Warning: Yeah there is drug use in this, and since I've never actually seen drugs in real life, I probably got it all wrong, which I honestly don't mind because when I'm versed in drug use then I'll be worried. Anyway enough about me, just thought I should warn people, hope it doesn't put you off the story, but I felt I had to stay true to the characters. Anyway if you watch the show then you probably won't get offended because Chuck does it all the time. Just want to note I in no way condone illegal drug use for 'recreational' use, because I believe it's dumb and only should be done in fiction, where it should stay! The end of this warning, you can stop reading now and go on with the story = ).
Sometimes we love the wrong thing.
"Just going to stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just going to stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie."
Louis was kind, sweet, gentle, foreign and most of all his last name wasn't Bass.
In her first week in Paris he "accidentally' bumps into her. Asked her to have a latte with him and 'catch up'. Reveals that he hasn't stopped thinking of her. Silently hopes she hasn't stopped thinking of him. She plunges headfirst fearless, what did she have holding her back?
He was the perfect gentleman.
He was a romantic.
Always pulled the chair out for her, took her to nice resturaunts. Catered to her needs.
He was funny and interesting too, knew how to make her laugh, provoke her thoughts.
A true Prince in every sense of the word.
And had an adorable accent.
She likes him a lot. He understood things about her. But not everything.
She could be who she always wanted to be with him. But never be herself completely.
Everything she had always wanted.
Used to want.
He was everything she could ever dream of.
But not what she did dream of.
And most of all he didn't have any dramas, didn't have any issues.
She could just be with him.
Plus did she already mention his last name wasn't Bass?
"Louis what are you doing here?" woke up to the smell of pancakes, heads to the kitchen for an adorable man in a floral apron with a pan in hand.
"I thought I would surprise you."
"You made pancakes?"
"Well they are supposed to be crepes but..." forlorn look down at the mismatched shapes resting on a plate.
She laughs.
He grins.
Who would have thought a Prince even knew how to cook?
Apparently he didn't.
She sit down and tries to swallow down the mess (too floury).
He laughs at her attempts to commend him through a disgusting mouthful.
"You don't have to pretend for me Blair." If only he knew.
He calls his chauffer to buy them some breakfast from a fancy cafe.
They clean up the mess together while they wait, with lots of laughter. Chores were a novelty to him.
It was fun.
She tries not to think of how Chuck would never be caught dead cooking pancakes, though he might have liked the apron. It was a bright purple, and she forces Louis to take if off as soon as she can.
She hates purple.
Paris was beautiful, even more beautiful when she had someone to share it with.
He took her to the Eiffel tower.
At the top he returned her shoe and told her he loved her.
She laughed, then cried.
It seemed so long ago.
The fairytale she dreamt of playing out right before her.
Shame her eyes were too filled with tears to appreciate it.
They have a lot in common. He was a good friend, an excellent boyfriend (just not for her).
She pretends he is though. Just for her.
She tells him she loves him. Why does it ring just a little bit false?
Justification, it was true, she did love him. Just not in that way.
She's so tired of hard she just wants easy.
It frightens her how much harder easy can be.
When Chuck answers the phone she could have thrown it all away, without even thinking. (That's how natural they were together).
But Louis interrupts her.
She tells him Serena was on the other line. Doesn't know why she lies. Knows exactly why.
Her fairytale could have shattered in an instant because of her foolishness. (Because of the truth).
She pays extra attention to gossip girl after that.
He's doing better, washed and dressed, laughing with Nate. She smiles.
Then she cries a bit.
She blames it on PMS.
Really she's thinking what if he can only be happy without me?
Doesn't check Gossip girl again after that.
Let sleeping beasts lie.
"Blair Bear the first week of semester has already started, don't you think it's about time you go home?" her father's soft cadences, doesn't push her too hard.
"I've got until the third week Daddy," evasive. She's dreading it (secretly desiring to tread the familiar streets of home.)
She sips her tea like a lady and laughs exactly right at Louis jokes.
Home was far away, far off.
She wasn't to even think of it. (of him)
It's time to pack, and she starts. Reluctantly, one piece of clothing at a time.
Pauses at a jewelry box, small ruby earrings from him. (remembers the other jewellery box. The one that fit exactly in the palm of her hand, also from him.)
She throws it at the bottom of her luggage. Takes the next peice of clothing and covers it.
The earings Louis gave her were so much prettier. But they were the wrong colour.
There's a suprise waiting for her at the airport.
"Blair I want to come with you, if you will have me?" Searches her eyes longingly, he really is sweet.
"But...I...this is such a surprise...I don't know what to say..." to bring a peice of Paris with her to New York?
"Say yes?" hopeful.
She laughs, throws her arms around him and their lips touch. (For the sake of lurking gossip girl followers)
Just like in the movies.
After all she deserved to be happy too.
"B. I'm so glad your back." Squeels, blonde hair covers everything as she's gathered in a tight embrace.
Smiles widely.
Gossips with Serena.
"Louis is amazing."
"I'm so happy for you."
Talks about everything but him.
Eventually Serena rises to go.
"Date with Dan."
"Again Serena," roll of eyes.
Walks her to the elevator, waits for the enth second.
Slips it in between two other sentences.
"So how is he?" vaguely curious, not personally interested of course.
Serena smiles a bit too wide. She doesn't notice, too busy pretending nonchalance "He's good."
"Good?"
"Yeah...Look elevators here..." disappears through the doors. Wave to Blair as the doors close.
Good...
It's her first day back at college. Time to reassert the hierarchy (why is it that she doesn't care as much anymore?)
She's on her lunch break, planned to meet Serena at the steps.
Quick text message, "I'll be a bit late B. Held up at the cafeteria."
Thinks she'll intercept her friend there, it's not out of her way.
Finds Serena outside and finds him along with her.
He looks far from good.
He's not in a suit. The purple nikes from senior year with a bow tie to match were like the old Chuck resurrected.
It's not that she's concerned with though.
"Give it here Chuck," desperately trying to drag him down where he balances on the table top, joint held up high.
"Serena go buy your own," laughs and takes another hit.
He looks like hell.
She could have walked away, like she hadn't seen anything (obviously Serena didn't want her to know).
Instead she walks towards him, always towards him never away.
For a smart girl she can be dumb.
"What are you doing?" her voice sounds distorted.
"Blair?" quick as lightning Serena turns.
He freezes, one leg in the air, mouth agape. The joint falls from his fingers.
Down, down, down.
"What are you doing here?" walks up to him, looks up. Demanding, harsh. Ignores Serena's blabbering. Insignificant. She wanted to know, what was he doing here. In her domain (the one place she knew she didn't have to face him).
A pause, a thousand emotions rampant across his face.
Finally he settles on bitterness.
"I'm sorry didn't know you owned the whole campus Princess," gathers himself enough to sneer, not the right amount of inflection though.
"Stalking me Chuck? Really I thought we were past all this..." knee jerk reaction. He always knows how to bring out the worst in her.
"Wait, you didn't tell her?" Malicous grin spreads, Serena the culprit.
"Tell me what?" confused, looked at her best friend.
"Nothing Chuck," snaps at him, "Now get down before..."
"What Serena? Before I'm suspended," smirks.
"Suspended?"
A pause. Absorbs the implications.
"That's impossible," it's weak, she already knows it's true.
"You think you're the only one who can get into Columbia?" mocking derisive.
Old insecurities rise up. Columbia was hers, the one place she could start again, independent, no baggage.
That wasn't really why she was upset though.
She hadn't noticed him stepping down, come to stand close to her. He smelt of pot and booze and a mixture of the aftershave she used to love (loved) so much.
Leans forward. Close too close (not close enough). She had almost forgotten what heat felt like.
"It can be just like the old days huh Blair? Maybe we can even have a little liason behind the bleachers, I'm sure you're Prince could learn to share for a price."
She knew. Knew he was trying to bait her, trying to make her hate him. Self destructing. She knew.
"You're disgusting," As much hate into that single word.
Promptly turns and walks away. Doesn't bother to glance back.
He looks after her.
Lost.
Campbell house, old familiar. Couldn't follow her in there (probably could but wouldn't be allowed in that state. )
Nate's not where he should be.
Not in the middle of the crowd of jocks laughing.
Sitting in the corner, a text book in hand, clutching his hair.
"Why didn't you tell me?" doesn't care if her voice is raised. Serena is occupied, he's the fall guy now.
Bleary eyes look up.
"Blair?"
"Why didn't you tell me Nate," stands before him, hands on hips. Just like third grade.
Sigh, runs hand through hair. "Chuck?"
"Yes Chuck."
"Look Blair now's not really..." Tired, stressed. His essays due in less then an hour and he'd been staying up all night making sure Chuck didn't go comatose on them.
"What, a good time? So when would it have been a good time Nate to tell me?" A good time to find him like this.
"I don't get why it's such a big deal," frustrated now he snaps, throwing his book on the table.
"Not such a big deal..." repeats words, arching her eyebrows.
"Yeah Blair, don't act all holier then thou, like it matters to you or something," glaring up at her now. Didn't deal with stress well, confrontation wasn't his forte either. But she wasn't in a state to argue.
"You think I don't care?" glaring at him now. Voice shrill, people looking at them. To hell with her minions.
"You left Blair," accusing, blue eyes piercing. You left and we were the ones that had to pick up the peices.
It's like he's slapped her, almost flinches. Regrets it immediately.
Tense silence, his anger dissipates slightly at her wounded look.
"I'm sorry," sighs again, runs his hand through his hair. "I didn't mean..."trails off. What did he mean?
"No your right I did leave Nate. " trails off, turns to go. What more was there to say?
"Blair," rises, didn't want to leave her like that.
She doesn't turn.
Looks after her feeling like crap.
"Everything all right Nate?" simpering Penelope slinks up, smirking slightly.
Ignores her, grabs his books and storms out of there.
Wasn't it obvious that everything was not all right.
How did her feet take her here? Right on this elevator up, up, up.
I should leave, get out while I still can.
Doesn't. Waits until it reaches that familiar corridor.
Her feet take her there, those shining silver numbers.
1812.
Plays with the card in her pocket (from a friendship long forgotten, two blondes and a brunette laughing after parties, collapsing on the same bed, sharing a bottle together, sharing everything. Things used to be so much easier before...)
Finally slides it, hears the satisfying click.
Swings it open, steps in slowly. She prepared herself for the darkness and the smell. What else could she expect?
It's full of people.
What the hell?
They're all in a drunken haze, there is a lot of smoke and powders on the smooth shiny surfaces. A lot of topless girls too and boys in different poses. Loud music playing some obscure tunes just adding to the decadent feel, but not in a good way. It was nothing like the New Year parties he used to host in high school, nothing like anything she'd seen before.
She should leave right now.
She takes a step forward instead.
Idiot.
Some guy stumbles into her and tries to grope her. Backs up quickly, a disgusted sneer on her face. Stupid, drunken college frat boys, it was like being in a dirtier high school.
If it was though, then where was Chuck? Scans the room, doesn't detect him anywhere in the suite. Only one more place to look, closed door singling the bedroom from the rest. Takes a deep breath and heads for that dark door (stepping around the drunk and drugged as she went).
Opens the door, darkness and alcohol invade her senses.
Eyes adjust, there's someone laying spread eagled on the bed, bottle beside him.
By himself, suprise, suprise.
"Get out," muttered angrily, sits up, sees who it is.
Deja vu.
Those three words, eight letters still hang between them, she's not sure which ones though.
"Who told you I was here? Saint Serena?"
Breaks the silence with a sneer.
"Lilly actually," prim and proper, balancing act. "She said when you're not home most nights this is the place you'll be."
"She sent you?"
"She didn't need to..." I care. truth, it was a dangerous thing.
A pause, awkward silence.
"So this is what you do now?" indicates the noise behind the door. I guess things haven't changed much since I've been gone. That sentence was implied.
"This is college," he smirks,
"And here was me thinking college was about bettering yourself."
"You've obviously been doing it wrong."
"I was expecting something different..." tired of the banter. Doesn't know what else to say. What happened to that sober boy she saw in those pictures? Time and tide wait for no one...
"What were you expecting?" he sounds...Weary? Angry? Bored? Was it always this hard to read him? Did he always drink this much? So many questions so little time.
"More," slips out between red lips. "What happened to trying?"
"Obviously not all of us could find a Prince Charming to rescue us from our distress," sneered, "I promise you I tried really hard to find one though."
"Obviously you haven't changed a bit," snapped, eyes flashing. Flicks her hair, turns to leave. Always make a dramatic exit. Pride and dignity.
"Why?" she pauses at the door, it's his tone. She knows she's never heard that tone before.
Turns, "Because you're drunk and I'm not interested in listening to your bitter jibes." Superior.
He ignores her, goes straight to the question gnawing at his soul.
"Why didn't you just leave me in Paris Blair? Did you really hate me that much?" Raw, tired and sad, so sad. She stares shocked. He looks back, searching for an answer. He needs to know.
Paris was the remnants of his life in the aftermath. He'd been trying to piece them together, had built some semblance of happiness in the wake of her. And then she had come, in that red dress, with those large brown eyes. And everything had gone to hell from there. Everything...
"You're world would be better without me in it."
"True, but it wouldn't be my world without you in it."
He could never deny her anything, she knew that.
So why? Why would she call him back just to leave him to his own self destruction?
Did she really hate him that much. Or...could she possibly love him that much?
Too much to let go.
Hope springs eternal, waiting to destroy you.
He hates hope.
They wait there like that, both holding their breaths, waiting for an answer.
Her teeth tear into her lip, her nails tear into her palm, the pain tears into her heart.
She remembers when she was in primary school, their homework for the weekend had been to watch the nature channel. Something about observing the behaviour of animals. Her young eyes had seen a documentary about a lion who had adopted a calf for its young. In the end it had died.
She'd cried into her Daddy's perfectly pressed jumper.
"Why did it have to die Daddy? It loved the baby so much?"
"Oh Bear, sometimes we have to learn to love what's good for us."
He continues to wait, brown eye meet hazel eye.
Darkness meets darkness, like looking into a reflection, a skewed mirror image of herself. Her future?
She makes her decision.
"If I couldn't be happy why should you?"
Cold, hard. Was it the truth or a lie? She didn't even know.
He winces almost imperceptibly. She gives him a second to rally.
"I hate you," He doesn't disappoint. Venomous, harsh, real belief. Maybe he had truly learnt to.
"Don't worry yourself, we won't have to see much of each other I'll make sure of it", Indifference was the worst poison.
She didn't care.
She turns and leaves without flinching.
Sometimes we have to learn to love what's good for us.
It was better this way...
"Why didn't you take him to his suite," hissed, hoping Rufus and Lilly don't wake up. Last thing they need is Rufus to have yet another reason not to let him in.
"Their are people passed out all over the place, and lots of...substances...I thought he'd be safer here," trying to keep his voice low, frustrated.
Serena growls, runs hands through rumpled hair.
"Safe Nate? He's barely breathing!"
"That's why he is safer here Serena, we managed to get him up to his bed all right, he'll sleep it off...Did you have a better idea?"on the defensive.
"No but...Maybe...I don't know Nate..." desperate.
"It'll be fine," feels regret at snapping. They're all in this together.
"I just hate it," slumps on the sofa, shoulders bowed, clutches her blonde locks.
"Yeah I know," sits gently down next to her. "Chuck can be..."
"No...not just Chuck.." dismissive. "I just hate how scared Eric looks, but how he deals with it...like it's nothing new...Was I really that bad Nate?" looks up at him now, lower lip trembles slightly wide eyes pooling.
A pause, what is he supposed to say?
He remembers how they'd get the call from Blair, Chuck would bring bagels, he'd bring his muscle, and Blair would bring her organizing skills. He has no idea in hell how they kept her alive for so long. Compared to Chuck now though...that was child's play. Not very comforting words.
"You weren't so bad," settles on saying. Can't bear to bring himself to break the blondes heart, no matter how she made his feel.
"Not so bad..." repeats his words, sound stupid as an echo. He flinches slightly. She smiles, watery, no tears fallen yet. "I guess that's something right. I mean at least I wasn't a complete failure as a sister, I didn't die on him right..." slight hysteria.
"Look its two in the morning, we're both tired and stressed and..." scared out of our minds? in over our depth? drowning?... Trails off insignificantly, rises to go. Overstayed his welcome, he can't help her in the way she wants, can't help anyone.
"Don't leave please," grabs his hand impulsively, he pauses, looks down at her. He couldn't deny her.
"How about I get us some ice cream then? Mango with peanut butter right?"
She laughs softly, he remembers.
She follows him to the kitchen, like she can't let him out of her sight. He might disappear, fall down a rabbit hole. There seemed to be a lot lying around lately, so easy to slip.
Watches as he scoops out the ice cream, far too much piled into the bowl, peanut butter on top, her favourite.
Sit together on the counter, their feet hanging off. Just like they used to when they were kids, side by side (two missing).
He finishes his in record time, glances at her as she plays with it listlessly, Thinking...
"You can have it," notices him staring, pushes the bowl into his hand.
A moments pause, her head turned away from him, ashamed.
Doesn't think about it, just does what's natural, what comes as easy as breathing.
Snakes tanned arm around her. Automatically like she was meant to (always had) she rests her head on his shoulder. Just like old times...as easy as breathing.
Sit like that for a while.
"Natie was it this scary...when I used to...did you all feel like this?" voice soft and small, looks up at him. Natie...she wanted her childhood, comfort, friendship, love. Honesty. Nothing frightened NateSerenaChuckBlair. Nothing frightened her Natie.
"I tried not to think about it," states carefully, avoiding her eyes. "If anything happened to you...it was...I just tried not to think about it that's all." clears throat, embarrassed at his honesty. "Anyway at least we had Blair there to take care of things you know...she never would have let anything happen to you." Tries a weak smile, not voicing She never would have let things get this bad.
A pause, he thinks maybe he made her cry. Imbecile.
Suddenly feels her hand on his, tugging his face towards her. So close their almost breathing the same sweet air, lips so close they were almost kissing, intoxicating.
"I'm sorry Natie," whisper. Sorry for what she couldn't say, neither of them could.
They stayed like that, so close, but not quite touching, by a hair.
Lean forward, millimetre by millimetre.
Like gravity pulling them to the centre of the earth.
And just as their lips almost touched.
"Serena honey are you down there?"
"Mom!" quickly disengages from his arms, slipping off the counter she almost runs up the stairs like hell hounds were on her heels. Like she had been electrocuted or electrified. Hard to tell which one.
Left him sitting there, holding a bowl with melted mango ice cream and peanut butter.
"Hey."
"Haven't seen you in a while," drawls from the bed, face pressed in a dark pillow. He sounds like death itself, been throwing up all morning.
"Well you haven't slept at home in about a week," no accusations, just statement of fact. Eric always had that ability to illicit guilt without accusations.
"I'm in college, I'm sure partying is expected."
"College parties yes...what gossip girl has been reporting not so much..."
"Over exaggeration, glances up from the pillow, checks to make sure he convinced him. Some reason doesn't want to lose his good opinion.
Eric's not convinced, but he ignores it for now.
"You have class now," another statement of fact.
"So should you."
"I've got study hall," unimpressed.
"And I choose to skip a boring lecture taught by yet another man who's had less business experience then me."
"You could help Mom out with the Bass accounts then, you know how she hates to go over them." Trying to entice him.
"I know she's doing a good job," better then me.
Sighs, gives up stance at the door, what was the point? Goes to sit on the chair by the desk never used. Swings around it lazily, he watches from the bed through slit eyes and a pounding head.
"Is there something you wanted to tell me, or can I go back to sleep," groans into pillow.
Eric stops swinging suddenly, stopped facing him.
"I thought you weren't going to wake up last night." Dead serious.
Laughs, then winces.
"Really Eric, a bit late in the morning for dramatics?"
"Nate and me wrestled you into the shower, we put it on full blast, freezing cold..."
"No wonder my clothes are damp," interrupts.
Ignores him.
"You barely responded Chuck, like you weren't even there..."
A pause.
"I always wake up. I'm Chuck Bass," blasé, Chuck Bass, his black armour, protect him from all ills.
"You woke up only because Serena managed to get some of that...that stuff that makes you vomit...You know what I can't even remember the name because I was so out of my head with fear that you were going to die, right there on her bathroom floor." Laughs, devoid of humour.
"Maybe it would have been be..."
"Don't say it," snapped angry now, furious. Shocked Chuck stays quiet. Takes a deep breath in, calm was the key. "Don't say that Chuck," quieter now.
A pause, tense silence.
"You know what I realised after I...after it happened." Doesn't need to elaborate on it, only one thing made Eric this serious. "I realised how selfish I had been. How I wouldn't just hurt myself, but Serena and Mom...how could they cope with something like that. Blaming themselves for the rest of their lives while I got the easy way out..."
"It's not your fault," what wasn't his fault? Everything, nothing.
"Yes it was Chuck," leaning forward now, trying to get through. "I made a choice, a really bad choice, and I just got lucky. But if I'd done it a few minutes earlier maybe no one could have saved me... And for the people left behind nothing will ever get better."
His head pounds and Eric's words hit him like knives. From anyone else scorn, but this kid...he was his little brother. And he was genuinely afraid.
"What do you want from me?" tired now.
"I want you to never let things get that bad again. To never do that again." I want you to get better, but that was asking too much.
"What do you propose I do then?"
Harder question.
"When stuff gets too much...Come home Chuck, we'll figure something out."
A pause, he absorbs this. Eric knows not all of it will get through, but hopefully something will stick.
"Charles darling I brought you up some breakfast," call from outside the door. Hope your decent, who knew what Chuck Bass was up to, even after a night of debauchery.
Sweeps in, a plate of eggs in hand, aroma fills the room.
Pales significantly.
"I think I'm going to be sick," never seen him move faster, practically ran out of the room past Eric and Lilly.
"Oh dear..." Lilly looks forlornly down at the plate. "I thought maybe he'd gotten it all out of his system..."
Eric laughs at her dismay, "It's okay Mom." You tried your best. "I'm still pretty hungry though, if you don't mind."
"Of course dear," hands him the plate and he devours it with gusto, feeling like he'd fought a battle. A losing one.
A pause between them, Lilly looking around the room confused.
"Eric where on earth did Charles go, his bathroom is through there?" finally voices her bemusement.
Almost chokes on his eggs. "He uh, likes to use Serena's..."
"Why on Earth would he do that?"
Shrugs, "He's Chuck Bass."
No other explanation required.
That would probably be the end of him.
"Hey and how are you today?" smile lights up his face as he sees her on her bed. Flicking through a magazine.
"Dan," wide eyes, looks up. Smile breaks across her face. Sunshine. Doesn't notice the flicker of guilt just before that.
"My class got cancelled so I thought..." does he need to elaborate further. Comes to sit beside her on the bed. "Maybe we could look at the latest famous together."Witty. Plucks the magazine from her fingers.
"It's Cleo actually and hey it has some very relevant articles..."
"Like...How to tell if he's into you. Well I can tell you for fact he is."
Smile tugs her lips.
"Is that so?"
"Certainly."
Lips almost touch. Then he hears it.
"Is Chuck in your bathroom again?"
Sighs, pulls away from him. She guesses the sounds of throwing up did kill the mood.
"He's been like that for about an hour now, I thought he had passed out but apparently not." Rolls her eyes. Make a big show of it, nothing wrong here.
"Doesn't that guy have his own bathroom to throw up in?" raises his eyebrows.
"Yes but he has some weird perverse obsession with mine," scrunches up her nose. Just like old times.
"Well how about I show him to his own," jaw clenches, tight fists.
"It's all right Dan," quickly grabs his arm. "How about we go get some lunch." She'll call Eric to make sure Chuck is still breathing, that term of phrase is becoming less like a joke.
"I don't get why you put up with him," through gitted teeth, but doesn't make a move to the bathroom door.
Sighs, runs her hand through his hair.
"He's had a really hard time lately..." glances at Dan's unforgiving face. "He...he's Chuck okay..." doesn't have anything to follow that.
"He should have stayed in Paris," growls, hostility. Never forget, never forgive. High horsed Humphrey.
"Blair and I are the one who convinced him to come back..."guilty, she wonders if they were wrong.
"You mean Blair was the one."
"No I mean... I was the one that found him and pushed Blair... I couldn't just let him disappear Dan...not like that. Not after we thought..." not after I thought he was dead. He's friend, he's family.
"I don't get it."
"I'm not asking you to." Not asking for your forgiveness.
Slightly hostile.
Sighs, she lets it out. It was pointless.
"Why are we even arguing about this it's silly. Lets just go get a slushie an..." Heaving emits from her bathroom yet again.
Both wince.
"Maybe not slushies," Dan relents. At least the jerk was suffering.
"I'll just make grab my bag, wait for me downstairs okay."
A peck on the cheek, he dutifully gets up and leaves. She makes a big show of rummaging in her closet.
He knows as soon as he's out of the room she'll check on Chuck, just to make sure he hasn't expelled all his insides or something.
He doesn't think he'll ever get it.
But he doesn't say a word.
Stands at the door, looks down at his sorry figure sitting on the floor, leaning his head near the toilet, ready for another surge.
Tempted to take a photo, maybe gossip girl could teach him a lesson. Good for a laugh.
Resists temptation though, this was not the time to laugh.
It never seemed to be the right time anymore.
"What happened last night Chuck?"
"Something that gave me a bad hangover and fussy memories of twins in..."
"Bull shit," maybe it's because she doesn't swear much, or maybe it's just because Chuck's tired of pretending. But he shuts up. "Blair said something about needing to study on a Friday night. Nate drags you home at two in the morning drunk and high off your face. I'm not that stupid Chuck."
A pause, breathes heavy, hasn't ranted that much in...well ever.
"Did Lilly slip something in your coffee this morning? I always suspected..."
Trails off at the unimpressed look.
"What happened last night?"
A pause, tense, balancing act which way would he tip?
"Blair happened." Bitterness.
Serena lets out the breath she's been holding.
"She came to see you?"
"She was willing to destroy the last vestiges of my life, out of revenge...She wants to see me destroy myself. And you know me, happy to oblige her as always."
"Bull shit," twice in one day, it had to be a record.
"What do you know about it," sneers now, annoyed.
"I know she loves you."
"She hates me, she made that clear.."
"No she loves you, and if you weren't as pig headed as her you'd know that. We both know she wants you to believe she hates you in some mistaken idea that if she says it enough that it will be true, and then somehow magically you'll have no power over her. You should know that by now."
"How do you know?" glances at her, surprised at the depth.
"She's my best friend." I just know. Simple.
A pause.
"I told her I hated her...again..."
"She knows that's not true."
"So what do you propose if you're so wise?" annoyed now.
"Chase her, get her back." Challenging.
"She has a Prince now, she doesn't want me..."
"You're all she wants," frustrated now "You're the only one she can be really happy with. She just needs to embrace that again. Don't let her get away Chuck, because if you do... you'll regret it for the rest of your life..." a bit too much passion to just be about him.
"Really?" raised eyebrows, colour flushes her cheeks, comes to herself suddenly.
"I have to go now, date with Dan remember, be good and go to class please."
Quickly turns on her heel, walks out.
"Why do I get the feeling it wasn't Humphrey Dumpty you were talking about Serena?"called after her from the bathroom floor.
"Clean up your own mess first Chuck," her only reply behind her shoulder.
Sometimes it was easier to preach then practice.
He strolls in casually a minute before the afternoon class was due to start, she tenses immediately.
Thinks look different in the morning, brighter and harsher. Cutting words forgotten, feelings speak louder anyway.
No. Eyes pleading.
Yes, smirks eyes straight to her. Middle of the middle, some of the minions in her course sitting the row down. The class was almost empty save for a few die hards and those hoping attendance would prevent flunking. The row she's on empty, she is the Queen after all. Plenty of seats for him to pick.
Curious eyes watch him as he stands there devilishly, pretending like he's trying to choose. Obviously he's made a reputation for himself already.
The lecturer frowns at him disapprovingly but waits until he sits down. One of those crotchety traditionalists.
He chooses the seat right next to hers of course. On her right.
Thinks to get up, but he's already started and she's already settled.
All he has is a note book, makes a big deal of squeaking the desk as he slid it over to place the unopen book on. She bets it hadn't even been opened all term.
Meets the glares of the lecturer at the squeeking desk with a blatant smirk.
"Bonjour ma chere," hoarse voice just above a whisper, almost in her ear, pretends like she doesn't hear, doesn't shiver at the proximity.
Ignores him, if she did it enough he would go away.
Concentrates on her paper, her pen. Black and white, simple scrawl.
"Am I beneath the Queens attention now?" picks up one of the pens sitting in a line on her desk.
Glares at him. Smirks and doesn't put it down.
Flicks her hair, makes a show of turning to listen intently to the dry tones of the lecturer and the bland slides.
"You know I don't know if I entirely agree with him there," notes, barely keeping his voice below a whisper. People near them look, not so sleepy now at the drama unfolding before them. Some eagerly getting their phones out, hoping to sneakily take a video of her meltdown for gossip girl. She took a deep breath, don't give them the satisfaction.
"You're not even in this unit, so how about you do us all a favour and leave," hisses it through gritted teeth, presenting a tense smile to the rest of the world. She wasn't fooling anyone.
"Perhaps you're right but I choose to stay," almost feel his self satisfied smirk.
"I hope you at least took a shower, you reek of scotch," flicking her eyes disdainfully at him. Really worried at the shadows under his eyes despite herself. Red bow tie today, she notes it's askew.
"I guess having a drink, or a few, for breakfast will do that to the best of us," lifts his mouth slightly, mocking. I am what I am.
Flicks her eyes quickly back to the slides. She did not care.
Allows the silence for a while, twirling the pen in his fingers.
Tap, tap, tap. Suddenly sharp and fast against the desk. People look, easily distracted from the drone of the lecturer.
Resolutely ignores it. She did not care.
Tap, tap, tap.
She didn't...
Tap, tap. Tap
She
Tap, tap, tap.
"Will you stop that," snaps aloud could barely be classified a whisper. "Some of us are trying to listen ," tries to quickly compose herself as those close by stare openly now. Settles her headband.
"For someone who cares so much you haven't been taking very many notes," he's right her paper is almost bare, only two lines. She hate it when he's right.
"Could you just leave Chuck?" loses all pretence, her voice desperate.
"I could, but I choose to torment you." Words echoed back to her, oh how simple life used to be when all she had to do was deceive Nate.
A pause as she glares at him and he smirks back.
"Fine," resolute once more, "Then I'll leave." Keeps telling herself, not a surrender, a tactical retreate, regroup then attack. Gathers her books, pens, almost ready to leave, then remembers one is missing.
Holds out her hand looking at him.
"What?" all innocence, if only.
"Give it back." Over patiently.
"No," stubborn.
"You don't need it," through gritted teeth.
"I like it," smrik widens.
"It's not your's." Voices beginning to be raised, more people staring now.
"It's public property Waldorf." Leers.
"It's mine Chuck. Now give it back" last warning.
"If I can't have it then why should you?" infuriating smirk echoing the words of earlier. She lost it.
"Give it back you Bass hole," grabs for it, he dodges, leaning back in the chair. Some of his hair may have been pulled as she leans over him, struggling for the pen.
"Get out of my class room," who knew the old fossil could yell so loud. Red in the face he glared at those who dared to interrupt.
Blair stops dead, remembering where she is red faced. Apologizes, lecturer just glares, repeats himself in steely tones. Red faced quickly settles her dress and picks up her things, almost fleeing from the room as her minions watch with wide eyes, the rest of the students smirking, laughing, gossiping, phones out. Sometimes she almost missed the non gossip girl aware NYU.
He strolls out after her cooly. It's not like he ever cared about embarrassing himself.
"Aren't you forgetting something," just as the door shuts and she's trying to get as far away from him he drawls. Determined not to turn around.
"Go to hell," snaps venomously, keeps on walking.
"Been there, done that. I believe this belongs to you," catches up to her easily with long strides holding up the pen.
"I don't want it," poison.
"That's not what you said a few minutes ago," superior.
Stops dead, refuses to look at him, trying to keep her voice from shaking, from seeing red.
"Why won't you just leave me alone?"
"Because you're so fun when you're agitated." Almost like their old banter, recapturing their youth. She was tired of playing pretend.
"I thought we were done, Friday. I thought it was clear you don't want me in your life and I certainly don't want you in mine." Blunt to the point. What do you want?
"Of course wouldn't want to spoil your fairytale." Slight bitterness creeps in.
"Is that what this is? You're jealous because the life your leading is a far cry from mine. Because I could move on while you just pass out?" barbs hitting, don't get angry get even.
"Move on? Really you call that pansy Prince moving on Blair?" sneers.
"He's far better then what came before," snaps, angrily.
"Really, and does he know the real you?"
"At least he would never humiliate me in front of my peers for kicks," almost yells at him now in frustration. People glance as they walk by, she doesn't care. "He would never bait me, make me think he cares and then...push me away or...He just would..." never hurt me.
Pause she doesn't voice the words.
"What never steal your pen?" mocking.
She deflates slightly as her anger dissipates, he would never understand, didn't want to understand. He'd made that clear.
"Look I'm just really tired..." tired of having the same arguments over and over again. Stuck in a time warp. She goes to leave without another word, he blocks her exit, grabs her arm.
"I'm not done," smirking, playing with her as always.
"You've already managed to humiliate me in my second week back. What more is there, aren't you happy now?" snapping now, annoyed as she tries to struggle out of his grip.
"Blair..." he looks at her, his smirk fading. She doesn't want to hear it, she's tired of his excuses.
"Just let me go Chuck...please...," it's that word that makes him release her arm, and she walks away without a second glance, trying to hold the tears back until she got into the privacy of a car straight home.
He watches her walk away, still clutching the forgotten pen in his hand.
"Just let me go Chuck...please...,"
He can't.
"A pen B. Really?" arches her perfect brows as she slips into the chair opposite.
"How many people know?" groans, hides her face in hands and brown curls.
"I'd say everyone who reads gossip girl, that is the whole student body at Columbia, oh plus Dan at NYU," trying to be sympathetic lighten the blow, can't help a small smile slipping through.
"It's not funny, it's humiliating S."
"I know, I know I'm sorry it's just...a pen. I mean I knew you guys would fight over everything but..."
"He just...I let him get to me that's all, never again though." Resolute.
"I must say I haven't seen Chuck in such high spirits since well...a while..." trails off awkward. "Not that I'm condoning his behaviour but I think he really missed you B."
"I'm with Louis now," angry reminder. "A true gentleman."
"And what does he think about the whole pen thing then?" smiles again, can't keep a straight face for long.
"Oh you know..." vague, waves her spoon with strawberry yoghurt. Serena gives her the no nonsense look. "Okay so he doesn't even know about gossip girl. It's all for the best really, like I said never again."
"So I'm guessing he doesn't know about your little visit to Chuck on Friday either?" careful treading.
A stunned pause.
"What do you mean?" sharp.
" Studying on a Friday night really?
"Some of us care about our grades Serena." Too shrill.
"C'mon B. You don't have to pretend, I know you went to see him, don't worry your secret is safe with me. You can talk to me you know, we're best friends."
"Was I that obvious?"
"Well...just a bit," laughs at Blair's glare. "Oh and um... Nate might have shown up dragging a really, really drunk Chuck. And this was the depressed kind. I kind of put two and two together and..." trails off.
"Well done Sherlock, but I don't want to talk about it." Short. So busy with her own problems, didn't notice how Serena had stumbled on Nate's name.
"B. You can't avoid the topic forever," serious now.
"Yes I can, just like I can avoid a certain Bass hole S. Columbia has a big campus."
"He's part of Hamilton house too B."
"Well I can find a new meeting place for my minions."
"You two can't avoid things forever."
"Apparently I'm the only one trying to do the avoiding."
"You know that's not true B." Reproachful now, "And you know that's not the avoidance I'm talking about."
"I have no idea what you're talking about S." Blandly clueless, bright smile, rises to go. "Now I have to go and start that assignment I have due, a Basshole is no excuse for a tardy paper."
"B. Don't be like that, you'll need to talk about it eventually," Serena calls after her desperately.
"Au revoir Serena," she waved a hand, refused to look back. Fleeing as fast as her Loubbetons would take her.
1812 was the place to be seen. They used to have wild parties when they were younger. It just felt like they were so old now.
It used to be all smiles, limos, sparkling dresses, bubbly wine. When drunk enough stripping down to their underwear and jumping on the bed.
They used to laugh a lot, even Chuck. Laugh and joke and Serena and Blair would mock choke him with his scarf when he said something sleazy.
They used to get on the dance floor, jump up and down, yell (well mainly Chuck and Blair would smirk at the idiocy of Serena and Nate beside them.) Occasionally when Chuck was really hammered he would get on top of a table, a glass in hand, and make some sort of ridiculous toast to decadence while they giggled.
Even when it was just Nate and him, they used to get obscenely drunk and hit on chicks, or gamble outrageous amounts of money.
They were always left with great pictures and funny (if not blurry) memories.
They were young and dumb and they had fun.
It was like it was supposed to be.
It was always supposed to be that way. Just one big party.
Nate looks around this place now and it's more like a death trap.
Their all taking a little too much. There was excess and then there was death.
Girls in various positions of undress with drunk guys buried in their hair.
Chuck clothes askew, barely conscious, slurring and drinking and smoking and flirting and drinking some more. Getting as lost as he can.
Mike's sitting next to him, laughing too. Apparently Nate had misjudged the guy, he wasn't a place holder he was the worse version.
Nate barely recognises his friend anymore.
And then there's the two most important guests missing, a blonde and brunette. (Serena was distracting Blair while Nate was supposed to take care of Chuck. Take care, no longer a friend a nursemaid.)
"I think this party should end man," sidles up to Chuck as he lounges on the couch. 1812 is starting to resemble a crypt.
"What are you talking about Nathanial it's just getting started," lolls his head, lazy, barely discernible.
"Yeah well from what I've seen so far it doesn't seem worth the wait," muttered, slightly annoyed as another girl crawls onto Chuck's lap.
"Don't be a wet blanket. We're just having some fun," he speaks around her smirking, pushes her off him gently to stagger upright and grab some powder off the table.
"This isn't fun Chuck, this is a frigging over dose waiting to happen," angry now, grabs his friends hand before he can take the bag. "Don't do this, not again." Serious now.
"What are you my nurse maid?" sneers, pulls his arm away.
"You're making me into your nurse maid," bristles. "That's all I feel I ever do with you now, make sure you don't kill yourself. Hell Chuck why can't you just get it together man, the rest of us have to?"
"I'm sorry I forgot about you and your little drama's with Serena." Cool now, icy cool. Time to cut all ties. "Look Nathanial just because your not getting any doesn't mean you have to deprive the rest of us. Anyway I'm sure if you just walked into my 'sis' room she'd be happy to oblige you, I hear she takes twenty an hour."
He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend.
It's his mantra, kept him from punching something.
"Look your drunk and...high and I'm tired." Sighs, rubs the back of his neck. "How about we just tell everyone to leave and play some Wii or something man, like old times?" Try and mend the bridge, Chuck is already lining up the powder.
"Wii," scornful, pauses in his crafting. "Please Nathanial maybe it's time you realise some of our tastes have sophisticated over stoned high school friends and their bare minimum IQ."
He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend.
"Now are you going to party with us," He held up a discarded packet up, out to Nate. Challengin him, he'd never done that before, never. Always to those people he scorned, despised (Humphrey) but never Nate, he never had to prove himself, they were just best friends. No longer. "Or should I call security?"
He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend.
The problem was this guy was looking less and less like his best friend as time went on.
'I'll find my own way out," not a sophisticated come back, just hard, cold, real. You want to burn some bridges? I'll help you with that.
Turns and storms out, doesn't look back. (If he had would have noticed Chuck looking after him, regret...)
Slams the door behind him, childish he knows.
Gets all the way to the lobby before he runs out of steam.
Never could stay angry for long.
Pauses there, what the hell was he supposed to do?
Turns to look back at the elevator. If he went back up there punching something was sure to happen.
He's your best friend, he's your best friend. He is your best friend.
"Screw it man," muttered to self, kicks the pot plant. People skirt around him.
Settles on slipping out his phone. Number one speed dial.
"Hey Serena, sorry to bother you but uh...I just lost it and I...I was just wondering if you wanted to wait with me here in the Palace bar until..." Until we can go back up to 1812 and do some damage control.
A pause.
"Of course Natie, I'll be right there."
No questions asked.
That's what friends were for. Drag themselves out of bed to wait at a bar. Or wait at a bar until you were ready to let them in again.
He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend.
It was still true.
Those sorts of bonds (four) never burnt away, not matter what you did to try and make them go up in flames.
"Serena where are you?" knows she's whining, but was preparing Breakfast at Tiffany's and sushi.
"B. I'm so sorry...something came up..." Something, code for him.
"Oh," she did not care. "Well should I expect you at all tonight then? You never seem to sleep here anymore."
"I know B. I really am sorry," rewind, repeat. "It's just Mom could really use the help now...It's just easier this way...But it won't be like this forever." I promise, one they both knew she couldn't keep.
"It's okay...Louis wanted to do something tonight anyway..." I understand, I do, doesn't mean I have to like it.
"Look I have to go. Raincheck?"
"Yeah sure..."
"Love you B."
Dial tone before she can reply.
"Dan?" smiles brightly at him (maybe too brightly) as she steps down from the stairs. Hair is mussed, eyeliner smudged, she hasn't gotten much sleep.
Still looks like a goddess though. Still takes his breath away.
"I thought I would surprise you," weakly holds up a box of candy. Cliched he knew.
"Surprise me?" slight confusion, bemused smile as she throws her arms around him.
"Uh yeah," pulls away from her, brows furrowed. "For our anniversary...? You forgot." A statement, her face already gave her away.
"Oh my gosh I am so sorry, I just... I am so sorry Dan," guilt, seeps into everything. Tears pool in her eyes, always too ready to cry recently.
"Hey, hey it's okay," quickly embraces her in a bone crushing hug, all annoyance vanished. Can't bear to see her cry. "I know you've had a lot on your plate lately. It's only something silly."
"No it's not," protests muffled into his shirt. "It's not and I can't believe I forgot it. I'll make it up to you I promise." Pulls away to look at him sincerely in the eye, desperately searching for something to do. "How about we go out, just you and me no interruptions, no drama. The whole day."
"That...that sounds great, better then great actually." Smile breaks across his face, gosh is she beautiful.
"Perfect, I'll just get ready," quick kiss on the cheek, then her long legs have disappeared upstairs. At the top, looks back down at her. "Maybe you could pick a dress out for me while I take a shower?" small smile plays her lips.
'Perfect," he repeats her dumbly. Follows after her more slowly, grinning like a fool.
When they get to the corridor smoke is everywhere.
"What the?" no need to guess where it's coming from.
Serena barges straight to his room, swinging the door open, plans forgotten.
"Chuck what the hell, you're going to set off the smoke alarms." Barges in, angry, Dan hangs around the door. Moral support.
Chuck's on the bed, joint in hand, open bottle on the bedside table along with a glass.
Serena stops, running out of steam.
"I thought you were passed out?" finally settles on saying.
"I thought you'd gone out," continues to stare at the ceiling. Still dressed in a suit from last night, pink bow tie this time. Takes another hit.
"Give me that," snaps, go over grabs it from his unresistant fingers. "Shouldn't you be spewing in my bathroom right now?"
"Didn't you hear, the best cure for a hangover is to retox," drawls.
"Yeah well..." turns to put it out on the ashtray next to the bed. Stops dead, the joint drops into the tray.
"Uh Serena are you...?" maybe it's time he takes a more active role. Chuck sneers over at him, doesn't have time to say anything.
"Chuck what are these?" dead serious now, holding up a little white bottle, confronts him.
A pause.
"Don't pretend you don't know what sleeping pills are," sneers, rising from his spread eagled position, "Please the guy has slept with you already, you don't have to keep up the virginal act 'sis'."
A pause, both stunned at the jibe.
Deep breath, keep it together.
"I'm flushing these down the toilet, and if I ever catch you with more I'm telling Mom. This has got to stop Chuck." It was a weak threat, but she didn't have anything else.
Turns , walks pass Dan, hard blue turns soft as she glances at him apologetic 'I'll be right back.'
He guesses they've all forgotten Chuck has his own bathroom. Or maybe she wanted to get out of there before she said something she'd regret. Dan didn't have that problem.
He glared at Chuck, standing now.
"What is your deal?" snarled, practically spat. Chuck smirks derisively.
"I don't have to explain myself to a Brooklyn wannabe."
"I mean it," looking at him now. "Everyone is trying to help you. Serena has done more then she should, and you just keep on throwing it in their faces what is your problem?"
"Actually that's their problem not mine," the smirk is beginning to fade. "Now are you going to get out of my room, or should I call security?"
"Serena invited me here," challenging.
"I don't believe when she invited you in she meant for you to have a free lease of the house. Now get out."
"I'm just trying to understand," shakes his head, "I get that your Dad was messed up, and your mum turned out to be a manipulator but..."
"She was not my mother," he's standing now, his voice cold and low. Dangerous like ice.
"Serena told me about the pate..." taken aback slightly.
"Well Serena got it wrong. " cuts him rudely. "My mother died on the 12th of March, that woman was nothing but a gold digging harlot. You understand that Humphrey?"
A pause.
"Now get out."
Dan does just that, closing the door behind him, but not before he saw Chuck grab the bottle by the bedside table, didn't even bother with a glass.
Despite himself he kind of gets it now. After all where were you supposed to turn when your own parents simply didn't want you?
"Hello anyone here?" rolls her suitcase off the elevator, looks around. Nothing has changed. Smiles slightly. The place seems empty though, frowns Dan said he had Monday's off, she knew they'd usually be spent with Serena.
"Hello?"
No reply.
Makes her way up the stairs, wants to throw her suitcase in the guest room. (Guest room, was that all she was now, a guest?)
Almost at his door when it opens.
"I thought you were..." stops dead, so does she.
Remembers that awkward moment, visiting, never planned to bump into him again.
You ruined everything.
His eyes don't say that anymore, they don't say much. Like their dead or something.
She's holding her breath, waiting.
"I didn't know you were back..." slips out, awkward.
"I'm not. Just visiting, for thanksgiving...It was meant to be a surprise..." voice is small, cracks slightly with nerves.
A pause.
"I'll go pack." Voice monotone.
Disappears back into the bowels of his room, she blinks slowly, staring after him.
"Chuck wait," what the hell was she doing? Swung the door open anyway, followed in after him.
Stops, shocked. Looks like a bomb has hit the room, doesn't fail to notice the empty bottles.
Eric had told her via email about things...seeing was believing.
"I'll be out of here in minutes," laughs shortly, pours amber liquid in a glass and drowns it down. Scotch, made her stomach turn. Wanted to puke on the expensive carpet. She hated scotch.
"What happened?" to the room? To him?
Dark eyes glance at her, she expects a snide comment.
"I don't know," it's the truest answer he's give anyone. He's more of a lost boy then he lets on.
Drops his gaze, can't bear that look in her eyes. Goes to sit on the bed, shoulders slumped, head in hands.
There's a long pause, she wonders if he's still breathing.
"I'm sorry." Comes out suddenly, doesn't look up, hair still clutched in his hands like he can pull his worries out through it. Muttered, tired, hoarse, coarse.
I'm sorry for everything.
She stands there awkwardly, watching him, shocked.
Because that was her, her a year ago. And he'd tried to help, long before she spiralled completely out of control and his heart was ripped out on the Empire state building.
"Be careful, Jennifer Humphrey. If you come down the rabbit hole, it's going to take more than Blair Waldorf and your army of minions to drag you back out."
Turns out it had taken a mistake, the biggest mistake of her life.
Her salvation spelt his destruction.
She knew now, it was no one's fault.
They were both just damaged, she could relate.
That's why she steps forward, slowly, hesitantly sits beside him on the bed. (Haven't you learnt your lesson yet Jenny Humphrey? She tells the voice to shut up.)
"Chuck I for..."
"Chuck we brought you a bagel," Serena's sing song voice comes from the hallway. They both jump up shocked, too late to do anything else.
Door swings open.
"I have to change, Dan's taking me to a romantic dinner in..." stops shocked, stares.
Worse thing was she wasn't alone.
"What the hell," resembles a traffic light, stops at furious.
"Dan it..."
"What the hell is going on here?" ignores her, eyes only for Chuck. Barges forward fist already clenched.
"Isn't it obvious?" just had to open his big mouth, bitter smirk. Never heard of draco dormies nunquam titilandus Chuck? He never did read the Harry Potter books.
"Dan stop it," shrieks, quickly stepping in front of him, trying to calm him down. "Don't."
"Woah, woah," tall blonde comes to grab him from behind. "Dan..."
"Get out of the way Jenny," he snarls, trying to pull out of Serena's grip.
"Dan just leave it," screams at him, frustrated. "Just leave him alone okay."
Jenny Humphrey protecting Chuck Bass, it stops Dan dead in his struggles.
All of them shocked at the outburst, even her.
A pause.
"Nothing happened okay?." Sounded lam even to her ears.
"He is not staying under the same roof as you," snaps, still glaring at him. Calmed down enough to listen though.
"I'll stay at the loft with you," intercepts before Chuck can open his mouth again. "It's my real home anyway."
"Are you satisfied now?" Serena voices, slightly unimpressed.
"Yeah, fine," settles his jacket. "I'll take Jenny home now. If that's all right with you?"
"Fine," slightly frosty, a talk was inevitable.
Grabs his sister arm, she shakes him off, walks ahead. Girl needs her dignity. Doesn't dare to glance at Chuck or Serena as she leaves, embarrassed.
"So what happened?" turns on him once they hear the elevator ding.
"We had a D&M." Deadpan. "You want a drink?"
Shakes her head in disgust, struts out. Had enough of him for the day.
Happy anniversary Serena.
They hold out until dessert.
That's got to be some record or something, dessert on thanksgiving.
The pie comes around.
Chuck had been sitting quietly between Eric and Serena, Dan and Jenny on the other side, Rufus and Lilly at the head.
Serena didn't want to know what her Mom had to do to convince Rufus to let Chuck stay now Jenny was here.
Rufus was tight lipped in flannel, glaring at Chuck every now and then, alternating between telling bad jokes to everyone else.
Jenny was awfully quiet (had been staying at the loft.)
Dan was tense (he and Serena still hadn't had that talk.)
Lilly kept up wide smiles and conversation, keep up the pretence of a happy family, not a twisted mess.
Chuck's looking gloomily into his glass, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Not since Bart has he felt this awkward. A disappointment. He had wanted to escape, but Lilly had dragged him down.
"Please Charles for me."Guilt trips sucked.
Rufus had gone to check on something he had been baking (just like a traditional Humphrey thanksgiving). Lilly turned to the table, not much conversation was to be had among the younger occupants.
"So Jenny what sort of college were you looking at?" Lilly enquires kindly, drawing the girl into the conversation.
"I don't know, I have to work on my grades. But I was thinking maybe NYU, something local you know..."
"And what are you thinking of studying?" keep it generic, a good hostess.
"Art and design, maybe coupled with business...I don' t really know though," colours at her ambition.
"Well have you thought of Columbia then? They have a great business program right Charles?" Don't make it awkward, it was just a question.
A pause.
"Sure," he drawled, taking another drink. "Good enough." It was just a bored statement, meant nothing, it didn't have to.
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Dan bristling for a fight all evening. Serena was angry at him, but couldn't he see Chuck didn't deserve a second chance. Not after whatever he walked into with Jenny and him. Both looking guilty, Jenny with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. She wouldn't tell him what happened but he could tell she was upset, something eating away at her. He wasn't going to just let that slide.
"What do you think Humphrey?" sneers.
"Now you two..." Lilly begins, trying to sound warning, looking more worried. "How about you have some pie?" any distraction will do.
"I'm sure Daniel is in need of some," lewd comment under his breath, just loud enough for the person concerned to hear. Eric almost chokes on his juice.
" That's it you jerk, get up," Dan slams the chair back, glaring.
"Daniel," wide eyes, shocked.
Chuck actually rises, disdainfully.
"You may have gotten in a few lucky punches but don't think you're anything special." Sneers.
"Lucky? Really because those black eyes made me think maybe they were well aimed."
"Dan can you just stop," Serena says wearily.
"How about you tell that to Chuck," Dan snaps.
"I'm done here. Lilly the dinner was exquisite, too bad I can't say the same for some of the company." Turns to leave, settling his jacket.
"Charles don't..." Lilly began.
He ignored her continued into the living area towards the elevator. Out of sight out of mind. Apparently Humphrey didn't get the message.
"I'm not going to let you run away as per usual," Dan walked after him, spoiling for a fight. "Coward."
Chuck stopped dead in his tracks, in the middle of the living room, his nails biting into his palm, his hands shaking. Punching Humphrey wasn't sounding too bad.
"Real original," he settled on saying. Indifference. Who cared what an upstart thought.
"You know what your problem is?" hit them where it hurts. Chuck screwed him over, his family over, time after time, it was his turn now.
"I'm a jerk? Really you're not all that inventive..."
"You destroy everything, everyone around you. Love, hate, it doesn't matter to you does it? You screw with everyone and think you're above everyone else. And they just keep on helping you and you keep on hurting them. No wonder Blair hates you. Of course you can't help yourself can you?"
It was those words, the one's implied by his father every time, echoed back to him.
Failure, screw up, disappointment. Every time your true colours come out.
You just can't help yourself.
He ignored whatever else Dan was ranting about, kept on walking, pressed the elevator button desperately, needed to flee.
Coward.
Needed to get out.
The train was slipping off the tracks, it was only a matter of time before it crashed.
Rufus walked into the dining room, pie in hand. Took in the stunned faces, different phases of upset.
"What did I miss?"
"Are you ready yet ma chere?" he walks into her room, she's spraying the final touches, a sweet perfume Louis thought was divine.
"Just finished," laughs as he snakes his arm around her waist.
"You look perfect," says, looking adoringly at her reflection.
Red dress, black shoes. She felt perfect, (almost).
"I have something for you," whispers in her ear, she giggles slightly. She's young and free with a beautiful Prince on her shoulder, she should be light and happy.
Turns around, he picks up a flat box thrown carelessly on her bed.
Pulls back the expensive ribbon, he opens it for her.
A necklace resting inside.
Divine.
Not Eric Beamon.
Probably thousands of dollars more expensive.
"Louis it's..." gasps.
"I was going to give it to you later at dinner but I just couldn't wait." Delighted at her shock. "I want tonight to be per..."
Her phone trills interrupting his sentence.
"I'm so sorry Louis I'll just turn it off," quickly grabs it from the purse on her table. Knows she could have ignored it.
Nate. What? He hardly ever calls lately, unlike Serena he still blames her passive aggressively.
"Blair?"
"I just have to..." doesn't finish her statement, feels a sinking in her stomach. Quickly slips into her bathroom, away from concerned eyes. Something was wrong...
"Nate?"
"Blair, hi I uh..." he sounds weird, stunned, his voice is hoarse.
"Is everything all right?"
"I'm in the hospital," blurts it out.
"What? Why? What happened? Are you okay?" thousands of panicked emotions whirling inside.
"It's not me it's Chuck. I found him Blair..." she hardly heard anything after that, something about Nate dropping over after class, empty bottles, sleeping pills..."He wouldn't wake up Blair. They say they have to pump his stomach."
"I'll be right there," presses the red button. Lets the phone slip from her fingers.
"He wouldn't wake up..."
Practically runs out the door.
"Blair what is..."
"Louis I'm sorry I have to go," doesn't wait to explain, flees.
Maybe she was never destined to have perfect.
"Nate."
Runs straight to his arms in the white room, clutches him tight.
Loses himself in her familiar blonde locks.
Tries to hide his red eyes.
Shit he had been scared.
'I'm so sorry," repeats into his shirt, familiar crisp after shave preventing her tears spilling. Safe, they were safe, together.
"It's not your fault," mutters back, voice hoarse.
No one's fault. All Chuck's.
He was his best friend, how could he pull crap like this?
He didn't understand.
"I'm still sorry, I should have been there..." she'd grown up so much, taken responsibility, like it was hers. Making up for all those times she had been the one losing control. Redemption was a bitch, but she bore it so well.
His heart swells for her selflessness.
"I love you Serena," slips out, natural.
"I love you too Natie," pours out of her instinctively. He was hurting, she need to help him. Not clear, love you as a friend? More then a friend?
This girl would drive him crazy.
He meets her at the coffee machine, she stops hitting it and stares at him.
"Need some help?"
"No," frosty.
"Oh, okay..."
She turns to go, was that the end.
"Hey, hey don't go," grabs her hand quickly.
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Look Serena I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything."
Looks at his desperate eyes, sincerity. Softens, bites her lip. He cared, he really did.
"It's not your fault Dan," touches his face lightly with her other hand.
"I know but I still feel bad..." relents. "I just want you to know, despite being a jerk recently, I love you, I will always love you. No matter what."
A pause.
"Right that sounded less corny in my head," smiles weakly.
Laughter rises out of her, bubbly and light. He always knew how to make her laugh even at the worst of times.
Impulsively throws her arms around his neck. He smells of coffee and a woodsy smell, comforting.
He envelopes her in a strong embrace, not too tight, not too loose either.
"I love you Serena," repeats fervently. I couldn't bear to lose you.
"I love you too." Me neither.
There seemed to be a lot of that going around tonight. Hospitals brought out the best and worst in them all.
He's asleep for a long while. Pale, shadow under his eyes. She sits there, holding his hand, the others come in and out.
Ironic when he finally opens his eyes they're alone in the room.
"Why did you come?" voice is hoarse, winces.
"I..." doesn't continue.
"You won't stay?" Be with me. Not a statement, still hope.
A pause. Why did they keep on doing this to each other? She didn't know any other way.
Dark eyes meet dark eyes. Barely keeping it together.
"I can't..."
"Get out."
"Chuck..."
"Just get out Blair...now. Please, just go." Voice breaks slightly, reflects cracks on the inside. Ready to shatter, can't in front of her.
Tears blur her vision as she leaves, stupid heels clicking against the floor, matching the steady beat of his heart.
She feels like hers has flat lined.
Once out of the room she lets the tears fall freely, who cared who saw her now?
Wrong place, wrong time.
"Blair?" Last voice she thought she would hear.
"Oh my gosh Louis I..." can't continue, sobs again uncontrollable. Lost control of the flood gates.
Pulled into a warm embrace, strong arms, strong cologne. Foreign, sweet, opposite to everything she knew.
Allows herself to wallow for a while, he lets her. Finally she gains enough control to stop sobbing, though the tears don't stop falling.
"You came to see him didn't you?" Louis was no fool, he'd seen the looks, the tight lips whenever her friends mentioned the name. He knew there was something more. "I wanted this night to be perfect and..."
"I'm so sorry," could she feel any worse? "I'm sorry I can... I can't explain really Louis. I love you I do, but I just..." I love him too, I can't let him go.
"No listen," interrupted her, pulled her out of his embrace so he could look at her. "Blair tonight I wanted it to be perfect for you. Because I wanted to tell you I am in love with you. I have never felt about anyone the way I do about you. And I want to introduce you to my family, for them to see how amazing you were. I was going to propose we go on a plane tonight but..."
"I ruined everything," sobs start racking her body again. He was in love with her...and she didn't know what she felt anymore.
"No, don't you see. I am in love with you Blair, all of you. And if you need to be here...I will stay here with you. That's what love is no? Give and take?"
Her sobs turn into choking laughter, buries her face once more in his expensive cashmere shirt.
Give and take.
What more was there to give?
"You are too good for me," she whispers into his shirt. She should let go of him at least.
"I am only as good as you deserve." Why did he have to be so perfect?
She doesn't let go of him, just lets him hold her, stroke her hair, murmur that he loves her.
Lets him hold her together. Keeps her from breaking apart.
Lilly comes home in the early hours of the morning. The others were there, there was nothing else she could do.
The doctors said he was stable now, would be ready to come home in a few days. She had no idea what she was going to do.
Rufus had gone to stay with Jenny at the loft, he didn't want to leave her alone. Eric had gone over to his boyfriends for support. So Lilly came home to an empty house, or what she thought was empty.
"Charles," he freezes on the stairs, he has a bag full of things, passport in hand. "You're supposed to be in the hospital."
"I checked myself out early," he looks terrible, dressed in a top and pants she knew he hadn't even bothered to check were clean. He sounded terrible, hoarse. His eyes were red, like...
"Charles you can't leave you're not well..."
"You can't stop me," cold, hard. Get out of my way.
"What happened you can talk to me," desperate now as he gets over his shock, makes his way down the rest of the stairs, to the elevator, presses the button.
She could probably call security, but then what? She couldn't hold him forever.
"I need to leave..." muttered, avoids looking at her. Guilt, she's probably the only one who can illicit it so strongly in him.
"Charles where are you going to go? Please..." she takes his hand, their colours almost match, how pale he was and frail looking. Like a little lost boy.
"Lilly don't you see it's better this way," looks at her desperately, dark eyes meet light ones. A cornered animal.
"Better for who Charles?"
Looks away, takes his hand back gently. "It's best this way," repeats. The elevator doors open, relief. Doesn't need any more confusion, any more conflict.
"Charles," a thousand things run through her mind as he looks up at her from that elevator. "Just come back home when you're ready..."
Nods once, holds eye contact until the doors slide shut with finality. She doesn't know if he will come home She can only hope.
He doesn't know his destination until he gets to the plane.
Then again maybe he always knew exactly where he was heading.
He'd reinvented himself there once before, why not again?
Watches the lights over the city, breathtaking,
Held the piece of paper from the file he'd taken with him (still had PI's on retainer.)
Got lost a few times, but finally stumbled down the little cobbled alleyway, stopped at the faded red door of a modest house.
Knocks.
A few minutes of his heart in his throat, then it's opened.
Shock fills her face.
"Charles?"
"I love the way you lie."
This is mammoth but not over yet I still have some vague ideas for at least two chapters more maybe. Please if you add it to alerts/favourites review! Or even if you just read it! I know Louis is too good to be true, but he's a Prince come on what are the chances of his character even existing? That's my excuse lol. I hope it's not OOC I hate how judgmental Eric has gotten towards Chuck in the show though. After all Jenny has done to Eric and he takes her side. My Eric believes in bros before hoes, literally = P. Pleasseee review and you'll give Chuck a bear hug! = D Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I'll fix them up later, I just really wanted to post. Some of this is a bit of a repeat, also apologize for that. But that is Chuck and Blair, their cycle of love hate, lust repeats all the time and I love it = ).