Nothing & Everything

My take on the scenes with Lily and Snape. They are officially my favorite couple in the series, and I admit that I cried while watching that scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II. I cannot believe Harry Potter is over, but I hope that it can remain alive in our hearts.

.&.

He remembers exactly when he realized he loved her.

These feelings had unquestionably existed before this precise moment, but he'd have much rather buried them away. Because she was a Gryffindor, and it wasn't politically correct to cross such house lines due to a fit of butterflies in his stomach. Because she was all fiery ginger hair and brown eyes that later faded to the hazel her son now wore - in those narcissistic, puffed up eyes he had. Because she was brave, laughed when no one else dared to, and he would rather slink around the shadows.

But, in the end, he knows that Lily Evans was much too good for him. It's why she ended up with Potter instead of himself, why no matter what he tried to sacrifice - he always grabbed them back in the end - she always chose someone else.

It was a chilly morning when everything changed, and he was walking towards the Astronomy Tower for his N.E., when she came bounding up to him.

"Severus," she called out, straightening her silver hat, "you'll never guessed what happened earlier!" Her cheeks flushed and those eyes were gleaming with happiness.

He turned, "Lily, you're going to make me late for my test with Professor Agis."

Lily caught his arm, and though the studious part of himself was telling him coolly and rationally to hurry in before he got chastised by the professor overseeing Astronomy N.E.. But the damned part that she controlled, the raging, passionate slice he loathed to admit existed, roared at him to stay put.

"But it's important." Her lower lip slid out in a pout, just because she knew he couldn't resist it.

He looked around, over the hillsides and the edge of the castle walls. In the distance the Whomping Willow groaned, shaking off dead leaves.

"Very well," he replied with a sigh. "What is it?"

Lily bit her lip, and he could tell she was trying not to squeal.

Grabbing both his arms, she took a deep breath and said, "James and I are official."

He couldn't think, couldn't move, and he wasn't sure quite why because he should be as happy as he could allow for Lily. But some part of him was seeming to shrivel.

"I thought you loathed him." He didn't say it as a question, hoping she would tell him this was all a joke.

Because if he was honest with himself, he didn't want her being with anyone, least of all Potter. In the back of his mind he'd always tried to assume that Lily Evans would remain single for the rest of her life and marry him out of desperation. That he could take, because he was used to being chosen last.

But this...in this scenario, he wasn't chosen at all.

"I still think he's arrogant," Lily said, blinking those long lashes as she looked up at him, "but he's trying to change. Don't worry, I'll hex him if he tries anything."

He didn't doubt that she would. But how could he tell her that she was making a horrible mistake? With the way she was looking right now, as ecstatic as she would allow without becoming a shrieking female, she cared deeply about Potter.

"I have to get to the Astronomy Tower," he said, pushing past her.

He heard her feet turn, crunching on broken bits of leaves

"Severus," Lily began, "are you happy for me?"

How could she ask something like that? How could she ask him that when he clearly didn't want her being with anyone else but himself? If she could read thoughts, she would understand, but right now she had no idea about his current mess of feelings. He wanted to keep it that way. Let her have Potter.

Eventually he would break her heart, and she would come crawling back to him. She would crawl back to her last option.

"I will always be here." He never actually answered the question, just watched something flash in her eyes and make them freeze over. He'd confused her, hurt her by refusing to grant her happiness, but that was one thing he could never do.

Because, as Severus Snape walked away that morning, he realized that he was in love with Lily Evans.

And now, years from then, he sits on the floor in Harry's room, holding her cold hand in his own. There are dried tear tracks on her cheeks mingled with dirt and blood. There's a gash on her forehead from where she hit the edge of her son's bed, but that seems to be her only injury. He doesn't think he can take to look beneath her blouse, cannot stand to see the blackened edges the spell will have left behind.

Harry is whimpering, but Severus cannot do a thing.

All he can do is look down at Lily's body, and, realize with a shuddering breath, that he's crying. All he can do is cradle her lifeless body in his arms, slide her eyes closed, and pretend that they are ten years old again, lying side by side and watching the clouds. All he can do is let his vision blur over, let his whole world come crashing down, and hold one final truth close to his shattered heart.

He never told Lily Evans - he will never call her Lily Potter - that he loved her.