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Is it funny that I think I know exactly how I'm going to die? I guess it just a feeling, but it feels almost like an inevitable thought... Would you like to know how? I'm going to die by getting stabbed. Some sort of murderer is going to grab my skinny neck and stab me until my very last bloody breath. Images wander into my head of a masked man that I swear I've seen before, and he wants me dead. I can't do anything, it's going to happen anyways. Besides, he has the Operator on his side.

And it's probably bad that I'm expecting to die before I'm fifty. No, scratch that. I want to die before I'm fifty. Not only that, but it feels... Natural. I'm expecting it. Perhaps I've corrupted my brain with thoughts about death that I picked up from countless horror movies. Or maybe... I can even predict this kind of thing. I feel like I've been very connected lately. Just with small things, like predicting almost exactly the things people are about to say. But even as small a feat that is, it's still something.

Sometimes I don't feel in control of my mind or body. One day I'll feel like I'm perfectly fine, and everything is so vivid, and real. I'll feel like an actual person, in control of everything. I won't give a second thought about anything except what's happening at the moment. Then the next day I'll feel completely out of it. Like I'm in a dream, or a movie, just watching with some amusement at what is happening around me. It's like nothing I'm doing or saying is actually me doing or saying things. Almost like someone else is in control, like I'm just a puppet. Other days, however, my mind and body feel completely split. I'll feel like I'm only in my mind and this body is not really mine. Every nerve feels numb... frozen. Or... I'll feel in complete control of my actions, but my mind and what I'm thinking is simply not me.

I'm a masochist. Maybe it's the out of body feeling I feel so often that makes me want pain. Because pain is never really felt in dreams. Pain is a real life sort of thing. Blood... helps. Seeing it makes me so adrenaline hyper, it's almost as if I'm on a roller coaster. It's so real, when everything else around me seems almost... staged. Like everyone is an actor. Events are planned. Is this what 'Fate' is like? Because it feels like no matter what I do, everything works out for me in the end. Is that why I look for trouble? Wishing I lived by myself and taking walks in the dead of night in my dark as hell neighborhood? Watching horror movies and searching for reasons to be afraid? Is this normal, like a thrill seeking experience? Or something more...? As soon as I had wandered into the 'know' about the existence of the Operator, I want him to... kill me. I wanted to be near trees, and even looked for him. I put myself in front of danger to feel the real life pain of deep, deep fear.

I know I would never find him, he is only visible to cameras... and to those he is about to kill. I've seen him before though, just once. A tall shadow that flickers on the edge of my mind's eye. Only once have a gotten a good glance. It was years ago, I was a child no taller than three feet. Laying in a make-shift fort facing the door to the hallway, my best friend and I slept. However, I felt like there was something wrong. Everything was dark, except for the light coming in right through my doorway from the hall. I awoke, and saw something that has stayed with me to this day. A pair of legs, just standing there. Tall legs, I couldn't really see anything else. Legs dressed in all black. I had no idea what they were there for, and being as small as I was, it's not like I would go up to them. My conscious kept me in bed, and I slowly fell asleep. In the morning, I told everyone. They shrugged it off and told me I had a very creative mind.