Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: Dr. Mort's replacement comes to UGC headquarters. As one of the veteran staff, Mrs. Millennium is put in charge of showing her around, introducing her to the staff, and most importantly, teaching her the blocking!

The day after that, a new worker arrived at the UGC. Her name was Dr. Billeaux, and she was the UGC's new mad scientist, replacing Dr. Mort.

Cladwell had asked Mrs. Millennium to show Dr. Billeaux around, so Mrs. Millennium did that. She first showed her the first floor.

"Well, this is the front office," Mrs. Millennium said. "People who are coming into the building come through here first. Everyone has to go through security over here. That's just an extra precaution, times being what they are. Ms. Daaz works the front office. She's all right, but she's always really busy, so don't bother her unless you need to."

They moved on to the second floor. In total, the building had exactly 73 and a half floors. The half was a little platform that had been added to the top as an addition to the little surprise that awaited certain people up there. As Millennium and Billeaux went from floor to floor, the offices of more important people were housed there until they would get to the 63rd floor, which contained the office of Caldwell B. Cladwell himself. His office took up the entire floor, and a pair of giant doors led into it from the small area where the elevators were. The next ten floors contained the labs, strategy planning rooms, conference halls, swimming pool, tennis courts, gym, movie theater, and blank space for extra suspense. Of course, nobody ever really used the swimming pool, tennis courts, gym or movie theater except for Cladwell and his daughter, except if it was a special occasion or he specifically invited them, which didn't happen that much. There was just too much to do around the UGC.

But Millennium and Billeaux hadn't gotten there yet. Before they got there, they passed McQueen's office ("once you meet him, you'll never mistake anyone else for him." "Why is that?" "Well, barely any other guys work for the UGC for some reason, but even out of the ones who do, he's the only one who wears pink heels. There was one other guy who wore black heels, but McQueen was like, 'oh no, you didn't!' and the other guy said, 'What?' and McQueen said, 'you tryin' to copy me? Well, you just some old black and white copy from some copy machine that had been spilled coffee on, had sex on and kicked by some bored guy, LIKE ME! Oh no! oh snap! There's only room for one real woman around here!' and Senator Fipp was like, 'you called?' and McQueen was like, 'go away' and—" "I think I get the picture." "Okay. But seriously, he usually just follows whatever Cladwell tells him to do. I never saw him like that before and never have since."), the copy room ("Yes, this room houses the copy machine that's been spilled coffee on, had sex on and kicked by some bored guy." "Like McQueen?" "Yeah. It still works, though."), Ms. Brotworst's office ("If she didn't work here, she'd be on Broadway." "You mean, if she didn't work here and Broadway still existed?" "Yeah, that'd be about right. Sometimes I miss those days… But I know Mr. Cladwell will make all our lives better than they ever would have been."), a whole bunch of other people's offices, and finally, they got to the 63rd floor. When they got outside Cladwell's office, they heard voices in there.

"I told you, Fipp, just because you're starring in my movie doesn't mean you can just forget about the legislature! They had to vote without you on the new fee hike bill—and you started it in the first place! This is an embarrassment—to me, and I would hope, to you!"

"Okay, we probably shouldn't go in there right now," said Mrs. Millennium. Dr. Billeaux nodded in agreement.

"But you were the one who called filming to be at the same time as the v—I mean, I'm so sorry, Mr. Cladwell, it definitely won't happen again," Fipp said.

"Exactly, Fipp," Cladwell replied. "As my secret representative in the Legislature, you should try to ensure that these votes happen on time! If it had happened two days before, when it was scheduled to be, there would have been no problem, would there?"

"Of course not," said Fipp.

"Well, at least it passed," said Cladwell. "We were lucky this time. Well, that's all for today. You know when the next time is that you have to come for filming?"

"Yes, Cladwell. Four days from tomorrow—"

"Why did you just say four days from tomorrow? Couldn't you just say five days from now?"

"Yes, I definitely could. But anyway, it's then, at the house we're using."

"Exactly. Well, Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Cladwell."

The door opened and Fipp walked out. He nodded briefly to Mrs. Millennium, got in the elevator and was gone. The doors to Cladwell's office closed, and Millennium and Billeaux were left standing outside.

"Well, even though Fipp's gone, Cladwell probably doesn't want to be bothered right now," Mrs. Millennium said. "In case you don't know, that guy who just left was Senator Fipp. He's our state's senator, or one of them anyway, and before you ask, I'm not sure what state that is either. Nobody seems to know, so it's probably not important. Anyway, he's a senator and he and Cladwell, should I say, help each other out often." She winked in an attempt to convey what she meant, but really just looked even more demented than usual. "Also, if he tries to flirt with you, he does that with everybody, except for me for some reason, including guys. That's even though I'm pretty sure he's married."

"He is? Really?" asked Billeaux.

"Yeah, I think so. There was definitely a woman named Fipp in here a while back, and who else could it possibly be? Although they looked kind of similar, maybe it was his sister. But why would his sister be here? I was pretty sure his sister refused to have anything to do with him when he went to politics, and pretty soon after that, she ended up in Urinetown. It's all so weird."

"Why do you know all that stuff about his sister, but you don't know if he's married or not?"

"Well, the thing with his sister was news around the UGC. We know every time someone goes to Urinetown, of course. Anyway, back to the tour. Cladwell's secretary, Ms. Hornblower, is probably in his office now. She's a really sweet woman, and pretty too, but don't be deceived—the rumors have been flying ever since she 'suddenly' became Cladwell's personal secretary. But never mind that. If you have to deal with anyone around here, she's probably the nicest one. Now, Mr. Cladwell himself… seriously, do not bother him. EVER. Unless there's a really big problem that you've already gone to the other relevant people about. If he asks you to do something, DO IT. This should be obvious. Now, he has a little yellow whistle that he always wears around his neck. It may look silly, but the last person who laughed at it was demoted to toilet cleaning duty—and you know the state of toilets these days. Anyway, when he blows the whistle, all the staff have to march in—no walking, running, skipping etcetera allowed, you must MARCH in—and stand in a line from shortest to tallest. Shortest starts on the right. You'd probably be somewhere near me, from the looks of you. This usually happens in one of two situations. Either he has to talk to all of us and it's short notice, so he couldn't just call a meeting, or he's introducing us to someone. If he's introducing us to someone, he's going to blow the whistle again once we're all in line, and the shortest person—as of now that'd be Liesel—marches forward and says their name. As they march back, the second person steps forward and so on. It took everyone ages to get it right the first time. Cladwell changed it about a trillion times. Since I've been here the longest out of just about anybody who's still here, I have to tell all this stuff to the new people, and there's more. If Cladwell gestures with his hands like this, it means… well, it could actually mean any more of a number of things. For now, just do whatever you see everyone else doing. Everyone catches on soon enough, once they start working here. It's almost creepy, really. And the one other thing: You know how Cladwell would always say, "Look the other way while we run this company the way we see fit, and we will keep the pee off the streets and the water in the ground"? Well, he still says that a lot, so if he does, on 'look', you do this"—Mrs. Millennium put her right hand up as if she were shielding her eyes, and turned her head to the side—"on the second 'we'—not the first or the third, a lot of people did that when we were first learning this—you do this"—she pointed to herself with both her thumbs—"and on 'fit', you stomp your foot and point to the ground with your right hand. Then, after he's done, you pump your right fist in the air twice and say, 'Hear, hear!' Wow, that was the longest time I've ever just talked for in a really long time. Now, let's run that whole thing!"

So they did that, and as you can imagine, it took a really, really, REALLY, REALLY long time.