Well, I guess you know you are obsessed when every song you hear reminds you of some aspects of our favorite detective and writer relationship. And there are so many of them it's ridiculous!
thanks again to my grumpy beta. and you say Aussie's are nice. :)
I Don't own them, but I do want them!
"Even now when we already over, I can't help myself from looking for you…." Adele.
He was a wreck, shattered into thousands of tiny little pieces and as hard as he tried, he honestly couldn't remember the last time he felt this bad.
Every part of his body hurt and the worst part of it was that the cure to his horrible condition was nowhere to be found.
It's been days since he saw her, heard her mesmerizing voice, even longer since the last time he saw her smile that dazzling smile of hers. The one that lighten up her entire face and left him utterly breathless. The same one he had sworn to spend the rest of his life trying to bring to her face.
And he tried, he really did. In those dark days in the hospital that's all he been trying to do. But it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.
He had failed her and himself once again, and all he could pray for was one more chance, one more shot at trying to make her smile. Nothing more. He couldn't even think, hope for anything beyond that. Just to see her smile.
It seemed like life refused to give them a break. Every time they managed to overcome an obstacle, there was another one waiting for them just around the corner, lurking in the shadows, waiting for its chance to bring them down.
He had never really had a chance to ponder much of all they've been through in the past months. There was always something new, another case, another challenge, another life threatening event and he needed to be strong for her, keep her safe, keep her happy.
They never talked about any of it, it wasn't who they were. Well, it wasn't who she was. But even if they were, it felt like there was never time for it. So he let it go, let the moment pass. There would be another time. A better time. Only he never thought that time would run out. There were a limited amount of chances a man can get, and he blew them all.
As long as she was near, he could deal with not dealing with it. But now she was gone and the light left with her, leaving him with darkness and endless time to analyze everything to thin dust.
Passing through the events in his mind he could feel it all over again.
The heat radiating from her apartment as it blew up. The cold metal of the gun pressed to his head, the tight ropes bounding him to the chair while he waited for Tyson to take his shot. The freezing cold that seemed to crawl to his core while he held her body close to his, trying to pass her what little warmth was left in him.
The rush of adrenaline, his heart racing as they stood in front of the bomb counting down the second, saying with their eyes the words they had never said aloud. And then the final nail to his crumbling heart, watching her tumble to the ground, her eyes burning with shock, and pain, and emotions he couldn't understand in his dulled state, only seeing her white glove covered with blood. Her blood.
Each memory was another ton of concrete crushing his heart until finally he found it hard to breathe. He really needed to stop doing this to himself.
When she told him she needed a break he was devastated but hopeful.
A break means they have something she needs a break from, a break is a temporary condition, it has a beginning and an end.
At first he thought she just needed a couple of days to mourn, and cry, and recuperate by herself. She's too damn proud to allow him to see her like that, let him support her like he wanted too. Like he promised he would. Always.
He didn't believe she'd be able to stay away longer than that. Not from her job, not from her friends, not from him. He was climbing the walls an hour after her departure. Two days? No. she won't manage it.
But then two days turned to three, then four and five and he started to panic.
He was scared she wouldn't come back. He was selfishly scared she would manage to overcome her distress by herself and realize she doesn't need him.
Scared she will finally realize the truth, that it was all entirely his fault and resent him for it.
And it was. He knew it was.
He hated himself for reopening her mother's case in a childish act to prove himself to her.
Hated he was so damn naive to believe they could solve it together, that if he was there, she wouldn't fall back down the rabbit hole.
Hated himself for not being a better man, a smarter man for her, for not discovering Roy was the third man sooner, for not being able to prevent his death, for not being able to take the bullet for her.
So much hate. And he wasn't sure he deserved redemption.
Not for the first time in that past week, he thought that maybe she was right. Maybe she was better off without him. Being the funniest kid in school wasn't enough for her any more, but what else could he be?
He played with the idea of asking the guys to track her phone, just so they'll know she's all right but he wasn't sure he could handle if they refuse.
Wasn't sure if he could handle if they do agree. Wasn't sure he'd be able to stop himself from storming over there and banging on her door until she agrees to come back home.
So eventually he decided he needs to get out, get away from the city, away from the haunting memories and the guilt, the pain, and the excruciating longing.
Gina was, of course, more than thrilled to arrange a promotional tour for the book, but soon it turned to frustration when he refused to leave for more than two weeks. He couldn't bear the thought of not being there when she eventually returned.
If she'll return. No, when. Definitely when.
Like everything else in his life since he met his detective, planning the tour only provided temporary distraction. She was never far enough from his thoughts. All he needed to do was close his eyes and she was there.
By the end of the first day, he realized that going on tour was probably the stupidest idea he ever had. Promoting a book that was written about her, talking about it countless time a day, about his work at the 12th, about his "inspiration" as a strategy to distract him was plain dumb.
Each time he opened the book to sign it, his dedication mocked him from the white page like an endless torture, reminding him both of promise and disappointment.
He looked for her in every book store, his eyes scanning the line of people hoping to recognize her familiar face amongst the sea of people.
But he never did. She was never there. Finally he stopped looking. She wasn't coming. She had enough. They were over.
Tomorrow was the last day of the tour. He was going home. Though he didn't know what was going to happen once he got there, he knew it was time, and that he had enough.
Enough of running, enough of hiding, enough of the guilt trip and the pain.
Alexis was leaving for college soon and he needed to focus on her.
She had been beyond amazing through all this, giving him time to grieve and find his way back on his own.
She deserved better than this, she deserved her dad and not this ragged person who formerly was the great Richard Castle.
So no more running around NY city streets chasing criminals, no more missing breakfast because of a dead body, no more missing good night kisses for theory building over take-out. No more any of that.
From now on, he would put all of his time in his daughter. At least she let him be there for her. She doesn't push him away. She cared about his feelings, about his needs.
Yeah, he will devote himself to Alexis. That's a good plan. A solid plan. Nothing can go wrong with that. He had done it all her life.
He screwed up Kate's life enough. It's time to let her move on, even if it kills him.