Emily's concern away as she picked up the piece of paper that was neatly folded in her purse. "This is the key."
"Garcia," Emily sighed. "You have to accept that things might not be okay."
"I don't have to accept anything!" Penelope huffed, looking to her friend in complete surprise. "Everything is going to be fine. I can't believe you'd say that!" Garcia shook her head in disgust. "How could everything not be okay?"
The question hung in the air thickly, the contradiction to Garcia's words embodied in the fact that the two women were seated in JJ's living room, waiting for the other woman to wake up while Henry spent the day at Will's apartment because JJ was just too damn tired to also care for her son.
Things weren't fine by a longshot.
After a moment, Emily let the issue drop, familiar enough with avoidance theories to recognize that Garcia wasn't about to suddenly change her outlook and acknowledge the severity of the situation.
"What's next on the list?" Emily asked, gesturing to the paper in Penelope's hands.
"Star Trek Movie Marathon." Penelope smiled as she read it. "What do you say, should we invite the guys over?"
"Invite the guys over for what?" JJ asked, leaning heavily against the railing as she descended the stairs. She wiped her hand over her eyes as if by doing so she could remove the dreary vestiges of sleep that seemed to plague her.
"The next item on the list!" Garcia chirped brightly. "If we get everybody over here now, we should be able to finish with the movies before midnight!"
"Really?" JJ asked, uncertain of whether she'd be able to make it to midnight. "I..."
"Don't worry about falling asleep during it." Penelope interrupted, "This is more for all the other members of the team to get together, if you'd feel up to it."
JJ flumped down onto her comfortable couch with a sigh, the very effort of walking from her front room zapping any reserved energy from her worn body. "Sure." She shrugged. "Will is bringing Henry home later tonight."
Penelope squealed as she threw her cell phone at Emily. "Call the troops, I'm making cookies!" She cried, jumping up from the couch and practically prancing around the corner to JJ's kitchen. "Wait! Jayje, seriously, you've got to look at this amazing scarf I found." She caught herself practically midair and returned to the items she had bought at the mall. "We can show off your new 'do' to everybody tonight." She grinned as she thrust the plastic sack into JJ's frail hands.
Emily chuckled as Garcia nearly danced with excitement. JJ shot Emily a knowing smirk as she emptied the contents onto her lap. She snorted as she looked at the bright bold colors that seemed far too flashy for the normally conservative blonde. "Wow." She smiled, fighting the chuckle that grew within her.
Fuchsia and gold slpotched cloth was not something she would have ever picked.
But sometimes it felt good to laugh.
Garcia grinned broadly, misinterpreting JJ's jovial mood for approval of her selection. "After I make cookies, we can shave your head. Should I shave mine too?" Penelope's eyes widened as she contemplated the thought. "That would be amazing!I've always wanted to shave my head. Jayje! That would be...I'll do it with you. Em will do it too!"
"Wait a minute..." Emily spoke up, willing to call all of the rest of the team to show her support, but unwilling to part with her dark locks on a whim.
It wasn't that she didn't want to support JJ, but cutting off her hair? That was a major decision.
Not something that could be decided in the time it took to make chocolate chip cookies.
JJ laughed easily, if fuchsia and gold weren't enough to send her into a laughing fit, surely the look on Emily's face was.
"Only one person will be shaving her head this afternoon, that will be me." JJ affirmed authoritatively, somehow managing to force the giggles from undermining her firm stance.
Penelope glared at Emily with disgust. "Fine." She grumbled, maintaining eye contact with the brunette profiler.
"JJ, what's this?" Emily asked, looking over the original list with curiosity. While Garcia had added all of the profiler's additional items, plus translating from JJ's horrible teenaged handwriting, to the back of the original document, Emily still enjoyed trying to decipher each one of JJ's original bucket list items.
"Which one?" JJ asked, running her tongue over a large sore that was starting to form in her mouth as Garcia carefully cut the remnants of JJ's long gorgeous hair.
"Number 15. 'B&T Love'?" Emily asked, uncertain if she was reading that correctly as she passed the paper back over to JJ.
To her surprise, JJ blushed. "Yeah. 'Buses and Trains Love'." She explained as if that made more sense.
Seeing Emily's eyebrow quirk silently in confusion, JJ smirked, forcing away her embarassment. "It was from a song."
"'Buses and Trains'?" Garcia asked, snapping up from the task in front of her that had captivated her attention. "JJ, I loved that song."
"I just...I wanted a love that felt like that." JJ admitted sheepishly, grateful that she wasn't at an actual barber's shop where she'd have to watch this transformation take place.
Losing your hair was hard enough without having to watch it happen.
"Well at least that's something we can cross off the list." Penelope sighed with a smile, picking up the shears and continuing her task.
"Wait, I still don't know what you are talking about." Emily interrupted.
"You know." JJ chuckled nervously, "I'm sure you've heard it before."
Emily snorted, "Grew up in Europe...so, probably not."
"I can't remember all of it," JJ hedged. Seeing Prentiss's expectant look, she sighed. "Fine. It talked about love and went something like, 'I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train, kept falling in love, which is kinda the same...I'm sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane, but it felt so good, I wanna do it again'."JJ sang the lyrics lightly, ignoring the blush she could feel creeping up her own cheeks. "I just always wanted a love like that."
"And with Will, you got that, right?" Garcia asked, grabbing the shaving cream. She bit her lip with just a moment's hesitation, forcing herself to focus on the positive.
JJ was going to look awesome with a scarf.
JJ glanced down at the hair that littered the garbage bags that covered her dining room floor. Nodding slowly, she cringed as Penelope put the cool foam against her scalp.
This was really happening.
"You had 'Buses and Trains Love' with Will, right?" Penelope asked again. It was better to keep JJ focused on the positive.
"Sure." JJ said, though the hesitation in her voice told them both she was anything but honest with the statement.
"Are you kidding me?" Emily turned on her formerly blonde friend. She had seemed genuinely happy with Will, and though most healthy relationships failed to completely measure up to the romanticised version of love sung about by artists and depicted in the media, Emily had always thought JJ and Will were the real deal.
JJ bit her lip, uncomfortable with both the question and the fact that her best friend was removing the last shards of her hair—something that had always been the feature she loved most about herself.
It wasn't that she was so caught up in appearances that she couldn't handle being bald.
It was just that...it was hard.
Surgery that marred her chest, drugs that stole her long hair—this disease felt as if it had stolen everything that made her herself.
Everything that made her a woman.
And she hated it.
"I loved him." JJ explained, "It was just...different. It was...hard." Hearing the way the explanation sounded, she cringed, "Not like that, Will's an easy person to love, it was just hard for me to—to let myself go."
Emily watched as JJ furrowed her brow in careful self assessment. As she watched Garcia scrape away the remaining shaving cream, she shook her head.
This was just so unfair.
JJ should get the love she had dreamed of, and if anyone deserved a life full of contentment, it was Jennifer Jareau. And now, Emily Prentiss silently vowed, she would do anything to make certain JJ got the 'Buses and Trains Love' that she wanted.
Truth be told, she had just the candidate.
"There!" Garcia beamed, nabbing the bright colored scarf and wrapping it carefully along JJ's now gleaming scalp. "That looks fantastic!" She exclaimed, handing JJ a small mirror. "Check it out. Perfect."
JJ traced the line where the fabric met her brow. Is this what her life had come to? Forcing a smile on her face, she looked over to her friends who were watching her intently. "It looks great."
Only Emily seemed to see the devastation that JJ somehow managed to carefully bury beneath the surface of her emotions. "It does, doesn't it?" Garcia grinned brightly.
Ding Dong.
The ringing of JJ's doorbell sounded, alerting the women that the party was about to start. JJ sighed, plastering on the happy face lest her friends detect her utter despair.
Tonight, when she was alone, she would mourn the loss of her femininity.
Now, it was time for movies.
"'Wrath of Khan', as you will see, is by far the best Star Trek movie to date." Reid explained as he stepped into JJ's TV room with a fresh plate of cookies. "If you..."
"Kid, nobody cares." Derek rolled his eyes, carefully watching JJ out of the corner of his eye for any sign of distress. Though he considered JJ like a sister, he would do anything to see her happy and make her smile again.
He felt a surge of knowing excitement as he saw Hotch too watching JJ closely.
Maybe something could develop between the two former colleagues.
Emily, sitting next to him on JJ's ginormous couch, nudged him slightly and nodded her approval. Catching her eye easily, he smirked. A plan was brewing, and he and Prentiss were definitely on the same page.
JJ heard a soft knock on the door before the front door opened, signalling the return of her son. "Mommy!" Henry cried barrelling toward her and crashing against her legs. JJ smiled and tried to fight the wince she was sure every one could see as Henry practically jumped all over her while babbling like the carefree toddler he was.
"Let me take him upstairs and put him to bed." Garcia insisted softly, scooping up the excited child who wriggled in her arms. "Whew, somebody's had a lot of sugar today." She mused.
"Candy! Candy! Candy!" Henry shouted, eliciting a chuckle from the profilers.
Will smiled at Henry's exhuberance, but cringed as he realized he had unintentionally made it harder for JJ to manage their son. "G'night Henry."
As Penelope wrestled Henry up the stairs to the second story, JJ struggled to stand up from the couch, determined to amicably usher her ex-boyfriend from her home.
"Will, do you want to join us? We're just about to start the 'Wrath of Khan'." Reid smiled warmly.
"Uh, that's ok." Will declined, holding out a hand to help JJ ascend the couple of stairs to the main floor. "I uh...I'm sorry about the candy." He apologized, hoping he hadn't crossed some boundary he wasn't aware of. The last thing he wanted to do was to make JJ's life harder, and he definitely should have thought of the repercussions of stuffing their son's mouth with candy and sugar from the fair. "I probably should have warned you first, or made sure we ran the sugar off before I brought him home. I should have..."
JJ waved her hand dismissively, "It's fine." She smiled awkwardly as they stepped back into the front room away from prying eyes. "You look good." She admitted genuinely.
"You too." He shifted uncomfortably, not really sure what he was supposed to say.
"Are you sure you don't want to come join us?" JJ smiled, blinking quickly to try to push the exhaustion away. "The more the merrier when it comes to Star Trek."
"You know from experience?" Will teased, laughing easily.
"At least that's what I've been told." JJ chuckled. "But really, you're welcome to stay unless—"
Will's smile faded quickly as he stumbled over his own words. "Oh, I'd love to, but...well—"
"If it's awkward, you don't have to." JJ quickly amended, cursing the fact that she would give Will even the slightest hint of reconciliation. "I mean..."
"No!" Will held up his hand quickly, cringing as he saw JJ's eyes cloud with doubt as she reached up to finger the scarf wrapped around her newly bald head, obviously self conscious. "It's just...I have a date."
"Oh." JJ blinked. "Good." She smiled a little too brightly to be believed.
Thankfully, Will didn't call her on her bluff. "It's just—you told me you want me to date other people..."
"I do!" JJ insisted. "I'm glad you're moving on. I'm glad you're happy."
Will bit his lip, fully aware of how awkward this really was. He could only imagine if the situation was reversed and JJ was the first to date. It wasn't that he held bad feelings against JJ. It was just hard to move on. "I'm going to go." He said, cursing his own lack of tact and inability to come up with an adequate alternative excuse.
"Have a good time." JJ said, only slightly feigning the sincerity in her voice.
"I will." Will grinned. "Let me know the next time you need me to take Henry off your hands."
"Sure." JJ smiled, gripping the door and closing it behind Will's retreating figure. JJ rested her head lightly against the frame of the door, wondering just exactly when her life had turned into such a mess.
"That was awkward." Hotch's deep voice startled her from her self-evaluation.
"I think that was the definition of awkward." JJ agreed as she turned around to face him. Taking in the coat draped along his arm and the keys in his hands, she smirked in surprise. "Leaving already?"
"Too much Star Trek for one night and I start to feel like Reid." Hotch chuckled.
"That's just because you've already seen all of them." JJ teased.
"I told you that in confidence." Hotch stepped back, feigning hurt. It was nice to see JJ able to tease other people like she used to—because lately, she just seemed as if a sliver of her former self.
And damn it if he didn't love her more for going through this struggle.
Fighting the emotions that seemed to grow within him, he shook his head.
Now was neither the time, nor the place.
"For what it's worth, I think you look beautiful." Hotch smirked, kissing JJ's cheek as he tossed his jacket over his shoulder. "But I'd better get home to Jack before Jessica adopts him." He winked, "Good night JJ."
"Good night Hotch." JJ smiled, opening and closing the door behind him. Her fingers gingerly touched the still tingling spot where his lips had touched her cheek, innocently restoring her self confidence in a single gesture.
Sometimes she wondered if it were possible to love a man more.
"In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends."
-John Churton Collins