Finding Love: Chapter 6

Edward Cullen

"Death is terrifying because it is so ordinary.
It happens all the time."
~Susan Cheever~

I didn't plan on coming over today. I planed on sitting at home with Tanya and watching a few movies, maybe even going into the office for a while, but I just couldn't get her out of my head.

It's all very sad of me really, I mean I don't know this girl from Eve and she's already consuming me so completely. In sleep or during the day, she is all I think about. Her eyes, those brown doe's that no longer hold life, or a fire, or a will to do anything, haunt me day in and day out.

And for me to let this continue, to let her continue to hold this…power over me is selfish of me. I mean goddamn it; I'm going to be a father soon, and a husband even sooner. I can't let this go on. Or so that's what I told myself, but here I am, sitting in the small wooden oak chair besides her bed, watching the sun play a beautiful game of hide-in-seek with it's ray of colors on her face.

She looked at me, her eyes focused only on me, and I willed myself not to break the connection. This was all she asked of me when I stepped in the room behind her; 'watch me until I fall asleep.' I agreed immediately. But she hasn't fallen asleep yet.

"You keep them away." She whispered, with a small smile plastered on her beautiful face.

"Keep what away?" I asked curiously.

"The dreams." She sighed, blanking her eyes for the first time in three minutes. "I don't know you Edward, and you don't know me, but believe it or not, you're helping me. The night you whispered into my ear was the first night I dreamt of something that had nothing to do with him. That dream only held you in it and you alone. It was pleasant, and I didn't wake in a cold sweat. Last night was different, you weren't here and I dreamt of him, the first time he took me to meet him mother and his siblings, it was a nice dream, but it was painful to see him. Fortunately there was no cold sweat, or tears, just the memory."

"That's good isn't it?"

"No, I don't want the memories." She went silent again, staring. She's a beautiful woman, from her eyes to her heart-shaped face; she's striking, more so then Ta- "Do you promise people things Edward?" she asked abruptly.

"Yes."

"Do you always keep the promises you make?"

"I try with all my might to, and ninety-nine percent of the time I do. Why do you ask?"

"Because I was promised the world and I didn't get it. I think I always knew that I wouldn't get it, I think I figured that out the day I was born and my mother walked out on me, but for some reason I allowed myself to believe I would when he promised it to me. I was such an idiot."

"No, you weren't. Everyone is allowed to have that kind of hope. We're allowed to believe that we can have the world. You're mother, she's the idiot. I've only known you for three days or so and I wouldn't dream of letting you go. And him, maybe he didn't keep this promise, but I'm positive he tried his best to. Sometimes things are just too far out of our reach. Sometimes we just can't control the situation, he couldn't, don't tarnish his memory with something that was out of his control, Bella. From what I heard, he loved you until…until the end."

I looked out of the window, my words sinking in. I'd just told her far more then was necessary. She doesn't need me in her head like that. I'm happy I could help keep her nightmares at bay, but I can't get more involved with her then I already am. I can't hurt Tanya like that, or my kid, I won't.

"Bella, I think I should-" I started before something very, very unexpected happened. She reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Don't leave; I want to tell you my story, Edward. The part that no one knows, not even my father knows it all."

I sat stiffly on the wooden chair, fitting my instincts to move into the bed behind her and hold her closely while she lives through the painful memories of her past. I nodded my head for to continue, and so she began.

"I've committed to memory that night, and it's so clearly, Edward." She closed her eyes, tears leaving the cresses of her eyes. I reached out to touch her, but thought better of it and secured my hands to my side. She had to get this out.

Without opening her eyes, she continued. "It was so cold that night. I remember because the windows were sealed from the snow. I'd stayed home all day cleaning and preparing dinner. It was a simple meal, but being me, I let the prep for it drag out all day. I'd cooked one of his favorites, beef stew and I had it waiting for him by the time he normally got home.

"I was tired and my back was killing me, but I'd still managed to take a bath and dress nicely and be at dinner on time. When seven o'clock came and he wasn't home I didn't worry right away. Sometimes the lab keeps him a few minutes past his time, but he usually calls me if he's going to be late. When he didn't I was angry, and upset that he made me worry so much. I'd made a decision that if he didn't show up in the next few hours I was going to call the lab, then the police.

"Two hours passed and when I finally picked up the phone, he came through the door, sleeves up, jacket thrown over his shoulders and a big cheese, shit eating grin on his face. When I asked him where he'd been all night, he told me he was at the bar with a few of his colleagues. When I told him I was worried and that he should have thought to call me and let me know he would be late, he just told me I was overreacting and that I needed to calm down, because the yelling wasn't good for the baby.

"Yes, I was five months pregnant when this happened, Edward. Not even a month ago there was a life inside of me, and I lost it. Anyway, I told him the baby isn't the one he needs to be worried about. I yelled at him, blowing the entire situation out of proportion now that I think about it, and told him that he was letting those people and that stupid job of his come between his family. I'd told him that he'd have to fix that when the baby comes, because I wouldn't allow it.

"He'd sat there and took it all. And it had made me so angry that he could sit there and be so calm when I felt like my entire world was falling apart. So since I was so furious, I wanted to make him feel the same way, so I dug deep and talked so horribly to him, but he refused to react, so I lost it and said the one thing that I knew would make him react. I played on his worse fears. I told him that if he didn't change, or step back from his job that I would take our child and I would leave him. When those words escaped my mouth he finally lost it.

"I'd never seen him so angry, and it scared the sanity back into me. I froze as he yelled. He was so red beneath his russet skin. He was also so beautiful in that moment…my god, I wanted to jump him, but before I could take what I said back, or do anything to him, he picked up his jacket, grabbed the first pair of keys he could put his hands on, from the desk by the door and left. I was shocked, but there was nothing I could do. Jakes worse fear was losing me, and our family. I knew that and I used it against him. What kind of wife does that?

"He'd left the house that night around ten. I'd gone upstairs to our bedroom and laid on my side of the bed and waited for him to return. I must have dozed off, because it was around two in the morning when I'd woken up and Jakes side of the bed was still empty. I was really worried. He hadn't called or anything and I started to freak.

"It was almost a half hour later that I though maybe he might have come home and stayed on the couch. So I put my robe on and began my descent down the stairs. I was half way down when I trip over my own foot. I threw my hands around my stomach, as a stupid attempt to protect my baby, but I couldn't even do that right. I wind up throwing myself against the wall, hitting my stomach and my head several times as I rolled down the stairs.

"I passed out for about five minutes before I regained consciousness. The only thing I could think of was getting help for my baby. I dragged myself through the living room and to the phone. I wasn't thinking. I should have called the ambulance first. I should have called the police, but the only person I wanted was Jacob, so he's who I called.

"I wasn't surprised when he picked up on the first ring. One of us always calls to apologize sooner or later, but it's usually him. So when I called he was shocked. He said; 'Baby? Baby I'm so sorry. You were right, I need to put my priorities in focus, and if that means cutting back work hours, so be it. I can't lose you Bell, I can't lose our baby.'

"I couldn't speak at first, it felt like my lungs were burning, but I didn't care I had to say something. So I said; 'It hurts…Jake?' It came out as a soft, pain filled whimper. And when he heard it, something must have clicked, because all he said was; 'Bell, Bella, listen to me. I love you and I'm on my way baby. You're going to be fine, hold on honey.' I whispered that I loved him too, but I don't think he heard me.

"I passed out once more, not waking up again until I was in the hospital. I was so discombobulated, and everything was bright and there were so many beeping noises. I knew instantly I was in a hospital. No place on earth was that clean other then a hospital. When I got my bearings back I remembered what happened to me and my hands flew to my stomach right away. But I knew, I knew before my hand landed there that my baby was gone. I knew because I felt so empty.

"I looked to my left and I saw my father. He was asleep, his arms crossed at his chest. 'Daddy?' I cried out to him. His eyes snapped open almost immediately, and his hands flew to mine, bringing them to my sides. 'Kiddo,' he whispered. 'You scared me for a while there.' He bent down and kissed my forehead lightly. Something he's always done since I was a little girl. 'Daddy, what's happening? Where's my baby? Where's Jacob?'

"My father was…not himself. When I looked at him I saw sympathy and I didn't like it. I asked him once more where my husband was and what they did to my baby, but he…he looked down and told me that I'd lost my child during the fall. Lost it, the phrase sounded so dirty that it made me sick. Like I'd left it in the park or something on accident; and then, he told me about Jacob.

"At first I thought he was joking. That he was playing the biggest cosmic prank on me, but two minutes later when the doctor walked in my room, blood all over his uniform, and pronounced my husband dead… I died that day. I died that day along with my husband and my child; my son.

"I'd known for weeks that we were having a boy. At my last doctors appointment, they asked if I wanted to know what I was having, but Jacob had decided that we shouldn't find out, that we should let it be a surprise. I agreed, but it was killing me. So after the doctors' appointment I 'accidently' left my purse in the examining room. I went back to get it and luckily the doctor was still there. I'd asked him what I was having. Shaking his head, he told me I was having a healthy little boy. I was so excited for weeks after that. Nothing could bring my sprit down, until that night. That stupid night that was all my fault."

"Bella," I finally spoke, not wanting to even hear her blame herself.

"What, you want to lie to my face and say it wasn't my fault Edward?" She snapped, her eyes opening and burning with so much anger. "I won't let you. Did you listen to what I said? I practically pushed him out of that door. I made him so upset that he didn't look at the keys that he'd grabbed; that he didn't realize he'd grabbed the bike instead of a car. I pushed his buttons that night. I made his fears come true, just like I'd threatened to do. I'm at fault. I killed my husband. I killed my son."

"No!" I stated firmly. "You were hurt, he was hurt."

"That doesn't matter." She argued, but I continued, not letting her execute herself.

"You had an argument; you went too far, he went too far."

"No, it was my fault." She continued to argue. But I refused to yield.

"You said things you didn't mean, he said things he didn't mean."

"Shut up!" she demanded.

"You did not kill him."

"Yes I did." She whispered weakly through gritted teeth.

"The man that killed your husband was intoxicated, and stupid. He drove, knowing that he was putting others at risk; knowing that he was too intoxicated to think straight. He killed your husband, not you."

"But if I would have stayed in the room that night. If I wouldn't have went down those stairs. If I would have just accepted his guys night out. If-"

"You'll always have an if Bella, everyone who goes through this does. But you can't wonder 'what if', because even if you find something you could have done differently, you still can't go back and change it. What's happened, has happened and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do to change the past. Jake, died that night, because of a drunk driver. Jake, a man who was trying to get home to his injured wife, was taken away from this world by an idiot who was so selfish, that he didn't think before getting behind the wheel of his car.

"Now, I know you lost everything Bella, and I know that it's too early for you to start thinking about forgetting, or moving on, but I think you need to start working on forgiving yourself, and forgiving Jacob, who tried desperately to keep his promise to you. When you do those things, when you forgive you, then, and only then can you truly start to mend."

There was no more speaking. Bella fell asleep, peacefully on her bed facing me. I ran the finger tips of my right hand down her cheek. Her skin glowed under my touch, her skin turning a light rose red. God, she is so beautiful, and so broken. More so then even me, or her brother.

Jasper and I, we were fixable, but her -Bella- she's no where near being fixed. She's not even near forgiving herself; which is, if you ask me, going to be the hardest part to overcome for her. She takes too much of the blame on her self; too much of the guilt and pain. It wasn't her fault.

Okay, so they had a fight. I'm sure it wasn't their first fight, and I'm sure if things would have went better, if he were here with her today, it wouldn't have been their last. Because that's what happens in marriages, couples fight. They get things out there so they can deal with it and move on. If they wouldn't have had a fight, at all, I don't think I would have or ever would consider them a real couple.

And so she pushed his buttons. What wife doesn't? That's how most women keep their partner on his or her toes. I could understand where she was coming from to a certain extent. She was a very pregnant, very emotional woman and she wanted someone, anyone to feel her physical and emotional pain. She was being drained slowly, probably keeping her mouth closed when he did something that really infuriated her, or over looking things about him that irritated her during her pregnancy until that moment. Until it all just build up and in that one moment she wanted someone else to feel it, and he –Jacob- was that someone else.

So yeah, she came down hard on him, realizing her fears and his in the same moment, but guess what, he shouldn't have walked out on her. He should have been there; kept his calm like he was doing the entire time. Let her vent it out until he could put his arms around her and tell her she only had a few more months then she would be fine. But he didn't, he ran.

And no, I won't blame him for his decision to run. If my very hormonal wife unloaded that on me, threatened me with that kind of lose, I would have wanted to get out of there too, but unlike him, I would have probably just sat in the car and waited until she feel asleep and walked back into the house.

There was so much both of them could have done differently, but he isn't her to change that and she can't be here, walk and live this life, with that kind of grief. I won't allow it, and I hope that the others would agree with me and help me try to get her to forgive herself. She has-no, she needs to do that fist.

After ten minutes of watching her silently sleep, I stood and headed for the door, my eyes lingering on her frame longer then need be. Once n the hall I came face to face with my sister. "Is she alright?" I nodded my head, signaling with a nod that we should finish this in the living room. She walked ahead of me and I followed. "Jasper's in the bedroom. I heard her yelling and you yelling right back at her. What was that about?" Alice asked hesitantly.

"She…god Al, she blames herself for his death. She told me the whole story, every detail of that night and I get why she would blame herself, but it wasn't her fault and when I tried to fight her on the topic she fought right back."

"Isn't that a good sign? If she fights back then she's still trying, right?"

"No, not her, she's not trying Alice. She doesn't want to be here; in this house, on this earth. I've seen plenty on cases like her, but never one this deep. Besides, I'm a Doctor, a surgeon. I don't get involved in cases like hers, like this, but I want to work with her. I know I can help her. And the fact that she wants me around her helps a lot. As long as she wants me around, I can help her."

"What did she tell you?"

"I can't tell you. It's so…just let her do it. She'll be ready one day to share, but until then I can't. But there is one thing I wanted to tell you, or asked rather." She nodded for me to continue. "Did you know, or did Jasper know she and Jacob were expecting?"

"Yes, they told Jasper and their parents, and a few close friends. Jasper told me. She lost the baby the same night she lost Jacob. Why?"

"Oh, um, nothing, I was just curious. Do you have any plans for today?" I asked quickly, changing the subject.

"No, Jasper wants to be close to Bella, and I want to be close to him. You?"

"No, Tanya wants to eat out, but dads insisting she stay in bed. I was going to head back in a few, but I want to stay with Bella for a while, observe her while she sleeps. She confided in me that she has nightmares and that my presence chases them away."

"Yeah, Jasper and I hear her screaming sometimes. It frightens him. I just think she needs to exercise her demons and sleep is the only time her mind knows when to do it."

"She's so frail. And despite everything, her fears, her weaknesses, I feel she's the strongest out of all of us. God Al, if you just talk to her you'd see it. I know I can't be the only one. The way she loves him, even in his death… It's something to envy. No one, not even me, feels the way she feels about him, about anyone else. He was lucky. So, so lucky."

"Your dream, about the little girl; Carlie, was Bella her mother?" my face froze, probably draining of color. How would she know that?

"I-"

"Edward," she interrupted before a lie could form. "I saw the way you looked at her when she first came. How you caught her in your arms. How mad you were at Tanya when she hurt her. How you clung to her just as much as she clung to you. And she looks at you too. Like you're saving her life over and over and over again. Jasper was kind of sad when she asked for you and not him. She even screams your name out during the night. There's something about you two together that's just so right Edward. You probably can't see it, but I can. I wish you would have found her before Tanya. I'm sorry, because I know that you hate when I talk about her, but Edward… god, Edward she's not for you. And that kid that she's carrying; I don't think it's-"

"Stop!" I demanded. "That's enough Alice. Tanya is my fiancé, she's who I choose. She's who I want. Yeah, she's not perfect, no one is. But she is mine, and the child she is carrying is one hundred percent mine and if you can't except that they that's your problem, but this is the last time, the last time I will let you speak about her like that, or doubt that my child is in fact mine. You may not like her, but I love her, so there. I'm going to go spend a little more time with Bella, then I'm gong to head out."

"You never answered me, Edward." Alice spoke as I turned away from her. "Was Bella Carlies' mother?"

"Yes, she belonged to Bella. I don't see how that will help you by knowing, Alice."

"Was she really beautiful?" She asked, ignoring my statement.

"The most beautiful person I've ever dreamt of next to her mother."

I stepped into Bella's room, the lights still off, her covers still covering her body. Her nightmares haven't started, and for that I was grateful. I don't think I would be able to just stand next to her while she hurt in her dreams.

I stayed there all night, watching her drift in and out on consciousness. Some times she would say things, others she would just stare at me. I never talked, I just watched. When she looked the least bit troubled I would rub my finger tips down her cheek and she would settle almost immediately.

It was around two in the morning when I found myself trying o leave her room. She awoke just as my hand touched the door. "Edward?" she called, sitting up on her bed.

"Yeah,"

"Thank you, for listening to me. Thank you for not asking me to move on, and thank you for staying. You're a good guy, and I wish you happiness with your fiancé."

"Thank you Bella. Look," I said as I walked back towards her bed, taking a seat on the edge. "do you ever get stuffy being in this room all the time?"

"Sometimes, but I'm not ready to face the outside world yet."

"I want to take you somewhere, a place that's really special to me. There are no people for miles, and you won't have to face anything. We could just sit and have a picnic and you can tell me more about Jacob and your life together. Are you interested?"

She stared at me for a long immeasurable amount of time and I wondered if my invitation was too soon for her. Maybe she's just not ready to go out there period. But I can't help but think of the way she got here. And the way she got to the funeral. Surly she made herself go. Surly she wasn't forced.

"Okay, goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight Bella." I crawled up the bed, placing my lips to her cheek, and kissing her sweetly. I only looked back once when I reached the door, then I was gone. "Sweet dreams, my beautiful girl." I whispered into the night. Sweet dreams.