Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough
"We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you."
-The Ice is Getting Thinner-Death Cab for Cutie
"Life's perfect," Blair said adamantly.
Serena sighed, running her hands through her hair she regarded her best friend, frowning slightly. "Really B?" she said, arching her eyebrows. "That's how you describe it? You don't think there are any other words you'd like to use?"
A sip of her latte as she composes her face, forms her answer, ignores the real one screaming in her mind.
"No," Blair finally looked up stubbornly at her friend and gave a wide smile far too tense. "Just perfect."
And they all lived happily ever after...
She sits in bed, stares at the empty space where he used to lie.
Sometimes she thinks she hates him.
Other times she thinks she loves him.
Always she misses him.
A blonde Parisian bombshell.
Blonde hair, blue eyes, candy sweet.
As far from brunette as you could get.
Nice. Easy. Holding hands, going to movies, sharing a drink, a laugh.
She's good for him, he just wishes that was enough to make him forget. Gun shot wounds may heal slowly, but he knows that the other type, the type that came from love, those never would.
He really does like her, it was a shame that wasn't enough.
"I like you," Dan blurts it out suddenly.
"Oh," she looks at him with wide blue eyes, suddenly noticing their proximity. Close enough to kiss...
"Oh?" he repeats, furrows his brow.
There's an awkward silence as he leans back, stunned at what he said, or maybe the reaction.
"It's just that..." she trails off, glances at him. "Like? I thought we were past like..."
He glances at her, "Yeah, I did too, and then..." he can't describe it.
"So when exactly did love turn to like?" she glances at him, a small smile playing on her lips.
"Oh," he looks at her with wide eyes.
Liking was definitely not good enough.
"Why is that...Blair girl so rude to you?" enquiring blue eyes, sharp not soft like his sisters. He wishes he'd chosen a Serena and not an Eva.
"It's a long story," evasion, that was what life was about now. Evade what you are, who you are, evade everything.
"I have time," sits down firmly, looks at him (not glares, she can't bring herself to glare). He wonders if she's so nice because her substance was pity.
"I don't," he's short, rude, he's never rude around her, but this place brings out the old habits in him.
"Charles?" standing now, looking at him with wide blue eyes, searching, trying to see his soul. The problem was it was hidden, mixed up in Parisian Charles and New York Chuck. Confusion was all she found.
"Sorry..." his voice is soft now as he avoids her gaze, avoidance was good, avoidance facilitated the lie.
"Since we've come here, you hide everything from me..." sadness, he knew sadness, he didn't want her to, but he couldn't tell her the truth. Truth burns away all niceness, all pity, all pretence at happiness.
"Maybe we should go back," hope springs eternal.
"No," then it dies.
No, what an ugly word, he hated that word. He'd only been acquainted with it when he met a brunette with dark eyes and the ability to break his soul.
"You should stay here," he doesn't miss her inflection.
"I want to be with you Eva," I want to be enough for you. He really did like her, she made him laugh, he hadn't laughed in so long.
"But it's not enough..." no accusation, no bitterness, just simple truth laid bare for the first time between them.
And then she does it, turns to leave...
"Don't go," I need you now.
"Talk to Blair," she doesn't turn back, just keeps on walking opens the door, he stares after her, doesn't move. She pauses, hand on brass doorknob, glances back, one last time.
I liked you too...
And then she's gone. He gets out a bottle of scotch (dusty all of them, hasn't felt the need with her there.) Pours out a glass, sits on the couch.
Back where he had started...
He wished more than anything in this world (save one thing he would not think of) that it had been enough.
Problem, it was a stupid word. You are a problem, you make problems, you have a problem.
Problem, problem, problem.
Problems were temporary, beings screwed up was permanent.
Is it a problem if it's the only way you can survive?
He tried quitting one day, he lasted until ten. In the morning that is... He gave up after that.
He couldn't live without a drink. It was his drug of choice, it made lines blur and life seem bearable...That's all he asked nowadays.
Problem, it summed up his life. Problems were what he was born for. And now it was time he faced that truth once more.
"You can't keep on doing this to yourself," he starts off firm, firm was good, firm was strong. He needed to be strong. Bottles were harsh, all over. Strong would break them, push them away from his friends hand.
"What do you want me to do then?"
"I don't know," Defeat masked as frustration. Helplessly clueless again. It pretty much summed up Nate's life didn't it? Firm disappeared, firm was temporary with him.
"Do you know what it feels like to get shot? What it feels like to lie in an alley bleeding to death?" What it feels like to be completely alone, unloved, unwanted? Chuck runs his hand through his hair. Accusatory. "You tell me I have to do something, but you don't effing know what Nathanial?"
"Sorry I brought it up," defensive guilt, Nate knew the feeling.
"Sorry isn't good enough," the door slams, Nate flinches. Stands there alone, the rooms empty.
He was tired of not knowing, but he has no clue about where else to look for the answers. Another thing he didn't know. Maybe it was a vicious cycle, eternal...
He goes to sit on the couch, powers up the Xbox and starts blowing brains out. At least Halo was one thing he did know.
"I'm bored," she sighs, places her head on her hands. Big blue eyes look out. Blue and blonde, what a perfect combination.
"You're always bored," Blair says it scornfully, puts black ink to paper.
"Since when did you pen your own invites anyway?" Serena looks sceptically at her, cocks her head. She's perceptive today, Blair wishes she hadn't invited her.
"Personal touch," the note is false.
"What's wrong B?" Perfect purple nails tough her arms lightly, she shakes them off angrily.
"I'm tired of people asking me that," she's sharp, all sharp edges, like a piece of glass. Cutting, Serena flinches slightly.
Awkward silence, a sigh brown eyes meet blue ones, softer now, regret.
"I'm just tired S," whispered softly, concentrating on the next blank page now. "Can we just..not talk about it. Not today, please..." It's added at the end, an afterthought, makes Serena pause.
An awkward silence, blue eyes trained on brown locks hiding her friend.
Sudden sigh, blow out air through puffed cheeks.
"I'm bored," she sighs. "I'll even watch Breakfast at Tiffany's again. Anything but this." A slight smile curves red lips.
"You're always bored..."
"You want to go out?" Eric enquires, looking.
"No," he's short, doesn't even look up. He's always looking at the floor now, always with a glass in hand.
"You want to watch a movie then?"
"No."
"What do you want to do then?" exasperation makes his words harsher than necessary.
"Nothing." Leave me alone, stop asking me questions, I don't want anything...
"Fine..." they sit like that, in the darkness, doing nothing together...
"Uh, hey," Jenny blushes beetroot red as soon as it leaves her mouth. Automatic response, she thinks it would have been better if she had just pretended.
You ruined my life. You ruined everything.
He turns and walks away without saying a word. Accusations in his wake.
And now she knows it would have been better if she had just pretended.
There are bags under his eyes, doesn't sleep much anymore (passing out didn't count as sleep). Are the going to be permanently blood shot from now on? Will he ever be able to string a sentence together again?
Dan watches his self destruction with sick fascination. Even at his worst he could never do that to himself. Then again Dan's worst was to become a diluted Chuck Bass. He supposes that if you are Chuck Bass there's nowhere else to go but down into the bottom of a bottle.
None of them have their licence (. Serena walked, Blair took taxis, Nate took the subway and Chuck, he took the limo.)
Serena never got around to learning (too many distractions, maybe one day...)
It was beneath Blair (why should I drive when I can pay others to do so?).
Nate actually had one, but the way he drove you could barely tell.
And Chuck, he didn't drive because he had a limo for that didn't he? Besides there was a legal limit and when was he not drinking? They all used to laugh about that before, now it doesn't seem so funny anymore.
He misses the yellow shirts, the ties, the blazers. Misses dragging himself up in the morning, bleary eyed with ruffled hair. Missed the plaid skirts and coy smiles of the girls as they looked at him like he was some sort of lacrosses super hero.
He doesn't feel like a super hero anymore...
He used to complain about it all the time, the future that loomed, the daily choices he was forced to make. (Which subjects? Which college? Which girl? Which friends?) He thought it would all get simple after...
He looks down at his best friend, sleeping yet another day away. And he hasn't got a clue how to help him, how to bring back the smirking guy who used to smoke with him outside the gates.
Now he knows better...
School was easy, it was life that was hard.
He's drowning, she knows that she's not stupid. She doesn't go to him though...
Selfish, selfish, selfish. It repeats, one word, three times...
She just can't do this anymore. This wasn't the Titanic, he wasn't Jack and she wasn't Rose. She doesn't want to be the girl dragged under with him.
Her life was supposed to be an Audrey Hepburn movie, a romantic comedy, not a drama, not tragedy.
The blue eyes of her two friends accuse her.
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Everything accuses her of it.
Lilly invites her over, sips coffee and talks about generic things while piercing her with pleading eyes.
Still she doesn't go.
She sits with her new minions instead, eats croissants, sips lattes, pretends at being Queen.
Perfect, is that so much to ask for?
She's missing something, everything...
Still she doesn't go.
He wasn't doing this because of her, he was doing it because of himself.
She can't save him if he doesn't want to be saved.
She had nothing to feel guilty about, after all it wasn't her fault he had gotten shot, it wasn't for her...
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
"He needs you B."
"I'm not a miracle worker S. I can't save him!"
He's drowning, she's not stupid, she doesn't go to him...
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Every day it feels like her heart has disappeared, until she can't take it anymore.
She used to wonder how many years, months, hours, minutes, seconds, it would take for love to turn to hate.
"I think..I think I've finally learnt to hate you,"
Liar, Liar, Liar.
His speech is stilted, like his thought patterns. He was always so smart, maybe what they said about killing brain cells was true.
(Those three words eight letters, she almost laughs aloud.)
Now she knows. Three years, six months, ten days, three hours, twenty seven minutes, nineteen seconds.
That's how long it took for love to finally turn into hate.
"I didn't do this to you,"
Liar, Liar, Liar.
Defence, shield your heart before it can be torn out again. She turns on her heels
(It was stupid to come anyway. What did they say when people died? It was better to remember them as they were. He wasn't dead (yet) but this drunken stupor was good enough)
"I don't want you to leave," Plaintive, lost. She almost turns back. Silence between them as she wars with herself, too long... "But I don't expect a perfect Princess like you to stay." Sneer at her pause, defend what little you have left with lies and accusations.
Liar, Liar, Liar.
Inside screaming You're all I have.
"Well that's just too bad," ice, she opens the door and slams it shut behind her.
Liar, Liar, Liar.
I hate you.
She leans against the door, salty water trails down her cheeks.
I love you.
Liars, Liars, Liars.
It shouldn't be this hard.
"He didn't mean it B." Face buried in golden locks, soft they smell like strawberries. "It'll all work out you'll see. You guys were meant for each other."
"I don't want him" muffled into her friends shoulder, whispered so soft.
Liar, Liar, Liar.
Maybe she didn't hear.
What if we were never meant to be?
"Don't say that. You guys are my only hope of love. The modern day Romeo and Juliet." Serena tries to laugh, it falls flat.
"Romeo and Juliet die in the end..." bleak, why did they ever call it a love story? It was a tragedy. No happily ever afters, just an end...
A pause.
"I'm sorry," she whispers it again softly. Not everyone's dreams had to be shattered.
Serena just squeezes her tighter. Friendship was about taking the good times with the bad right? And the bad times had to eventually end...at least she thought they did...
"Go talk to her Chuck, tell her how you feel," accusations, again and again and again.
"Leave me alone," how many times does he have to repeat himself?
"Not until you at least get up and have a shower," If she could put a name on this maybe it would be easier. Depression, alcoholism...a mixture of both? She doesn't know...she misses him. Wants him to say something lewd like the old times, wants him to say anything besides...
"Go away," I hate you too...
"No," Well that's just too bad. She sits down firmly. There's silence she fiddles with her phone, he stares up at the ceiling.
It lasts for minutes, maybe hours? Who knew, who bothered measuring time anymore?
"Did you ever think that maybe she's better off this way?" Without me? It kills me to say that.
"You're New Yorks Romeo and Juliet," she hopes it works better this time around.
"Romeo and Juliet die in the end..." She supposes not.
She laughs at this, she doesn't know why because when she looks at him she just feels sad.
"Hey what's wrong," strong arms embrace her, holding her tight.
"Nothing," she tries wiping the tears away, only her makeup comes off. Sitting in the lobby for everyone to see, she's an idiot.
"You can talk to me," he's right, she's never had a problem talking to him, not like this. Like this he's her Natie.
"Just...what if we can't fix them?" she looks up at him, she's worried.
"Blair's all right isn't she?" it was a sorry sentence, they both knew she wasn't.
"Romeo and Juliet die in the end," she whispers into his collar, pressing her face, taking in his familiar smell.
What if they didn't though? What if their love just died?
"We'll put them back together," she takes comfort in his embrace, even though she knows his words are empty.
"Like a puzzle," she murmurs, he smiles.
What if we can't fix them this time...?
"I love you," pink poesies fix all ills.
"They're not magic words Chuck," I can't keep doing this, it hurts too much.
"I'm sorry," Say it back please.
"I'm not..." Those aren't magic either.
A pause, silence was never easy with them .
"What brought this on?" Showered and dressed and out of bed. "Are you going somewhere?"
"No but you are," places the peonies on the table, doesn't come closer. Space, haven't they had enough space? He can't transcend the gap though.
A pause. How?
"Serena told me you deferred for the semester. That you're going to stay with your father for a while..."
"It's better that way," I just can't stay here and watch you destroy yourself.
"Lilly signed me up for an AA meeting," He tries not to smirk at the ludicrously of the idea, to take it seriously. I'm trying.
"That's...good." She knows he'll probably skip out in the first half hour, just like he had on the first day of high school. It's not enough.
"I came because I just wanted you to know...before you left..."
"That you joined AA?" snarky, reflex.
"No," that I want you, I still need you, I'll change only for you.
I love you.
Those three words, eight letters.
It just wasn't enough.
She looks into hopeful brown eyes, they melt her heart but she can't do this again.
"I'll see you when I get back Chuck," If I get back. She presses the button, the waiting elevator opens. "I hope it works out," I really wish I could fix you.
He steps in without a fight. Defeat. He's destroyed himself.
"I'll be waiting," he always had to have the last word. Hope springs eternal.
"Me too," she whispers it to a blank elevator door. She can't help but hope.
Can't help but hope one day her life will be just perfect.
A happily ever after instead of just an end...
A/N This is completely different to my normal style so please don't be too harsh. But even if you are going to be, if you read this please review, tis all I ask! = ) Please don't just add it to favourites and not review, out of the two I'd appreciate the review more probably would take the same amount of time too! =)
The title is a work in progress, if anyone has suggestions feel free to share. The original title was All I ever wanted was a lie.
I was also contemplating putting lyrics from Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson instead of these ones. I'm not completely satisfied, does anyone have any thoughts?
I went repetition crazy in this, bare with me = P Excuse me for spelling mistakes I did this in a hurry.