"I gave you the space so you could breathe, I've kept my distance so you would be free.
And hope that you find the missing piece to bring you back to me" -Adele.
She remembers jumping out of bed to the sound of her alarm clock.
She can even remember the stab of pain that burned her muscles from her stupidly rushed movement.
She vaguely remembers it was so bad she considered taking painkillers but quickly deciding against it, needing to keep a clear mind for the things to come.
But the rest was a foggy blur of mixed memories.
It had happened to her before, whenever she got lost in her own head, consumed by her thoughts and feelings, her mind switched to autopilot, performing the
mundane tasks, leaving the rest of her free to reflect on the issue in hand.
Her mind was racing as fast as the landscape flashing past her eyes as she rode back to the city she escaped only weeks ago, trying to determine her next step in this
atrocious mess she now calls her life.
She wasn't at all surprised to find herself less than an hour later parked outside the book store. It was only fair that her subconscious mind would take her to him.
She was, however, surprised that she didn't seem to feel guilty about not needing to see Josh, or even her father, first.
She spent the last two weeks building a firm and solid plan to regain control on her life. She refused to let that broken girl she had seen in the mirror the night she
decided to leave take up permanent residency in her body.
She had a plan, and the first step was to salvage whatever that remained of her relationship with Castle.
She knew with a certainty she never knew before, that once she had her writer back the rest will be easy to achieve.
The down side was that she wasn't as certain as to how she's actually going to do that or what it is she wants from him, from them.
She asked him once not so long ago "what are we", and she's been asking herself that question more and more these days. She still doesn't know the answer and if
there is one thing Kate Beckett hates more than anything is an open question.
Yet she didn't know what they are, she just knew she needed to see him.
Baby steps.
And the first one requires her to step down from her bike, walk through those glass doors, stroll past the book shelves and…. well, she'll have to figure that part when
she gets there.
She absently stared at the glass doors as if waiting for a reason, any reason to get up when she caught a glimpse of Paula disappearing behind a book shelf.
Her heart skipped a bit and her whole body tensed just at the mere chance she might see him pass the same way.
Her palms were sweaty and she unconsciously held her breath as her eyes began to scan the windows looking for his tall frame.
A minute past and by the second she felt ridiculous. She hasn't seen him yet and she already started to lose it.
She averted her gaze to the line of people, her mind drifting to different time when she waited in a similar line to see the very same man.
So many things had happened since then it almost feel foreign, like someone else's memory rather her own.
For a moment she got lost in her own thoughts again but when her mind registered a movement in the line, her body finally kicked into action forcing her to join the line before it was too late. She couldn't miss her chance.
There were too many missed opportunities in their story and to be honest she wasn't sure how many more they could stand before they finally break.
As she waited for her turn to walk through the glass doors, she had a chance to study the line of people around her. Mostly women. Mostly young. Mostly blonde.
She was once again surprised that she didn't find it in herself to be bothered by it any more.
It used to. Before.
Before she got to know the real Castle, before she realized he had just as many layers and masks as she does, before she trusted him with her life but only after she trusted him with her heart.
She knew he had a public image that he nurtured to protect himself, to keep the rest of the world outside the privacy of his walls, and she liked that she was one of the few who could see it.
The one who got the privilege to see his pure heart and sensitive soul and be on the receiving end of his endless, unlimited affection and care.
She was a lucky woman, she knows that now. So no, she couldn't care less about the long line of women, mostly young, mostly blonde who waited for their chance to charm a white whale because maybe they all waited to see a man, but it was most definitely not the same man that she saw.
It wasn't long before it was her turn to feel the cold breath of the air conditioner as she stepped in the store.
The cold air did nothing to ease her nerves or slow her frantic heart beat.
She was still far, too far to be able to see him but she was closing in and the feelings she suppressed in the last two weeks surfaced back with a vengeance.
She grabbed the new Heat book from a nearby desk, fighting the urge to flip the book and look at his charming face smiling back at her.
She wanted to see the real smile, the one he saved just for her when she finally saw him. She had waited too long to compromise on anything less than that.
So instead she took another step closer in her journey to him and opened the book.
What turned out to be a mistake.
One word. How can one word say so much and yet not nearly enough.
She slowly moved her fingers across the printed word, caressing it just as the word caressed her heart.
It was in this point that she really started to lose her patience. She gave one last look to the dedication and closed the book, determined to find the way to fix this.
And it was with her next step that her heart stopped. Literally. It was for a split second, hardly noticeable but still, it stopped.
It took every bit of her will power to stop her body from running straight to him, rationalizing herself that it will draw too much attention and the last thing she need is a page 6 article that involved her and Castle.
So instead she took a deep breath and studied him like the detective she was.
The first thing she noticed is that he looked tired and even though his body was hidden mostly behind a desk she was almost certain he had lost weight.
It's been a while since she last felt it and she almost missed it completely but she realized the knot in her stomach was the connection, this awareness that made her sense when he's around and she was almost hurt that he didn't seem to feel it too.
But then she looked, really looked at him and she could see how terribly wrong she was. She was waiting in line to see a man, but he wasn't the man she was looking for. Hoping for. Craving for.
He hardly raised his head from the table, giving a weak fake smile to the next fan that stood in front of him.
His eyes were missing the warmth she used to see in them. They were lacking the rare, unique, endearing, childish excitement that makes him, Castle.
As she stepped closer to claim her spot in front of his desk, she swore once again she was going to fix this and then spend the rest of her life making sure he will never,
ever lose the spark from his eyes again.
As she rested the book in front of him she held her breath prepared for the inevitable moment when he'll raise his head to look at her and she will see at close range
the damage she had caused. It was only when she drew her hand back, she realized she was shaking.
But it never came. He never raised his head. Just opened the book and asked in a low voice who he should dedicate it to.
For a moment she lost her voice, the lump in her throat keeping the words from escaping. She wasn't sure what the right answer to this question is.
She could say Nikki but it was too cheesy, she didn't feel much like Beckett at the moment. She wasn't sure if they were still partners let alone friends.
She was left with one thing, the only thing she can offer him.
"Kate. Dedicate it to Kate".
I don't usually fish for reviews but I really struggled with this one and any feedback good or bad is appreciated.
one last thanks to my fearless beta. your old but I still love you :)