The Most Life Changing Thing
Reid and Prentiss
Chapter Eighteen
January 2011
Why? That was what Reid wanted to know most in the moments after hearing she had felt it necessary to keep it a secret that she went to a fertility clinic for artificial insemination.
"Why, Emily? Why do you feel like you have to bear everything alone? You don't. You have friends and family, loved ones...you have me." He stepped closer to her and put his hands on her arms. "Don't you know that by now? Haven't I shown you I love you? Don't you want me anymore? Did you...did you fall out of love with me already?"
Her words were broken, spoken through tears she tried to hold back, when she said "I want to be with you, Reid, but I just don't know if its fair to ask you to take on a pregnant girlfriend who will soon be a mother. You didn't decide to go to that fertility clinic. I did that all on my own. You shouldn't feel obligated."
"You think you're too much of an obligation to me? The moment I first decided to say aloud that I love you is when I decided to take on any challenge that I had to in order to be the man in your life. You are not a burden, Emily, not ever. You are my love. When I thought we had created a child together...everything I thought I would never have...I was so happy and excited to share all of that with you. If you would have told me that you were thinking about artificial insemination, I would have supported you. I totally get why you didn't want us to make a child, we just started dating. You were not sure then if we were going to stay together. I'm not offended that you went somewhere else to make a child. It was your decision, your body, and if I was you I wouldn't make a child with me either, not with these circumstances."
"Please don't talk that way. Going to the clinic never had a thing to do with how I feel about you. It wasn't choosing someone else to father my child over you. I didn't think you would want a child with me."
"You didn't ask either but its okay. I understand, Emily. This isn't about my feelings, anyway, its about the fact that you're pregnant and I just want to know...are you going to keep dating me and let me take on this with you or not? Have you written me off already because to you I'm just not up for all this is going to take? If that is how you feel, then please be honest and I'll gather my things and go. Don't lie to protect my feelings because if I lay in bed next to you ever again I don't want lies between us anymore. I'd rather just leave now, knowing my good friend Emily showed me enough respect to say the truth."
"I don't want to force a child into your life. A child should be loved, cherished, adored, planned for, created because the time is right. Otherwise, they feel it. They know. Like I knew my mother had insisted to my father they have kids, when he never wanted them, and though he would never let it show...I could feel it. And when my aunt finally let the truth slip it was a relief to know it wasn't me that made him cold...it was that he never had really wanted to have a child in the first place. You should really want a child, before you are stuck around one day and night. I don't want to make you feel stuck just cause I decided to become a mother."
"This is why you said we could only be short term, right? You were thinking of this way back then, weren't you?"
"I was more than thinking about it, Reid. I knew I was pregnant when we had that conversation. I found out the day after we first slept together."
His eyes widened. "You're that far along? This whole time...this whole time you've been pregnant? We weren't dating when you went to the clinic?"
"I went there for the first time last summer. I turned forty in October and it felt like...I felt out of time. I couldn't wait any longer for a relationship to happen so I could make a child with the man I love. I didn't have that kind of time left...That night when you came to my hotel room, when I kissed you, I suspected I could be pregnant...I knew the timing was bad...I have no excuses for you...I just saw my chance to be with someone I already had feelings for...I wanted to feel like you wanted me back, if only for that night, Reid...so I went for it. And then I tried to tell you it wouldn't last...I tried to keep things light...but I fell in love with you. I know I should have told you I'm pregnant. It just seemed like something that would mess up everything. We were having fun. Pregnancy isn't fun...Its scary and life changing and how can I ask you to go through all this just cause I wanted a child? You didn't agree to any of this ahead of time."
"So you've already made up your mind to do this all on your own? Typical Emily Prentiss, won't let anyone close enough to help her, no matter what the cost."
"I'm thinking about you, your future, your happiness."
"My happiness? No, I don't think so! You're doing what you always do- running from messy feelings, from long term. You don't do long term with anyone so why would you want me involved in your child's life? When I'm just someone who will feel burdened by you and your baby, right? If not now then one day. Of course I will. Everyone eventually turns on you so why think I'd be different or worth letting into your child's life?"
"Of course I want you with me and in my baby's life! I just don't want you feeling like you are a bad person if my being pregnant is too much for you or feel like that means you don't love me. Reid, I know you love me. I know you are a good guy who would stand by me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that its too much for you. I love you and I've loved our time together but if its over then lets end this as friends. Lets be kind to each other."
"I don't believe you want me with you or part of your kid's life. You're saying anything you can think of to not say the truth. Saying you know its not want I asked for or expected so I can feel free to exit out the first door I can find. That's just your way to say that short term is over and you want to raise your baby on your own. I'm not wanted or needed in any of that". Reid grabbed his coat, keys and cell and headed for the door. He was angrily put on his shoes while saying "If that is the way you want it, then who am I to fight you on it? Fight for us? Why bother? You never gave us any chance to last in the first place! You wrote me off from the start and now I might as well prove you right."
"You're right. I never expected you to want to date a pregnant woman or help me raise my baby."
"Why?" he asked, pain filling his every word. "Is it because in the past I wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea of having a kid of my own? I wasn't decided yet. I just wasn't sure I could risk giving my child a gene for schizophrenia. I didn't say I don't plan to have kids because I hate children, hate the idea of being responsible to a child or that I'm repulsed by the idea of the woman I love being pregnant. Give me some credit. Stop making me pay for things men in your past did to you! I don't know all you went through but I do understand you have pain inside that you've never let show and you keep yourself at a distance from people to protect your secrets...yourself from getting betrayed again...but I AM NOT THEM! When you look at me don't you see how much I love you? I would do anything for you! I want to spend my life with you! If you would have wanted me...I would have loved you through this pregnancy, raising your child...through as many years as you let me. I would have...but you just can't risk giving me that kind of chance to hurt you, can you? You are protecting yourself and your child from me. From the idea that I'd leave some day. You don't do long term cause you think no one would want you for the long term, not once they really know you." He walked back over to her and repeated words she had said to him before "I really know you and I want you. I love you." Staring at her tear stained face he said "But if you don't want to trust that or me, then I can't make you."
He left her apartment while she stood there, speechless and numb, listening to the soft click of the door and then the silence, where there had been noise, life, Reid just seconds before.