Harry and Ron are sitting in their room after dinner. They have been thinking for hours now. Well, really only a total of 30 minutes, as they were distracted (understandably) by a shiny coin on the nightstand. Another student... we'll say... Neville, sat in a chair watching the boys first in confusion, comprehension, mild amusement, extreme amusement, confusion again, anger, and finally disgust. Once in catharsis, Neville did them a favor by removing the coin from the room and thus removing the object of distraction.
After some time, Harry and Ron decide that the best plot is one that will annoy Snape, hopefully harrassing him to beyond madness.
Harry: So what do we do first?
Ron: I dunno. What do you wanna do first?
Harry: I dunno. We could... um....
Ron: Throw... something?
Harry: No. He's had that shield thingamajig since last month when we threw fist-sized rocks at him everytime he turned his back.
Ron: Oh yeah... We could... stab him?
Harry: That sounds good. You got somethin' pointy?
Ron: Nah. Mum cast a spell to prevent me from "handling weapons with malicious intent" ever since Snape's angry letter about the knife we got 'im with.
Harry: (laughing) Haha. Oh yeah. Wasn't he in the hospital wing for a week with that stab wound? We sure got him good with that one.
Ron: (suddenly quiet) Do you ever wonder how come we keep getting away with this stuff?
Harry: Dumbledore says it's good 'cause it keeps him on his toes, wondering whether or not we're going to make another attempt on his life that day.
Ron: So... we're actually... helping?
Harry: I guess so.
Ron: Ah good. How 'bout poison?
Harry: Done it.
Ron: Use the invisibility cloak to sneak up on him and push him down the stairs?
Harry: We did that twice this week already.
Ron: Explosion?
Harry: Oh come on. We do that every day and it's yet to put him in the hospital for more than a few hours.
Ron: I think I've got something.
Snape is walking/striding through the halls between classes. His recently developed sixth sense for detecting imminent Potter-Weasley assaults is ringing.
Snape (thinking): Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Where are they? Fuck! FUCK!
Harry appears at the end of the hall.
Snape stops and the two stare at each other like the enemies they are.
Which is when Ron tackles him from behind, knocking Snape to the floor. Snape immediately tries to regain his feet but Ron does his best to entangle himself with Snape. Finally Snape manages to crawl on his back away from Ron and just when he is about to stand and deliver his most scathing lecture Harry tags him with the tazer.
Snape does an impression of a seizure victim for a few moments while Harry holds the tazer to his leg.
Finally Harry lets up.
Snape: Oh god. How the hell did you manage to get a tazer??
Harry: Magic.
Ron: And bribery.
Harry: Probably more bribery than magic, actually.
Ron pulls out a taser from his robe pocket.
Ron: (zaps Snape) That's for being mean.
Harry: (zap) That's for making fun of us.
Snape: (between shocks) OKAY! My bad, alright?
Ron: (zaps Snape) That's for being ugly.
Snape: (panting) That's not even a reason!
Harry: (zap) What?... (zap) What do we saaaay?
Snape: (panting harder) Alright, alright... I'm sorry?
Ron: (zap zap) And a suck-up.
Snape: You bastards.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Dumbledore strolls down the corridors on the way to retrieve Snape's unconcious body from the public eye. He soon finds and levitates Snape. As they continue to the hospital wing at a leisurely pace, Snape wakes up.
Snape: (opens the not-singed-closed eye) If you want me dead I'd appreciate you just coming out and saying so.
Dumbledore: Where would the fun in that be?
Snape sees there is a mousetrap dangling from Dumbledore's beard.
Snape: That's just wonderful. Good job. You DO know you look ridiculous? You could at least have the decency to remove the trap.
Dumbledore: A man with a several penises drawn on his face has no right to call me ridiculous.
Snape's shoulders shake with repressed sobs. Insult and injury. He should've seen that one coming.
Snape: (in a strangled whisper) Kill.... me....
Dumbledore: Hahahaha. No.
Snape grimaces in more pain
Snape: Dumbledore, Voldemort's calling me. Put me down.
Dumbledore releases him.
Dumbledore: Looks like you don't have time to wash your face, too. That should be fun.
Snape appears in the center of the woods. It is cold, so he immediately begins shivering in his robes and mask. He walks to the bonfire roaring warmly. Looking around, he can see he's only apparated about a quarter mile from Hogwarts itself.
Snape: Brilliant. I just know tomorrow he's going to be throwing rocks at the windows of the school in the name of purebloods everywhere.
Voldemort: Ssssnape. Come forward.
Snape moves to the middle of the circle and kneels.
Voldemort: Sssnape. Remind me, wretch, what does the prophecy say will be my undoing?
Snape: Mphhmrmrhm "something the Lord knows not" something something.
Voldemort: Ahhh, yes. Have you done any research on the mphhmrmrhm part?
Snape: Uh, yes, Lord. Nothing yet. Sorry.
Voldemort: Crucio.
Snape looks around. Several deatheaters are waving their hands in a "come on, come on, play along" fashion, so Snape rolls his eyes, and then begins dramatically flopping around in apparent agony.
Voldemort: UNcrucio.
Snape sighs in the mud. He rolls onto his stomach and crawls to Voldemort's feet.
Snape: So sorry, my Lord. Please forgive my incompetence.
Voldemort: EEENOUGH! I have done my own research. By hiding in books, I have discovered that the way Potter will destroy me is with........................ LOVE!
(Deatheaters flinch)
Snape: Ah yes, Lord, very intriguing.... ah, how exactly will love destroy you?
Voldemort: I do not wish to knowwwww... However, I must not let love be my weakness. Snape?
Snape: (glances about) Yes my Lord?
Voldemort: I love you.
Snape: (silent)
Voldemort: I love you Severus Snape. With all my heart.
Snape: I'm, um, flattered.
Voldemort: And we shall live happily ever after?
Snape: Sure. Why not. I'm really blanking on a way to respond to you right now.
Voldemort: Never mind that, my love. Come with me!
(Voldemort whirls around and floats away majestically, Snape trudging behind to the poorly-stifled snickers of the other Deatheaters)
Snape: Um, my Lord?
Voldemort: You're going to have to come up with a better nickname than that, love. Something.... cute.
Snape: Yes... dear. I have a quick question, while we're roaming about in the shade of Hogwarts. Why in God's name do we gather here, of all places? Don't your two arch-nemeses live about 500 yards that way? What kind of sense does that make?
Voldemort: I dunno. You know, that wasn't very funny, lovey, isn't this a parody?
Snape: And a general lambast.
Voldemort: Ah, this is why we're doing so well so far, isn't it, dearest?
Snape: Don't give up on us yet.
Voldemort: Snape?
Snape: Yes, my lord.
Voldemort: Hold my hand please.
Snape: (to himself) God give me strength.