" Barney's Castle"
Written By: Debs-dragon
Disclaimer: I don't own the DBZ gang, a rich Japanese man does. I don't own the character Barney either and after suffering through several episodes just to get this plot bunny I hate the sight of purple dinosaurs!
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: Humor, innuendo, torture of dinosaurs and ridiculing of children's icons.
Summary: This is yet another in the Preschooler arc. This time it's Barney's turn to suffer at the hands of my sick and twisted imagination.
Notes: This one is dedicated to Matty who commented that he would like to see Barney destroyed in one of the arc fic's, given that it was either the purple dinosaur or the Teletubbies, I opted for the easy way out. *grin*
" Barney's Castle"
Sept 2003 Debs-dragon
Chapter 5
The King stared at Goku. "How can I go away for a holiday and leave the kingdom by itself?"
"Easy. We will run it for you."
"Cool," said Derek.
"Could be fun," added Twinkle.
"I always wanted to run a kingdom," said Tina dreamily.
"I'm going to regret this," mumbled Barney.
"You guys would do that for me?" the king said in disbelief.
"Of course we would. Now where would you like to go and for how long?" asked Goku, a big smile plastered to his face.
Old King Cole thought about it for a moment. "I'd really like to go to Tahiti and spend the days lazing around on the beach sipping Pina Coladas and watching the island girls romp around in their bikinis, but I guess that's out of the question."
Four slightly stunned faces and one silly, grinning purple head looked back at him.
"Thought so," the king sighed. "Then I suppose I will just have to spend the day fishing."
"Fishing isn't so bad, Kingy," Goku said. "Why I bet the royal lakes and streams are just teeming with fish."
"If the poachers haven't already been in," the king mumbled.
Goku ignored that little statement and turned to the group. "What does our king need to go fishing?"
"A fishing rod?" Derek supplied with obvious sarcasm.
*Po... Whufff...*
Barney sniggered.
A fishing rod appeared in the king's hand. "Hey that's a pretty nifty trick," the king said as he looked at the fishing rod.
"But wait, there's more..." Goku said cheerily. "Take up the offer to go fishing today and you will also receive a pair of..."
*Whufff*
"... Waterproof waders."
The king looked down at the rubbery things that encased him from his waist to his ankles.
"But wait, there's more... As an added bonus we will include free of charge these wonderful..."
*Whufff*
"...Wellington boots."
The king looked at the boots enclosing his feet and wriggled his toes. "Great."
"But there is even more... Every fisherman today knows that to catch the best fish, you need..."
*Whufff*
"...The right bait."
The king looked around but couldn't see anything. Tina pointed to his head and the king raised a hand. Perched on top of his crown was a floppy hat covered in flies. "Argghhh! get the royal pest exterminator!"
"They're fishing flies, your highness." Derek rolled his eyes.
"I knew that."
"As one of our valued customers you also receive our bonus gift..."
*Whufff*
"...Lunch."
The king looked to see a rather impressive sized lunch box clutched in his hand. "Thanks, I guess I'm going fishing then."
"Well you have all the fruit so there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy a little relaxation time and catch some fish as well," Tina said as she eyed the king critically.
"That may well be, but who is going to rule the kingdom while I'm battling the fish?"
"That's easy, kingy. Veg.. Barney here can rule in your place."
Four stunned faces and one silly grinning purple head turned towards Goku this time.
"Well it makes sense. Barney here used to be royalty."
"I still am," came the muffled growl.
"In your opinion," Goku replied.
"I'll remind you that despite my current outfit I am still the Prince of the Saiya-jins, Kakarott."
"With no kingdom though." Goku couldn't resist the *dig*.
"Minor technicality."
"If you two have quite finished can we send the king on his fishing trip?" Tina glared at the arguing pair.
"I think we're done, aren't we, Barney?"
"For the moment," Barney snarled.
"Okay then." Old King Cole reached up to his head and removed the fishing hat from the crown before taking the crown off his head and walking towards Barney. "I won't be gone all that long, see if you can avoid stuffing up my kingdom in the time I'm away." The King reached up and placed the fishing hat on his head before attempting to place the crown on Barney's head.
"Barney, I think you need to shrink a little for the king to reach," Derek muttered.
Barney sank down a little and the king tried again. The crown didn't fit. It sat perched high upon the purple dome and began to slide to one side.
"Always said you had a big head," sniggered Goku.
The dinosaur glared, or rather tried to glare.
"Let's see if I can help," Twinkle offered and reached for the crown. She straightened the thing up and then tried to yank it down over the purple head.
It didn't want to go.
"Here, let me try," Goku said and reached to have a go. His strength was a bit more than that of Twinkle's and the crown suddenly found itself jammed on Barney's head. The two children, one elf, a king and Goku suddenly burst into laughter.
"What are you all laughing at? I demand you tell me!" Vegeta scowled as the mirth continued around him.
"That's just too funny," Derek giggled as he pointed to Barney.
"I've never seen anything more hilarious," agreed Tina.
Goku couldn't form words, he was laughing too hard. Twinkle had disappeared in a cloud of elf dust that billowed out with each gale of hilarity that escaped her lips and the king was holding his sides, the tears running down his cheeks.
"Tell me or cease this insane cackling!" Barney screamed.
Goku managed to raise a finger and pointed in the direction of a mirror before collapsing back into his fit of hysterics.
With a snort of disdain, Barney sauntered to the mirror and stared at his reflection. Well, it was a little improvement he supposed, but it wasn't that funny! The image in the mirror was of a purple dinosaur, the crown rammed so tightly on his head that the head was squeezed in, cinched tight like a maiden's corset with the excess head bulging out from the top like a pimple ready to burst. He shook his head. "It's giving me a headache," he moaned.
By this stage Tina and Derek were holding each other up, Twinkle had given up and joined the king in rolling on the floor unable to stop laughing. Goku was beyond help.
Barney swung around and tried to glare at the group that were enjoying the joke at his expense. He raised a claw and pointed it at the center of the group. "Fix it."
Goku wiped the tears from his eyes and faced his fellow Saiya-jin, all intent on fixing the problem, but one look at the blossoming head and he dissolved into fits again.
*Zap.*
"I said, fix it."
The group quickly sobered up as the zap fried a few tender body parts. They all concentrated together and within seconds...
*Po..Whufff.*
The tiny crown had disappeared and a much larger one sat in its place.
"Much better," Barney said as he adjusted the new crown. "Right ex-king, feel free to enjoy your fishing trip."
"Ex-king?" Old King Cole frowned.
Goku began to look wildly about.
"What's up, Mike?" Tina asked as she observed Goku's antics.
"Where is he?"
"Who?"
"The Ox King."
"The who?"
The Ox King, Chi Chi's father, my father-in-law..." Goku continued to peek about him.
"Idiot! I said Ex-king, not Ox king!" Vegeta smacked his bottom jaw with the claw, after all he'd tried to smack his forehead before but couldn't reach and wasn't about to stick himself in the snout again, not after all the trouble they'd had getting his claw out last time. He turned back to the king. "You heard me," Barney said as he raised his claw. "Now scat."
Not waiting to question the Ex, Ox statement any further, Old King Cole grabbed his fishing rod, hat, bait, lunch, adjusted his 'rubbers' and stomped and squeaked his way out of the throne room.
The group listened as the sounds of the waders grew faint, when they could no longer hear anything they turned to each other. "What now?" asked Derek. "Can we use our imagination to play capture the castle and torture the prisoners?" An Indian war whoop was faintly heard.
"No."
"Awww. You spoil all the fun, Barney."
"That's King Barney to you." Vegeta moved to go up the three small steps and approach the royal throne. When he got there he turned around and went to sit down. He stood up again, rather quickly. "Blasted tail!"
Goku snickered.
"Well, what are we going to do then *King* Barney?" Tina asked, putting extra emphasis onto the King bit.
Vegeta turned his crowned head towards her but before he could say a word Twinkle interrupted. "I know, let's have a tea party!"
"Yes a tea party!" chorused Tina and Derek.
"I'm pretty peckish myself," Goku added.
"You're always hungry, Kakarott," Barney growled.
"I'm a growing boy," huffed Goku.
"Growing outwards to be precise," muttered Vegeta.
"Summon the royal tea makers," shouted Twinkle.
"Keep it up and we'll be having fairy cakes," Barney stated in a flat voice, staring intently at Twinkle.
Twinkle gulped and retreated behind Derek.
Any further animosity was halted with the arrival of a green dinosaur pushing a tea trolley.
"Hello all, remember me?"
Two humans, one elf , one Saiya-jin and a purple dino looked at the new addition. "No," was the mass reply.
"Oh come on now, surely you haven't forgotten me already? I'm Baby Bop."
The five all shook their heads, the crown on Barney's head swiveling from side to side.
The green dinosaur put her hands where her hips should have been. "It hasn't been all that long since..." Her words cut off as her vision alighted on that of Barney. She made a point of looking him up and down... slowly.
Inside the suit, Vegeta cringed.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Barney. Maybe it has been a while since we all last met," she purred as she sauntered over. She raked a claw down Barney's shoulder. "You're all grown up now, Barney."
Vegeta didn't miss the underlying tone of lust in that voice. "Ummm... anyone for tea?"
tbc...