Zaphod Meets His Match

PROMPT: Voyager (or TOS), Torchwood and Hitchhikers guide... :) Would love to see Jack, Janeway (or Kirk and Spock) and Zaphod in the same room (it would be ego galore).

For Kamai6

I've done TOS, because I'm more comfortable writing it, and you gave me the choice.

"Mr Spock, Bones and I will beam down to check this place out." Kirk stood up and glanced around the bridge. "Scotty, take control."

"Yes, Sir."

OoO

"Where are we headed, Doctor?" Jack asked. Ten looked at Jack, a sparkle in his eyes.

"It's a surprise!"

"Not another one…" Jack sighed.

"Do you not like surprises?" The Doctor pulled his puppy face. "We can do something else if you like…" Jack looked at the big, watery brown eyes and downturned lips. He could never resist that face.

"Very well," he said. "Surprise it is."

OoO

"Don't make me go through this again!" cried Arthur. Ford chuckled.

"It's fun!" he said, grinning manically. Zaphod leaned on the switch.

"Hold on tight…" The improbability drive whirred into action. Arthur vomited.

OoO

Spock, Kirk and McCoy stood on the rocky planet surface.

"The computer showed life forms, but there don't appear to be any in the immediate vicinity," said Spock.

"We'll find them," said Kirk determinedly, stepping forward with his hand on his phaser. It was at that very moment that the Heart of Gold decided that it would pick up a couple of new passengers, change course slightly and use primitive radio waves to interfere with the Enterprise's technology. Kirk didn't notice- why would he?- and walked right into the trap laid by the Eleepherd'ins. Twenty large, heavy set men with huge, flappy ears sprung out from their hiding places. Each one was clutching a four foot spear in front of them. A menacing growl emanated from each and every one.

"I take it there are no injured survivors then?" asked Bones sarcastically.

"No, and I do believe that the entire story about the crashed ship was no more than a story," said Spock. Kirk glared at them.

"Let's get out of here and talk later," he said. "Transporter room: three to transport."

"Transporting now," said the tinny voice through Kirk's receiver.

"Thank God for that," muttered Kirk, as they disappeared only moments before the first Eleepherd'in struck.

OoO

"Where is the Captain?" asked Chekov. "I thought we beamed him up?"

"We did…" said Scotty.

"So where is he? If he is not here…"

"Be quiet!"

OoO

"Why are you doing this to me?" cried the Doctor, staring distraught at the TARDIS control panel.

"I'm not doing anything," said Jack.

"I mean, please! It was going to be great. But no! You couldn't have that now, could you?"

"What did I do?" asked Jack.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Now Jack was really confused.

"I'm sorry, old girl. We've been through a lot together. I just… I just wanted it to be a surprise."

"Old girl?" Jack exclaimed. The Doctor turned to face him.

"I'm talking to the TARDIS!"

"Right…" Jack leaned against the controls and waited.

OoO

"What's it doing?" wailed Arthur, puking up multi-coloured marbles.

"I don't know!" cried Zaphod cheerfully. "You're such a lightweight!"

"Excuse me," said Eddie, his voice laced with friendliness, "but the Heart of Gold appears to have picked up an alien ship. It's in the hold."

"A whole ship?" asked Arthur, amazed. "How does it fit?" He coughed, and a large, mottled, green and brown Earth frog clambered out of his mouth.

"It's a very small ship," said Eddie.

OoO

"I've been here before," said the Doctor. There was an ominous silence.

"Where exactly is here?" asked Jack. They were still stood in the TARDIS.

"Here is the surprise!" said the Doctor. "Now that I've got the TARDIS working." He patted the control panel. "She just needed a little encouragement, that's all."

"I see…" Jack didn't quite know what to think. "So what's this place like, then? Have I been here before?"

"I don't think you will have. It's friendly, and a little bit crazy, and last time I went it was slightly painful as well…" He tailed off, remembering his first meeting with a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"Painful?" asked Jack. He wasn't too sure about this trip; he should have been back working with Torchwood. But the Doctor had seemed so lonely.

"Good painful," clarified the Doctor.

"Oh, that's ok then," said Jack.

OoO

"Where are we?" asked Kirk. He looked around. The three of them were stood in a grey, metallic room.

"Not where we expected to be," said Bones. He sat down. "Well, can we see a way out?" Kirk walked over to the door and pushed.

"Locked," he said.

"Try pulling," said Spock logically. Kirk pulled the handle.

"Still locked," he said.

"We've lost our communications," said Spock, after a few moments silence. He had been attempting to contact the Enterprise.

"Well," said Kirk. "Let's hope someone comes and lets us out soon, then." He sat down beside Bones. Spock remained standing.

OoO

"We're just materialising now!" said the Doctor, beaming. The TARDIS shook, and the noise that the Doctor loved so much began.

OoO

"Get to the edge of the room," said Spock. Kirk and Bones moved quickly, confused but trusting. The Vulcan had been scanning the area, but up until now hadn't noticed anything unusual. The very second after they had moved out of the way, a large, blue box began materialising right where they had been sitting.

"I've only ever seen these in history books," said Kirk, looking at the police box. "I wonder what it's doing here, and how it got here."

"Well let's just hope that whatever's inside it is friendly," said Bones, eyeing the box with distrust.

OoO

The Doctor opened the door of the TARDIS and stepped out into the metallic room. The room which seemed to have no other purpose than to pick up unwanted passengers. Jack followed him.

"Is this it?" he asked, disappointed.

"No, no, no," said the Doctor. Neither of them noticed the three Enterprise crewmen who were watching them from behind the TARDIS. The Doctor ran the end of his sonic screwdriver around the edge of the door. There was a 'whir' and a 'click' and then the door swung open. The Doctor and Jack left the room, Kirk, Bones and Spock following.

OoO

"We have five visitors and they have broken out of the holding room," said Eddie cheerfully. "It's improbable that they are hostile, and don't worry, the worst they can do is kill you!"

"Improbable?" cried Arthur.

"Shut up," said Zaphod. "I'm the President-"

"You were the president," butted in Trillian. Zaphod continued as if she hadn't spoken.

"-so they can't do anything."

"His heads are too big for his boots," Ford whispered to Arthur. There was a knock at the door, and then it swung open.

"Hello again," said the Doctor.

OoO

Zaphod, Trillian, Ford and Arthur stared at the four strangers. The Doctor grinned.

"You've only met me, haven't you? Well, you're in for a treat. This is Captain Jack Harkness." He pointed at Jack who nodded.

"Excuse me for wondering, Doctor, but who are the other people?" Arthur asked quietly.

"Haven't a clue!" said the Doctor, grinning madly. Zaphod stepped forward angrily.

"This is my ship!" he said heatedly.

"Your stolen ship," muttered Trillian.

"You can't just bring any random strangers as if it were a... a... a public swimming pool!"

"I'll have you know that I am Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise," said Kirk, stepping forward until he was almost touching Zaphod, who flinched and moved back a little.

"Where's your Star Ship now?" he shot back. "This is the Heart of Gold, and I'm President of the galaxy!"

"You were president," muttered Trillian. Zaphod turned around and glared at her.

"This looks like it's going to be good," the Doctor whispered to Arthur. He sat down on a conveniently placed orange beanbag, which looked really out of place compared to the rest of the decor. "Got any popcorn?" Arthur shook his head, bemused. "Ah, well, never mind."

"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Jack. He had removed his jacket and- in his trousers, shirt and braces- he seemed to look taller. Zaphod looked at him with contempt.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"You're not acting much like a president," said Jack, searching for an argument.

"I am so acting like a president!" yelled Zaphod. "A president can do whatever they want!"

"This is childish," said Spock, who had been lurking with Bones in the background.

"Shhh," said the Doctor. "I'm trying to watch!"

"I have an idea," said Zaphod.

"This can't be good," said Ford, looking worried. "Zaphod Beeblebrox and ideas can't stay in the same room as each other; someone will get hurt."
"Well, we have a doctor," said Bones.

"Yeah, but I don't really do... well, anything a doctor does to be honest," said the Doctor.

"I meant me," snapped Bones, annoyed.

"I've had a better idea," said Kirk.

"Hey! You haven't even heard mine yet!"

"Come on, men. Spock, try communicating with the Enterprise again."

"Communications are still down," said Spock.

"Dammit," said Kirk. Zaphod glared at him.

"My idea will determin which of us is the best," shouted Zaphod.

"I think you need to watch his sugar intake," the Doctor told Trillian. Trillian glared at him.

"We all drink a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster," said Zaphod gleefully.

"I think this is a great idea," chipped in Eddie. "You can all drink yourselves to death and leave the ship in the hands of those with more sensible heads on their shoulders." He said all this with such a jolly ring to it that no one was quite sure whether he was serious or not.

OoO

There was a tall glass full of the terrible liquid that Zaphod Beeblebrox had rustled up excitedly in front of each man. Zaphod looked quietly confident. He knew that he could drink the stuff easily. The only thing worrying him was the confident smirk plastered onto Jack's face. Jack was completely confident in himself: it was only a drink, and he had drunk some pretty strong stuff in his time. Kirk was smiling, but the expression on his face was forced. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. Bones gave him a thumbs up, and he felt as if he might throw up. The Doctor, by this point, had found himself some popcorn, and was happily munching away.

"I drank this stuff once," said the Doctor conversationally to Arthur.

"I remember," said Arthur. "You were out cold for three days." The Doctor winced.

"Don't remind me."

OoO

The drinking contest was over quickly. Zaphod downed his glass in one, feeling the burning liquid slide down his throat. He only flinched, a brief frown passing over his face. He looked around, smug. Jack, however, had already drank his, and was being congratulated by the Doctor.

"Very well done, you didn't even flinch! How did you do it?" he gushed.

"Well," said Jack. "Let's just say it wasn't the strongest stuff I've drank." Kirk had not fared so well. He had taken only a sip of the liquid before clutching his head like a child in distress and projectile vomiting across the table. He then groaned loudly before passing out, his face in his own sick.

"Let's just say it was a draw," Zaphod said to Jack. Jack shook his head.

"I've beaten you at your own game," he said. He winked at Zaphod. "See you around sometime."

"Doctor McCoy, I have managed to contact the Enterprise. They have a lock on our positions," said Spock. Bones grimaced.

"I don't believe the captain will enjoy returning in this condition, but needs must," he said. The three of them dissolved into blue lights.

"Goodbye," the Doctor called after them. "How rude... Well, Jack, I do believe that it's time for us to go."

"Alright, Doctor," replied Jack. After saying a few hurried goodbyes, they left the room where Marvin was clearing up Kirk's vomit and went back to the TARDIS. The last thing they heard was Marvin muttering.

"Brain the size of a planet and they ask me to clean up a Star Ship captain's vomit," he said in his depressing way. The Doctor laughed.

"Off we go!" he said. "Did you like my surprise?"
"I did," replied Jack, smiling.

The End

AN: Well... Sorry, I just have to write about pan-galactic gargle blasters... And Sorry about the Kirk bashing... And the Zaphod bashing... I love them both really...

The next prompt is Doctor Who/Life On Mars, it's complete, it just needs typing.