Six: Delusion – Vivere in un Sogno, la Verita e L'illusione –
When I saw them happily hugging and kissing her, I knew that this was the place where she must belong. A gripping pain filled my heart when I came to realize that we were, in dark truth, worlds apart. How it came to be, I do not know, or rather, refuse to accept. I could barely hear anything from them. Their cries of joy were cries of anguish and pain for me. Their smiles and ecstasy were tears and overflowing grief for me. Why must it be, that when I have finally found the light, it is taken away from me?
I had no place in this room so I decided to leave quietly. A few of the men in black looked to me when I exited the room. I nodded at them and left, faintly remembering the way out of this house. After a few attempts, I was able to locate the lobby. Everyone was busy. From the front door, chunks and chunks of decorative pieces were constantly being brought in. Ah, the party, I told myself. A small smile appeared on my face as I realized that once she appears in front of them, she's out of my reach.
I went to the garden and savored the warmth of the midday sun. Everything was so peaceful that it pains me more to know how stormy and dark my heart and mind was. I want her to be happy and I want her back to where she truly belongs but another voice wants to keep her from them and chain her forever with me. She was mine before anybody else; she was theirs before I came to her life.
Being unaware of the time that had lapsed, I was surprised to see her profile coming towards me. I didn't believe it at first, thinking that it was just my mind making its trick on me. Then she was there, before me, her blue eyes glistening with delight. She took me by the arm, her touch lighting fire and clearing the clouds inside me. "Hey, you suddenly disappeared. I was going to introduce you to them." She said, a slight edge in her voice scraping me deeper. Managing to force a smile, I chuckled and ruffled her hair. "How was it? It looks like you were very much happy to meet them." I said. Another surge of delight lighted her eyes and we walked back to the house, her leading the way. "They're awesome. They're so kind and warm. And they know Japanese! Amazing, isn't it?" she asked, her curls swaying slightly as the breeze played with them. "Wow. You must have decided your room already. So I guess I should start calling you Your Highness?" I asked with a mock grin. She rolled her eyes and stopped at a nearby bench. "Actually, there's something I wanted to ask you." She asked softly.
"Yeah? What's it?" I asked back, sitting to the empty space beside her. She sighed, a short but worrisome one. "I'm still confused. I…I wanted to be with them, my real family, and I'm sure that I'm going to have a good time but…" she stopped and looked up, forcing her tears to go back inside. "My family, my friends, my life is there in Japan. If I accept their offer to live with them, then I have to say goodbye to my old life. Forever." She muttered the last word with much pain. "It's not about what you want. It's what must be done." I told her, half-intending to answer her question but to remind me of my position as well.
"I know, Ryou…" she sighed. For the first time, she called me by my name. A small fire of joy was born in my heart. "Why don't you talk to your mother? I mean, after all, she's involved in this." I offered. "Right! I haven't thought of that! Thanks." She said and stood. "Ah, come with me. I'll show you your room and mine." She said and took my hand.
Rufus kept silent for a while before obeying her order. "Here, My Lady. Excuse me." He said and bowed to exit after giving in to her request. I cocked my head outside to indicate that I was leaving as well but she stopped me. "Stay here, please." She said and I acquiesced. I walked to the open window and leaned as she dialed the phone and placed it on her ear. After a few silent seconds, she began to sob. "Mother…" she whispered and her face contorted as she cried. I looked away from her, afraid that I might not be able to control myself and do the impossible: make her a runaway princess.
All my life, I've been selfish. I've wanted to hoard things that I like and want because I feel like if I have them, I'll have security. But this time around, I want to be more selfish. I want to keep you for myself…
I've wanted so bad to tell her this but…
"Mother, please don't say that…let me come back. Take me away from here." Nami sobbed more and her head was so bowed, I could see her face anymore. I clenched my fist as I tried hard to compose myself. I would not cause another problem to her. I will behave and restrain myself…
From hugging her and kissing her tears away…
From stroking her head and whisper 'You'll be fine' and other words of encouragement…
From telling her that she will fear nothing as long as I am by her side…
"Mother? Mother!" Nami sounded crazed. She looked at the phone and began to dial it again. "Mother, please, answer it…" she whimpered. After a few more failed attempts, she threw the phone across the bed and sobbed again, her tears never running out. Her cries of anguish and hopelessness won me over and yes, I did it.
I sat beside her and held her in my arms. Her body shook as she was still pouring out her sadness. "M-M-Mother says that I-I s-should s-t-stay here instead. She d-d-doesn't want m-me b-back!" she said and held on to me. "I-I thought that s-she would be comforting m-me and s-say that she'll c-come for me and g-get me back." She added and her sobs began to fall away. I stroked her head and pulled her into me, making her head rest on the space between my neck and chest. "Ryou…why is she doing this to me?" she asked and her tears fell more.
"Do you not want to live here?" I quietly asked as I wiped the tears from her cheeks. She shook her head and looked up to me, her eyes slightly red from crying. "It's not like that. I want to live here too and be with my real parent and other relatives but…I cant leave Japan. I live there. My home is there." She said and buried her face again on my chest. I sighed and leaned my face on her head.
"But the world demands that you stay here. You ought to be here, in the first place." I said, my heart greatly fighting over that statement my mind had ordered me to say. "Granted. But…cant I have both? I mean, I need my past to continue living the future. I will not be the Nami that you know if I disregard my past. I cant be a blank slate in this moment." She said, her voice muffled. By now, her sobbing had almost stopped. "Think about it. Maybe in the earlier months, you cant contact Japan but sure, when everything has subsided and you get to have a pretty 'normal' life, you can always get to visit them." I said as I lifted my eyes to prevent the tears from falling as well.
She stayed still for a while, her breath getting steadier. "Will you…" she started then loosened her grip. She broke away and sat straight. "Promise me you wont leave me. Stay here with me." She said, her eyes looking down and her cheeks getting a little color.
I smiled at her and patted her head. "Silly. Of course." I said and she smiled back.
Of course, I have to leave you in some point in time. We are, after all, worlds apart.
She laughed a little and the sound teased my heart and mind once again. I took her hand and she stopped to look at me. "Ryou?" her face full of confusion. I ignored her and brought her hand to my lips. "Allow me to be your knight. Allow me to serve you, my princess." I said, looking intently on her eyes.
"Allow me to be selfish about you." I added and her face reddened. She grabbed her hand away and averted her gaze. "Shut up. You're not meant to be old style." She muttered and stood. "I think…" she said as she looked out at the window. "I think I'll accept their offer. I will be their princess." She muttered and I felt a small tear fall on my eye.
"Thank you for lending a shoulder." She added then started to walk away.
If I allow her to leave this room, she would be miles away from me. I wont be able to hug her, hold her, and talk to her like before.
"Nami," I said then ran to intercept her exit. She looked up at me and she blinked back. "Hmm?" She asked. I clenched my fist.
I smiled at her and opened the door in her stead. "Let the Knight escort the Princess." I said and her smile stabbed my heart. "Very well!" she said and walked out ahead.