A/N I apologize for the long wait. I started the chapter but lost it so I had to re type it. Also, Water for Elephants madness made me go Rob crazy. Please forgive me. I want to thank c. anna cullen and pyejammies for making this chapter presentable and their words of encouragement. Love you ladies! Thank you to all those who took the time to review and PM me and all the people who've put this on their fave lists and me on fave authors. So happy I could burst. Ruby Lou67, this one's for you.

This weeks song is very angsty and loud so if you want to listen to it put the volume a bit low. It fits perfectly with what goes on now, almost Edwards's words as they play in his head

Hear it at www . youtube . com/watch?v=N3Ne2Aj2c7I&feature=fvsr

How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to

By Myself by Linkn Park, Hybrid Theory

EPOV

Moaning.

Bed sheets rustling with her movements.

Heavy breaths against my skin.

The warm, sweet smell that is Bella penetrating my senses.

Panting.

Her chest rising and falling as a sheen of sweat forms on her forehead.

Her eyes flutter open and closed as she pushes and pulls against me.

This was the fourth night in a week that we had gone through this dance. The first night it happened, it took me by surprise. I'd slept with Bella before, fully clothed next to her as I comforted her from her mother's assault. The second time, it was to comfort her from the news of her mother's impending death. Now, we were in my bed; her naked legs tangled against mine. She was tangled in me, against me, her soft moans making me dizzy. Her warm breath hitting my face in short spurts as her chest pressed into mine.

It was torture. This was the fourth time it happened and I hated it.

Her panting grew labored, and her body squirmed as she neared the inevitable. She screamed, and it was what she screamed that made my blood boil.

"Jacob! Stop, please! Jake!"

Bella jolted awake. Sweat pouring down her face, over her chest, making the thin fabric of her shirt cling to her form. For the fourth time this week, I pulled her close to me and comforted her from her nightmare. They'd been ocurring every night since our first visit to Renee in the hospital. The first night it happened I was woken by a blood-piercing scream. I had jumped out of bed to look for the source only to realize the source of the noise lay in bed thrashing frantically. It had taken me several minutes to get her to wake up. Her frightened eyes darted around the room before resting on mine and coming to focus. Tears had been streaming down her face as I hugged her to me, and she squeezed me back tightly. She'd fallen back to sleep in my arms, clinging to me for dear life. I tried asking her about her dream the following day but was met with resistance. I didn't push for answers hoping it would be a one-time occurrence. I was wrong.

Each night she dreamed, she revealed something new. I know it sounds crazy, but after the second night, I barely slept, waiting for the dreams to come, trying to get some clues about what was tormenting her. She wouldn't talk about them to me and it was the only way I knew to get inside her head. If only I knew what she was thinking maybe I could help. Who am I kidding? I wanted to know why she screamed Jacob's name. Why she sounded so pained, so desperate. I wanted to know why, while she was sleeping in my arms, in my bed, she dreamt of someone else.

Tuesday morning had been…different. I'd awoken slightly disoriented and a little too warm. Something was poking me in the stomach and I quickly realized what that something was. I should say whom. Bella lay next to me in bed, her hair fanned out over the pillow, her face in peaceful slumber. Her legs were wrapped up in my pajama clad ones and her right hand was formed into a fist, digging into my stomach while the other lay across my chest.

I lay there watching her soft, even breaths. The way her eyelashes rested against the soft skin of her cheeks. Her pink, pouty lips slightly open. I wanted to kiss those lips, especially the bottom one. I wanted to pull it into my mouth and suck on it. Seeing as to how Bella was sans pants, laying in my bed, her lower body pressed to mine with only the thin material of my pajamas and her panties between us, I decided kissing her while she slept was not a good idea.

I watched her for what seems like hours, but was probably only minutes when she stirred awake. Her soft brown eyes were hazy from sleep as they focused in on my chest. Her brows furrowed in confusion and her mouth formed into that adorable "o" when realization dawned on her. Her startled eyes looked up to meet mine and that pink blush I love spread over her face. I gave her my patent panty-dropping smile and her blush spread down to her collar and further down to her chest. I only noticed because her shirt was skewed to the side giving me a perfect view of her collarbone and the creamy skin of her neck.

Of course, my body reacted immediately and poked her on her side. That only caused Bella to turn a darker shade of red and I tried to stifle a laugh.

"Good morning."

Bella blushed and covered her mouth with the bed sheet.

"Morning, Edward."

"Sleep well?"

"Umm, yeah, surprisingly. I must have been exhausted." She closed her eyes and sighed.

I couldn't resist how tempting she looked laying next to me, the warmth of her body radiating into mine, the way her hair fell around her head and how the muscles in her neck moved as she stretched her arms above her. Not to mention the rise and fall of her breasts beneath the sheet, which was now obstructing my view.

I pulled her to me and nuzzled her neck with my nose, eliciting a contented squeal from my girl. We spent a good part of the morning just laying in bed, snuggled up to each other, ignoring the world. Bella felt safe and comfortable enough to talk a bit about her mother and the situation she was in at the moment. It's not often an eighteen year old girl has to look death in the face and see it take away a parent. Not only was she faced with waiting until the inevitable passing away of Renee, she'd also have to organize the funeral and figure out if there was any money to pay the hospital bills.

It was all too much for a Tuesday morning so I just held her in my arms as we talked and wrapped ourselves up in each other. I made a mental note to talk to Carlisle about what Bella's options were financially. Maybe Renee had actually thought ahead and arranged something in case of her early demise. One could only hope.

I was lost in thought, blissfully pressed against Bella's body, until she spoke the words every guy wants to hear.

"Edward, I have to pee."

We burst into laughter then and so our day began, at noon.

I made breakfast for us while she showered and went through my daily calendar to see how long I'd be away working. I didn't want to leave Bella, but some of my students had limited availability, so I couldn't cancel on them at the last minute.

Once Bella emerged from the restroom, I jumped in for a quick shower and shave before joining her in the kitchen for food. We agreed on meeting back at the apartment after I was done with my surfing lessons and she finished up some errands she needed to run. Then we'd gone back to the hospital. Her job had given her a few days off when they learned about her mother being in the hospital. Bella didn't want to take them, saying she needed the money now more than ever, but I convinced her to at least take an extra day off. I'd rather her be distracted at work than pacing in the ICU ward waiting for the bad news.

We went back to the hospital that night and Dr. Peterson didn't have good news. Renee wasn't expected to last much longer. Her comma was irreversible and the only thing keeping her alive were the machines that provided her with oxygen. Bella had to decide if she wanted to keep her that way much longer. In other words, it was on Bella's shoulders as to when Renee's last breath would be.

Bella had been acting strangely all afternoon. She had gone back to her house, Renee's house to look for any legal documentation there might be to indicate what Renee's wishes were upon her death. She had returned home with a file folder full of papers, which we would take to Carlisle the next day. I'm not sure what else she found there, but she had been on edge. That night was the first night the nightmares began. It could have been the stress of the decision she was being forced to make or something that she'd seen in her old home. Whatever it was it was eating her up inside, bringing up dreams that had her thrashing and screaming every night. She wouldn't talk about it to me and I desperately hoped she eventually would, until I overheard her talking to Jacob Black on the phone.

I wasn't eavesdropping; I'd left for work and forgotten something on the kitchen counter so I had gone back in to the apartment to get it. That's when I heard her talking to him. They'd agreed to meet later Wednesday afternoon, while I was still at work. I had waited for her to tell me about her meeting with her "friend" but she never did.

Now, it was Friday night and she was screaming for him in her sleep. Pleading with him. It was eating me up inside. What could I do? How could I talk to her about it? I didn't want to start a fight with her. Not in the state she was in, but I had to know why she was hiding things from me.

Two days had gone by and she never mentioned her secret meeting with Jacob. Two days of acting like everything was fine. Lying to my face when I asked her if she'd seen any of her friends. She talked about Rose and Alice, even Jasper, but not once did she mention Jacob.

They'd met this afternoon. I knew it because Bella had reluctantly told me she was going back to her house to look for more paperwork. I offered to go with her but she refused saying she'd already made plans with Jacob. Apparently there hadn't been much of anything in the papers she'd brought back Tuesday. Carlisle needed more information,. A will, anything that would give us an idea of what was to be done with the house and if Renee was leaving anything behind for her daughter. Otherwise Bella was going to become an 18-year-old orphan with a mortgage and God knows what kind of debt left over from her mother.

Bella mentioned there was one room left to look in, but when I offered to go with her, she became skittish and adamantly refused my help. I was fine with it until I learned Jacob would be accompanying her instead. Why did she want him there and not me? What was she hiding?

Jacob had had the decency to pick her up from our apartment, yes our apartment since I didn't foresee Bella moving out any time soon, and gave me an apologetic look. Something was up. My suspicion was confirmed when I saw him murmur something in her ear and rubbing her back soothingly when they thought I was in the bedroom. She nodded at him and gripped his hand before walking out the door without a single "Goodbye."

I'd been trying to rein in my jealousy but this was getting ridiculous. What was Bella hiding? Why wouldn't she tell me? Why did she trust Jacob Black more than me? There was something between them. If I'd had any doubt before, the evidence was slapping me in the face now.

"Bella, sweetheart, it's okay. It's okay"

I rubbed her arm soothingly and waited for her eyes to focus. She scanned the room, tightening her grip on my arm before wrapping her arms around my waist.

"Jake, I was so scared."

I tensed.

"Bella, I think you're in the wrong bed. I'm not Jacob Black." My tone was icy cold as I pried her arms from around my torso.

Bella let out a gasp as I gently pushed her away from me and moved to stand from the bed. I threw on my t-shirt and walked out of the room before she could reply. It was as if I'd been punched in the stomach. I grabbed my jacket from the couch and walked out the door. I needed air. Space. I needed to think.

My girlfriend had just called me another man's name. She'd been wide-awake and conscious and in my bed. How could there have been any mistake as to where she'd been? What did it mean? Had she been in Jacob's bed before mine? I thought I was her first. Her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first love.

Maybe I'd been mistaken when she'd told me she'd never had a boyfriend. Maybe she meant to say this was the first relationship she'd ever been in. Maybe Jacob had all her firsts. Maybe I'd just deluded myself into believing she was pure, that I'd somehow been lucky enough to find an innocent girl who'd accepted me despite all my flaws and all my bullshit.

I knew Bella and Jacob were friends, but were they something more? Had they been more to one another? She always seemed so at ease with him. Never flinching at his touch, his tender smiles. She seemed so shy and reserved with me most of the times, except when something was troubling her. During these times she'd show an aggression that was difficult to comprehend. She became bolder sexually; trying to push me past the boundaries she'd set. Had she set them or had it been me? I'd been trying to take things slow knowing she was a virgin, but was she?

I slumped down into one of the cold metal chairs from the café housed in the first floor of my apartment building and tried to remember how we'd settled on this pattern of proverbial waiting. Maybe I'd misread the signs, and she'd simply gotten tired of waiting for me to take the next step. Maybe Jacob gave her something I couldn't. I grasped my head in my hands and let the cold autumn air wash over me.

~oOo~

"Isabella Marie Swan, would you do me the great honor of becoming my girlfriend?"

Bella made a face as if thinking it over before letting out a dramatic sigh. "I suppose. I mean, we have been seeing a lot of each other exclusively, might as well put a label on it."

"You don't have to…I mean...if you don't want to."

I shrugged trying to look nonchalant, turning my body away from hers and facing the ocean.

"Oh my God, Edward! You're serious? I'm so sorry, I didn't realize!"

"It's okay, Bella, whatever, we don't have to put a 'label' on it. I'm happy to just hang out with you, that's all. We don't have to change anything." I stuffed my hands in my pockets and started walking towards the ocean.

I was utterly humiliated. I'd never done the boyfriend thing, and now that I actually wanted to be a part of a relationship, this seventeen-year-old girl was laughing at me.

"Edward…I...I'm sorry. I'm not used to this. Having someone actually interested in spending more than the necessary time with me. I didn't mean to laugh at you." Bella looked contrite as she walked up behind me, pulling my hand to lace our fingers together.

"It's okay, Bella. Don't worry about it. I was only kidding." I gave her my crooked smile and a soft kiss on the forehead before turning my attention back to the ocean.

We stood there in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. The moment had gone from playful to awkward in a matter of seconds, all because I'd had the foolish notion that this beautiful brown-eyed angel might be the girl I was meant to be with. Silly me, what was I thinking.

"Edward…"

"Bella…"

"I do." Bella looked up at me from beneath her lashes and bit her lip nervously.

"You do what?"

She fiddled with out fingers before letting out a garbled, "."

A slow grin spread through my face and she flushed crimson red.

"Are you sure, Bella? I don't want to pressure you into anything."

She simply nodded without looking at me.

"Have you ever had a boyfriend, Bella?"

She shook her head no.

"So I'd be your first?"

She nodded her head yes.

I grasped her face in my hands and pulled it up to face me. "Well, that makes two of us then. You'll be my first girlfriend too."

She burst into a smile that lit up her face before jumping into my arms and wrapping her arms around my neck.

I nuzzled her hair and kissed my way from her neck to her lips. I kissed her softly and told her my secrets. I wanted to be her first everything.

She looked into my eyes and something flashed in them. Before I could ask what was wrong, she kissed me with more passion than she has ever shown before. It was sweet, it was needy, but there was also desperation, a sadness that I didn't understand.

~oOo~

I was pulled from my reverie by a warm hand on my shoulder.

Bella stood beside me wrapped in a blanket, hair falling on her shoulders, eyes guarded as I looked at her.

"Edward…"

I turned away from her not wanting to see the sadness in her face. Sadness…if that's what it was, or pity.

"Edward, please come back upstairs."

I didn't want t talk to her, not now, but there were so many questions.

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long, Bella?"

"I don't understand…"

My irritation was surfacing. "You and Jacob. How long?"

"Edward…" she crouched down in front of me, forcing me to look at her worried face. "I don't…what are you asking?"

I took deep breaths through my nose, trying to calm down my anger. Was she being purposely obtuse?

"How long have you been seeing Jacob behind my back?" My tone was cold as I met her gaze with a frosty stare.

She gasped and turned away, her chest rising and falling as she began to panic.

"It's not what you think," she whispered.

I was such a fool. She had been sneaking around with Jacob this whole week, her silence had made me suspicious, but she had just confirmed my fears.

I rose from the chair, causing the metal legs to scrape against the pavement and turned towards the stairs.

"Are you coming?"

Bella followed silently behind. This was a conversation I needed to have indoors, in private without the risk of late night wanderers overhearing.

"Bella, I don't understand. Do you even love me? Did you ever? If you wanted to be with Jacob, why did you string me along?"

"No! It's not like that!"

"Then what?" I snapped, "I know you've been sneaking around with him this week, Bella. I heard you talking to him on your phone. I asked you if you'd seen your friends and you didn't mention him at all. Why?" I tried to keep my voice down but failed.

"It's not what you think."

"Then what is it, Bella? Why don't you enlighten me! I've been so fucking patient with you all this time. After everything you've been through, everything you're going through. I've tried to be there for you. What more do you want from me?"

"You have, Edward. I couldn't ask for more from you. You've been so patient with me through everything. I don't know how to thank you. I don't know what to say to show you how much it means to me."

"But I'm not enough, am I? I'm just not enough." I sat on the couch defeated. I'd been fighting a battle with Jacob Black since the first moment I met Bella, and I'd finally lost.

"You are, Edward, you are! You're more than I could have ever wished for. Please, believe me!" She kneeled in front of me, taking my face in her hands, wiping away tears I didn't know I'd shed.

I was angry at her. Angry at him. Angry at myself for not having seen it sooner.

Pulling her hands away from me, I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes.

"I heard you, Bella. You've been seeing him behind my back. You dream about him for fuck's sake. You called me by his name tonight. You can't deny that. Do you know how it feels, to lie next to you every night, trying not to touch you, knowing you're not ready, and having you dream of someone else? Hearing you call out his name in your sleep. Do you have any idea what that does to me? Do you even care?"

"I do, Edward, I do! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

I stood abruptly from the couch causing Bella to fall backwards onto the floor. She is sorry…

"Sorry? For what, Bella? Sorry for stringing me along and making me beg you to be my girlfriend? Sorry for being hot and cold with me; making me think you want me and then pushing me away? Sorry for sleeping with Jacob or sorry for getting caught? All this time I thought, 'Don't be stupid, Edward; don't push Bella past her limit. You can wait for her to be ready. She's an innocent virgin, and you have to be patient and go at her pace,' but no, oh no, all this time you were screwing around with Jacob right under my nose!"

"That's not true, Edward!"

"Of course it is! Why would you think you were in bed with him instead of me if it wasn't true!"

"It's not what it looks like, Edward, you have to believe me!"

"Then tell me what it is, Bella. Tell me!"

"I was having a nightmare, I've been having a lot of nightmares lately…"

"You don't think I know that? I've been here, watching you every night, every night, hoping you tell me what tortures in your sleep and nothing. You tell me nothing. Instead you run off to him. What can you tell him that you can't tell me? I'm your boyfriend; I'm supposed to be the one comforting you, not him. Not unless he means more to you then I do. Is that the case, Bella? Because if it is, you need to tell me now and we can go our separate ways."

"There are some things only Jacob understands, Edward. I can't…I can't bring that into our relationship…you wouldn't understand…I need to leave it behind me…I don't want it to ruin what we have. Please, Edward, please understand."

Tears were streaming down her face, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out and comfort her. Not when I didn't know where we stood. I didn't have it in me to try and pull her together when I was on the brink of falling apart myself.

"What we have? We don't have anything if you don't trust me, Bella. We don't have anything if you're keeping things from me."

Bella's body sagged against the couch and she sobbed silently.

"Do you love him, Bella? Do you love me? Did you ever…? Is that why you wouldn't let me love you? Why you wouldn't sleep with me, because you already gave yourself to him?"

"No, I mean, I do…I love you, and I love him but not the same. I'm in love with you, Edward, I love you so much it hurts. I didn't sleep with Jacob, I could never…"

"Then what are you hiding from me? Why won't you let me show you how much I care about you?"

"I'm scared, Edward."

I knelt down before her and looked into her deep brown eyes. They were full of fear and sadness.

"Why? Haven't I been good to you? Don't you think I'd treat you right? Bella, you're everything to me, everything. I don't know how I can prove myself to you?"

"I don't want you to hate me."

"Why would I hate you, Bella? I know I've been with a lot of girls, I know what you thought of me when we first met but I'm different now. Please, let me show you. Let me love you, Bella."

I reached out to pull her to me but she backed away.

"Don't hate me, please don't hate me."

Bella was on her knees facing me, her hands twisting in her lap, her face cast down unwilling to look me in the eyes.

"You're my first, Edward. My first crush, my first love, my first boyfriend, I don't want to lose you but if you know…when you know…you'll leave. Please don't leave me. I need you."

"Bella, what kind of man do you think I am if I broke up with you because you're a virgin? Is that what you think of me? "

"No…"

"Then what?"

She was silent and still wouldn't meet my eyes. It felt like minutes until she finally broke the silence. I wasn't expecting what came next. I didn't understand it. She said I was her first love, her first boyfriend but then…

"I'm not what you think, Edward. I'm not who you think I am. I never meant to mislead you, please know that."

I made to say something but she raised her hand to stop me.

"Edward, I'm not as innocent as you think. I'm not…I'm not a virgin, Edward. I wish I was, but I'm not."

"But you said…"

"I know…"

"When?"

"I was sixteen…"

"Who was he?"

"I don't know."

A/N Please review and you might get a teaser of the next chapter ;)