I still don't own Spooks.
Chapter word count: 1586 (A lot longer than it was meant to be, but it couldn't be shorter)
A/N: Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. You guys make my day! I hope you will enjoy this chapter. xx
Eight.
If Ruth had turned around and looked back while she was walking away from Harry's house, she would have seen the door slowly open to reveal Harry's figure, cursing himself for what he had just done, but not daring to run after her.
Ruth decided not to go home straightaway. Instead she took a walk, a walk that was meant to be short but lasted a few hours. She wanted some time alone to think, or maybe stop thinking. At some point she had to stop and let the tears come out, and she didn't want Beth to know she had been crying, so she chose a café on the way and stayed there for a while, drinking one cup of tea after the other until she felt better.
The crying had left her mind like blank. She couldn't think properly, but now that the shock had passed, she felt the pain inside of her become more and more powerful, crushing her heart with both hands.
She couldn't say it wasn't her fault this time, because it was; and she hated herself for that. With all her principles, she had definitely ruined her own life. She couldn't be happy without Harry. So why did she wait for so long to find that out?
She wasn't the same Ruth as she was when she met Harry. She had become stronger, but she was so cold now. Running away from her emotions in order to prevent herself from getting hurt turned her into another woman. A woman who pushes the man she loves away. If she hadn't left, the Ruth she used to be would probably have forgotten her fears at some point, and maybe she and Harry would be… But it was another useless 'maybe'. She was not the same anymore, and now she had to live with it. She never thought she would become like this. And maybe Harry didn't either. 'Maybe that's why he doesn't want me anymore', she thought. He's realised I've changed and he found out he couldn't love who I am now.' It always went back to this. Cyprus, George, her other life; maybe they just couldn't be after all that.
Eight is the number of messages Harry left on Ruth's phone. He was getting more and more worried, as she wasn't answering any of them. 'Bloody hell, Pearce', he kept thinking as he was fighting the urge to pour himself another glass of whiskey (he'd lost count of how many he'd had until then), 'How, how could you be such an idiot?'
He couldn't figure out exactly what it was that stopped him from opening the door. He'd soon realised it was Ruth, but why did he feel so petrified he stayed right behind this door, all the while knowing it was the only thing that separated him from Ruth, Ruth that was just there, calling for him?
And nothing in her voice suggested that she had come to blame him for...whatever it was that she might have wanted to blame him for.
'Oh, Ruth', he said lowly. He sad down on his couch, took his head in his hands, pretty much in the same way she did in the garden a few hours before, though neither of them would ever know that.
Why? Why was it that every time one of them tried to cross the gap between them, the other managed to ruin it? 'We couldn't be more together than we are now.' she told him once. Well, the way he saw it, they couldn't be less together. If only there could be a day, just one day, when they could manage to want the same thing at the same time. Oh, just one moment would be enough. But it didn't seem likely to happen now. 'Bloody idiot', he said to himself.
Ruth had changed, that was right. It was a simple acknowledged fact. But it didn't mean she had to accept it and do nothing, she thought as she was looking through the window near her table. The woman she was now may be different, but it also meant she was more determined. She was a fighter, so why would she forbid herself to fight for the man she loved? She couldn't let this go. She had to win him back, and the only way she could do it was by proving him she wanted him as much as he had wanted her once. If there was a chance, she had to take it. 'Tomorrow I'll go back there, and this time I'll stay until he listens to me.' Comforted by her newly found determination, she paid the waiter and walked towards the closest bus stop.
But what Ruth didn't know was that Harry had decided he couldn't wait until the next day. When she got home, Beth was still out, and nothing had changed in the flat. Her cell phone was still where she left it, on the small table near the bookshelves. She hoped nothing important had happened at work and nobody had tried to phone her while she was out. She grabbed her phone and unlocked it. Quickly, a message appeared on the screen. Eight messages. Oh, Christ, no, she thought. Suddenly afraid of whatever might have happened, she pressed the button which allowed her to listen to the messages. But instead of Dimitri's voice, or Tariq's, the sound of another well-known voice came to her ears.
'Ruth', Harry started, 'it's, erm, it's me, Harry'. Oh God, Ruth, I don't know where to start. I'm sure you don't even want to hear what I have to say, it's just… I'm unforgivable. I don't know what took me, I, I got scared I guess. I didn't know why you were here and for a moment I thought you had come to blame me for everything that's happened.'
From his tone, Ruth could tell that there was something more in that 'everything' than just the Albany case. He sounded like he felt guilty. Her hands started shaking and she felt like she was about to drop the phone, so she turned on the loudspeaker mode and put it on the table, while she was slowly sitting on the couch, drinking Harry's words.
'I thought it was the only reason you would ever come to see me, and then, when it appeared I was wrong, you had been here for a while and I thought that if I opened that door I wouldn't know what to say to you. And then you left, and I thought 'This is it', I've ruined my last chance. And you have to know that I would never, ever blame you if you chose not to answer this. But please, Ruth, tell me this wasn't my last chance.'
The last sentence was a whisper, and Ruth felt her resolution not to cry again weaken. 'Oh God, Harry', she said in a very low voice. But it wasn't over yet, as the mechanic voice from her phone announced there was a second message, that was left only two minutes after the end of the first one.
'Ruth, it's me again. I just wanted to say… No, I can't say this over the phone, please call me back.'
And another one followed right after the second message.
'Ahem. Unless… Ruth, it's still Harry. I, er, well if you came to my house to talk about work… It just occurred to me, I didn't think, at first… Well if this was just about work, call me back anyway. And forget what I said before.'
This time Ruth chuckled. How could he possibly think it was just about work? They had never been 'just about work'. The fourth message was left by an apparently convinced it couldn't be just about work Harry, and was pretty much in the style of the first one. Once again, Ruth had to fight the urge to call him back right away. The next three were a lot shorter. Harry was getting worried by the fact that she hadn't called him back yet and obviously feared something might have happened to her on her way home. She thought the very last one would be similar, but Harry's voice came out the speaker much calmer than it had been before, but filled with sadness.
'Ruth. I was stupid; I made a fool of myself. What must you think of me now? Of course the reason you're not answering is not that you're in danger. You're not answering because you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. And it's fine, Ruth, I understand. I went too far. But there is still something I want you to know. I can't say the words over the phone, but… Do you remember when we said goodbye all those years ago? Well, that 'something', that 'something wonderful' you didn't want me to say. It's real Ruth. It's real and I want you to know it. It has never stopped being real, and it is more real now than it has ever been before.' There was a pause. 'And I will always feel this way. Goodbye, Ruth', he finally whispered as the message ended.
When Beth came home only a few minutes after Ruth listened to that last sentence, she found her flat mate sitting still on the sofa, with tears rolling down her cheeks. But this time, Ruth didn't try to hide it. She really couldn't care less. Maybe her life wasn't over after all.
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