Chapter 4
Note: Just for funsies. No $. Blah, blah, blah enjoy. Why do I have to say that? Does anyone actually think there's some lawyer adding up fines for copyright infringement, planning on suing everyone who uses these names? Strange.
In which we propose a humorous alternative to the "timeturner-makes-everything-wonderful" idea, or in literary terms: deus ex machina. Wiki that shit.
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Snape is at the sink in his bathroom, furiously scrubbing his face, pausing only to alternately chug from a bottle of liquor and a potion which eases paranoia.
Snape: Oh sure this would go far quicker if I just used magic to get rid of their 'art', but then Snape would not have learned his lesson, would he? Noo. The more painful getting this shite off my face is, the more inclined I will be to prevent this in the future.
(There is a knock on his door)
Snape: GO. AWAY.
(The door opens, revealing a now 30-something Hermione, grinning)
Hermione: Look! I'm legal now! Thanks to time-turning we don't have to worry about someone thinking you're a little creepy for wanting me!
Snape: And thus ends my super-secret-forbidden-affair. You can go now.
Hermione: What? Why?
Snape: You're too old for me.
Hermione: (Closes her eyes and sighs) You've got to be kidding.
Snape: No. You're practically a hag.
Hermione: I'm still not even your age!
Snape: I am extremely hag-ish. Thank you for bringing it up. Now if you don't mind I'm going to stir a cauldron and coo lovingly at it, wishing longingly for my former youth and beauty.
Hermione: UGH! Wait- beauty?
(Snape looks up, curious)
Snape: Yes. Beauty. Everyone's pretty when they're young.
Hermione: I'm beginning to see some of the reasoning behind this relationship.
Snape: Would you like some free skin-rejuvenating creams? I make them, as well as every other contrived potion necessary to further an otherwise unachievable plot.
Hermione: No.. thank you. On the other hand, I would love some private tutoring if you're interested...
Snape: There shall be no more tutoring of privates! I can see a wrinkle on your withering brow. Be gone, crone!
Hermione: Yes, yes, I get it, I get it. I suppose it IS about time for some Potter-wrangling. Ah, speaking of which, keep an eye out for the Harry and Ron duplicates.
(Hermione leaves, leaving Snape to glare, yes, glare at the empty room)
Snape: ...duplicates?
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(Later)
Snape walks along the corridors, face bright red from scrubbing it raw. Without warning (who? The audience? I never understood that...) he jumps into a darkened alcove milliseconds before Potter and Weasley turn the corner, eating and leaving a trail of crumbs and detritus in their wake.
Harry: Seriously... what's taking so long? This sort of behavior is supposed to set off the teachers' internal student-mischief-alarm.
Ron: It's odd we haven't seen a single one. It's like no one wants to take responsibility for dealing with us.
Harry: I'm starting to think that's been the case all along.
Snape watches with horror and a certain amount of awe for the sheer brazen rule-breaking they are accomplishing- being out long after hours, eating in the hallways, and Snape is quite sure they were in possession of some sort of contraband.
As the two pass the alcove Snape hesitates for a moment and fights every instinct within him to launch into a severe A-HA moment. After a second, he realizes this is a trap. For ONCE, he had figured out the plot before getting sent to a hospital!
(Snape startles as a horrified scream resounds down the hallway. )
McGonagall: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU THROWING TRASH EVERYWHERE?
Harry: Eatin' tasty snacks. And… sort of… spreading them around.
McGonagall: What? What does that mean?
Ron: Lookin' for the door to the common room, sir.
(McGonagall almost reacts, but realizes the futility. At least he was trying.)
McGonagall: (sighs) Oh for the love of God.
(She stares down the hallway and sees a slightly darker shadow within the alcove.)
McGonagall: 10 points from Slytherin for hiding from children, SEVERUS!
(Harry and Ron turn around and curse)
Harry: Damn. I thought we'd get him this time.
(Snape regally swirls out of the alcove and sweeps away without responding)
McGonagall: And now I shall deal with you little recidivists.
(She grabs them by their ears and drags them towards her office)
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(Meanwhile)
As Snape returns to his own business, he has the disturbing sensation of discovering new memories, as though something had just reminded him of his past.
With dismay, he realizes Hermione has taken it upon herself to travel into his past and has now just introduced herself as a cleverly disguised: Merhione Granger.
Snape: Noo! Get out of my head!
(The memory continues to spawn, and he 'remembers' Granger glancing around nervously)
Merhione: This is going to sound weird, Young Severus, but...
(Snape grimaces in the present... Young Severus?... That's how discreet she's going to be? He begins clutching his temples and running quickly towards the infirmary)
Merhione: I'm hiding a mysterious secret which you'll learn only afterwe bump uglies.
Snape-in-the-present: Please no! You're still too old for me!
(Snape decides to end the torture and runs head first into the wall outside the infirmary, knocking himself out cold. Which is when Harry 2 and Ron 2 round the corner...)
...TO BE... etc.
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Alright, so it's been a little while. Here's the thing: I was re-reading reviews for the old ego boost and I -no shit- got to thinking about some more ideas. My co-conspirator Spaci has been helping me bounce 'em around… makin' em crazier. Honestly, most of my time is spent trying to figure out a palatable way to use them but hopefully they'll come along soon. Anyway, this is kind of a warm-up for me. Please review... see what good it does?
-Vilest of Worms
P.S. Oh yeah… thanks, Spaci. And you owe me a coffee next weekend for beating you to the publishing.