My Precious

For Dont-Call-Me-Koschei

The prompt was: You know how much I love you... DEATH NOTE DEATH NOTE DEATH NOTE and LOTR.

So here goes. I've made an attempt. xD

"Come on, come on!" The Doctor talked to himself when he was lonely. Which he was now. He didn't blame Martha for wanting to stay at home, but the TARDIS was too big for just him. "Come. On!" he cried, grabbing at her controls. The time vortex gripped his ship, spinning her, throwing her around. "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!" And suddenly she did stop. The Doctor looked at the control panel. "No..." he said, almost afraid. "Not a parallel universe..."

OoO

The Doctor, having pulled his act together, stepped out of the blue police box. He breathed an audible sigh of relief when he realised that this was not Bad Wolf Bay and that in fact he had never stepped foot here before. He looked around. He was stood on top of a small hill and before him a tiny village was laid out. And there were... little people. The Doctor blinked and then shrugged.
"I wonder what species they are," he said to himself. He was about to walk down the hill and into the village when he heard a small but angry voice.
"What are you doing up there? Get down at once!" There was a man at the bottom of the hill. A very small man with, the Doctor noted, very hairy feet.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," he said, bounding down the hill. Now that he was standing beside the man he realised that he was about half his height. "What are you?" he asked curiously. "If you don't mind me asking, of course. I don't think I've ever come across your species before."
"I'm a hobbit," said the man, drawing himself up to his full height which turned out to be pretty much the same height he had been before.
"A hobbit... That's amazing!"
"Yes, I am Mr Bilbo Baggins." He held out his hand and the Doctor reached down and shook it.
"Hello Mr Bilbo Baggins. I'm the Doctor."
"Just Doctor?"
"Yes, just Doctor. Now, I don't suppose you could tell me which planet I'm on?"
"You're in the Shire. This is Middle Earth!" There was a pause, and then: "Do you smoke, Doctor?" asked Bilbo. He himself had a pipe lodged in his mouth.
"I don't actually," said the Doctor. Bilbo looked visibly disappointed. He puffed out a smoke ring.
"Are you sure? I couldn't tempt you? I have a spare pipe inside."
"No, no, I'm quite sure," said the Doctor, smiling.
"Oh." There was another pause. Then: "Well would you like to come inside for something to eat? I've had elevenses, but it's almost time for half past elevenses."
The Doctor laughed. "I am quite hungry, actually. I do believe I skipped breakfast this morning, so a spot of half past elevenses would be wonderful, thank you."
"You skipped breakfast?" asked Bilbo, his eyes as wide as dinner plates. "You- you skipped breakfast! Quick! Come inside and we'll get some food into you!"
The Doctor followed the hobbit, feeling a little bemused.

OoO

At the foot of the hill, cut into the side, there was a small, round door. Bilbo opened this door.
"Do come in. Oh, mind your head. Wipe your feet on the door mat please. Through here, through here."
The Doctor let himself be bustled along into a cosy little sitting room.
"Just stay here, I have a seedcake in one of the pantries." Bilbo walked sedately out of the room. The Doctor guessed that he would be gone a while so he left the tiny room and its warm fire and began to explore the rest of the underground house.

OoO

"So I can kill anyone?"
The Doctor stood by a door listening to the one sided conversation going on inside. He wondered if the person was speaking on a phone, but then realised that judging by the decor of the rest of the hose that phones hadn't been invented. Perhaps the person was just mad, then, and talking to himself.
"Could I kill you?" said the voice, genuinely curious. There was a pause and then: "Why not?"
The Doctor decided to go in and investigate because the person sounded dangerous. He pushed open the door slowly. "Hello? Anyone at home?" he called.

OoO

The room looked like an office. It housed a large, solid wood desk and a tall, straight backed chair. The occupant of the chair was another hobbit. He had just finished hurriedly stuffing something into one of the desk drawers, as if he was trying to hide it from the Doctor. He looked up.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"The Doctor. Who are you?" the Doctor replied.
"Frodo Baggins," said the hobbit. "Now, I hope you'll excuse me, but I have important business I need to get on with."
"Would this be the business which involves killing people? Because I can't let you do that. I'm sorry, but I can't. You were talking to someone before, weren't you?"
"I- They left," said Frodo, his eyes darting shiftily around the room.
"You wouldn't mind if I took a look around, would you?"
Frodo opened his mouth but no sound came out.
"Oh, thank you," said the Doctor. "I can't help feeling curious."
"Wait, I didn't-"
"Aha!" The Doctor had opened one of the desk drawers to find an A4, black covered notebook. It had embossed gold writing on the front. "Death Note," the Doctor read. "What's this?" He reached out a hand as if to pick it up.
"Don't touch it!" shouted Frodo. The Doctor recoiled his arm.
"Why?" he asked. "What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing," said Frodo, not looking the Doctor in the eye. The Doctor reached out again.
"Well you won't mind me taking a little look at it, then, will you?"
Frodo watched, powerless, as the Doctor picked up the black notebook.

OoO

As soon as the Doctor's fingers closed around the Death Note, a strange, demon like creature blinked into existence in front of him.
"You let him touch it," said the demon to Frodo.
"Who- Who are you?" asked the Doctor, taken aback.
"Me?" asked the demon, gesturing at himself. "I am Shinigami Ryuk, a death god."
"So shinigamis actually exist," said the Doctor with wonder.
"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" said Ryuk. The Doctor guessed that the death god was laughing.
"So this must be your Death Note! This is a real Death Note! That. Is Amazing!"
"It's mine," said Frodo, reaching out to take the book off the Doctor. The Doctor held it out of his reach.
"Oh no you don't. These things are dangerous."
"Give it back! There are things I need to do with that!"
"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" laughed Ryuk. "You people are so funny to watch."
"Things you need to- Things you need to do?" exclaimed the Doctor. "You mean people you want to kill. I can't let you do that, Mr Frodo Baggins."
A wild, feral look appeared in Frodo's eyes and, in a feat not usually accomplishable by a hobbit, he leapt across the desk and onto the Doctor's back.
"Give me the Death Note!" he snarled.
"Over my dead body," snarled the Doctor equally viciously. "You can't wield the power to do that, you're a hobbit!" It was at that point that Frodo punched him in the face.
"Give me my precious!"
"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk," laughed Ryuk, enjoying himself. Finally the Doctor managed to throw Frodo down on the floor.
"I'm really sorry, but it's for your own good. I'm going to have to destroy this."
"You can't," said Frodo. "It can only be destroyed by the fires of Mordor."
"You've been reading too many fantasy novels," laughed the Doctor. "I'll chuck it in the fire in the living room."

OoO

The Doctor ran back through to the living room, hoping that the fire was still lit.
"Where have you been?" asked Bilbo, who was stood in the middle of the room clutching a large seedcake.
"Oh, I've just got a job to do, sorry," said the Doctor. He reached over and dropped the notebook into the fire where it burnt with a bright orange flame.
"What was that?" asked Bilbo curiously.
"It was a-" He caught Frodo glaring at him. "It was my diary..."
"Oh, alright," said Bilbo, a little bemused. "Would you like some cake now? I'm getting rather hungry."

OoO

"I'll just go wash these dishes," said Bilbo, gesturing at the crumb covered plates. The Doctor patted his full stomach; he could swear he had put on a whole stone.
"That was wonderful cake, Mr Bilbo, thank you. Just what I needed," he said. Bilbo smiled.
"It was my pleasure," he said. He gathered up the plates and left the room with them balanced precariously on his arm.
"Light was much more fun to play with," muttered Ryuk.
"Well this 'Light' person didn't have me around to watch out for him, did he?" said the Doctor, smugly.
"I'm outta here," said Ryuk, and he disappeared. Bilbo walked back in.
"Scones and jam, anyone?" he asked.
"Ooh, don't mind if I do," said the Doctor, licking his lips. He had space for a bit more food.

The End

Well... That seemed to turn into a crack fic by the end, but who cares. Here you go, my lovelies.