Warning: Hidan swears a lot!
The perils of eating strange cookies- Madara x Hidan.
Around the Akatsuki base, Tobi was infamous for being the one person who loved cookies so much that he made at least one large batch a day.
Every morning, any member unfortunate enough not to have eaten breakfast before Tobi's arrival would have to watch in horror as the masked man made them.
There was a recipe book in the kitchen, but Tobi was much too spontaneous to follow something like that.
Instead, he just grabbed what was in the kitchen, mixed it in a bowl and stuck it in the oven.
The surprise was that each time, they actually turned out quite good.
During this crazy daily 'show' Orochimaru was still a member of the Akatsuki.
He knew of Tobi's true identity and though he would never confront the fearsome Uchiha, he had other ways to try and get under his skin.
One morning, before the sun came up, Orochimaru snuck into the kitchen and gathered all the proper ingredients for making cookies.
Then, he followed all the correct steps for making the perfect dough.
However, there was one unusual thing that he did and that was taking a small vial of strange potion and mixing it in.
The cookies still looked normal, but that was far from the truth.
After putting them in the oven, Orochimaru hid all traces of his involvement and disappeared into his room.
A few hours later, Tobi came in and his nose was met by the scent of fresh cookies.
Curious, Tobi looked into the oven and saw a perfectly formed, normal colored batch of cookies.
He was rather suspicious of this, but he had to stay in character so he took the cookies out and sniffed them.
They seemed fine… too fine.
Then, Hidan walked into the room and sighed before muttering under his breath, "Damn it… not here early enough."
"Hidan-san!" Tobi yelled in response. "Tobi has cookies! Would you like to try them?"
The clever Uchiha had not said that he made the cookies, but rather he had them.
Just like Tobi had done earlier, Hidan sniffed and carefully inspected the pastry.
Then, since he was immortal, he risked picking one up and taking a bite.
The kitchen was silent as Tobi waited for the other member's response.
"Mmmm! These are the best fucking cookies I have ever had! Holy crap!" the Jashinist exclaimed and ate the rest of the cookie.
Tobi's eye brows were raised at the strange reaction, but that was unseen because of his mask.
Seeing as Hidan would never lie about something as trivial as cookies, Tobi decided to risk taking one too.
He picked it up, turned around, lifted his mask up and took a bite.
A satisfied moan escaped the Uchiha's lips moments later.
That really was the most delicious cookie he had ever eaten.
The two cookie crazed members continued to devour the rest of the batch within the minute.
When they were done picking all the crumbs, they stared at each other.
"Make more!" Hidan ordered.
Tobi frowned and replied, "Tobi can't! He wasn't the one who made the cookies… Tobi just found them!"
They took a moment to think about this before they both simultaneously gasped and yelled, "We have to find who made them!"
For the next hour, they ran around and base and asked each member if they had made the wonderful little creations, but no one said a thing.
Depressed, they went back to the kitchen.
Tobi sat in a chair and he had his head in his hands.
He felt… tired… and his mind felt blurry.
Hidan groaned and said, "What the hell… I feel like shit…."
Suddenly, they both jumped up and stared at each other.
Madara's eyes were narrowed as he growled out in his natural voice, "What did you do? I did not stand up of my own will."
Hidan frowned and yelled back, "I didn't stand up either! Someone made me move!"
Then, much to their dismay, they started walking toward each other.
"What the hell! I don't want to walk!" Hidan screeched while Madara activated his Sharingan and looked for chakra strings.
There were none.
Yet somehow, they were being controlled.
"Shit! What is going on!"
…
In the living room, Orochimaru walked in with a large grin on his face and an equally large box in his hands.
The rest of the Akatsuki members were there and they barely gave the creepy member a glance.
"Hello everyone!" he announced and put the box on the table.
"I have something to show you; if you take the glasses in the box, you will be able to see through that wall and you will know what Hidan and Tobi are doing."
The other members exchanged glances, not really sure why they would care about what Tobi and Hidan were doing.
Not deterred by their lack of emotion, Orochimaru continued, "Aren't you curious about why Hidan and Tobi are kissing?"
Instantly, all the others grabbed the glasses and looked through the wall.
A dead silence filled the room.
Suddenly, there was a thud and they briefly ripped their eyes from the shocking sight in the kitchen to Deidara's unconscious form.
His nose was bleeding and he seemed to have passed out from shock.
Indeed, what Hidan and Tobi were doing was rather shocking.
"They're actually kissing!" Kisame exclaimed and though he was disgusted, he continued to watch.
Meanwhile, Orochimaru dragged Deidara's body into his lab.
This was going right according to plan.
…
In the kitchen, Hidan looked like he was going to cry and Madara was so angry he looked like he was going to crap his pants and blow up at the same time.
"Get… your… fucking… lips… off… me," Hidan managed to bite out.
Madara hissed and tried to pull away, but he had no control of his body.
Both members made a mental note to kill the person responsible for this torture.
…
Back in the living room, the members were growing increasingly confused.
"I didn't know Tobi was gay," Pein mused.
"Hidan doesn't seem very gay either," Konan agreed.
Shortly, Zetsu walked out of the room. His hand was covering his nose and he seemed to be blushing as well.
Orochimaru came back in, but he was holding a remote control.
He pressed a few buttons and the others gasped at the changing scene on the other side of the wall.
Hidan was now taking his cloak off, which left him shirtless.
Tobi, on the other hand, was pressing himself closer to Hidan.
Unbeknownst to the other members, they both wanted to puke and knock themselves out.
The snake-like man pressed a few more buttons and suddenly, Tobi and Hidan were on the move again.
This time, Hidan was reaching for the string on his pants; clearly looking like he intended to remove the article of clothing.
The shocked silence in the living room grew even heavier. "Are they… are they going to do what I think they're going to do?" Pein muttered with growing worry.
He had never been witness to gay sex before and he surely did not want to start now.
Konan, the only girl in the base, was just as horrified, but there was tiny little snippet of her brain that giggled in fan-girlish glee.
Of course, she would never say that out loud.
Suddenly, screaming pierced the silence and they saw that Hidan was on fire.
However, this was not ordinary fire, but rather, Ameterasu.
Then, Madara turned into a swirling blur and disappeared; leaving a swearing, half-naked Hidan stuck in the same position as before.
Pein traced the Uchiha's chakra and Konan and him went to go find the now seemingly gay man.
The other Akatsuki members turned their attention to Hidan, who was still standing still with his hand on the pant string, but he was on fire.
Itachi promptly activated his Sharingan and got rid of the fire.
Still, Hidan did not move. He wasn't even swearing or anything.
…
"Madara… you had once confidently told me that you were one hundred percent straight, but that show with Hidan really made me wonder," Pein started as he approached the Uchiha.
Konan cautiously stepped in; still trying to get the image of the two men kissing out of her mind.
"It's nothing to be embarrassed of… really…" Pein continued and stopped to face Madara.
His face was contorted in pain and his Sharingan was activated. He didn't even look like he was breathing.
"Madara?" Konan questioned as she looked him in the eyes carefully.
"Can't… speak… being… controlled," he bit out and then froze again.
…
"I don't think he can move… do you think he is being controlled?" Sasori said as he scanned for chakra strings.
Hidan made a muffled shriek that seemed to agree with what the red-head had said.
Then, Orochimaru walked in and everyone turned to look at him.
If anyone was responsible, it would be him.
"I knew Madara would ruin the fun…" he said nonchalantly as he pressed another button on his remote.
Instantly, Hidan took a deep breath and yelled, "You fucking shit head! I am going to kill you! I'm not fucking gay in any fucking way you ass-fucking mother fuck-"
The Jashinist fell silent as another button was pressed and Orochimaru sighed. "That is why I had him unable to speak."
Slowly, the other Akatsuki members were getting angrier and angrier at the snake-like man.
"You were controlling Hidan to make him kiss Tobi?" Kakuzu questioned with a glare.
Orochimaru gulped. "Erm… April Fools?" he said despite the fact that it was the middle of summer.
The stitch-faced man growled and jumped on Orochimaru; choking him and stabbing him at the same time.
"Hidan is not allowed to kiss anyone but me!" Kakuzu yelled and for the umpteenth time that day, everyone fell silent.
Hidan looked like he was blushing and Kakuzu stopped choking Orochimaru to think about what he had just said.
"This is horrible! Why is everyone gay!" Itachi suddenly exclaimed with his arms dramatically in the air.
"When I joined this organization, I was promised that there would be no gayness!" he continued loudly.
Then, Pein and Konan walked in. They were dragging Madara's frozen body behind them.
"There has been a severe misunderstanding," Pein addressed all the other members. "Hidan and Tobi are not gay!"
"Uh… actually… Hidan is," Orochimaru pointed out and that earned him a punch for Kakuzu.
"However, someone is controlling them," Pein continued despite the interruption.
All the others glared at Orochimaru and the orange-haired man sighed. "Orochimaru, give me the remote control."
Like a five year old with his hand stuck in the cookie jar, Orochimaru pouted and handed over the small devise.
Pein pressed a few of the buttons and suddenly, both of the trapped Akatsuki members took a deep breath and stood up straight.
Hidan swiftly put on his cloak and Tobi hastily snapped his mask back into place.
"Hidan, Tobi, as the leader, I give you permission to attack and take your revenge on Orochimaru. You can kill him if you want, but do not forget to clean the mess up afterward," he said with a touch of nagginess in his voice.
He didn't usually allow members to kill each other, but Madara would have acted on his own anyway so he was just preventing a crisis.
Orochimaru inhaled a sharp breath and pleaded, "It was just a joke! They liked it!"
At this, Hidan lunged at the snake-like man and started choking him.
Madara, on the other hand, reactivated his Sharingan and looked Orochimaru in the eyes.
He went limp and even though he was only out for three seconds, he had spent an eternity within Madara's genjutsu.
After the three seconds were over, Orochimaru instantly jumped out of Hidan's grip and ran out of the base screaming.
Of course, Hidan chased him; clearly intent on sacrificing the man to Jashin.
Meanwhile, Madara walked over to Pein and whispered something into his ear.
"We now have a new Akatsuki law; no gayness!" the 'leader' announced and crossed his arms.
He was done with seeing men kissing each other.
It was quiet again as the others looked at each other.
They really had no idea what to say.
Kisame managed to get through the awkwardness and asked, "So Tobi… are you going to make cookies today?"
Needless to say, none of the other Akatsuki members ever saw a cookie in the base after that.
The end!
There~ The one-shot is finished! It was indeed Madara x Hidan, but no one said anything about it being willing.
Thanks for reading! Any thoughts?