Chapter Five

In Which the Heroine Does Not Freak Out (Seriously)

Mark nods his head to me and grins. Seriously? He's just going to sit there and pretend that he isn't a lying, cheating ex-dirty mistress who got punched in the face the last time he was here?

"Meredith," he says. "Nice to see you again."

Apparently he is.

"Mark," I say, trying to keep my voice even.

What is he doing here? I wonder. Then it hits me – Addison. She must have told him about the divorce.

"So, how's life been treating you?" he asks me, giving me another grin.

I have just learned it is possible to meet someone who is completely shameless.

"More of the same," I answer.

"That's not what I heard," he counters.

I narrow my eyes. And what exactly had he heard? I bet I can guess. "Meredith is a whore." "Meredith stole my husband." "Meredith had Dirty Exam Room Sex with Derek."

"Dirty Exam Room Sex, huh?" Mark asks. "I hadn't heard anything about that."

Damn. Okay, Meredith, from now on you will not say what you're thinking out loud.

"You weren't supposed to," I tell him pointedly.

He doesn't seem at all phased. Shameless ass.

"Besides," he continues, ignoring the dirty looks I'm giving him. "I don't think Derek is in the habit of referring to himself in the third person."

What? Huh? Derek?

It is at that exact moment that the elevator doors ping open, and Mark steps out, leaving me gaping after him.

I spend the rest of the elevator ride deep in thought. Actually, I spend the rest of the ride in a state of near-hysteria, but "deep in thought" sounds better.

Derek called Mark. Derek called Mark. Derek called Mark. Derek called Mark. No matter how many times I try to say it to myself, it doesn't make sense. I think it'd be easier to think "Cristina loves George". Okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration, but the fact that I can actually think of thinking of Cristina and George together proves that I am seriously freaking out right now. Because Cristina and George? Ew.

But back to the source of all the insanity. Why would Derek call Mark? Derek hates Mark. Mark slept with Addison in Derek's bed on his maybe-favorite sheets (Izzie never was clear on whether he liked the flannel or not). Derek definitely wouldn't want Mark here, especially not now.

Except, it turns out, he does.

I don't know why, but somehow it never crosses my mind that Mark lied. He doesn't have any reason to, since we – Well, we might not be friends, but we do both share "Dirty Mistress" status, so I suppose that gives us some sort of twisted bond. We're both the people who the Shepherds left. I guess that makes us the lost sheep, doesn't it?

I snort at that thought. Now I'm even more relieved than usual for the empty elevator. When I snort, it isn't a good thing. I don't have a Miss Congeniality problem, or anything, but it isn't exactly my most alluring sound.

Derek thought I was cute when I snort.

And just like that, my good mood is gone. Back to the wallowing.

I step out of the elevator and head over to the nurse's desk. I give Debbie the folder, but before I can go, she calls my name.

"Dr. Grey?" she asks.

Uh oh. I get a very bad feeling. It's not pole-through-your-chest bad, or Code Black bad, but it's plenty bad enough. But I can't follow through on my urge to run away. For one thing, I can't afford to upset the nurses any more then usual (rectals and vomit tend to give me an even worse feeling), and besides that, I don't exactly have the best track record with running away from my problems in this hospital.

So, I only let out a small sigh (as opposed to a large scream), turn back around, and say, "Yes, Debbie?"

She pins me with her special "need to know" look. It's the one she gets when she's on the prowl for some new gossip. Now, she's nice, and a good person, and certainly not a dirty mistress or a whore, but when Debbie thinks there's some good gossip to be had, she's like a vulture. She spots the carnage and she swoops in for the spoils. It's kind of scary.

"I hear Mark Sloane is back," she says oh-so-casually.

She heard Mark Sloane is back? How? He's been in the hospital for, like, six minutes. Does she have some kind of freaky super power? Or a weird neurological disorder like the psychic guy? At the very least, she has to have some weird sensor for anything that could ruin…the miserable train wreck that pretends to be my life.

"Yeah," I nod.

"He's a very attractive man, isn't he?" she asks, still using that faux-casual tone.

"Uh huh," I nod again. I think that's going to be my entire half of this conversation. It's definitely the safest route to go. I mean, how much trouble can you get in for nodding?

"So what does Dr. Shepherd think about this?" she probes.

So much for the nodding plan.

"I wouldn't know," I say, turning away. "You'd have to ask him. I have to go, um, check on my patient."

I hurry down the hall as fast as I can. I can feel her looking after me. Great, now everyone in the hospital is going to know that Mark is back…and that Derek signed the papers.

I start breathing a little faster. They are all going to know. They'll all expect me to go back to him. They will all know that he left Addison for me, especially if he keeps acting the way he has been today. Eventually, someone is going to remember seeing Callie lead me out of the exam room…the same room Derek was in. Someone will remember that horrific scene with Finn and Derek. Someone is going to wonder why I ran away from them and out the door. Someone is going to remember seeing me at Joe's, and wonder why I left the two handsome men who were both offering me a ride.

Someone will figure it out. Someone else will know that I broke up the Shepherds' marriage. Then the whispers are going to start again. Whore. Slut. Home wrecker. It'll be just like before. Like high school. Like college. Like it was after Derek picked another woman.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. Someone help me. I can't breathe.

"She slept with an attending."

"I bet she knew about his wife all along."

"I would've done it. Have you seen him?"

"No one can have hair that perfect."

"I know, and she probably got all the good surgeries because of it."

I can't stop hearing them. I can't stop hearing the whispers.

"What a slut."

"I bet the Chief will kick her out."

"Ellis Grey's daughter? No way. He'll probably just ignore it."

"What do you think Shepherd will do?"

"We already know that."

"The other one. She's probably loving this."

"I bet. But she's been alright with Meredith before. I think she's too classy to care."

"I think she's too stuck-up to care."

"Right. There's no way Meredith Grey can measure up to her."

"Well, duh. The woman's, like, the best neonatal surgeon in the country, there's no way Grey's good enough."

The fog is back. Everything is so far away. Is that me gasping like that? It doesn't feel like it is, but someone sounds like they're hyperventilating. I should get them a paper bag to breathe in, but I won't. I can't. What does it matter?

Derek got me a paper bag. Derek was kind, and sweet, and he was gentle, and he understood. He was McDreamy. My McDreamy. Except he wasn't. He never has been. He was Addison's, and now he's no one's, because I can't take this. I can't breathe, and I want to breathe, but I don't, because maybe if I don't, this will all end, and I can finally stop being afraid.

And I am so afraid of so many things. I'm afraid that Izzie will never get better, and that Cristina will finally snap and cry for Burke and his bullet wound and how scared she was. I'm afraid that I'm too scary and damaged to be anything but scary and damaged. I'm afraid that George is still a little bit in love with me, and that I really did break him. I'm afraid that I'm an evil, slutty mistress, and that I broke Addison, too, and that that's why Derek called Mark. I'm afraid that I will never be able to say the words "my McDreamy" and have them be true. I'm afraid that I'm an honest-to-goodness whore who will never, ever get to have happily ever after.

I'm afraid I'll be alone.

The person who was sort of hyperventilating earlier is really hyperventilating now. Someone needs to help her. Why isn't anyone helping her?

People. There are people in the hall now. Vague, blurry, shapes that I know are supposed to be real, live human beings, but I can't get my mind around that right now. They're all coming out of a room, and I think I know that there was a surgery that just finished, but I don't, because I don't know anything except here and now and fear and pain.

And then he is here. He is the only thing in here and now. He is in front of me, and he is saying something that I can't hear, because he's smiling for a second, and his eyes are all crinkly again.

But the smile goes away, and somewhere I feel a sharp, deep pain, but it only lasts a moment, and then there is a new here and now.

"She's my wife."

He opens his mouth again, but suddenly those are the only words I can hear. Over and over again, until I think they are the only words I'll ever hear.

He keeps looking at me, and he looks worried. He keeps saying something, and I keep hearing him say something else, and his eyes aren't crinkly anymore.

And then he grabs my arms, and I can't take it anymore.

"Don't touch me," I try to say, but someone else says it first.

Who is she, anyway? Because that can't be me, I can't sound that desperate, that lost, that afraid. It isn't me who sounds like I'm falling apart.

But, who is she?

I'm moving again, and there's all this fog, but somehow I'm stumbling into a room, and I still can't freaking breathe.

Footsteps. I hear footsteps. I can't hear anything else but someone (who isn't me) breathing way too hard, and someone else's footsteps.

Then he's in the room with me, only this time he looks worried with just a hint of anger, instead of angry with just a hint of worry, like he did at the prom before the Dirty Exam Room Sex.

I look around to make sure I'm not in an Exam Room to have Sex in, but I can't see anything right. I notice every detail of his eyes, and his hair, and his hands, and his mouth, but I can't tell what's in this room.

The girl is breathing even faster right now, and somehow, I know that she's a girl and not a woman because she doesn't want to be an adult right now. But then I stop trying to notice the room and go back to looking at Derek, and I can't help but think that there are good things about being a woman.

And suddenly, I can't hear it anymore. Derek isn't choosing Addison instead of me. He's saying something else. I can't hear him over the woman's breathing.

Her breathing slows down a little, and now I can hear what he is saying.

"-and I know I screwed up the first time and picked Addison, but I had to try. She was my wife. But even that wasn't enough, because I love you. So would you please just give me a chance to try to fix things and tell me what's wrong?"

Because I love you.

Now, something else is repeating in my head, but that's okay, because he loves me. He loves me. Me, Meredith Grey, the intern who screwed her boss, and broke George, and has been called a slut/skank/whore way too many times to count. Me.

The fog is still here, but it isn't getting in the way of me asking him,

"You love me?"

He freezes, and for one awfulterriblehorrifying second, I can't breathe, and I hear the girl's voice asking "You love me?" in this needy, hopeful, desperately happy way that seems to linger in the air for eternity.

But then he leans forward and kisses me, and I realize that I kind of hate the fog.