Disclaimer: Although no one on this website owns anything, and I don't see why we have to do this… very well. I don't own the characters, etc.

As the author, I must suggest you find a way to download or listen to Oingo Boingo's "Little Girls". If you do not have normal downloading capabilities, try this:

http://search.singingfish. com/sfw/search?asubmit1&aw1&sfora&dur3&fmp31&freal1&favi1&fmpeg1&fwin1&fqt1&fflash1&call1&cmus1&cmov1&crad1&coth1&ctv1&cnews1&cspt1&cfin1&rpp20&persist1&exp0&queryOingo+Boingo

Just delete the space between the '.' and 'com/etcetc', plug it in and pick the Little Girls song.

PS, don't turn me in for writing a web address. It's just a story enhancement.

And now for round two, where readers will learn where the seemingly unrelated title of the story comes from.

Previously:

Snape slams the door and goes about preparing Hermione's potion for their super secret forbidden rendezvous in the teenager's bedroom.

Anyway:

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THE NEXT MORNING

Hermione walks down to the Great Hall for breakfast. When she arrives the sits down between her bestest friends Harry and Ron.

She sits down and spoons herself some eggs and grabs a piece of toast. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Ron making strange movements, and turns to him.

Hermione: Ron? Are you sick?

(Ron appears to be gagging but shakes his head no)

Harry: Ron's finally figured out that trick snakes do where they unhinge their jaws to swallow food whole.

(Ron's jawbone pops loose, to Hermione's and the general public's disgust, and Ron grabs the plate of ham and slides the food into his mouth. He slowly works it down. Without chewing)

Hermione: (mischievously) Do you think you could teach me that, Ron?

(Ron and Harry turn to look at her, surprised)

Ron: Hermione, you don't eat that much. Why would you want to learn?

Hermione: (panicking) I LOVE LEARNING! YOU WILL HELP ME OR I WILL BREAK YOUR NECKS!

Harry: (understanding) Oh, okay. That sounds more like her. Why question it? For that matter, why question why she disappears almost every night. And why she keeps showing up on the map as being in Snape's room during those times. And why if she's not there, Snape's in the Head Girl's rooms. And why-

(Snape swoops down and smashes him in the head with a steel breakfast tray. Harry slumps over the table, bleeding slightly. Snape looks around him and notices the entire student population staring at him in horror)

Snape: He... was reaching for a wand... Voldemort... and... he said he raped Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: (curious) Really?

Snape: You know you can trust me, baaaby. Come on.

Dumbledore: If I can trust you then why did y-

Snape: Shh shh. Later.

(Snape looks down at Hermione)

Snape: You too.

(Harry starts to stir on the table. With a groan, Harry reaches back to feel his head wound)

Harry: What happened? Who hit me?

Snape: (pauses) Voldemort.

Harry: (flings a hand to the ceiling and throws his head back) Daaaamn you Voldemort!!! I will have my revenge!

Snape: (flinches at Harry's screams) On second thought. It was him. (Points at Draco Malfoy, three tables down)

Malfoy: (sighs, exasperated) Sir, that would make it the 17th time. This month.

Snape: And yet he continues to recover...

Harry: What do you mean, 17th time?

Snape: Oh yes. Draco assaults you almost daily.

Harry: Of course... it all makes sense now...

Hermione and Ron: Oh Jesus. Not this again.

Harry: Malfoy, his father, Voldemort, and the rest of the Death Eaters dressed up as that ghost on Mr. Pembly's farm in order to scare away visitors while they continued searching for the gold rumored to be there. They used cheap video projectors to make everyone THINK that the ghost attacked everyone. All of this, of course, has its connections to Malfoy being an arrogant ferret prat-

(Malfoy smashes the tray on Harry's head, rendering him unconscious again)

Malfoy: 18, sir.

Snape: 20 points to Slytherin.

(silence)

Snape: (looks at Hermione and Ron) What, no comments? Protests?

Hermione: Actually, sir...

Ron: We're pretty tired of the constant 'revelations'. And Malfoy, you're actually at about 37 this month.

Hermione: No, no, 38. I got 'im last night.

Ron: Sorry. 38.

Snape: Last night?

Hermione: Yeah. After... um... detention.

Snape: Ah. Very well. By the way, detention at 7 o'clock. Dress formal.

(Hermione clears her throat)

Snape: Normal. Like you normally would.

(Snape turns and strides away, stumbling once on his obscenely long cape... robe, which trails ten feet behind him)

Hermione sighs.

Ron: What's with you?

Hermione: Such grace.

Ron: What are you talking about? Snape just tripped!

Hermione: No he didn't.

Ron: I just saw him!

Hermione: Look, FOOD!

(Ron whips around to the table, grabbing the dish filled with boiled eggs)

Hermione: I need to use the library.

(she gets up to leave)

Ron: (finishes swallowing) Be sure to wash your hands after.

Harry: (moans) What happened?

Ron: Malfoy gotcha.

Harry: (groans) Can we go plot somewhere?

Ron: (considers) Yeah. That makes sense. There's gotta be a plot. What kind of Harry Potter story would this be without a plot?

Harry: The usual kind.

Ron: True.

(Author slaps knee. Haaa, no plot, get it?... ah I'm good at puns)

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(some time after)

(Snape is staring into his mirror, smiling and bouncing his head. The mirror shows "truth", which is extremely entertaining and yet unashamedly contrived)

Mirror Snape: (singing to Oingo Boingo)

I, I, I, love little girls they make me feel so good.

I love little girls they make me feel so bad.

When they're around they make me feel like I'm the only guy in town.

I love little girls they make me feel so good.

(Mirror Snape is dancing around gleefully, bustin' out those 80s dance moves)

They don't care about my one-way mirror

They're not frightened by my cold exterior

They don't ask me questions

They dont want to scold me

They don't look for answers

They just want to hold me

(Snape does the milkshake)

Isn't this fun? Isn't this what life's all about?

Isn't this a dream come true?

Isn't this a nightmare toooooo!?

I, I, I, love little girls they make me feel so good.

I love little girls they make me feel so bad.

When they're around the make me feel like I'm the only guy in town.

I love little girls they make me feel so good.

(Snape does the hand jive)

They don't care about my inclinations

They're not frightened by my revelations.

Uh, oh, take a second take.

Uh, oh, it's a mistake.

Uh, oh, I'm in trouble,

Uh, oh, the little girl is just too little too little too little too little too little!

Mirror Snape: (panting) Can I please be finished now?

Snape: Keep dancin', bitch.

Snape's reflection tries (rather pathetically) to continue. 4 hours of continuous dancing and singing is enough to exhaust even the most non-corporeal of us. Its eyes water, lower lip trembles, and its voice wavers as it wearily lifts its feet to get back into the song, false merriment now completely gone.

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Thank you to everyone who reviewed chapter 1. Please, let me know if this is worthy of continuation.

Oorah, motivated self-deprecation.

Oh, and thanks Spaci.

-Vilest of Worms