Gerard took a deep breath before opening the door to the apartment. He steadied himself and pulled the door open, groceries balanced expertly in hand.
"Frankie I'm back!" He shouted cheerfully.
Frank turned to look at Gerard from his reclined position on the couch. His hair was still damp from the shower, and his clothes clung to his body in a slightly uncomfortable way. He had dressed in a hurry to ensure he was fully clothed before Gerard came home from... grocery shopping, apparently. His head hurt from being bombarded with rapidly shifting polar opposite temperatures of water, but he managed to crack a faint smile.
"Hey!" He called out, in what he hoped was a cheery manner. He eyed the bags in Gerard's hands, standing up from the couch.
"Is that... " he paused over-dramatically, "FOOD?"
Gerard laughed at the desperate look on Frank's face, "Yeah, I figured you would be a little food deprived. And I know how you get when you don't have your food. I got you a special treat, too." He said, pulling out the vegan bacon he had gone through hell to get.
Franks eye's widened. He adored bacon. He let loose a battle cry and ran and snatched the package out of Gerard's hand. It was probably the fastest he had moved all week. Plastic in hand, he ran into the kitchen, tearing it apart with his teeth. Holding the ripped container in his mouth, he dug in the cupboard beside the stove for a frying pan. He placed the pan on the stove, turning the heat up far higher than was necessary to heat the pan as quickly as possible. He threw the thick pink soy strips into the pan a minute later, and was rewarded by a gentle sizzling.
He began humming to himself. Slowly this humming became words in his mind. Before he knew it, he found himself singing a painfully unoriginal song about bacon.
"God daaaaaaaaamn, I love baconnnnnnnnnnn."
He looked over at Gee who seemed cheerfully amused by Franks declaration of love to the bacon.Frank grinned to himself.
"Baconnnnnn motherfuckerrrrrrrr"
At this point, Frank was laughing too hard to even consider continuing his top-40 material song.
Gerard laughed at the plain hilarity of Frank's love song to bacon. He felt kind of bad for depriving him of food while he'd been here. "I've really been neglecting you, haven't I?"
Frank half yelled in response "I have destructive boredom, okay?" He huffed dramatically and put on his best pathetic puppy dog face "It's not my fault." He turned back to the stove, flipping the bacon in the pan.
Gerard walked into the kitchen and started unloading the food. He pulled out a box of Scooby Doo fruit snacks from one of the plastic bags, "I got fruit snacks as well. Want some while you're waiting for your precious bacon to cook?"
Frank whirled around, staring in mock suspicion. Of course Gerard knew all of his favorite foods, but to buy them all at once?
"Why the sudden onslaught of deliciousness?" he asked teasingly.
Gerard ripped open the box and dangled a bag of the gummies in front of Frank's face, "no strings attached, I promise."
Frank grabbed for the package in Gerard's hand just as Gerard pulled it away, just out of his reach.
"HEY!" Frank yelled, half surprised, half playfully frustrated. "NOT FAIR!"
Gerard laughed and climbed onto the nearest chair, dangling the bag above Frank's head, playing on his shortness.
Frank plopped to the floor in mock defeat and narrowed his eyes. He crossed his arms like a frustrated toddler.
"I'm counting to three," he warned.
Gerard raised his eyebrows at Frank, amused that he was making threats, not expecting him to do anything at all.
"one..." He knew Gerard wouldn't take him seriously.
"two..." He couldn't help the twinkle of mischief that crept into his eyes.
"THREE!" he yelled out.
Using as much force as he could muster, Frank kicked the legs of the chair Gee was standing on. His eyes widened with glee as the chair began to tip, Gerard's hands windmilling to attempt and preserve his balance. Frank started laughing the moment it became inevitable and undeniable that Gee would fall.
As Gerard hit the ground, a wave of playful anger hit him, "You do realize that that's MY bacon you're frying there and by the United States law I have a right to take it from you any time I like?" He said mock seriously.
Frank ran over to the stove, reaching his hand into the burning frying pan. He retrieved a piece of bacon and shoved it into his face, the hot faux-meat scalding the inside of his mouth. He chewed furiously and yelled some mumbled curses in the general direction of Gerard. He swallowed monstrously, the hot oil making his eyes water. He looked right at Gee.
"So HA!" he choked out, smugly grinning from ear to ear, pleased with his antics.
Gerard winced, surprised at how desperate Frank was for the bacon. "You're really that in need of food? You must have been distracted by my sexiness this whole time that you forgot to eat. I'm terribly sorry about that." Gerard laughed at himself, "but I really must remember to feed my guests in the future." He said more seriously.
Franks face fell slightly, having not received the round of applause he thought he well deserved. Though he couldn't bring himself to actually be anything like mad about it. He was too over the moon for that.
"Don't flatter yourself, I was food-deprived before I came!" he turned around in a slightly diva-esque manner.
He paused slightly. "Though I may have been slightly distracted, yeah."
Gerard grinned, "Understandable." He threw the bag of fruit snacks at Frank in a moment of sympathy, "I believe this is yours?"
Frank caught the fruit snacks and ripped them open in one fluid motion, still sitting on the floor.
"Thanks." He began separate the little rainbow gummies by color. He arranged them on the floor, though he had no idea how clean it was... or wasn't. He put the reds on the far left, progressing chromatically to purple on the far right.
Gerard laughed at the rearranging of gummies that was going on on his floor "You're an OCD little fucker, aren't you?"
Frank had began eating the gummies in reverse rainbow order, as was customary for him. He stopped, hand halfway to his mouth. He sat up and looked at Gerard in cold silence for a moment, then returned to eating in a half-hearted sort of manner. Of course Gee didn't know. He was stupid for showing it. He really only became process-oriented when he was upset over something. His... episode earlier had upset him. And now he was falling into relapse. First came the obsessive tendencies. Then the alcohol. Then the breakdown.
And here he was again.
Gerard frowned, startled at how genuinely hurt Frank seemed to be over the gummy bears, "I was kidding..." He said softly.
Frank ate in silence for a few moments, eating through the purples, blues, and greens. He ate the yellows, one by one.
"I know. You're hilarious."
Gerard's frown deepened, he didn't know why Frank was acting like this, and it bothered him. He crouched down, almost eye level with him.
"What's wrong." He didn't ask as much as he demanded an answer.
Frank looked up to meet Gerard's eyes. "It's just..." He sighed, cutting himself off. "I don't know." He was being deliberately vague. But he wished Gee would keep pressing him. He wanted to talk about it. But he knew he couldn't.
Gerard tilted Frank's face so that they made eye contact. "What's wrong?"
"Gerard, I...
He stared into those eyes. Those lovely hazel eyes. But hazel was dangerously close to green. A shiver passed nearly unnoticed through his body. He trusted Gerard with anything. He would trust him with his life. So why couldn't he trust him with this?
Because you know he won't want you after he knows. Nobody has ever wanted you after they've know. Frank tried to ignore that little voice in the back of his mind. He looked at those wide, trusting eyes and willed himself to somehow mirror that trust. But he couldn't risk the loss.
He gently turned his face, breaking his chin away from Gerard's hand. He would tell him. Just not yet. He wasn't ready to talk about it yet. But he would. After all- he took a slow breath- he loved Gerard.
"I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Bullshit." As soon as Gerard said it, he tried to take it back, grab it out of the air and put it back in his body. He was angry and he didn't know why. He was confused. He was hurt. He didn't know why Frank wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He said he loved him, didn't he want him in his life as much as Gerard did?
Frank bristled at the apparent harshness of Gerard's voice. He looked away. Here he was, about to tell the person he cared about most what he hated most about himself. The past he loathed, the touches that had burned across his skin like fire. The constant state of fear, the threats of being locked away in a closet in the basement if he told anyone, anyone at all. And he truly wanted to tell Gerard. But he couldn't just... speak. Not abruptly. He was haunted by his past. He was haunted by love. He hated every moment he wasted thinking about that boy, hated that he hadn't defended himself, or told some adult what was going on. He felt filthy, disgusting. But he loved Gerard so desperately. He wanted to talk. But he couldn't.
"You have no idea what you're even talking about."
Gerard stood up angrily. He was mad and he almost didn't know why. That was a lie, he knew perfectly well what was wrong. He was mad at Frank for not loving him enough to tell him. He was mad at himself for not being good enough. He was too mad. He needed to leave, to calm down.
"You're bacon is burning." He said harshly as he walked away.
Frank pressed his face into his hands, heels of his palms pushing against his eyelids. He pressed so hard that patters began to dance on the back of his eyes. He needed clarity.
"Bacon. Right."
Gerard felt like a toddler on temper tantrum. He felt like breaking something or hitting someone, but instead he drew. He dug his sketch book out from under the couch and let all his feelings pour into the ink. He let his head float away as his hand took out his anger onto the paper.
Frank stared out the window at the street three stories below. He watched the cars go past, cloaked in a gentle shroud of rain and mist. How appropriate, the weather mirrored the feeling in the room perfectly. Had he blown it? After such a brief, fleeting instant of possible peace and happiness and closure and love and...
He noticed his foot tapping, almost subconsciously. Another nervous habit. He began to tap in rhythm, deviating here and there with a few beats of syncopation. A few times his other foot joined in for emphasis. He found himself almost tap dancing.
Jesus, what was he doing? He felt a smile creeping it's way across his face. How had he been utterly forlorn and desolate a second ago, and now he was... dancing? He glanced through the door to of the kitchen to the living room, where Gerard sat hunched over a drawing. They had known each other long enough for Frank to recognize angry Gee when he saw him. He knew his annoying impromptu dance would get Gerard's attention. Maybe even a grudging laugh.
Oh god, he was fabulous at being annoying.
Gerard's ears processed the noise but the sound got lost somewhere on the way to his brain. He was vaguely aware that Frank was doing something but his head wouldn't let him turn to see what it was. He continued scratching the pen against the paper.
Frank saw that Gerard was deeply involved in his work. That was fine, he could try harder. He used his hands to tap out a melody to his discordant symphony, creating something that sounded somewhere between a Native American dance rhythm and Blue Man Group meets Metallica. He actually kind of liked it. Pretty soon, he was lost in the changing of beats and experiments with silence. He started playing with the tempo, accelerating and decelerating as he chose. It was much easier than guitar tempo changes. And there were no key changes to worry about.
Gerard's mind finally registered the noise coming from the kitchen. His eyebrow creased almost subconsciously but he didn't feel anything. The anger was almost gone, still a slightly gnawing presence in the back of his mind, but he wasn't annoyed or curious to see what was going on in his kitchen.
Frank pouted slightly. His usual style of flamboyant obnoxiousness was proving ineffective. He grabbed two spoons and began banging on various surfaces in the kitchen. The metal of the stove, the glass coffee pot, the wooden cabinets, the mugs that made different pitches. He was on fire! The music flowed out of him, expressing his feelings far better than any words could.
And he was using spoons.
Gerard got up, supposing that Frank wanted his attention or something of the like or else he wouldn't be making such a fucking racket. He walked to the kitchen door, leaning against the frame almost tiredly.
"Please don't break anything." He said in a slightly emotionless manner.
Frank twirled around, thrilled with the success of his musical arrangement in pulling Gerard from his angry mental hole. He sometimes had to work for hours.
"I won't!" He chirped, grinning. He threw a spoon, allowing to rotate several times in midair before catching it again. "You know me, I'm always careful."
"Yeah." He responded, tired of Frank's mood swings. "Well if that's all you wanted." He trailed off, turning to walk back into the living room.
Frank's eyes softened as he stared at Gerard's receding back.
"Gerard."
"Yes Frank?" He asked stiffly.
He drew a breath. "I'm sorry." There, he said it. He poured every emotion into those two words, begging Gerard to understand. he loved him, he really did. He wanted to tell him everything. He would tell him everything.
Gerard closed his eyes, letting out a soft sigh. "It's okay." He didn't really mean it. He wanted something more. He needed to know that Frank loved him. Because apparently he didn't trust him enough to tell him what was wrong.
"It clearly isn't."
"It's fine, Frank. You have your privacy, if you don't want me to know about whatever that was then..." He trailed off again, suddenly exhausted.
Frank grabbed Gerard's arm and roughly spun him around and forced him to meet his eyes.
"I want you to know. But once you know, you wont want me. You won't want me here, you won't want me in the band, you won't want to even speak to me. And I care about you far too much to let that happen. Call me selfish, but... I need you."
"If you think that I'd ever not want you, Frank, then you don't know me that well." Gerard said coarsely. He didn't know what this was about but he wanted it to be over, he wanted that blissful feeling he had back. Nothing Frank said could make Gerard love him less. He needed Frank to know that but he was almost too tired to talk. He was tired of playing games, of running in circles. He wondered why people couldn't just say how they felt and get it over with. He would have been annoyed if this sudden exahustion hadn't been pressing down on his mind.
Frank leaned his forehead against Gerard's chest, staring at the tiny space between their feet. "Gerard, what do you know of me before I was twelve years old?" He paused, but not long enough to illicit an answer. Because he knew the answer. "Nothing. There's a reason for that."
He buried his head under Gee's chin, resting his ear against the thin fabric of his t-shirt to hear his heartbeat. buries head under chin, resting ear to hear heartbeat
"i can't bear to lose this"
A tiny smile broke its way onto Gerard's face. He leaned his face down onto Frankie's head and wrapped his arms around his body. "You won't." He said this so clearly and strongly that it startled him.
"How can you say that? Knowing so little?" Franks voice was muffled against Gerard's warm, protective arms.
Gerard laughed quietly, amused that Frank though he could make him not love him.
"You can't scare me off, Frankie."
Gerard almost didn't catch Frank's faint whisper.
"But i could lose you."