POV #5
Rremember March 16th? No. I do. It marks the fifteenth day before I met a guy named Matt Hardy. But at that time... March 16th...I just never knew who he was.
They say love has a soft melody that can easily be played through the keys of a piano. However, to do that, the pianist must have the skill to play the piano, and most importantly, a full knowledge of love.
I have skill.
I have no knowledge.
What's my problem? Well... aside from the fact that I'm being subject to this talk thing on such short notice...it's mainly that I don't really know when I fell in love with Matt Hardy. It feels like I fell for him the first day I met him. That feels logical at least. And I've come to accept it...haven't I?
To be honest here I don't have a lot of time. I'm a busy man see, so don't expect anything too long here -
What?
That's already been said?
By who?
Oh come on! Tell me.
Fine. Whatever.
But believe me...I promise this won't take long because I don't wanna be here, so...anyways.
I met Jeff Hardy by accident.
Summary: I was in the final year of University - after having to repeat one time too many - and I was looking for campus resident John Cena. I never lived on campus. I lived in a shitty basement apartment. So of course I didn't know which one of the cookie-cutter buildings belonged to Cena. And naturally, because I didn't know (and because I had lost my phone earlier and thus could not simply contact John), I got lost in the concrete labyrinth.
After about a half hour, I walked into being more lost than before and stumbled upon a deep corner. Which I turned. And stopped turning once my eyes lock onto the sight of a blond getting plundered by a larger guy.
Let me just pause here to say that I did not know Jeff Hardy before, or during this event. I knew him two weeks later.
Anyways, back to the summary. I watched the whole thing happen - curious because prior to I never knew two guys could have sex. It was the main reason why Jay and I fell out really. I just never knew stuff - and eventually the live sex movie ended. When it ended, I stapled myself to the wall of the corner and tried to play possum for as long as I could. It worked. The blond walked right on by and never spotted me - mostly due to the fact that he was fiddling with a phone.
He was slim. Tall, but slim. His muscles were just there for definition. And watching him walk was like watching the sound of two piano keys go off one after the other in a repetitive motion. It soon became hypnotic. So I stood there, pasted to the wall like an idiot, watching the blond swag away until he left out of sight.
I sighed to a relief...but then quickly came to the realization that the phone he had looked awfully a lot like the one I had lost earlier in the day.
My second meeting with Jeff came at the expense of his older brother Matt introducing him to us. This time, the kid had pink hair.
I digress.
Actually... I didn't. That had everything to do with my story. Crap! I'm running out of time.
Okay.
Since there's so much damn interest all of a sudden, let me sum up the reason why I love Matt Hardy. It's because every time someone mentions the name Jeff and said person does or does not appear right then and there (more often not) Matt lights up like a Christmas Tree. He smiles. He laughs. He grows a loveable personality - vastly different from his usual cut dry one - that makes anyone who sees it suddenly wish they were the reason it happened. I see it. And for years I've been wishing that I was the reason for Matt's smile. That I could make him laugh.
That I could mean to him what Jeff Hardy means to him.
Moving along.
I remember a piano class I had once when I was little. My teacher was berating me about my lack of focus. Of course I didn't know what focus had to do with anything because we both knew I was Mozart reincarnate. However, I think I finally found what she meant by:
"If you never learn to look for mistakes, then those mistakes will be your downfall"
At first, for the longest time actually, I looked at Jeff Hardy as simply Matt Hardy's younger, beloved brother. I envied their "perfect" relationship simply because I would have given anything to be in Jeff's position. All the time I spent envying, and admiring... the mistakes finally caught up and kicked me in the shin for good measure.
Matt was suffering from depression. And it went unnoticed for the longest time.
Wait...what time is it?
Shit! I've gotta wrap this up.
Um...where was I?
Oh yeah.
For quite some time, Matt would appear at the studio drained of life itself. Generally he looked extremely tired, and many of us simply wrote it off as nothing more than simply the road life getting the best of him. Soon we discovered the true reason.
Summary: Three months ago, Matt never showed up for a practice. Chris took it upon himself to "command" (I basically volunteered) me to go and seek out our lead guitarist. I found him, collapsed on his floor just a few meters ahead of his open door. Panicked, I drove him to the hospital only to learn that the brunette had suffered from serve sleep deprivation. According to his doctor, he apparently had been doing this for a while, but this time he went overboard by not sleeping for a little over five days straight. None of us could come up with a reason for that, so I took the next logical step. I sought out Jeff. And I conceded then more than ever that Jeff Hardy is a ghost.
For about three days I sat at Matt's bed-side waiting for him to wake up. To be quite honest, even though the love of my life was lying in a hospital bed from the effects of no sleep for a prolonged period of time, I smiled a bit seeing as it gave me the time I needed to talk to him and tell him how much he needed to wake up because of how much I wanted him to wake up.
And of how much I loved him.
In those three days, we were still clueless as to why Matt would stay awake on end for so long, and then the answer came when the prodigal son in Jeff Hardy called his brother's phone - from apparently a pay phone seeing that the number began with a one, an eight and two zeros. I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hello? Matt?"
"Jeff?"
"Yeah." Pause. "Is this Matt?"
"No. It's Adam."
"Oh hey Adi. Where's Matt?"
I looked over to the hospital bed. The one with Matt Hardy lying still on it. I turned away. "He's at the hospital."
The call ended there. I took the short time to plant a kiss on Matt's forehead before heading out of the room. Jeff occupied it in a matter of short minutes. And very soon, as though he had been waiting all along, Matt woke up. And smiled.
Yeah. It hurt a lot that day. I stood and watched Jeff accomplish in three minutes what I couldn't get done in three days. I knew then that the best thing to do was to simply turn away and give up. But, as I scrolled through Matt's phone later on, I realized that that was not the right thing to do.
Hey Matty! I heard ur back. So excited :D I'll come by tonight to see you! Luv Jeffy!
That text was over a week old. In that moment I had discovered Matt's reason for induced insomnia.
It's what time? Oh...damn it... Okay. Let me speed things along here.
I never did anything about that text. I simply returned Matt's phone to him and kept mum on the whole reason why Fozzy's lead guitarist had passed out from sleep deprivation. He fed Jericho the line of "The road life caught up to me". And I decided to just eat it like everyone else.
That was it after all. Matt never came to work looking like we all felt. He looked healthier, and for once I thought my teacher was wrong.
How wrong I was.
It didn't take long for those mistakes I chose not to seek out to find me. They found me again. And they threw in Jeff's problem into the mix.
Summary: We had barely nestled back into our beds after a month long national trip, when suddenly my phone rang. Swearing that it was Chris trying to swindle me into some late night meeting again, I ignored it the first two times, but then the third time...well with Chris twice is enough. I answered on the third time.
"Adam?" A shaky voice caved in. "Help me."
It's not every day - night in this case - that I hear Matt's voice sound legitimately scared shitless. And it certainly would never happen over the phone at five in the morning. But it did. He had called and all he had to say was help me, and I was in my car speeding to his directions.
I found him, sitting under a bridge in the dark city park, and cradling the limp body of one Jeff Hardy. From what I could decipher, Matt was fine. It was Jeff - ironically - who was out cold and lifeless on this occasion. My instincts told me to leave things be. Let the rival rot. However, no amount of instincts could possibly deny the one blatant fact - Matt Hardy was crying over the lithe body of his brother. It tore at my heart, and for once I did not envy Jeff.
We drove to the hospital - thinking now, those doctors probably were wondering "again?" when I walked in with Matt on my shoulder and a pink-blue hair blonde being carried in my arms...but it's a good thing appearances have never meant shit to me - and dropped Jeff off in the nearest room. The doctor didn't have to examine Jeff much apparently, as in less than five minutes he came to us with the diagnosis.
Jeff Hardy had over dosed.
I was shocked and looked to Matt for shock, only to find anger and this:
"I know that already!" He shouted - shocking me even further "Just tell me if he's gonna be alright?"
The doctor - after climbing over the hill of shock that apparently he and I now shared - spoke solemnly "Yes. He'll be fine. Some rest will do him well right now."
It was on that night that I found out the true nature of Jeff Hardy. He was a drug addict - in short - and according to Matt -
"Jeff takes those drugs to numb him to the pain I've caused him." He stated with his eyes still raking the bend of his knees. "I don't really remember much of what happened that day. I mean one minute we were just drinking and watching the game. And then the next" He hesitated to draw in a shaky breath. "The next I was on top of him. Blood was everywhere" His hands shook a bit in the fists they encased. "Teeth marks and nail marks were all over his body. His nose was broken. His hair was matted to his face. Everything just stunk of..." He breathed heavily again before bringing his chin up and sliding those brown eyes over to me. "I took Jeff's innocence away from him, and pushed him to turn to those damned drugs for comfort." After being filled to the brim, a tear managed to break free, and roll bumpily down Matt's face. His expression contorted heavily with pain. "When did I stop being his brother -" A few more tears escaped to stain the hard terrain of Matt's face - and choked the life out of his sentence momentarily. Soon, my expression began to mirror his. I could just feel it. "When did I turn into this?"
Needless to say, I had no answers. And maybe it was because of that that I kept our conversation a secret for so long. I just couldn't tell anybody. It just never felt right to do so.
Matt stayed by Jeff for the weeks that followed. He slept - I checked myself - but never for long. Only for a few breath-taking minutes. Then, his eyes would open slowly at first, grabbing at the surroundings for specifics, only to move on to the face of Jeff Hardy. And crave up a smile onto his.
Jealous? Was I jealous? Is that even a question? Of course I was. I've always been jealous. Matt loved Jeff more than I could ever hope or want or need. Hell...right now I'm thinking he loves Jeff more than I love him. And if that's the case,
What kind of a chance do I have?
I was damn jealous of Jeff Hardy alright. But never once did I ever want to be him, because beneath all the fluffiness and prettiness of their relationship laid a small lie. It was the base of the crack that spread between them and eventually served to break them apart. A crack that came in the form of a secret one man kept and the other - secretly - knew.
I knew why Matt felt obligated to Jeff. I knew why he loved Jeff. And I knew that his reasons held no merit on their own.
Jeff Hardy was a farce. An illusion. A vagary of perception. He was a construct in Matt Hardy's mind - sort of like the kind I think of when I'm trying to come up with the essence of music - that was built around a fabricated piece of ideology.
In other words, Jeff Hardy was not what Matt Hardy thought him to be. And I knew that. At the hospital I never told Matt the truth. Why...I don't know to this day. However, I can't say the same about a week ago. A week ago didn't happen at that hospital with Jeff on death's door. It happened at Matt Hardy's home. It happened when I finally decided to drive a stake through Jeff's black heart.
Summary: Matt was sitting on his couch. Not causally. Rather he had lost all sense of balance and collasped without discretion. Luckily, his couch was right there to catch him because I was too far away to even try.
Jeff was standing ahead of him. He looked genuinely panicked. Frightened by what just came to life. The lie that he had built himself and Matt upon had finally cracked through and shattered their "perfect world".
Me. I was standing at the door. It had an automatic swing so when it opened it closed. So the door was closed behind me. I was just standing there feeling the raw effects of what had just transpired finally reach me. It took as long as those mistakes my teacher used to talk about. But when it reached, it hit hard. And here I was. Standing at Matt's closed front door with my face twisted in anger, my body titled forward as if set to sprint immediately, and my once vocal voice, now silenced, as it drowned in the empty pits of my stomach.
At long last, I had told Matt what he had to hear. What Jeff wanted to forget. What I needed to say.
"You lied to me?" Matt asked after what seemed to be an eternity set in stone. His eyes were looking at the ground, but his voice was pinning on Jeff. "You...lied to me?" He repeated as though he were asking himself.
Jeff answered softly. "Matt..." He looked to me with sadness in his eyes. I looked to him void of mercy. His eyes swung back to Matt. "I never..." He stopped. "I never meant for this to happen."
"But... you lied to me." Matt now stated as he looked up at Jeff. The expression on his face...as a musician...can't even be put into words. If a piano were being played right now to describe it, the first key would be the soft hum of the A major. "You said..." He searched the air ahead for words before re-focusing on Jeff. "You said I was your first."
As if set on springs, Jeff slid knees-first towards Matt and placed both hands onto the man's knees. His face pleading. His voice begging. It resembled -to me- the sound of nails on a chalkboard. The kind of sound that makes your whole being cringe in agony and hate.
"Matt" He started through the tears. "Matty, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't" He stopped. Gathered. Continued. "I just couldn't let you find out. I didn't want you to find out. Please, please forgive me." He sobbed a bit. Matt just continued to stare ahead. Not even recognizing the fact that his brother was now on his knees begging for something I don't think he's worthy of.
But who was I to say that? To think that? Who the hell was I to tell Matt about my first meeting with Jeff Hardy? Who was I to break up the lie that Jeff had built his house upon?
Well...I was simply Adam Copeland. And I was in love with the man that Jeff tried to poison. And kill.
"Matty, please" He had started talking again. "Please forgive me. I'm so sorry" He brought his forehead onto Matt's bent knee. "I'm so sorry." He squeezed the words through a whimper. "I'm so sorry."
This.
All I could think at that moment was one single thing: This was the relationship that I have envied for so long.
This was what I wanted. To mean to Matt as much as Jeff meant to Matt.
And now...now what did he mean to him? What does Jeff Hardy still mean to Matt Hardy?
I don't know. I still don't know.
Matt sat there, on that couch, for more minutes than I have left to speak here. He simply continued to stare ahead but both Jeff and I knew that he wasn't looking at the wall of his kitchen. He was looking to places in the past. A past that was once bright, but slowly - and painfully - it was being stained with a bottomless color of black.
Jeff soon got up. At first he just backed away slowly. And then his pace quickened and before he knew it, he had reached my unforgiving stare. His blue eyes locked wildly with mine. I could sense a small rage building rapidly beneath them, however it didn't amount to anything. Jeff simply by-passed my blockade of a body and flung open the door, and did what he was best at.
He ran away. And left behind a broken brother. And a consequenced man.
Yeah. So that's why I'm in such a rush okay. I haven't spoken to Matt...hell I haven't spoken to anyone since that day. In the latter parts of that incident, Matt finally came to when I went over to console him. But like always, he wasn't interested in seeing me - the one who stood by him all this time - but rather he was more interested in chasing a ghost. In finding Jeff Hardy. So he got up, and he left.
And shortly afterwards, so did I.
Damn it. This wasn't supposed to be so long, but my hand's been forced. I can't help it. When it comes to Matt, I could fill a book.
Maybe ten.
Twenty even. But does that seriously matter?
Whatever.
Look, this is the end okay. There's nothing more to hear here alright. I left. And now I'm holing myself up in my apartment waiting for the damn movers to get here already.
Randy came by once. How ironic...I know...but I didn't let him in. I just continued to knock away at the keys of my piano. For some reason I've been unable to play it properly because every time I touch a key or strike a melody, my heart...right here...hurts. It hurts a lot.
But anyways, Randy came by. Oh. I already said that? Well, nothing special happened. He just came by, told me to get over myself, then told me that he and gang missed me. And then left.
How long do I plan to stay here like this? How would I know? Why would you-?
Hold on. Someone's at the door. If it's Chris I might feel more willing to open the door lest he break it down.
"Hello?" I think my voice could use some water. "Who is it?"
"Adam?" The voice stops me just one step shy of the door. "Adam it's Matt. Open up."
/Shit!/ If this is panic then I'm panicking hard right now. /Shit!/ "Uh...Matt." Trying to sound calm during the storm of a panic never really works does it? "H-How...um...w-what are you doing h-here?"
"I heard you were planning to move." I can clearly hear him sigh on the other side. "I came by to apologize."
"A-Apologize?" Am I seriously going to keep stuttering? "Why are you-?"
"I'm sorry it took me so long to come by and...speak to you face to um..." I opened the door to see him standing there, barely eyeballing me with that shy expression on his face. His hair is caught up roughly into a ponytail - it looks shorter than the last time I saw it - and his dress-wear oozes of casual. This was the Matt Hardy I knew. And this was the Matt Hardy I loved.
Love. Still love.
"Matt" I exhale steadily. "I'm sorry I snapped like that. I just couldn't stand..." Wow. Seven days of be at peace and all I have to do is look at Matt Hardy and think of Jeff at the same time to lose the cool I thought I had found. "I just couldn't let you continue on in that downward spiral of blame and guilt when I knew for a fact that Jeff-" Matt's expression brightens a bit just to the sound of Jeff's name. "Matt you..." I swallow a few choice words "Do you still love him?"
It hurts to ask, but what else was I going to say? Matt obviously still cares for Jeff. I lost this game. And good losers don't whine about losing.
"I" Matt looks away a bit to gather his thoughts before bringing those deep, gorgeous eyes back to me. "I don't know." He states solemnly. It makes me regret asking in the first place. "I don't think I'll ever really know. I mean, if I do, then it'd be because of his lies. But if I don't..." He pauses for a while. "then it'll be because of you."
"Because of me?" Was he blaming me now? I deserved it, that much is true, but if he really was...could I ever take it?
"Yeah." He states offhandedly. "I thought about it Adam. I thought about it really hard. I don't understand love. In my mind it's always going to be affixed with the word "obligation". It's always going to be a means of trade and barter. It's never going to mean to me what it means to Jeff. Or you." Yeah. You guessed it. My heart stopped. "So...even though I've spent my entire life fixated on Jeff...even though I've been ignoring you all this time...I just came by to ask you one thing."
"W-What's that?" Damn the stuttering is back!
"Are you still willing to be in love with me, even if I can't trust myself to feel the same?"
/For how long?/
That's the only thing that crossed my mind. For how long have I been in love with Matt Hardy? Years now. Over a decade if I truly think about it. I mean, ever since March 16th, I've been madly in love with the guy named Matt Hardy. It would just take me till now to finally realize that.
So... since that's the case then
"Yes" is my answer.