Just Like Old Times by Hana-to-Mame
Chapter 1 - Reliving Old Memories (Posted July 24th 2010)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is sort of like a sequel to "Gene's Choice" (which is a sequel to "Getting Close"), but you do not have to read those to understand this story. Warning, this most definitely includes slash, so if you don't like that, don't read it. Pairings include prior Gene/Sam and Gene/Alex. A little OOC for Gene... but not too much... I think... anyway, please review and tell me what you think!
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Gene sat at his desk, his newer 80s desk in London, trying to think of what he'd done to deserve this.
He simply didn't know what to do. He thought he had a handle on things, but it seems he just can't get himself where he needs to be, for his city, and his team. Something horrible had happened, someone was playing a horrible game with him. Gene Hunt, the Guv, had been in love with his DI, Sam Tyler. And Sam had loved him. A lot. It was an awkward relationship, full of insults and regular beatings, but it was also full of pure love and beautiful sex and just everything Gene didn't even know he'd been missing out on before he had his Sammy.
He'd had Sam for a long time. They stayed together through everything. Well, almost everything.
Two years into the relationship, Gene had suddenly got cold feet about the whole thing, and pulled out. Sam was devastated. And, though neither of them knew it at the time, Gene was having a hard time dealing with it as well. He loved Sam, they both knew it, but he just couldn't take having to hide himself away. He hated having to pretend that they got that apartment together because Gene couldn't get a house on his own, and Sam needed a bigger place anyway. He loathed having to make sure both rooms appear occupied; he despised having to pretend every day that he hadn't shagged the living daylights out of Sam the night before. And most of all, he just couldn't stand the way Sam did it all effortlessly.
Sam had been completely understanding of Gene's need to keep their relationship a secret. He never tried to talk him into going on a date where anyone they knew might catch them. He never complained that they couldn't act like a real couple outside the confines of their apartment. Never said a word about having to pretend in his own home if they had guests. And that drove Gene mad. Sam was willing to take only what his Gene Genie was willing to give him. Sometimes he'd push for more, but he always knew the limits, and he didn't try to cross them.
But Gene had known that Sam had secretly been wishing that things could be different. It was eating away at Sam, and Gene could see it in his eyes, could hear it in his voice and smell it in his breath. Every day it got worse, but Sam never spoke a word about it, and that only made Gene love him more. That he would suffer just so he could make Gene happy, and it would make him happy in return. And Gene felt bad for being grateful for that. So he put a stop to it, right then and there. He couldn't stand hurting Sam, but knew his own personal convictions (no matter how selfish) would never allow him to be able to give Sam what he wanted.
So Sam had cried, as Gene had expected him to. And he desperately fought the urge to laugh, he didn't want Sam to think he was laughing at him. That would have only made it worse. But Sam didn't protest. It was as he'd said before, he'd do anything Gene asked him to, so when he asked him to leave, he packed his bags and went back to his old flat. And when Gene had told him never to bring it up again, he didn't. He was still a great cop, working closely with Gene like he always had. Nothing was different about him. Not even the pain Gene knew was there. Sam had still been hurting, even after Gene wasn't holding him back anymore.
Gene half expected Sam to try to talk to him about it. To ask if they could try again. But he never did. And Gene wasn't sure if was because his hold on Sam was so strong, he was unable to disobey his orders, or if he simply didn't want Gene back. So he didn't say anything either. He thought about talking to Sam when he heard he'd decline a date with Cartwright. But he'd resisted, to do what he thought was best for his Sammy.
Eventually, Sam did agree to date Annie, even left behind his stinky flat and moved in with her. And then they'd gotten engaged. Then married. That whole year was painful for the Guv, a whole new kind of pain that he'd never experienced. Sam and Annie lived as a happily married couple for two months before Gene couldn't stand to watch anymore.
One day they were discussing a case in Gene's office. Sam was rifling through files and papers, trying to find the evidence Gene needed to nail the criminal, when Gene had made a snap decision to reach out grab Sam's hand. Sam froze, not daring to look at the Guv. He didn't even respond as Gene curled his fingers a little tighter, feeling Sam's warm hand as much as he could. Sam didn't pull away, but neither did he reciprocate. Sam's own fingers had been rigid, not wanting to overstep the boundaries he'd set for himself.
"Sam," Gene said, not knowing what he planned on saying next.
Sam's body didn't move, but his eyes shifted upwards and slightly sideways, to look at Gene. "Yes?"
"Sam... I..." Gene sputtered. "Put the files down."
Sam dropped them immediately on the desk. That answered his one nagging question, whether Sam still considered him his puppet-master.
"Sam," Gene said quietly, "Turn around. Look at me." Of course, Sam did just what Gene told him to. "Could you... maybe... come a little closer?"
"Do you want me to?" Sam asked, eyes wide.
Gene hesitated a little, not sure how much was too much. He didn't want to break Sam. He'd done that enough times by now. No, he just wanted his Sammy back. Just wanted to comfort him, and maybe see the light come back to his eyes. "Yes." he finally answered.
Sam, not missing a beat, stepped forward as Gene wrapped his arms around him. "Guv, someone could walk in here any..."
Not particularly giving a shit at the moment who would walk in and catch them, he kissed Sam and kept on going until he felt Sam's arms around his back, hands in his hair. He wouldn't let up, determined to keep going until neither of them could breathe. And he did just that.
"Guv..."
"Sam," Gene said, holding Sam's delicate face in his strong hands, "can you ever forgive me?"
"What kind of 'forgive', Gene?"
"The kind where I say I'm sorry, and we go back to the way we were before my stupid head got messed up." Gene answered. "The kind where you come back to my apartment and never let me push you away again."
"I could if it were just me, Gene." Sam said with a sorry look. "But what about Annie? I can't just leave her..."
"Oh..." Gene said, realizing that maybe Sam really did love Annie and wanted to spend his life with her instead of Gene.
"I just don't want to hurt her. She's done a lot for me."
"So you don't..." Gene struggled to find the words. "You don't want... me... anymore?" Gene felt like the biggest, most hideous, worst-stinking pile of horse shit that ever did lay in the gutter. How could he expect Sam to just take him back like nothing had happened?
"Of course I want you. I haven't stopped..."
"Why did you never tell me how ridiculous I was being?" Gene asked. "Why did you marry Cartwright?"
"You told me never to talk about it... about us... again. So I couldn't... and then Annie was there for me and I just thought I had to move on because you didn't want to be with me anymore... so I tried to fall in love with her, I mean I really tried..."
"But you don't really..." Gene started.
"I do love her, but more like a best friend. Not near as much as I..." Sam's eyes filled with tears.
"As much as you what?" Gene said hopefully.
"I don't love her as much as I love you. It's not even close... Gene... I miss you a lot."
"I miss you too, Sammy-boy." And they'd spent the next few minutes making up and making out in his office.
And that night, Sam had informed Annie that he had to leave her. She didn't take it well. They hadn't even made it to their three-month anniversary, and she was being divorced. But he just had to. He couldn't stand being away from Gene, and now that he wanted him back, he couldn't give him up. And he was an honourable man, well, as honourable as one could be in his situation, and he didn't want to run around with Gene behind her back, so he told her it was over. And he'd packed his bags, and left, back to Gene's apartment. Their apartment.
The divorce was finalized and he'd managed to keep a small friendship with Annie, though they were never as close as they once were. He thought maybe she caught on to why he couldn't be with her, but couldn't be sure. If she did know, she was an awfully good sport about it because she never told a soul. She could have ruined both him, the man that left her, and Gene, the man that had stolen him away, with just a few simple words to the right people. But that never happened.
After that, Sam and Gene stayed together for a very long time. A very long time indeed. They'd been happy, keeping each other warm at night, and sneaking the occasional dangerous kiss or grope when no one was looking. And Gene knew Sam still hurt; he knew it was hard for him to keep such a wonderful feeling a secret from the world, but he did it for Gene, and Gene knew that, and appreciated it to no end. He still appreciates that unyielding and undying devotion. That was Sam's most precious gift to him, something he cherishes to this very day, even though his Sammy is no longer with him.
Sam had disappeared a while ago. He'd gone, moved on, the right way this time. And Gene knew it was something Sam had had to do, but that didn't mean he didn't miss him like hell. Because he did, miss Sam like hell, that is. He'd learned to live with it. After all, he had a city to protect and a team to look after. He sometimes talked out loud, as if he thought Sam could hear him, but he realised that that helped him sometimes, it helped ease the pain and take away from the lonliness. And, recently, he'd been accepting his loss, and trying to live more of his life. And he'd been doing really well; not having nightmares, not secretly hoping Sam would appear out of nowhere and say "just kidding", and not constantly re-reading the articles about his mysterious 'death' and looking at old photos.
As has been said, Gene had really been digging himself out of the hole he'd fallen into after Sam left, slowly but surely. And he'd been almost out, when his new DI Alex Drake came barging in on his operation. She acted just like Sam, and knocking him right back down into the hole and making him relive his old memories of the man he'd loved.