Anyone following my other fics, they'll all be updated sometime this week, I think. I broke my ankle and been busy with a new story, so spare me your complaints. Please. :)
Tried my best with "humor" here. I'm not that funny (unless awkward situations count as funny...), so don't tease me. :(
"Congratulations, Mr. Black, your thirty day ban from the supermarket is up!" Bella laughed, ruffling my hair and grinning alongside Patrick.
"Laugh it up, Bella, laugh it up, but I'll get my revenge, I swear." I vowed, chomping on a piece of toast.
"That's really disgusting, you know," Bella told me, wincing at my open-mouth chewing.
"No one said you had to look," I reminded her, smiling widely, probably too widely.
She shrugged, looking down at her work schedule. "Can you do me a favor, Jacob?"
I felt my brows raise and tilted my head to the side. "If it's within reason..."
"Can you go to the store and pick some stuff up for me?"
Patrick let out a loud laugh and choked on his food. Bella clapped him on the back without looking up from her paper, silencing his racking coughs, but he still laughed uproariously.
"What do I need to get?" I grumbled, narrowing my eyes at my innocent-looking wife. She smirked deviously at me before standing up and scribbling some stuff down on a post-it. She slapped it down in front of me, that damn smirk still there. Swallowing my food, I glanced down, squinting.
"What in the love of God is this supposed to say?" I demanded, unable to read her penmanship.
"Pat, can you read this?"
Patrick leaned over the table, mouthing the words to himself. "La---" he began, but Bella silenced him.
"Why don't you wait till you get to the store to tell Daddy what it says?" Bella suggested, her smirk turning into a full-blown grin. I ground my teeth together nervously. What the hell was she plotting?
"'k," Patrick conceded, finishing his cereal and putting the bowl in the sink. He tugged his shoes on and waited impatiently for me to finish.
I got up and put my plate in the sink. "Why aren't you going out, anyways?"
"Emily wanted to meet up with me about something," she replied simply, kissing my cheek and doing the same for Pat. "I'll see you in an hour or so."
Once she left, I washed up and tied up my sneakers. Pat and I hopped in the truck that was parked in the driveway and we went bumbling down the road. Once we arrived at the store, I scowled at the poster of myself up on the bulletin board - "Be wary of local man".
The clerks gave me weird looks as we trekked through the supermarket, perhaps thinking I was going to assault someone else.
"Now Pat, tell me what the note says."
"Lady products." he frowned, looking up at me through his long lashes, obviously wondering why my jaw had suddenly went slack and my eyes bugged out. I heaved dramatically and slapped my hand to my forehead.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, she did not," I hissed almost silently.
My profanities ceased when a familiar face entered the store, looking on edge and sweaty. Huh... Sam never looked like that before. I wondered what was wrong...
Wait... Emily didn't---
"Jake!" Sam sighed in relief, resting one of his hands on top of Daniel's head. "You won't believe what Emily's asked me to do."
"Lady products?" I sympathized. He nodded.
"How the hell are we supposed to know what to get?" he whispered, his eyes darting down to the two boys talking about some toy they wanted.
"Why don't we make this a team effort, eh? The two of us can sort this out. We're smart enough."
Sam bobbed his head up and down, agreeing with me. Nervously, we all walked towards the "woman" section of the store. I gulped.
"Holy shit that's a lot of haircare spray," Sam announced in awe. I nodded, dumbstruck.
"That's not what we need," I awkwardly reminded him, "it's around this isle... along the wall."
We rounded the corner, only to stop dead in our tracks.
Rows upon rows of different kind of... supplies jumped out at us. I couldn't help but feel a little bit intimidated by the colored packaging their brand names. How were we supposed to do this? We were men, for Christ's sake!
"Did Emily give you any hints?" I whimpered, shying away from an"Ultra-Absorbent" package. Sam shook his head ferociously.
"No! Of course she didn't! She and Bella plotted this whole dang (he only just stopped himself from saying "damn", so it came out as "daymg") thing!"
I put my hands on his shoulders and stared down into his eyes.
"Get a grip, Uley! We can do this! We are capable of buying pads or tampons or whatever the heck a pantiliner is!"
"You forgot wipes." he added.
"Shut up and listen to me, dang it! We used to be frickin' wolves, man, I think we can handle buying feminine products!"
He got a determined look in his eye before scouring the various rows.
"Maxi Pad?" he called, scratching his chin and staring at the thing.
"Can we get a clerk?" I wondered. He ran down the isle and appeared with a familiar-looking person on his tail. Wait! Shit, it was Brett!
"Sir, what's the pro---" he stopped cold and stared at me, his eyes wide and his mouth open. I was about to comment on DSL, but Sam beat me to speaking.
"What's the difference between a Maxi Pad and a pantiliner?" he inquired, gesturing helplessly at the bags.
Brett swallowed visibly and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "A pantiliner is like a sanitary napkin, I guess. Thinner than a pad."
He looked ashamed to know that. Poor guy had to take inventory and know the products customers asked him about. I felt for him, but I remembered what a douche he had been earlier and disregarded it. "Is there a regular kind?" I piped up. How the hell was I supposed to know how much Bella bled... Fuck, no way, man, no fuckin' way.
Brett pointed to a different style package which had "regular" in bold, white print. It was next to the "overnight" row, and also the "ultra-thin" row.
"What about tampons?" Sam asked, pinching the bridge of his nose helplessly. Brett jerked his thumb to rows of things to my far left, which was bordering on make-up products. I stared, wide-eyed, at the boxes. They had fucking measurements on them! 6 grams? Why were there water droplets on the box?What? How in God's name was I supposed to know how much she leaked in all?
"Daddy, Daddy, look what me and Danny found!" Pat shouted, rounding the bend and holding up a box. How I had I not noticed him leave? Bad parenting, bad, bad parenting, Jacob!
I nearly choked on my spit when Pat placed his findings in my outstretched hands. C-c-condom...
"It says condam," Danny said, mispronouncing the word. "What's a condam?"
Sam, peaking over my shoulder, let out a uncharacteristic squeal and pulled Danny away.
"I've gotta go, Jake! Emily can do this shit later!"
Closing my mouth, I delicately put the condom on the nearest row and stiffly ambled out of the store, to the truck, and back to the house.
Patrick was yammering at me when I finally got the stupid door open, but immediately stopped and rushed over to Bella's side.
"Have fun?" she cooed, sticking her tongue out at me.
I started in on my tirade, but Patrick spoke up first.
"Mommy, what's a condam?"
Anyone else thinking of gundams now? Just me? Okay.