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Chapter 7 (golly. Seven? Chapter SEVEN? How. Did. That. Happen.)
The sun was reaching its peak in the sky, bathing everything in its harsh light. Julian laid on his towel, looking up at Logan, who was reading a book under the umbrella. Derek was off with some girl behind the sand dunes.
"What do you think they're doing?" Julian asked, though he knew. He didn't want to make assumptions about Derek, though, and so he asked.
Logan scoffed, not looking up. But his bright green eyes stopped roving the page, so Julian knew that he had the blonde's full attention. "What do you think they're doing?"
"So I was right," Julian mused, moving his finger around in the sand, making a little hole.
"Yes."
Logan's eyes started moving along the page again, so Julian cast around for another topic of conversation.
"I'm surprised I haven't gotten swamped by now," he said.
"Mmmm." Logan looked up finally, and Julian wished he hadn't, because the bright green eyes were so piercing that Julian thought they might be looking right at his soul. "That's because we're in the Hamptons, and usually people are able to control themselves…" His gaze drifted upward and he watched as a girl in a bikini top ran by, spraying sand all over Julian's back. "Well. Maybe not."
Julian laughed lightly, standing up.
"I'm hungry," he announced, stretching. He saw Logan watching his chest, his abs, his shoulder muscles, as they moved fluently with his body.
"Me too," Logan agreed, snapping his book shut.
"Let's leave Derek to fend for himself while we find sustenance." Julian picked up his towel and started to fold it up.
"No. Leave it," Logan said, and Julian dropped the towel. "It was rude enough of him to just go off with some girl like that. Honestly? She wasn't even that hot."
"How would you know?" Julian teased as he pulled his shirt over his head.
There was a silence before Logan said, "I have eyes too."
Another silence where Julian wanted to ask something but he didn't really know what.
"And speaking of which…" Logan was looking at everyone on the beach but Julian.
"Yes?" Julian prompted, concentrating on his feet.
"You. What team do you actually play for?"
…
…
…
Julian didn't know what to say, so for a very long time he didn't say anything. They got off the beach and onto the street. They went a full block before Logan got fed up.
"Dammit, Jules, you must know!" He turned to Julian, coming to a halt entirely.
"I think I do," Julian said quietly, very quietly. He wasn't even sure if Logan could hear.
"Then please." Logan's hand flew up to his hair. He tugged at a few strands half-heartedly. "Enlighten me, because I am very confused."
"Why?" Julian asked, angry. "You're the one who knew me before! I don't know if I'm gay, I don't know if I'm bi, I just don't know. You know better than I do."
"I thought I did," Logan said, looking up into the sun, squinting his eyes but it didn't matter because it was better than looking at Julian.
"Are you saying that you think I lied to you?" Julian asked.
"I'm saying that I know you lied to me."
"How do you know that?"
"Because of what you told me…when you thought you were going to die." Logan was pinching the bridge of his nose now, and they were standing in the middle of the sidewalk as a couple pushed past them, muttering under their breaths.
"And what did I tell you?" Julian asked, glaring at Logan. "Because I think I have a right to know."
Logan shook his head. "I can't tell you."
"Why not?" Julian stamped his foot, looking ridiculous and like a child but did it matter?
"Because it would…it would…you…I can't even tell you why without telling you it." Logan started walking again, and Julian had no choice but to follow, more confused than ever.
"So you honestly don't know?" Logan asked after another block. "Whether you're gay or straight or what?"
"No." Julian shook his head.
The truth was, he was attracted to girls.
And Logan.
He did feel some twinges of affection…like that…for other guys, but not as strong as for Logan. It had to be love, what he felt for Logan.
And girls paled in comparison to Logan.
He just wondered…how much of that did Logan know? What had he told Logan? Had he told Logan that he liked him, or was that unnecessary because Logan already knew? Did Logan know?
But what else could he have told Logan? It wasn't inconsequential, and it had to do with his sexuality.
Maybe it was turned around. Maybe Logan thought he was gay and he'd told Logan, for whatever reason, that he wasn't.
It was so confusing.
As Logan opened the door of a café for Julian, and Julian walked through, he wondered what would happen when he remembered again. He'd remember what he'd told Logan, how they stood, what had happened between them…
And Logan would be completely and utterly screwed.
"Logan?" Julian asked, even though he'd been whispering this the whole time.
"Jules," Logan breathed. "Hang on, Jules, hang on, the doctors are coming, they're coming, Jules, you'll be fine." He took Julian's hand in his and leaned closer to him. His deep breaths mingled with Julian's shallow ones. "Hold on, please, please, I don't…" He couldn't continue. A sob wracked his body. I don't want to lose you.
"Logan," Julian said, and he suddenly realized there was something really, really important about the feeling Logan that he had to tell Logan. Logan seemed to be a person, but Julian couldn't be sure. What was the feeling? What were the words?
It was getting harder to think, his brain was becoming black. He knew he only had a few minutes, and through all the pain came distress. Not because he was dying; because he didn't know what he was supposed to tell this person/feeling.
"Logan," he whispered again. "Tell. Logan." There. Tell. He had to tell Logan something.
What? What was it?
It was the feeling. He had to tell Logan the feeling.
What was the feeling?
"What? What do you have to tell me?" Logan asked, his voice quavering, his lungs contracting, tears falling onto Julian's cheek.
Julian forced himself to look up one last time, into the green orbs, and the words fought their way through the blackness.
"I love you," he whispered, and he knew that was it. Those were the words. That was the feeling. This was the person. He could leave now. He was done. The pain took over, the blackness swamped his brain, and the green orbs were all he saw until he saw no more.
Julian sat up straight.
His sheets were slightly wet, and he realized he'd been sweating.
His dream.
The dream.
That was it.
It was what he had to remember.
That was what he'd told Logan.
But what was it?
What was it that he'd said?
Julian wracked his brains, trying to remember, but it was all becoming a blur. He couldn't remember the words that were said. He only knew that Logan and he were in it, it was dark out, and Logan was crying.
And Julian was supposedly dying.
The dream…
Moonlight slanted through the window and fell across Julian's bed, slightly morphed by the rain trailing down the window.
Sleep slowly overtook Julian, though he tried to fight it, and he fell into a shallow, fitful sleep, during which he did not dream and he did not remember.