Congratulations on the mess you made of things;
On trying to reconstruct the air and all that brings.
And oxidation is the compromise you own
But this is beginning to feel like the dog wants her bones
saved
You force your fire then you falsify your deeds
Your methods dot the disconnect from all your creeds
And fortune strives to fill the vacuum that it feeds
But this is beginning to feel like the dog's lost her lead
This is beginning to feel like the long
winded blues of the never
This is beginning to feel like it's curling up slowly
and finding a throat to choke
This is beginning to feel like the long
winded blues of the never
Barely controlled locomotive consuming the picture
and blowing the crows, the smoke
This is beginning to feel like the long
winded blues of the never
Static explosion devoted to crushing the broken
and shoving their souls to ghost
Eternalized. Objectified.
You set your sights so high.
But this is beginning to feel like
the bolt busted loose from the lever
Never you mind
Death professor
Your structure's fine
My dust is better
Your victim flies so high
All to catch a bird's eye view of who's next
Never you mind
Death professor.
Love is life,
My love is better.
Eyes could be the diamonds
Confused with who's next
Never you mind
Death professor.
Your shocks are fine,
My struts are better.
Your fiction flies so high,
Y'all could use a doctor
Who's sick, who's next?
Never you mind
Death professor.
Electrified, my love is better
It's crystallized, so'm I.
All could be the diamond
Fused with who's next
This is beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever
This is beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever
This is beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever
DLZ-TV On The Radio
June 25: A Less Painful Night
I pulled the headphone from my ears when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door, revealing Troy leaning against the doorframe with a smirk plastered across his face.
"What do you want Bolton" I said and crossed my arms
"Well I wondering If I could cheer you up with a movie"
"A chick flick, the one and only The Notebook!" I giggled sighlty but stopped and rolled my eyes
"Come On you know you want to"
"Hmmm"
"I brought chocolate chip cookies"
"Hmmm, let me think"
"Come On, I also brought popcorn"
"Oh, Popcorn. Come In" I grabbed the large red bowl and sat down on the floor where the large bean bags were.
20 minutes later, of course Troy had fallen asleep. I giggled at his slight snores and mumbles. A few minutes later, I started to feel myself drift away.
Lucille and Jack stood in the doorframe as they watched Troy and Gabriella snuggle together asleep.
"20 bucks says they will be a couple by the end of the summer"
"20 bucks saying that they will be a couple by the end of July"
"That's too early but youre on"
Looking around, I opened my eyes and realized that I was in Troy's arms. Mhmm! He smells good! Oh My God! I jumped up causing Troy to wake up starled.
"What Happened"
"Nothing"
"I just wanna go to sleep"
"Oh" He said, scratching the back of his neck
"Well, Goodnight Bolton"
"Why Goodnight" Troy asked and chuckled
"Because Im sleepy" I lied and he pouted his lips and rolled his eyes
"Youre lying" He said and I rolled my eyes
"Now How do you know, Im lying?" I asked
"Because, Gabriella I can read you like a book! When youre mad, your eyes darken from normal almond chocolate brown color to black and when youre sad you look like about to cry, and when your happy, your eyes shine brighter like the sun"
"Seriously Troy, Im just sleepy"
"Okay then Ill just go" He said walking into the hallway and leaning against the doorframe and I sighed
"But Not without a goodnight kiss"
"Bite Me! Just Go" I giggled when he puckered his lips
"Okay, Okay! Ill leave!"
"GoodNight Troy"
"Wait Gabriella" He said when I was about to close the door
"What"
"You called me Troy" He smirked
"Yeah! And…" I asked stupidly
"You never call me, by my first name"
"Well I guess that's a first, isn't It" I said leaning against the doorframe
"Goodnight"
"GoodNight Gabriella"
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Alright
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know.
June 26: Paint, Paint, Paint
The Next Morning, I crept down the stairs and tip-toed into the kitchen where I sat at the island and reached into the cabin and pulled out a bowl. I grabbed the cereal and milk and sat down. Even though, I knew Lucy would probably be up in a hour or so to make breakfast, I couldn't wait! I was starving! I lifted the spoon to my mouth and gobbled It down.
"Well, Good Morning. It seems someone has been hungry after all, huh"
I spit out the cereal in my mouth and started coughing when I felt Lucy's hand patting my back. "I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to startled you"
"Its okay, I'm fine" I said and cleared my throat
"Mind If I join you" She said and I nodded
"Soooo, Gabriella! There something I been wanting to ask you"
"Uh, Huh! Yeah"
"Well, I have a two year membership card for the woman's spa, and Its says I could bring anyone along. I never used It, because I always busy but since you're here. I wondering would you like to go?"
Spa! Seriously!
"Seriously! I always wanted to get a facial"
"Great"
"But It wouldn't make a difference, I will always be this hideous person" I said before looking down and Lucy gasped
"Gabriella Marie Elizabeth Montez! Do you know, how beautiful you are! You're as pretty as Mongolia in May. You have natural beauty and those big gorgeous brown eyes. And those big and beautiful high cheekbones and this long pretty hair. If only people could see how beautiful It was if you didn't hide It all the time or always have It a ponytail. And you don't need makeup. I cant believe, you don't know how much of a gorgeous woman, you are. And you look your long lender tan legs and you're thin"
"You know what forget the spa, we'll go have our spa" Lucy grabbed my hand and rushed up the stairs
"Wait, what about my cereal" I said as she dragged my up the stairs and pushed me into her room! Glad Uncle Jack wasn't there
After a hour, Lucy finally smiled at her work and wiped her hands together
"There All Done" I stood up and walked over to the mirror and gasped.
'"Oh My God, Lucy" I couldn't believe I looked like a completely different person. My hair was in curls and I never wore my hair out. It just wasn't me. The suicidal rebellious teenage, Gabriella Montez. It was a new person, which made nervous. I didn't like change, but somehow, this seemed to change my mind.
"Lucy" Lucille stood up from her chair and came over to me, capturing both my hands into hers and looked me straight in the eyes.
"What Is It Dear" She said and I sighed. I felt breathless and I couldn't believe, what I was doing
"I'm sorry" I said and Lucy's stroked my hair and smiled
"For What Dear"
"For Everything, having to be sent here and snapping at you. I'm sorry for everything"
"Oh, Baby! Its okay! I know what you been through. I'm just glad that you don't feel like you want to die anymore"
I frowned and shook my head.
"No I still, want to die! Nothing can make me change my mind. I just want to end It all"
"Gabriella_"
"No, I'm sorry. Why Live, when there's nothing to live for" I replied and before Lucille could reply Jack walked into the room
"Oh, sorry! Did I interrupt anything" He said looking with a curious look on his face and when he was saw he gasped and smiled
"Oh My well look at you aren't you just beautiful" He said and twisting around one of my curls and he chuckled
"Well, actually Jack we were in the middle of something" Lucille said and I cut her off!
"Actually, I was just came up here to ask If Gabriella wanted to help me paint the fences outside and the walls in the guest room"
"Jack" Lucille warned and I stopped her
"No, Uncle Jack! I would love too"
"Gabriella, what about your hair" Lucy cried
"Its fine, Its not like I'm going to get paint in my hair" I said before, walking out of the room but I stopped to listen to Lucy and Jack's conversation
"Why are looking at me like that"
"Because Jack, you interrupted us! I almost got Gabriella to open up to me"
"Lucille, Its going to a lot more than just trying to build her self esteem to get her to open up! She's been through a lot! Just understand that, hunny!"
"I know you love her and you just want help! I love her too. Just wait she'll open up one day. Give her some time"
"Okay. I love you"
"Love you too, Luce"
I stopped listening and I frowned before walking into my room. Before, I saw Jack walk out the room and smile at me.
"What" I asked and he smiled
"Follow Me" Jack said walking towards a room and walked in then opened a drawer.
"Do you remember these" He said pulling a folded up jean-like fabric and I frowned. I looked closer and I finally realized they were overalls. He handed them to me and I unfolded them. I frowned again and realized something.
"Are these my dad's" I asked and Jack nodded
"I remembered that day, when you just a little girl, you and dad came over to help me paint the fences and had your little sundress on and your mom would have killed your dad if you got paint on your dress. So, he gave some of his overalls. I couldn't believe how big they were you. We had to roll your sleeves and up and everything. That day, your dad left them over here and he never" Jack stopped and looked up at me
"Anyways here, I thought you could you use these. You know" He handed them to me and I grabbed them and ran my hand over the jean fabric.
He turned around to face the door and I called his name. "Uncle Jack" He turned around and said. "Yes"
"Thank You"
Her eyes, her eyes
make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday (yeahh)
I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me "Do I look okay?"
I say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
'Cause you know I'll say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
The way you are
The way you are
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are.
I stood in of the mirror examining myself and tugged unto the suspenders of the overalls. I pulled the shirt up and inhaled the scent. Think I'm crazy or not, but I could still smell the sweet scent of my PaPa. I brushed my curls back and I looked once more in the mirror then walked out of the door. I walked down the stairs to find no one.
I frowned and walked towards the backdoor and pushed the door back to find Jack and Troy. I giggled when I saw, Troy mock his father as Jack explained to him to use slight strokes while painting the fences. This caught their attentions and they turned and looked at me.
"Well, Don't you look Just like David" Jack said
If only I remembered what my dad looked like. I lost mostly of my memories with him!
I turned my head and looked up to see Troy staring at me. Was It The Makeover?
"Isn't Gabriella, just beautiful. Love her new look" Jack said and a grin formed on Troy's lips
"Yeah, She Is" Troy remarked and winked at me. I felt a weird feeling come over me and redness flood to my face. Was I Blushing? God No? I shook my head to clear my thoughts and I tucked a curl behind my ear, and picked up a paintbrush
"Okay, where do we start" I walked over to the fences and stood there.
"Well, I have to go to the store and buy get some more paint because Troy Boy here ordered the wrong type and shade"
"Dad, the lady I spoke to didn't even speak English" I giggled slightly and Troy glared at me
"Oh, you think this is funny, Montez"
"Okay, you too stay here. Ill be back in soon" Jack said before leaving Troy and I alone
I leaned over to pick another paintbrush and I looked up to find Troy staring at me.
"What" I asked and he smirked
"You..You look Good, Montez. Finally revealing that hair of yours, since It always kept It hidden. I was starting to think you were bald"
"Shut Up Jerk" I said, which I accidentally flicked the paint from my paintbrush unto Troy's hair.
"Montez, look what you did" I giggled and he glared at me
"Oh, you think this funny" He said before flicking the brown paint from his paintbrush unto my face and I frowned
"You did Not just flick paint on me"
"Well, you did It first"
"Yeah by accident"
"How do you like this" I picked up the paint can pour It all over Troy's head. And I burst into laughter
"Oh, you think this is funny, Montez. Come here, give me a hug"
"Oh No! Bolton! These are my dad's overalls"
"Then Ill take them off" He smirked and started running towards me with paint. I took off the slipped them suspenders off and let the overalls fall off to look like jeans. And I grabbed the paint can and threw It on Troy.
He took the paintbrush and whacked me with the paintbrush. "Oh you're so dead, Bolton"
"Bolton, you are SO dead" I ran after him when I didn't realize he stopped when I fell right on him.
For a second, I thought our hearts had combined and our hearts matched. Pumping, pumping I felt my heart race more than It normally would do. As I froze into his icy stare and his beautiful ultramarine eyes. Then suddenly he pinned me to the ground, where I couldn't get up.
"Stay here down here, Ill be back! Stay here. Do not move" He got up off of me and I jumped up and ran into the house. I didn't move at all, I was too paralyzed and shocked to move. Finally, he came back out the backdoor, with a large camera and he ran over to me. He started snapping pictures, and I frowned.
"What was that" I said standing up
"I was taking the picture, that was just the perfect moment. You just looked so…beautiful"
"Covered In Paint? I didn't know you like to take pictures"
"Yeah, I wanted to become a photographer, my whole life but since I joined the basketball team in high school, and I just haven't had the time, to start on my photographs. My dad just really wants me to play basketball and get a scholarship to Albuquerque University"
"Why don't you talk to your dad about It"
"I don't know, It's just complicated situation. I guess I just want to make my dad happy"
"I know sometimes, you just want to make everyone around proud and happy but sometimes you got to think about yourself and ask, Am I happy?"
"Trust Me I know"
"Gabriella, when are going to ever answer my question? Why would you want to die"
"I think I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded, I think I'm going to go lay down. Tell Uncle Jack, I bailed out"
"See, now your ignoring the conversation"
"I'm not, I just want to go to take a nap. That's all"
"Gabriella"
"What" I snapped and Troy was taken back by my sharp
"Look, I'm sorry. I just don't like talking about this. I made my decision and I plan on killing myself before the summer ends and that's It. I mean why should I live, My mom only cares about saving her fucking marriage and my father dead. No one cares about me, I had to live depend on myself for the last 10 years. I don't need anyone, because I just don't. That is my motto, Trust No One because they always end up leaving you or killing their selves because they didn't love you"
"Gabriella, you know your dad loved you"
"Then Why did he leave me? Why did he do what he did to himself. Its because he hated me and he never wanted me. I'm worthless"
"Gabriella"
"No you don't understand. You have a Mother and Father that loves you and care about you while mines didn't. You have people that care about you. I don't"
"Gabriella, your dad loved you. Stop saying"
"Oh really because last time, I recalled he killed himself, and I happened to be there when It happened and he didn't stop" I yelled and stomped into the house
"Gabriella! Wait" He dropped his painting materials and chased after me in the house.
"Gabriella, we know what happened but cant blamed that on yourself your whole life"
"I really watch me! You know what I cant even stand being in this house" I yelled back and I started heading towards the front door, when Troy jumped in front of the door
"Mom!" He yelled and I tried to get out of the door
"GET OUT OF THE WAY, TROY! I JUST WANT TO DIE" I yelled and screamed then hit him and he still wouldn't move but suddenly I felt my breath being shortened. And It felt like the room was spinning around and I heard Troy yell something faintly.
"Mom! Call 911! Its Gabriella, she's having a panic attack" Suddenly, I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs and seeing a blurry vision of Lucy.
"Gabriella! Gabriella!"
"I cant breathe, I cant breathe"
"Gabriella! Gabriella"
"I cant breathe"
How do I breathe, yeah?
How do I breathe, yeah?
It feels so different being here,
I was so used to being next to you,
Life for me is not the same,
There's no one to turn to.
I don't know why I let it go too far,
Starting over - it's so hard.
Seems like everywhere I try to go,
I keep thinking of you.
I just had a wake up call,
Wishing that I never let you fall,
Baby you are not to blame at all.
when I'm the one that pushed you away.
Baby if you knew I cared,
You'd have never went nowhere (nowhere),
Girl I should've been right there.
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?
Girl I'm losin' my mind.
Yes I made a mistake.
I thought that you would be mine.
Guess the joke was on me.
I miss you so bad, I can't sleep.
I wish I knew where you could be.
Another dude is replacing me,
God this can't be happening.
I just had a wake up call (call),
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall),
Baby you are not to blame at all.
When I'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared (cared),
You'd have never went nowhere (nowhere),
Girl I should've been right there.
(And I wonder...)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me (I'm saying),
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?
I can't get over you, no
Baby I don't wanna let go, no
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
'Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you're not with me.
(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?
Without you here by my side?
How will I see (how will I see)
When your love brought me to the light (baby, baby)?
Where do I go (where do)
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me (you're not with me),
How do I breathe (how do I breathe)?
How do I breathe?
If Dad Was Here, He would know what to do