"Tonto me buckoruno, I've got great news" the ghostly Loki smiled happily. Tonto immediately went for a jar like the kind one would store sugar or salt in.
"No, I didn't get any more pies, but I did manage to find one of the locks" Tonto was grinning.
"Yes, super agent Tonto is ready to defile the wrongs of Zeus, and go on adventure so grand, maybe people will write epic poems about me, or stories, or maybe even a comic book series..."
"Yes, but the thing is, its underground, right over where the Hunters are currently camping, and their going to be there, for about a month, and after that the world federation of mimes will hold their month long festival there..." Tonto looked terrified.
"WHAT! I don't know what's worse, the hunters or the mimes!" Tonto was panicking. Loki did not seem as stressed.
"DUDE, its not impossible, just think like a trickster, or better yet, the best Greek mortal trickster" with that cryptic note, the Loki ghost vanished.
"He was defiantly giving me an idea, and there is only one way to figure it out, to the internet!"
one long and night long internet search later
Tonto was gulping down a huge coffee pot of the caffeinated liquid, as he kept spitting out random Greek information.
"The patron god of Sparta was Ares! Mt. Olympus is a real mountain located in Greece, as well as it tallest peak! Hades's Greek names is Pluto! Hebe the Goddess of youth is the daughter of Hera and Zeus and the wife of Hercules! Their are 9 muses, all daughters of Zeus! Prometheus was freed from the Caucasian Eagle by Hercules! Artemis and Apollo were on the side of Troy in the Trojan War! Athena was once engaged to Hephaestus! Sisyphus was able to place the god of death, Thanatos, in chains in order to create a world where no one died, until Ares freed Thanatos after he felt war had lost its entertainment in his eyes! Wait, was that what Loki meant, Yawn, Oh my head hurts...
Nap
Snore
...
Later
Tonto had found his way into the underworld, looking for Hades, a questionably sane move on his part. After 5 seconds, he grew bored and impatient...
"Well, might as well test this new bomb Kowalski whipped up" Tonto evilly grinned as he held a rainbow colored sphere. Pulling the trigger, he tossed it into the distance of the fields of Asphodel, and hid behind a rock.
5
4
3
2
1
BOOM
Tonto poked his head up from behind the rock, to find that the Underworld was now flooded out with rainbow colored snow cone crushed ice, delicious sweets. He didn't have to wait that long.
"WHO DARES FLOOD MY KINGDOM WITH CHEAP ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED FROZEN ICE SHARDS!" Hades's voice boomed as he appeared before Tonto in a fury. The Furies were behind him, as was a army of skeletons.
" 'Was up Hades" Hades glared at Tonto.
"Oh, its you! Do you have a death wish, for you seem to dare to turn my kingdom into the north pole!"
"Actually I do, I wish to chain Thanatos, so may I please chain him up so I can go onto my quest and battle against a army of fearsome girls to find what I must seek"
"No, because your to be destroyed, Furies attack!" Tonto held up a little remote with a huge red button.
"One more move, and I'm posting Olympus's Christmas Party 1999 on Godtube. I have it almost totally set up, all I have to press this button..." Hades and the Furies looked absolutely terrified.
"You wouldn't!" Tonto grinned evilly "And how do you have an account on a Olympus exclusive service anyway!"
"I would, and you really need a better Firewall. And decides, would you really kill me? I mean, isn't a frozen kingdom much better?"
"NO IT IS NOT!" Hades glared. Tonto looked defiant.
"Are you sure, I mean I've seen your rants on Godtube, your always complaining about the food down here, but try some of this stuff, its actually pretty good" Hades snapped his fingers, as a ice cream cone appeared in his hand. A scoop of snow cone from the bomb flew onto the cone, and Hades took a small bite. He immediately smiled.
"This, this is amazing! What is this stuff, anyway?" the furies also started to eat some of it, and the granny hag bats seemed happy.
"Its my ancient Tonto family recipe. See, isn't this much better than the doom and gloom you normally have to deal with. Listen, what do you here, no moans, no screeches, all the ghouls and the tortured souls are muffled by the snow cone ice. So, your pretty much going to have about a week of quiet until the ice melts. But here's the thing, I'll make a delivery of this stuff, say a few gallons a month, already have to make a lot of this stuff to offer to Aphrodite to keep her from ruining my love life, to you, in exchange for not only Thanatos temporary being chained, for say an hour, and for Sisyphus to be made my servant" Hades lost his snow cone induced happy mood.
"WHAT!"
"Come on, what do you think would be more torture, pushing a boulder up a hill for all eternity, or being my servant" Hades thought it through for about 5 seconds.
"Deal"
5 seconds later in the yellow grassed Savannah of Kenya
Out of the shadows of a fat, sort of dead looking, but alive, Baobah tree, Tonto and a skinny, but muscled man in a old style Greek toga, thing, with brown hair.
"How convenient, Sisyphus, or Sippy, like that, Sippy, go make my reservations at that hotel in the tree, for myself and Wendy, after my mission is complete" the trickster groaned.
"Are you sure, I could go find a more, structurally solid hotel, farther away, requiring me to spend more time away from you..."
"Sippy, I own your soul, now go to the hotel in the tree" grumbling, the freed trickster stalked off, grumbling. Sighing, he closed his eyes. He heard the spirit of Loki again.
"Was up Tonto?"
"Tell me, is Thanatos secured?"
"He is, you may proceed in your immortal like moment of triumph" Tonto nodded grimly before charging into the Savannah. But five seconds later, Tonto ended up tripping and startling a large, upright standing bird, with gray and white plumage. It looked like something out of the past, when man sized, flesh eating birds, ruled the world. It was a Secretary bird, a African ground dwelling predatory bird. The bird let out a war cry, as it charged at Tonto. Screaming, Tonto fled from the angry bird, before he lost the feeling of the ground. He had run off a cliff.
"AHHHHHH!" Tonto fell down, and down, and down, and down, and down, until he crashed, right in the middle of the Hunters camp. The camp sprawled at the edge of the sheer cliff, right near a watering hole.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Artemis howled. Before he knew it, Tonto was surrounded by the entire troop of hunters, including Thalia and Bianca.
"Oh, hey Artemis, how about this weather" Artemis looked really ticked off.
"YOU DARE FALL OUT OF THE SKY, RIGHT BEFORE WE WERE TO BATHE!" Tonto realized the timing was really off. While the Hunters had not, gotten into the proper, um, suit, for bathing, it was a well known fact in the Greek myths that those, who even unintentionally, appeared around when the huntresses were getting ready to bathe, those men usually died gruesome death.
"FIRE!" a dozen arrows flew straight at Tonto. Now, instead of describing Tonto being brutally skewered, we're going to take a look at what our old friend, the Secretary Bird, is doing. Well, its looking over the cliff, seeing what goes on.
The Hunters were wide eyed, Artemis was utterly shocked. Probably some of the huntresses would be scared for life! Tonto just yawned, as he pulled the arrows out of his body. His body then healed itself in seconds!
"That, is just disgusting, fire again!" more arrows flew into Tonto. Again, he just removed them, his wounds healed, wow Sisyphus had really come up with a great idea.
"Now now Artemis, you going to try something now?" Tonto started to whistle as he placed his hands in his pockets and started to calmly stroll towards the water hole, completely ignoring the very ticked off hunters.
"Okay, maybe you won't die from arrows, now tried being deep fried!" Thalia pointed her spear into the air. The sky suddenly became dark and stormy, as a burst of lightning flew down and electrocuted Tonto. The area was filled in a smoke that smelled oddly of cooking meat. But the girls gasped, Tonto walked out of the deadly electrocution, idly eating a hot dog he had put on a stick.
"You know, this is really good Thalia, you should think about starting your own Hot dog Stand!" Tonto finished his hot dog and continued to move forward.
"Your a freak, be buried in stone!" Bianca stomped the ground hard. A giant pit trap, filled with deadly spikes at its bottom, opened up under Tonto. He fell in, as Bianca sealed the top again.
"That, should hold him, forever" Bianca sighed, swiping some sweat off her brow with her hand. But then, they heard Tonto's annoying whistle again. Then from the ground behind Bianca, a hole slowly opened, courtesy of a jack hammer Tonto seemed to get from nowhere. Wandering out like it was nothing, Tonto continued his walk towards the water hole. The Jackhammer then vanished, as it was never there.
"THAT IS IT, MAYBE YOU WON'T LOSE ANY VITAL ORGANS, MAYBE YOU WON'T FRY, AND MAYBE SUFFOCATION AND LOSS OF BLOOD ISN'T ENOUGH EITHER, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST VAPORIZE YOU ON THE SPOT!" Artemis was glowing gold, she was about to enter her true form. Immediately, the other hunters hid behind the tents for safety. The area immediately was cloaked in harsh, moon gold light.
"Oh, so that's what a god's immortal form looks like, good on you" Tonto wasn't disintegrating, or vaporizing, or in any form, dying. A fact that was making Artemis really ticked
"WHY WON'T YOU DIE!" Artemis yelled in rage.
"I'm Just cool that way"
"YOU ARE THE MOST..." Artemis began ranting and cursing in fury, all in ancient Greek. It was then that Tonto heard a new voice in his head.
"Yo, was up dude, you getting who I am?" this voice had a more Norse, yet more modern, feel than Loki. Tonto tried to think.
"Um, Odin?" the voice laughed.
"Oh no YO, I'm not Odin, the names Thor, Norse god of Thunder here to represent! Now get the down low, you need to blow them hunter bra's (Modern surfer lore, not the clothing article) off you, so dig this, you get to borrow me's weapon of mass destruction, something that makes Ol Zeus's bolt look like a cut out, Yo!" out of nowhere, pale blue and yellow sparks started to form in Tonto's hands...
"What, what is that!" Artemis seemed nervous, even in her true form, a form so hard to describe, I would burn up telling you about it. But in Tonto's hands, was a giant hammer, with a thunderbolt marked into its hammer part.
"THIS IS MJOLLNIR, my all powerful weapon. Use it to summon forth bolts that would make Zeus quake in fear, and represent us Norse. But please don't be damaging it, I still need to make it more modern" Tonto grinned evilly as he raised the hammer. The clouds that Thalia had summoned earlier began to move, swirling around the hammer almost like if Tonto was controlling a tornado itself. Full form Artemis looked scared.
"KNOW YOUR PLACE!" Tonto grinned insanely as he tossed the hammer. The hammer sparked with huge bolts of electricity, before it burst a huge thunder storm across the camp. As the storm cleared, Artemis, back in her mortal, ish form, and the hunters, were all twitching, covered in electric static. Luckily for him, Artemis had actually decided to leave Leia and Diana at home, away from the Lions and Leopards, and apparently the Tonto's as well.
"Today's fight with full god powered force lasted approximately 15 seconds, Chuu!" a random little bat announced, before he looked around confused. "My bad, wrong world (Fourth wall breaker).
Satisfied that the hunters would not notice him, he pounded the bottom of Mjollnir into the ground. The water hole's surface tension broke, as a huge stone structure rose out of it. It looked sort of like a cake, a huge bottom lair supporting a smaller, half the size of the first top lair. Noticing the hammer vanishing back to Thor, Tonto jumped, barely grabbing the sides of the structure. On it were a large series of Linear A writings, something Tonto could not read.
"Um, Loki, Thor, any help?" no answer. But instead, our Secretary Bird from before had appeared at the side of the water hole. Jumping, the large bird jumped across the water and landed on the side.
"Nice birdy, nice birdy, I'm not that tasty..."
"Oh, this bird here's not going to hurt you, Secretary Birds eat reptiles and small mammals, not humans" a hippy voice spoke. Tonto looked around confused.
"Um , who was that?" Tonto said confused. The bird stared at him, and it was then Tonto noticed a color, depicting a yellow and brown peace sign, hung on the birds neck.
"This is my messenger of peace, one of our watchers of the key locks to free us. This is the African lock. And this fine bird here, is Speeding Dizzy Wind, and I am his guiding being, Whope, the peace goddess of the Lakota Indian Tribe" So, apparently this was Whope's Disciple.
"I am Tonto, um I've been sent to help free you guys, so how do I do that" the hippy voice laughed again.
"Simple my child, you must take on a fighting stance against Speeding Dizzy Wind, and the lock will open" that seemed simple enough. Speeding Dizzy Wind rose one of its legs, and bent it half way. It held out its winds, as Tonto held out the opposite arm to Speeding Dizzy Wind's leg, with both arms in a karate stance. At this moment, the lock started to glow a brilliant rainbow color, as a bright geyser of color flew into the sky. This lock, was unlocked!
"Now, Speeding Dizzy Wind, follow Tonto. He will need your assistance in the future, and also before Zeus turns you into deep fried TV dinner!" Tonto agreed with what Whope had said.
"To the tree house hotel, you know that's where Queen Elizabeth the Second became Queen" The bird looked curious as he and Tonto sped into the distant Savannah. "Imagine, you could boast that you slept in the same room the queen became the queen"
"BRAGH!"
"Okay okay, that does sound a little wrong"
Meanwhile
In a darkened Throne Room, Zeus stiffened in shock.
"No, it's impossible, someone's unlocked one of the seven locks!" he got up immediately and started to pace from place to place.
"How is this possible, they are guarded by a multitude of spells, how could someone..." he froze, before giving a look of pure fury.
"It can only be that Tonto, who'd do such a thing! He shall pay for ruining my justice!"