Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
Enjoy The Silence-Anberlin
June 23: One Day Less Of Pure Hell
"I'll make Mom Pay for this, sending me to this hellhole"
"What Is that sound! Is that a alarm clock! Who are these people"
Pulling the covers off of me, I groaned! I looked to the side of me, to see the alarm clock had read 12:00! Are you serious, it's a Saturday and they're waking me up! Me, out of all people!
I groaned again, when I heard the loud knock on the door. "Gabriella! Its time to get up, honey"
I sighed loudly and , And threw the covers off of me and groaned again! I mumbled very nasty and bad words as I made my way to the bathroom! Tying, my hair in a tight messy bun!
I opened the door to see Lucille standing, smiling and I rolled my eyes! "Good Morning, or shall I say Good Afternoon" She said and I rolled my eyes before sighing
"How about Goodbye" I mumbled sarcastically under my breath, enough for she wouldn't hear!
"How about you get dressed and meet me downstairs when your finish! Jack and I would like to have a talk with you"
I scratched the back of my neck and sighed then smiled fakely and said "Okay, be right down" before Lucille smiled back and headed back down the hallway! I slammed the door and walked back over to the bed, before dropping to the ground! And picking my notebook and snapping the rubber band off of It and opened It! I turned to the my "To Do Before I Die" List!
1. Go Sky Diving
2. Kiss In The Rain
3. Have My Portrait Painted
4. Lose My Virginity
5. Get Into A Fist Fight With A Grown Man
6. Get A Tattoo(See Pg 27)
7. Learn How To Really Paint
8. Learn How To Ride A Unicycle
Taping my chin and thinking I thought what do before, well what about Cliff diving? No I already have Sky Diving! But Cliff Diving would be such a rush! God, I just wished I could die already! I wish I could be where Dad was! Gone! Not here anymore! That's exactly where I want to be, Dead! If I killed my self right now! Mom could save marriage number nine! Or Lucy and Uncle Jack wouldn't have to deal with me, for the next three whole months and Troy, he coul_! Forget Troy! He nothing other than egoistic lunkhead arrogant asshole! Even if I haven't seen in him in more than 10 years, I still think he's the jerk he always been! I know we just little kids but I just! Uggh! Forget It! I don't believe In that "People Can Change" Shit! Whatever! If people change, I wouldn't be sitting here right now!
I snapped the rubber band back unto my notebook and sighed before stuffing It under my mattress and standing up to go over to the mirror! When I looked In Mirror, I saw this girl, who just wanted to end It all! But really in the inside, maybe she just wanted someone to love her! Pssh! I don't need anyone! I'm better off, just being alone by myself!
After getting dressed, I walked down the stairs to see Jack and Lucille talking silently among themselves. I shrugged and walked over to the table and sat down, getting Lucille and Jack to look up! "Oh, Gabriella! Are you hungry! I made you a sandwich, you know since you missed breakfast"
I looked down at the plate before and I frowned! I sighed before picking up the sandwich and held It to my mouth. I shook my head, before placing the sandwich back down! "I'm not hungry"
I looked up to see Lucille and Jack's worried/mixed emotions faces and Lucille shared a look with Jack before staring at me again. "Are you sure, honey! I mean, you didn't eat dinner last night and then you missed breakfast then now you wont" I cut Lucille off before she could finished and sighed
"I'm fine, I really don't eat that much anyway, anymore"
"Okay, but Gabriella! There's something that we have to tell you"
"Okay, we got an call from your mother and she told all about the problems that been going at home and about what happened! Gabriella, you have to move on and get on with on with your life and enjoy It! You're smart and drop dead gorgeous and I think you just might be even more gorgeous by wearing your hair down, you always have It in a ponytail or bun because you're just scared of to show people how much beautiful you really are. And I understand honey, what you been through by using your father and how you lost your father. We know what happened that day, really traumatized you but" I cut her off before she could finished
"You know, I'm done! I'm tired of people trying to give me the little talk, like Its going to change anything but you know what! Its Not! I just want to die and dad's death has nothing to do with It! Listen the whole summer, I lock myself up in the room and you wont have to see me for the next three months. These are the rules, I do whatever I wont, when I want and I come home when I want! That's how It Is at Maria's. And If you guys got a problem with that, take It up with Maria, she's the one that dumped me on you guys anyway. But if you if excuse I really cant stand being here right now, so I'm leaving" I said rather coldly before pushing my chair out and walking toward the front door
If Only Dad was here…He would understand…
When I walked out the door, I slammed It behind me and I stopped when I heard a loud noise! It sounded like someone banging something against metal or like a gate! Like a ball! I walked over the backyard gate and I opened It, walking following the noise! As I walked the noise got more clearer and I stopped to see, two boys playing basketball! Then I saw him! As, he dribbled the ball, sweat dripped down from his now matted hair that stuck in different parts to his forehead, the large biceps and muscles! I shook my head, and continued to focus my attention on him! That's when he tossed the ball into the hoop and It bounced off the rim, rolling over to where I stood! He froze when he finally noticed me and grinned
"Gabriella" He said and I snapped out of my thoughts, trying my best trying to stare at his half naked "Adonis" figure! But I couldn't help to gnaw down at my lip the sculpted abs and muscles! Oh God! Gabriella! Its Troy! Stop staring at him!
Finally that's when I met his ultramarine eyes gazing at me and I sighed "Huh?"
"You were just standing there, staring! Like you were daydreaming"
"Well, I'm sorry! I guess, Ill be going now" I replied coldly and heading towards the gate
"Wait, Gabriella! You can stay if you want"
"No Thank You" I said before heading back into the back way of the house! God, I just wished I would die! Life is such a drag! I continued to walk until I noticed a room that I have never noticed before! I pushed open the door and realized It was a den! I remember coming in here as child playing on the piano! I walked over to the piano and slid my fingers across the black and white keys, making a slight music start! I pressed down on the black key and a loud baritone sound was made and I sat down on the seat and continued! I felt my eyes start prick with tears! I remember my dad would always encourage my to sing, after he died I stopped! My fingers started press the keys and I hummed along with the tune. Soon, I started singing the lyrics…
Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Ooh, ooh
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end '
Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear her, mama cryin' for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying' for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don't do it usually
But Lord, she's dyin' to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream
I stopped playing, when I heard a loud creak and I quickly wiped my eyes and turned around surprisely to find Troy with a astonished look on his face.
"Wow!" Was All He said
"You have an amazing voice, Gabriella!" He said and I couldn't help to smile but I didn't show It! I hurried up and turned my head before he could notice the redness of my face! Oh God! Was I blushing!
"Did you follow me?" I snapped and he just frowned then I shook my head!
"Look I'm sorry, I'm just really pissed off! Everyone had just been thumbtacks in my ass lately"
"Its okay, Dollface! May I" He said and I rolled my eyes
"Don't call me that, Bolton" I snapped and he bit down at his lip and sighed "Sit" He sat down right next to me! I couldn't help to inhale his sweet scent! His smelled like Honeysuckle and Vanilla! Even, though he just got finished playing basketball, he still smelled better than ever! Still, he hair was now wet and darken and stuck in parts on his forehead! I wonder what his hair felt like! Was It soft or rough? I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw his start press the keys and play a familiar tune!
"I love that song" I said and looked up at me and flashed me his beautiful smile! God, his smile was gorgeous! Oh God, Gabriella! What are you thinking?
"Really! Sing It with Me" He said and I twisted my mouth into a ball and frowned
"Now!" I said
"Yes, Now!" He said and I nodded before he continued playing.
Lately I've been thinking
About the things that we've been through
And I don't know if I'd be here,
If not for you
I had to take a little time
To try to work things out
And you should know that
I have never meant
To let you down
Cause I, I
Wanna tell you that I'm sorry
And I, I
Even when I'm not giving enough
And I'm taking too much
You're still there for me
Even when I got nothing at all
And I'm ready to fall
You're still there for me
There for me
There for me
I smiled as Troy sang, he voice was beautiful! I couldn't believe I was singing right here him! But he was beautiful! And those eyes! Those eyes, were like they see right through me!
Even when I can't be there for you
You're always there for me
Sometimes I know I can be
So hard to understand (It's ok)
Even when I'm lost
You show me who I really am
Life with me hasn't always been an easy ride
But because of you I've learned
To lose my selfish pride
Cause I, I
Wanna tell you that I'm sorry
And I, I
Even when I'm not giving enough
And I'm taking too much
You're still there for me
Even when I got nothing at all
And I'm ready to fall
You're still there for me
There for me
There for me
Even when I can't be there for you
Oh you're always there for me yeah
Oh no it's loveOoooouuhhh (Oooohhh)
It must be love
Ooohhh
It's gotta be real love (It's gotta be real love)
Even when I'm not giving enough
And I'm taking too much
You're still there for me
Even when I got nothing at all
And I'm ready to fall
You're still there for me
There for me
There for me
Even when I can't be there for you (When I can't be there)
Even when I can't be there for you
You're always there for me….!
When we finished I sat there staring in his eyes, and realized what doing! And awkwardly cleared my throat and stood up from the seat
" Um, I'm going to go take a walk" I said before walking out of the door! What in the hell just happened back there! I walked out the room and headed through the kitchen! There was no sign of Lucille and Jack, so I headed towards the front door before I heard Troy yell my name
"Wait, Gabriella! I'm coming too! Just wait here! Ill be back! I just want to take a quick shower and change" He said
"Um, Okay!" I said biting my lip awkwardly! After a like 15 minutes, Troy came back down the stairs and he grabbed his coat! I sat up from the seat, I was sitting In! And I saw that he was wearing a white buttoned up shirt and some regular blue jeans and his perfectly damp hair was combed into spikes! God! What was wrong with me?
"Ready to go" He said and I nodded then opened the door then I walked out and I started pacing down the sidewalks!
"Woah! Gabriella! Slow Down" He chuckled and I didn't say anything, I couldn't find the words to say but the first then that came to my mouth was something I knew I would regret
"Why are you being so nice to me? I mean like, why are you talking to me?" I snapped and Troy stopped and frowned at me
"What do you mean" He asked and I rolled my eyes
"I mean, why are you talking to me? Like did you not forget that you hated me, that you used to tease! Like seriously!"
"Look Gabriella, I'm sorry that I was such a jerk to you! We were little kids, and I guess I had a crush on you! Thought you were cute but that's over now! And I'm sorry about your dad, I guess I never got to tell you that" I sighed and nodded, kind of disappointed
"Okay, I guess" I said and continued walking until I saw a pier! Wow, they live near a pier!
I walked over the crosswalk and sat down on the bench! I sighed and buried my face into my hands! Before looking over, to see Troy sitting right next to me
"What's this" Troy said pointing the back pocket where my notebook, was easily visibly seen and I frowned, forgetting that I had taken my notebook from my under my mattress!
"Nothing" I tried to stuff the notebook back into my pocket but Troy had already snatched It away.
"To Do Before I Die" He read and I tried to snatch It back
"Bolton! Give me that! Stop!"
"1. Go Sky Diving, 2. Kiss In The Rain, 3 Have My Portrait Painted, 4. Lose My Virginity"
"GIVE IT BACK" I tried grabbed but he couldn't to read It
"Ways To Kill Yourself" He read and he frowned
"Self Immolation, Hanging, Suffocation" Troy frowned as I tried to grabbed It from him and finally I grabbed It back
"Gabriella, what's that! You want to kill somebody"
I snapped the rubber band back unto my notebook and stuffed back into my pocket. "Only Myself" I mumbled but he heard It
"Gabriella, you want to kill yourself? Why would you want to do something like that" He questioned
"I plan on killing myself before the summer ends" I said and tried to walk away but he grabbed my arm
"Let Go Of Me! Just leave me! Its none of your business! So just go fuck off" I angrily stomped off and started to walk back before Troy could catch up back with me!
I ran up to the door and opened It then ran up the stairs to my room and close the door before plopping unto the bed!
Why Me? If Only Dad Was Here?
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again...
If he was here, He would understand…