Author's note: Author's notes are so 'My Immortal', people. Don't make me do this. If you think it sucks balls, don't just say "This sucks balls." Tell me why it sucks balls, and whose balls it is sucking. Feel free to be a douche, but be a constructive douche. I'm not pretending to be a great writer on fanfiction, or even a good one. I'm bored, and this is something to do. By the way, I only use 'creative' spelling on occasion, and all my grammar is as proper as a Victorian's panties. So y'all can suck the dick that I don't have.
Love and light, bitch.
Cass stood in the center of the crowded room, surrounded by well-dressed members of high society. Ignoring what conversation was directed at him, he wandered towards the champagne table, and managed to knock back a few before he was noticed.
"You're going to spoil your figure if you keep drinking so much," a slightly familiar voice said quietly. "You don't want to be the fat king, do you?" Cass turned to see a sprightly young lady in a black dress. She was also wearing an earpiece.
"So, Ashley the bodyguard," Cass said in pleased surprise. "Upstanding citizen and closet gardener. What's on your list of duties tonight? Rescuing puppies? Implementing new laws in order to stop unjust practices?"
"Actually, I'm here to keep you away from alcoholic beverages, female party guests under the age of fifty, and any nearby hedges," she replied, grabbing his elbow and steering him away from the many stacked glasses.
"Well, aren't you the best babysitter a boy could ask for," Cass grumbled, looking over his shoulder longingly. "Who put you up to this? Was it the dragon lady?" Ashley grinned.
"Some call her that," she admitted. "That's quite a woman you're marrying, Highness." Cass chuckled at that. Oh, if only she knew.
"If you want to be all formal, call me Caspian," he intoned in as snooty a voice as he could manage. Ashley smiled.
"Well, I'm supposed to send to you towards those two," she muttered, gesturing towards Peter and Ed, who were standing in a crowd of older politicians, probably talking legalization.
"Oh, joy," Cass mumbled, striding towards the group.
"As I was saying, it is proven that for medicinal purposes—" Ed started, just as Cass elbowed him. "What?" Ed growled, turning to face him.
"Speak of the devil," Cass said quietly, grinning and pointing at a nearby doorway. There stood Ed's sister, Lucy, in all her glory. She appeared to be dressed as a flapper, and happened to be smoking some unknown substance.
"Damn," a nearby gentleman whistled, staring at the woman in the doorway. "Who's that?"
"That's my sister," Ed mumbled in chagrin. "Dear Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed, what is she doing here?!" Cass snickered, but his smile quickly turned to a frown when he saw Susan approaching Lucy at high speed. Knowing that something was probably going to explode, Cass and Ed rushed to the scene.
"Are you even wearing a bra?" Susan snarled just as they arrived.
"Yeah, hon. You just can't tell 'cause you're not used to seeing real ones." Lucy grinned through the haze of smoke. "Your bazongas are just like Nicki Minaj's hair—fake."
"And shiny, and colorful, and talented," Ed added, trying to appease the now fuming Susan. "Hey, Lu, let's take a walk outside, shall we?" He muttered hurriedly, grabbing her elbow and tugging her elsewhere as fast as possible. Cass was laughing too hard to help. Suddenly, Susan turned towards him.
"What, you think this is funny?!" Susan growled, glaring in fury.
"Hilarious," Cass replied. "Are they fake? Your 'bazongas'?"
"I hope you die one rainy night and get buried in an unmarked grave by the side of the world's dirtiest highway," she said through her teeth. "Now collect your nearly nonexistent wits and go talk politics with the nice people who are here to see us being a happy couple." Smoothing down her dress, which had become rumpled in the commotion, Susan headed towards a group of ladies that looked like Christmas trees.
"That woman is Satan," Peter muttered, appearing by Caspian's side. "Your life is over, man."
"Yeah," Cass said quietly, "I know."
…