Chapter 16: Then Go (part 3)
If there's some place else that you would rather be
Then go
Among the intentions
Which have been sought
numbered and labelled
But none of them bought.
I get the feeling you're testing me
You're saturated in urgency
And if there's some place else that you would rather be
Then go
Then go
I would have lied for you
I would have cried for you
I crossed the line for y ou
I would have died for you
~Then Go by Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan
Rhoda opened the door to the apartment with Mary right behind her. No missing furniture, nothing moved around, and yet everything felt different. A bad different. Empty. The missing presence came from the man who had left. "Welcome to your new home," Rhoda forced.
Mary stepped in and set her things down. "Maybe I can help you find a new place tomorrow." The look on her friend's face was enough to tell her that she couldn't handle it there.
"Yeah," Rhoda said. She walked across the room and sighed. "You wanna know what really bothers me?"
"What?"
Rhoda shrugged as she looked around the place. "I feel relieved. That's horrible isn't it? I mean my sick husband moves out and I feel relieved."
Mary leaned against the arm of the couch closest to Rhoda. "I don't know. I mean it sounds worse that it really is."
Rhoda laughed in spite of the situation. "No Mary, you don't get it. The last time he left I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. When I found out he was sick all I wanted to do was take care of him like some sick little puppy or something. I shouldn't feel this way! I should be worried or something! I should be waiting for him to call!" Rhoda paused and shook her head. "But I'm not. As a matter of fact, I hate to say it and I feel guilty as hell, but I'm glad he's gone." Her eyes started to water. She took a seat in the chair and looked to Mary for a moment. "Do you think I'm a horrible person?"
Mary shook her head. "You didn't like seeing someone suffer."
"Suffer?" Rhoda interupted. "Do you know what its like to wake up in the middle of the night because you're husband is throwing up for the third time that day? Do you know what its like to see someone gradually lose half their body weight? To see someone get weaker and wearker everyday and be able to do nothing about it?" She stopped and calmed herself down. "I wanted to, but I couldn't handle it Mare. If he came back, I would go through the motions and pretned that it doesn't bother me, but really I don't wanna see him anymore than I have to from this point on."
Mary felt herself wanting to cry, but she couldn't. Not now, not in front of Rhoda. "Only a bad person could sit through that and not let it affect them."
"Thanks kid," Rhoda said and then stood back up. "I think I should go unpack my things now."
Mary sat there and sighed. She wanted to help, but there was nothing much that she could do. Everything was out of her control and she hated it.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Two months had passed. Mary had her own job working as an editor for a local newspaper. Again, she and Rhoda lived in the same apartment building. However, this was on the opposite side of town from where Rhoda and Joe's original apartment was located.
Rhoda was working at another department store, mainly with decorating the displays. Being eight months along, she had been trying to take off more time with out having to cut into the time that she was going to take off for when the baby was born.
Rhoda was in the nursery putting up the finishing touches as she heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she called out.
"Mary!"
"Come in!" Rhoda said standing back and looking at the stuffed animals that had been placed on the shelf.
Mary walked in and joined her in the nursery. "Nice!" she said as she looked around.
"Yeah. I thought green was a good choice. That way it works for both boy or girl." Rhoda sat down in the rocking chair that had been placed in the room and set her hands on her belly. "The kid better be happy with this. I put a lot of work into this."
"I think they will."
"Even if they don't know what all of this stuff is," Rhoda laughed.
"Show them pictures when they grow up," Mary said starting to walk around.
The room fell silent for a moment. "You know," Rhoda started, breaking the silence. "I talked to Joe last night. He sounded pretty weak, but he said that he can't wait to meet his son or daughter."
"Yeah?" Mary asked. "Any names you two are interested in?"
"Well," Rhoda said. "If its a boy I think the name Joseph should be in there. I haven't thought of a full name yet, but Joe likes Richard."
"Joseph Richard or Richard Joseph?" Mary asked. She could tell where Richard came from, but didn't want to mention it yet.
"I don't know yet. He doesn't know that I want to use his name yet. He most likely would argue, but I think it should be done."
"What about if its a girl?" Mary asked.
"Josephine," Rhoda smiled, starting to laugh.
"What's so funny about that?" Mary asked starting to laugh.
Rhoda shook her head. "It was just so obvious."
Mary rolled her eyes. "There are other girl names that sound like Joseph," she said trying to defend herself.
"For example..."
"For exapmle," Mary started, but couldn't think of anything. "Well."
"I'm waiting," Rhoda teased.
"Yeah, yeah," Mary responded.
The phone rang from out in the living room. Rhoda looked up to Mary. "I'm so glad that I have a loving, understanding friend here that is nice enough to go get that so that I don't have to get up."
"Really? Where?" Mary joked as she went into the living room.
She picked up the phone. "Hello?" Mary suddenly froze. "Oh?" she asked and then turned back towards the room that Rhoda was in. It was the man that Joe had been staying with. "She's busy right now, but I can take a message." That was a lie, but she knew that Rhoda didn't want to get up and talk. Something told her though that she should be the one talking. "I see," Mary said. She turned her back to the room. "I'll tell her. Thank you for calling."
She slowly hung up the phone and waited a moment before going back to Rhoda.
"In addition to answering the phone, you get to help me up. Of course, there is a prize though."
"Rhoda! I have something to tell you," Mary announced as she leaned against the doorway. She wanted to get this over with as soon as she possibly could.
Rhoda's face suddenly grew serious. "Yeah? What is it?"
Mary looked to her with sympathy. "Joe's dead."
Rhoda just sat back and stared blankly forward. It took a moment to actually soak in before it hit her. "Are you sure?" she asked. It was a stupid question to ask, and she knew it. But she had to ask, she had to be sure. None of this felt real to her, it was more like a nightmare that she felt like she could simply wake up from.
"Yes. George said he went about an hour ago in his sleep."
Rhoda stared off to the side. "I honestly thought he would make it. I thought he would see his baby born. Find out the name, hold them." Tears started to fall from her eyes. "I thought I would at least get to say good bye to him."
"Are you going to be all right?" Mary asked.
"Of course not," Rhoda said. "But I guess it doesn't really matter how I feel about this does it?" She stood up and slowly made her way over to the crib. Gazing down over the railings, she grabbed onto the side.
Mary lowered her head as she remained leaning against the doorway. It was hard for her to believe and even harder for her to watch.
"Damn it Joe," Rhoda said as she hit the railing with her fist. Her head lowered and her sobbing became audible.
Mary raised her tear stricken face and headed over to Rhoda's side. "Im so sorry," she said as she embraced her as well as she could.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
That night, Mary had trouble sleeping. She tried to sleep, but the her mind wouldn't let her, there was too much on her mind. It all made her want to re-evaluate her own life. A man close to her age had just died. It was osme sort of awakening to her that nothing is ever permanent.
"Mary!" Rhoda called as she knocked at the door.
Mary got out of bed and walked over to answer the door. She didn't want to be bothered right now, but she also knew Rhoda was going to have a hard time with everyhting going on and she wanted to help her. "Yeah?" she asked opening the door.
"You mind taking me to the hospital? I think I'm in labor," Rhoda said.
Mary's eyes widened. "Are you sure?"
Rhoda gripped onto the doorway as she winced. "Ya know, I think so."
Mary went and grabbed her coat and shoes. "Don't you have a few more weeks though?"
"I don't think the baby really cares about that," Rhoda responded.
Mary hurried and left the apartment. She helped Rhoda down to the car and took her to the hospital where she waited until the baby was born.
"How are you doing?" Mary asked as she entered the room.
"Its a girl," Rhoda said from the bed where she lay with the baby in her arms.
"Congratulations," Mary said as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Not to sound unhappy with you or anything, but I really wish it would have been Joe walking through that door."
Mary sighed. "That's really how it should be," Mary said looking down at the baby.
Rhoda noticed her watching the baby and smiled. "You wanna hold her?" Rhoda asked.
"May I?"
"Sure, just don't break her," Rhoda said as she handed her over to Mary.
Mary looked and smiled down at the little baby. "She really is a beautiful little girl." Mary laughed. "And a heavy sleeper."
"Naturally, I did all the work and it wore her out," Rhoda laughed.
"You have a name yet?" Mary asked as she handed the baby back.
"Well," Rhoda said looking down at her. "Josi, short for Josephine. I'm thinking Mary Josephine." She then looked up to Mary, "that is, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind," Mary smiled. She was a but honored and liked the idea, but there was something wrong. "But don't you think that Joe's name should be first?"
"Josephine Mary." Rhoda thought about it for a second. "I think it sounds better the other way around. Besides, either way I can still call her Josi."
"That works." She smiled to Rhoda and then stood up. She didn't want to leave, but she knew that she had to. "I should get going, I have to wake up for work tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow to see you."
"See ya kid." Rhoda just watched Mary leave and then looked down at Josi. "If only your dad would've made it one more day."
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Four days later. Rhoda walked up the steps to the church, dressed in black with Josi in a little carrier. She got to the top and met with Joe's mother. "How are you doing?" she asked.
It was evident that she had been crying earlier. "I don't know." She then looked down and saw the baby.
"You wanna see your granddaughter?" Rhoda asked.
"Sure," she said. "What's her name?"
"Mary Josephine, Josi for short," Rhoda said as she sat the carrier down and picked up the baby.
Mrs. Gerard took the baby and smiled at her. "How are things with you? You got a lot thrown at you at once."
Rhoda shrugged. "I'm getting through."
Ida and Morty walked up behind Rhoda. "How are you both doing?" Morty asked. His voice was full of concern as he laid his hand on her shoulder.
Rhoda turned back and hugged both her parents. "I'm fine I guess. I haven't completely fallen apart yet."
"Just stay busy. I'm sure Josi will keep your mind off of things." Ida looked over at the baby. "By the way, I've only seen her once."
"She's barely a week old ma, you'll get to see her a lot more," Rhoda said. She thought that this had to be the time that Joe's mother could see her. After this, there was no telling as to how often the Gerards would get to see Josi, so she figured that anytime they saw them, her parents would just have to wait.
"When's the last time you fed her?" Ida asked.
Rhoda rolled her eyes. "An hour before we left." She knew what question was going to come next before Ida even opened her mouth. "Then a changed her right before we left, and she's been burped and bathed. I also have a couple bottles and diapers with me. I think she'll survive." She knew that this was her way of caring, it was just annoying to think that her own mother feels she has to double check everything.
"I think she's doing okay. After spending as much as she did with you I'm sure you've taught her the basics," Morty said seeing that Rhoda was about to get irritated.
Ida looked back and sighed. "All right. I was just trying to help."
"Thank you ma," Rhoda said.
Ida and Morty both looked over to Joe's mother who was blankly staring down at Josi. "How about you?"
"What?" she asked looking up.
"You never answered my question. Are you doing all right?" Morty asked.
She shrugged and then looked over to Rhoda. "I just hope to God that you never have to go through what I've just been through," she said and then handed the baby back to her.
Morty watched her leave and walk into the church. "Maybe we should go get our seats," he suggested.
"You want me to stay out here with you?" Ida asked to Rhoda.
Rhoda knelt down and put Josi back into her carrier. "All I have to do is wait for Brenda and Mary and they should be here in a few minutes."
"Are you sure? I mean I'm not protestant, I don't think they care whether or not I'm in there on time for mass."
"Go on ma, I'll be in there as soon as I can," Rhoda reassured her.
Rhoda stood there and watched the street as her parents entered the church. It only took a few minutes, but a couple of cars pulled up. Mary and Brenda got out of the first one and Rhoda waved to them. Then a few more people got out, Phyllis with Bess and Lou. Out of the second car came Ted, Georgette, and Murry.
"Hi everyone," Rhoda said as they climbed the stairs and approached her. She was surprised that they would all come to a funeral, but deep down was truly thankful that they did.
"I kept in contact," Mary said. "You doing okay?"
"Yeah," Rhoda said and then hugged her. "So far so good."
Brenda went up and hugged her after Mary let go. "I thought I should tell you, George left some of Joe's things at my place. Anything special you want done with em?"
Rhoda pulled back from the hug and shrugged. "I don't know what I would do with them, but maybe I should go through everything, maybe have Donnie over and see what he wants."
Rhoda's eye were starting to water as she could hear the service begin to start inside. "I think we should all get in there. Thank you everyone for coming, and I'll talk to you all after the service if you would like to come to my apartment."
"Sounds good to me," Murry said.
"Same," Lou said.
They all followed her into the church and took their seats. Ted and Georgette sat down in the back. "I don't know what I would do if I lost you," she softly commented.
"Well, I am irreplacable," he responded and then looked over to her. "Of course, I don't know what I would do if I lost you either. Remember when we got seperated on the way here?"
"Yeah. You got lost in the airport and started to cry because you thought you might get on the wrong plane and end up somewhere like Oklahoma."
Up in the front of the church, Rhoda took her seat with Brenda, her parents and then Joe's parents. As she got Josi situated, she looked across the aisle and saw Marien and Donnie taking their spots. Marien didn't look to affected but Donnie had a blank, almost emotionless look on his face as he stared at the coffin at the front.
"Today we gather here to celebrate the life of Joseph Gerard and his passing onto the next life ahead of him."
Those were the words that stuck in her head through out the entire ceremony. He had left. He was gone. This wasn't like when he walked out the door a while back, this time, there was no second chance and no one to blame.
Once they were done at the church and the casket was being carried out, Rhoda stood up and looked over to Donnie. As soon as she got out of the pew she went over and joined him. "Hey Donnie," she gently greeted.
He briefly looked up to her and then went back to staring forward. "Hi Rhoda," he said. There was still no emotion to him.
"I'm sorry about your dad."
"Can I ask you a question? I tried asking my mom but I don't think she knows," he said looking back to Rhoda.
"Sure," she said.
"Why did daddy die?"
The question broke her heart. It was hard to hear that question from a kid. "Well Donnie," she started as she tried to think of what to say. "I don't really know. No one here wanted him to die, and I know he didn't want to. As a matter of fact, one of the last things that he told me was that he wished he could have seen you grow up."
"Its not fair," Donnie said.
"Believe me kid, I know." She shrugged as she held the tears back. They sat there quietly for a moment. "If you want, I still have some of your father's things. You can come over and take something you want. You know, something to remember him by, like a pocket knife or something like that."
"Why a pocket knife?" he asked.
"I don't know, a lot of boys I know got a pocket knife that their father's had passed down to them."
"Oh," Donnie said. "I'll ask my mom if I can."
"Okay. Its over at Brenda's place. Your mother knows where that is right?"
Donnie shrugged. "Well, okay," she said figuring that she did.
Rhoda went with everyone else to the cemetery and then went back home with her group of friends that had come to see her. They all solemnly walked into the apartment. "It um, it means a lot to me that you all came."
Lou sat down on the couch and sighed. "Well, its not one of those things you can easily say no to."
"What are you going to do now?" Phyllis asked with a genuine interest.
"For starters," Rhoda started as she sat down on the chair. "I took your advice and moved out of our old apartment. From here I'm just going to try and move on."
"I never got to meet Joe, but I'm still sorry Aunt Rhoda," Bess said.
"Thanks kid. And I didn't get the chance to talk to you before, but my have you grown. The last time I saw you was three years ago."
Bess laughed. "Yeah, I'm going off to college next year."
"My little Bess is going off to USC," Phyllis beamed.
"Congratulations," Mary said looking over to Bess.
"Thanks," Bess said.
Murry walked over and sat down next to Lou. "I'm just wondering, does this have anything to do with the time that you came into the newsroom for Mary?"
Rhoda sighed. She really didn't think anyone would bring that up. "Sorta. He wasn't certain as to whether or not he was sick and I had just found out that I was pregnant and was afraid to tell him. We were fighting a lot and he ended up leaving. We needed a break from each other."
"Joe left you?" Phyllis asked. "I didn't know that."
"Yes, but he didn't sleep with anyone else," Rhoda said getting ready to defend her dead husband.
Phyllis glared to her and then sighed. This was not the time nor the place and she decided to restrain herself.
"Anyways," Mary said stepping in. "Is there anything we can do for you?"
"Yeah, we didn't come all this way to watch you suffer. If there's anything you want just let us know," Georgette said.
"I have a new recording of my newscasts in my car if you're interested," Ted said.
Rhoda looked back to him. "You haven't changed at all have you?"
"Nope. He's still the same lovable man," Georgette said.
Josi started to cry. Rhoda leaned over and picked her up out of the carrier. "Someone hungry?" she asked as she stood up and went to get the baby bag. She grabbed the bottle and sat back down to feed her. "Someone's definitely got her mother's appetite. I'm so sorry Josi."
"How old is she?" Bess asked.
"Almost a week."
"She's so cute."
"Thank you."
Bess sighed. "I love babies. I want one of my own."
"Not yet you don't," Phyllis snapped.
"Calm down Phyllis. I meant someday after I get married," Bess said.
Rhoda noticed the time. "Hey, I feel bad about leaving you all here, but do you mind if I go for a coupel hours? Brenda's got some of Joe's things over at her place that Donnie and I gotta go through."
"Actually," Lou said standing up. "I think I'm gonna head back to the hotel." He walked over to Rhoda. "Take care of yourself all right?"
"Will do," Rhoda said.
"I should go to," Murry said stanidng up. "If you ever need anything, Marie and I might live far away, but you can still call."
"Thanks Murry."
Ted and Georgette headed for the door. "Goodbye Rhoda. I hope everything works out okay for you," Georgette said.
Rhoda nodded a thank you to Georgette.
"Yes Rhonda, we're very sorry about your loss."
"What was my husband's name Ted?" Rhoda asked.
"You forgot your husband's name already? Its John."
"Still a winner there aren't ya?" Rhoda asked.
"I feel sorry for who ever has to work with him now," Lou commented.
"We'll be seeing you tomorrow," Phyllis said. "And remember I went through the same thing before. if you need to talk, just call me."
"You bet," Rhoda said.
"Bye Aunt Rhoda," Bess said as she followed her mother to the door.
"Bye everyone. And again, thank you for coming all the way out here," she said turning as well as she could in the chair with out disrupting Josi.
They each said goodbye as they followed one another out the door. The only one left in the room with her was Mary. "You need me to come with you tonight?" she asked.
Rhoda thought a minute. "No," she sighed. "This is more or less something that I should probably do alone. But if you do wanna help, you could watch Josi for me."
Mary nodded. "I think I could do that," she said as she watched Rhoda stand up and walk towards her. She handed Josi to her and then grabbed her purse. "I'll try and be back as soon as I can."
"Take your time. I don't want to rush you," Mary said.
"Well, its exactly the most fun thing I'm about to do here." Rhoda waved and then left.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Rhoda and Donnie sat on the floor with Joe's things all spread out. Brenda had decided to leave the two alone and go out for a little bit.
"There's not much here, but what ever you want, go ahead and take it." Rhoda said. It was hard for her to look through his things, but she wasn't about to let herself fall apart in front of a young kid.
Donnie looked through the belingings and picked up the wallet. It was old and torn apart, but it did have Joe's name inscribed on it. "Can I have this?"
"Sure kid. Like I said, anything you want," Rhoda said.
She looked down again and spotted two wedding rings. It was then that she had remembered the arguement in Mary's apartment. She picked both of them up and observed them for a minute before putting them into her purse. "You think there's anything here for a little girl?"
Donnie shrugged. He then picked up an envelope that read "TO RHODA". "I think this belongs to you though."
Rhoda took it and opened it. The first thing that came out was a picture of her and Joe together on their wedding day. Then she took a letter out.
"Whats it say?" Donnie asked.
Rhoda hesitated to read it out loud, but skimmed it over and figured it was okay. "If you are reading this, I am dead. I know this isn't easy, but things will be okay. I know you, and I know that you are going to be a wonderful mother. I know I shouldn't mention this, but remember that fight we had? I got Mary to give your ring. I had every intention of giving it back to you, but there was so much going on and it just slipped my mind. I hope you somehow got it though. There's a set of letters in the envelope. One for if its a girl and one seperate one for if its a boy. If I was alive past the time that the baby was born, ignore this and just grab the envelope, which I really hope that I was able to remove the unnecessary letter."
Rhoda sniffled as she set the letter down and retrieved the one for a little girl. "To my daughter. I know that I'm not around. You do not know how badly it pains me to be writing this, but I had to. Around the time that your mother found out that she was pregnant was the same time that I had been diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how old you are right now, but someday you will understand. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be there while you were growing up. You and you're step brother mean more to me than anything. There are so many things in life that I'm going to miss out that I really wish I could be there for. I wanted to be able to teach you how to ride a bike, scare your first boyfriend, watch you go off to prom and walk you down the isle on your wedding. I just want you to know that I might not know you, but I do love you. I'm sure you're just as beautiful as your mother, so be careful out there with the boys. And just in case I haven't said it enough already, I love you."
Rhoda just sat there and stared at the letter. "Just one day too short," she said to herself.
"I got a letter too. A guy came by the house and handed a couple of things to my mom," Donnie said.
Rhoda put everything back into the envelope and then stood up. "Yeah? What did you get?" she asked trying to keep herself together.
"Just the letter." He looked up and saw her. "I don't care if you cry, I saw it all day at the funeral."
"No, I just," Rhoda sighed. "I'm just a little..."
"Unstable?" Donnie asked.
Rhoda laughed. "You could say that. How are you handling all of this."
"Don't worry, I cried at first too." Donnie picked up a watch and studied it.
"I think he'd want you to have that if you like it," Rhoda said.
"Thanks," he said and then put it into his pocket. "I think I should go down and see if my mom's ready to go."
Rhoda forced a small smile to him. "Bye Donnie." She watched him leave and then sat down and sighed.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Rhoda returned home and thanked Mary again for watching Josi. As soon as she left, Rhoda went into the nursery and leaned over the crib as she watched Josi sleep. "You know kid, What ever happens you're gonna be loved." She then sighed as she looked up. "I miss your daddy so much, but I think the two of us will be okay. We've got Mary, Brenda, my parents and any of those people that met you today. I just won't expose you to Phyllis too much. I love you too much to do that to you." Rhoda softly laughed. "Good night Josi," she said and then left the room.
Once outside with the door closed behind her, she sat down on the couch. "I feel silly doing this, but if somehow you're with me right now Joe, I want. I want to finally say goodbye to you. I didn't get to before, and I should've but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And I also hope that you know you have a daughter. A baby girl that I badly wish you could've met. Just one more day Joe, that's all you needed. Anyways, I love you, and I just hope you knew that." She sat there for a minute in the silence. It was all over, and she had to let it go. "Goodbye Joe," she said and then stood up to go to bed.
Theres no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now
So lucky so strong so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
And what would you think of me now
So lucky so strong so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
And if you are with me tonight
I'll sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
~Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World
The End
~To my grandma~