Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.
Special thanks to beta Notes From the Classroom...who should start posting her story "Crossing the Equator" again soon. Put it on your alert! (That's a hint, Notes).
Chapter 13
Noyoto tried to lift his eyelids but thought better of it. He did his best to take in a deep breath - and failed. T'Spock's leg thrown over his stomach made it impossible. Despite her smaller size, her denser bone and muscle mass made her nearly as heavy as him. He made no effort to push off the leg depriving him of oxygen.
He had no feeling in one arm, but he could feel the soft silky brush of hair beneath his chin.
He was too hot.
Fluttering his eyes just a little, he found the corner of the duvet and pulled it down so half of him was exposed to the cool air of T'Spock's apartment in San Francisco. T'Spock did not move.
They had just docked the day before. The final leg of the Enterprise's journey had been exhausting for everyone. And then as soon as they hit planet they were dragged off to be interrogated by Starfleet Intelligence.
Well, SI called it "briefing."
As soon as Noyoto and T'Spock had been dismissed, they'd come here. They'd fallen together immediately, without preamble, without discussing Starfleet Intelligence, or the Enterprise's fate, or their future. Just as they had on the Enterprise that first time - and any moment they'd gotten alone on the trip home after that.
And it had felt right, every time. But now...
Noyoto rubbed his chin against the head tucked beneath it. T'Spock still did not move.
With his free hand he found her fingers. Closing his eyes he let his mind drift until he felt that familiar sensation of weightlessness. Noyoto had found telepathy, or empathy as T'Spock called it, was its own language. Instead of seeing or hearing the language, he felt it in the weight in his gut, the heat of his blood, along the hairs on the back of his neck...and in moments of passion in other places.
Noyoto was psi-null, but once the bridge between their minds was established, he didn't have to be a passive participant. If he focused on emotions or sensations, he could transmit them to T'Spock. If he focused his mind on something he wanted to find, he could feel...
...nothing...emptiness. He blinked and for a moment panicked; he half sat up. Was she breathing?
T'Spock stirred on his chest. She flexed her fingers against his. He felt a pleasant buzz along the length of his body where her body touched his, and heard a soft noise, almost like a purr. He felt a spark across his fingers and then T'Spock lifted her eyes to his.
"I startled you," she said, her black eyes blinking up at his.
Sinking back into the mattress, Noyoto said, "When I touched your hand I didn't feel anything."
Dropping her head back to his chest, T'Spock said, "I was meditating." She flexed her fingers against his and he felt the flush of her gratitude. "It is the first time I have since..."
She didn't finish, but she didn't have to. Squeezing her fingers, he kissed the top of her head. He was moved beyond words to think that he had given her some relief. But something still nagged at him.
He traced his fingers down hers, lifting up their arms as he did. There was a large green welt on her perfect alabaster skin. He had similar marks.
He wouldn't have thought he could really get into that sort of thing, but the empathic link between them made the act of marking each other's bodies very...stimulating. T'Spock seemed to need it.
What had she called it? An obsessive-compulsive territorial marking behavior.
T'Spock followed his eyes. He felt her body hum against his. Moving his fingers from hers, he traced the welt.
T'Spock literally purred.
Smiling, Noyoto said, "Never let it be said I'm not culturally sensitive."
Lifting her head, T'Spock arched an eyebrow. T'Spock's eyebrow arches had many meanings; this one Noyoto interpreted as a laugh. He smiled at her and T'Spock swung her full body over him. Reached down with her lips she nipped his collarbone. But not hard. Pinning his hands to the sheets with her own, she lifted her mouth to his and he felt that now familiar alien darkness rise behind his eyes. He burned to be closer to her, to be inside her again, to let passion bury everything that had occurred in the last few days, but he felt something else...
Pulling his legs up underneath him he flipped them over, reversing their positions.
Fingers intertwined he said, "What are you holding back?"
Turning her head, T'Spock tried to pull her fingers away, but Noyoto wouldn't let her. He swallowed, he shouldn't...it was wrong...there should be no demands.
But he found he couldn't hold back. "Tell me," he said.
The blackness behind his eyes disappeared and was replaced with a wall.
Noyoto's heart sank. Closing his eyes, he let himself fall to the sheets by her side. He kissed the nape of her neck and whispered, "I'm sorry."
And he was. And wasn't. He wasn't a fool. He was in love. It wasn't the first time -
And it was great, but the stakes were higher. It was harder to be casual. To be cool. To be the undemanding lover she needed.
T'Spock exhaled a long breath. Closing her eyes she said, "I believe my duty to my people may compel me to resign from Starfleet and assist in the colonization of a new Vulcan home world."
He didn't like the sound of that.
"You know," said Noyoto, "My parents were separated for long periods of time during their marriage while my father was in the fleet and my mother was in the diplomatic corps." True, they had been older, had been together as a couple longer before their separation, and Noyoto wasn't even sure he was ready for that with T'Spock...but he wasn't sure he wasn't ready.
T'Spock opened her eyes. But said nothing.
Drawing back from her, Noyoto felt the dry heat of bitterness in his mouth. "But I'm guessin' by assisting in colonization you're not talking about building roads and bridges."
"In part it would -" said T'Spock.
"Right," said Noyoto sitting up and swinging his legs over the bed. Rubbing his face with his hands, he said, "You're going to sacrifice all your training, your career, and your duty to the fleet to make some Vulcan babies."
...and she'd sacrifice him, but he wasn't going to say that.
"There is more to it than that..." said T'Spock.
"Really?" said Noyoto turning to look at her. He felt his face go hot. "Please don't tell me you're already married, or bonded or whatever Vulcans call it -"
Propping herself up on her elbows, T'Spock said evenly, "I am not bonded."
The sheet had fallen away from her bare chest...that Noyoto couldn't look at that moment.
Turning away and clenching his jaw, he said, "Will you even know him?"
Sitting upright beside him, without touching him, T'Spock, "Most likely not." She spoke the words as calmly as she would if she were reciting stats on subspace signal strength.
Gesturing towards the bed Noyoto said, "So what is this, a scientific experiment?"
"No!"
Noyoto looked at her. Her eyes were wide, her lips slightly parted. She lifted her hand towards his temple; it trembled in the air between them.
"Please," said T'Spock.
Noyoto just stared at her.
"I..." T'Spock closed her eyes. "I...this time...Later when I need strength, I will think of it. It will..." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "Lift me."
And he was lost.
Taking that trembling hand and pushing it to his temple, he dropped his lips to hers.
x x x x
T'Spock was in darkness. Longing, sadness, anger, frustration and tenderness filled her mind.
Blinking awake, she found Noyoto's eyes on hers. They lay on their sides, she beneath a duvet, his naked body in the open air. Their bodies only touched where his fingers brushed her temples.
He let out a breath and then said, "You know, T'Spock, the only defense force that the new Vulcan colony will have is Starfleet, diminished as it is. It is logical to remain in Starfleet to protect the new Vulcan."
T'Spock felt her stomach sink. His argument was logical - if the males of her kind did not undergo Pon Farr, she would readily take to the heavens without guilt or a second thought.
Pausing his fingers on her temples, Noyoto said, "You don't want to go...T'Spock, I feel it."
It was true, the oasis of his arms, the relative calm of his mind, the small moments of humor...she feared leaving them.
"I..." T'Spock said. Should she explain the greatest shame of the Vulcan race?
The comm rang and then the caller ID said, "Amanda Grayson."
T'Spock looked to the comm and back to Noyoto.
He fell back but not before T'Spock felt the sinking sensation of defeat across her temples.
Rubbing his eyes with his hands he said, "It's your mother, T'Spock. Answer it."
T'Spock scrambled to pull the top she normally wore to bed over her shoulders and then picked the comm up, careful to keep Noyoto out of the frame.
As her mother's image flickered to life, T'Spock's eyes grew wide at the scene behind Amanda. "Mother," T'Spock said, "You are in San Francisco!" In Starfleet's hangar, to be precise. T'Spock had not expected her for two more days at least. Ships were currently diverted to rescue missions. Her mother and Spock's shuttle had been grounded at Ortz station.
Amanda smiled a smile that did not extend to her eyes. T'Spock touched the screen. Her mother wasn't truly happy...she understood that because she saw the expression through her father's memories. Amanda was merely "putting on a brave face."
"Spock and I were picked up by Sybok..." She closed her eyes. "He has changed a great deal, T'Spock." Amanda sighed and T'Spock knew she had to be there - even if it was only for a few minutes in the hour and seventeen minutes she had before she had to go back on duty.
T'Spock had Noyoto to cling to these past few terrible days, and she had Sarek's memories, too. Her mother was alone in her mind.
T'Spock looked up at Noyoto. He mouthed the word, "Go."
"I'm heading now to the house," said Amanda.
The house in Sunset District, where she'd lived with Sarek when they first married. "I will be there in 27 minutes," said T'Spock."
x x x x
Amanda leaned into T'Spock, and T'Spock withdrew her hand from her mother's forehead. They sat on the couch in the living room of the small house.
"Thank you," said Amanda, putting her head on T'Spock's shoulder. T'Spock felt warm wetness in the fabric of her uniform coat.
"Thank you, for letting me see him again," said Amanda, "If only for a short time."
T'Spock nodded. "You are welcome."
She took her mother's elbows in her hands. There was no rush for her to leave. The Vulcan Embassy had requested that all survivors report to the nearest Embassy or Consulate and register their status. That was where Sybok and her alternate self were now, and Captain Pike had given her leave for the day to do so also.
"How long can you keep him?" her mother murmured into T'Spock's shoulder.
"A few months is all that is normally deemed healthy," said T'Spock. "When I join the colonists on New Vulcan I will find a healer and a suitable vessel for transference."
Drawing back, Amanda dropped her hands into T'Spock's and said, "Join the colonists? You won't stay with Starfleet?"
Through the empathic contact T'Spock could feel mixed emotions of relief and concern.
Looking down at their joined hands, T'Spock said, "I do not know..."
She looked away, and said, "Mother, there are more male survivors than female."
Amanda drew in a long breath. "So?"
"So I believe it is my duty to seek out a Vulcan bondmate."
Surprise fluttered across the link.
"But I thought you and Noyoto...were bonded..." said her mother.
Shocked, T'Spock looked up at her mother's eyes, still red with tears. "Why?"
Amanda blinked. "I...I...I don't know." Looking away she said, "I even had this idea that he was with you when I called."
"We are not bonded," said T'Spock.
Amanda's eyes met T'Spock's again. "Well, it does not matter. You're only half Vulcan, I just know they'll try to bond you with someone unsuitable..."
T'Spock raised an eyebrow, "Someone as unsuitable as I am? Surely they have as much a right to life?"
Amanda's eyes narrowed. Anger flashed across T'Spock's finger pads. "They don't have to confine themselves to Vulcan women. They can look outside of their species. And if they don't consider that an option, well, maybe they don't deserve to live."
T'Spock pulled herself away from her mother. "I am sure that no Vulcan with such a prejudice would agree to bond with me."
"Not if they're in their right mind," said Amanda.
T'Spock stood up.
"Tell me you won't accept an emergency bonding, T'Spock," Amanda said.
T'Spock had access to her father's memories; she knew why he had not allowed her to be bonded to Desalvic.
His bond to T'Yavi, Sybok's mother, had been an emergency bonding. T'Yavi had been coerced by her family at only 19 to bond with Sarek the same day he lost his bond mate. Sarek didn't really have memories of his Pon Farr, just of his consuming grief for his first mate's death - and of T'Yavi's bruised and beaten body when the fires of Pon Farr had passed.
After joining the V'tosh ka'tur T'Yavi committed suicide not long after Sybok's birth. The glimpses Sarek had into her mind made him certain her experience with him was partially to blame for her death.
And perhaps it was.
"I will not allow that to happen, Mother," T'Spock said. "I understand why father would not allow it."
Amanda tilted her head, "And you think he would have allowed what you are contemplating now?"
Lifting her head, T'Spock said, "Yes. You know he would have, Mother. He would have expected I would have grown to...have feelings with any Vulcan I bonded with." Just as he had slowly fallen in love with his first bondmate, T'Sala.
That strange tumultuous feeling T'Spock had for Noyoto Sarek had for both T'Sala and Amanda. Surely if it could happen to Sarek twice, it could happen to T'Spock, too. And Noyoto -
They had no agreement between them. He'd doubtlessly move on. As his bout with the Andorian flu showed, he could be much more cavalier in his physical relations. He'd probably move on more easily than she would. Perhaps a Vulcan bond-mate would be better for her. They would have similar upbringings in common, the same moral code...
...perhaps no humor, and perhaps their minds would be so similar their interactions would be almost...boring.
Amanda shook her head, "But T'Spock, you are not fully Vulcan. You don't know that will happen to you."
T'Spock swallowed. She did not know.
Looking away she said softly. "But Mother, there are so many."
x x x x
The line wound neatly out the door of the Vulcan Embassy and out into the garden. Here the gender ratio wasn't so skewed. But T'Spock noted almost every female she saw was accompanied by family. T'Spock didn't like the way some of the men's eyes followed the girls and young women with their parents. She didn't like the way eyes followed her.
Taking a deep breath, she moved to the back of the line and was hit by such a wave of desolation, despair and desperation she nearly fled. It took a moment for her to realize it was the despair of the Vulcans around her. Backing up a few paces, she put up her shields and then stepped back into the line.
And then at the borders of her consciousness she felt a familiar presence. It felt her shields and withdrew.
"Forgive him," her mother had said. "He didn't understand what was happening. He does now, T'Spock."
She didn't want to be alone here among her fellow refugees and their despair.
Closing her eyes, T'Spock sought out that retreating presence, and then felt an old warmth bloom in her mind.
"Sister!"
She opened her eyes and Sybok was there. He wore a beard and his hair was loose and disheveled, not Vulcan at all. He would be recognized as V'tosh ka'tur by everyone around them. Not that T'Spock cared.
"Spock was allowed to register earlier," said Sybok. "Elders were given priority in the line."
His face was drawn and T'Spock noticed that the roots of his hair appeared to be turning gray. He looked far older than his 36 years.
Sighing, Sybok said, "It has been...a difficult time...When I felt father die I...I decided to leave the colony. My decision was not well received."
His audible sigh in public was...off putting.
"Forgive me," said Sybok. "It has been a long time since I followed the ways of logic."
T'Spock felt his confusion, anger, and resentment across the mental channel between their minds.
Why was a display of emotion inherently illogical?
T'Spock blinked. The words were spoken aloud in her mind - the familial link between them had never been this strong.
"I..." Sybok said, "I must ask your forgiveness again. It is too much for me to intrude on your mind, but my..."
T'Spock held up two fingers and reached across the mental link. It is alright...Brother.
Sybok's frame visibly relaxed. He met her two fingers with his own and T'Spock felt a rush of gratitude.
Stepping closer to her, he scanned the crowd. You are lucky, he transmitted across the link. To be bonded during this time. But where is he? If he could feel how some of the less scrupulous males look at you he would not leave you alone in this crowd.
T'Spock's breath caught in her throat. But I am not bonded.
And then it was as though her mind was tumbling down a waterfall. Doubt. Confusion. Shame filled her mind, but it was not hers. It was Sybok's.
"I do not know how I could be mistaken," he said aloud, and the feeling of disorientation in his mind was almost physically painful.
Remembering her mother saying, "I thought you and Noyoto...were bonded...," T'Spock swallowed and gazed at the ground.
Without thinking, she moved with the line.
She wasn't bonded, was she? They weren't even bound by the fragile promises of humans. She looked at the empty faces around her and remembered the desperation and despair she'd felt earlier. How could she in good conscience turn away?
She wished she were bonded to Noyoto...then she wouldn't have to go through with this. Even Sarek would have declared it illogical to break a bond with a human to assuage her guilt - she saw that clearly through the scope of his life. Sarek and Amanda were hardly the only bonded Vulcan Human couple. There were others, and some of those bonds had been dissolved due to pressure from the Vulcan family to save the life of a male in Pon Farr. Sarek had fought against these "unbondings"- and been there to help heal the humans left behind when his efforts failed.
Swimming through these thoughts, she didn't realize at first she wasn't completely alone in her own mind anymore.
...and then she did. She looked up at Sybok.
He met her eyes. She felt a wave of guilt across the link between them. I am sorry. Since I left the false union of the colony...My mind seeks T'El, but I cannot find her...I...do not know if she is alive or dead or if she will take me back...my mind drifts without harbor...
T'Spock put her fingers out to him. How many other minds were adrift?
Touching her fingers, Sybok spoke to her mind. He is human. But you are half human. Perhaps you are -
She bristled at his words but could not explain why. Taking his fingers back, Sybok looked away and she felt his mind retreat slightly.
They were inside the Embassy and nearing the long row of tables where clerks were recording names and vital statistics of survivors before she felt Sybok's presence in her mind again.
Sister, I have long turned from the ways of logic, but is survivor's guilt not illogical?
T'Spock stiffened and went hot knowing where this train of thought was going. Duty is not illogical.
There was a flash of anger from Sybok, and then she felt him tamping it down. Sister, speaking as someone whose bond mate is currently lost - I can tell you, I need more than duty.
Ahead she heard a clerk ask a male refugee, "Bonded status?"
"Uncertain," said the Vulcan man. His response indicated he didn't know if his mate were dead or alive. Mental shock from the crises, physical unconsciousness, or injury all could be an explanation.
"We will not assign you a mate until the status of your mate is certain," said the clerk.
Sybok's head shot in the direction of the unknown Vulcan. T'Spock followed his gaze. From behind all she could see was a man of average height, average weight, and modest clothing. Just another refugee. A number. An abstraction. He nodded at the clerk and then turned away, his face still in incomplete profile.
Sybok saw something different. Her brother experienced a wave of sympathy and camaraderie. For a moment Sybok's mind vanished from T'Spock's and then it was back.
He is a good man, said Sybok, looking down at his feet. Turning his head to T'Spock, Sybok said, "He deserves more than duty. And you cannot give more to him." The words were spoken softly, but there was rage behind them.
T'Spock turned her head away. Following the line in tense silence, she tried to make her mind a blank slate.
Ahead she heard another Vulcan male say, "40. Unbonded."
"We will try to find you a mate as soon as possible," said the clerk.
7.3 minutes later she stood in front of the same clerk.
"Female," said the clerk touching a PADD. "Name, age and bonded status?"
"S'chn T'chai T'Spock," said T'Spock. "Age 29 Standard Years. Bonded status..."
The clerk looked up at her.
The truth was always logical; Sarek always said that.
"Uncertain," said T'Spock.
A/N:
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