Title: Edumacationally Challenged.

Genre: Humor/Parody. Kotor 2.

A/N: Alrighty then, up next on the 'bash list' are Kreia, HK-47, Justin Bieber, and of course, Atton. Huge thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading this story!

"Nice outfit. What, did the miners change regulation uniforms or something?"

Xana froze and tilted her head towards the ceiling. "Augh, really? Why me? WHY!" she bellowed.

Atton stared at her quizzically, "Uh..."

Xana all but stomped in, "Do you at least know what's going on here?"

"Actually, I do."

Xana perked up, "Really?"

"Oh, yeah. You see," Atton leaned in conspiratorially, careful to avoid the wall of his force cage. "A band of rogue Jawas bent on galaxy-wide domination infiltrated the mining facility by crawling through the sewage pipes. But they were only armed with squirt guns and rubber gizkas, so then-"

"Shut up."

"Hey, you walked right into that one, honey. My guess is about as good as yours. They stopped coming to check up on me shortly after they stopped feeding me. Now that's cruel. Although," Atton swiveled around as best he could in the cramped space, "The new diet has been working wonders for my glutes."

Xana's eye twitched. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. So who are you anyway?"

Atton smoothed back his hair and finger-gunned Xana. "Name's Atton Rand. 'Scuse me if I don't shake hands. This field only causes mild electrical burns."

Xana rolled her eyes. "Xana Dakari. 'Scuse me if I don't swoon, but you're annoying and imprisoned in a force cage."

"Hey, no need to be mean."

"You walked right into that one, honey," Xana mocked. "Now, since the official 'Heroes-With-Dubious-Light-Side-Alignments Handbook' states that I am not permitted to leave innocent civvies to their doom, I suggest you get to telling me why you're locked up in there."

"Why?"

"So I can determine whether to consider you a damsel in distress or a dangerous criminal, duh."

"Part of me wonders which would be worse," Atton mused. "Either way, the particulars are none of your business. Let's just say they threw me in here for violating some trumped-up regulation or other."

"No, seriously."

Atton shrugged, grinning smugly. "You can interrogate me all you want, but you're gonna have to let me out eventually. I'm the only one who can get access to the administration computer."

Xana smirked. "Wanna bet?"

"You're on."

Xana strode out the door and towards the administration console.

Atton leaned back lazily, counting aloud. "5...4...3...2...1..."

Xana came running back in, right on cue. "I'm in."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah. Must've slipped my mind that I was an expert slicer. Whoopsie."

"All right, all right. You've had your fun. Now let me out."

"No! Not until you tell me what you're in for. For all I know, you could be a psychopath, or a smuggler, or a highly trained assassin..." Xana paused to think for a moment, "Come to think of it, I'm all three of those things so I don't really have much to worry about. But regardless - I want your rap sheet, now."

Atton seemed a lot more nervous now that he'd heard Xana's revelation. Still, he persisted, "Don't think so."

"Alright then," Xana shrugged, "Guess I'll have to resort to drastic measures." She sat cross-legged on the floor and began to sing, "It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all. It's a small world AFTER ALL..."

"GAH! Fine, I'll tell you! Just make it stop!"

Xana stood up and began to tap her foot, "I'm waiting."

"Uh...well, it wasn't one big thing so much as it was a bunch of little things..."

"Such as?"

"Oh, you know. Streaking through the dorms, setting off firecrackers in the mining tunnels, slapping the management in the face with my gloves, sabotaging the fire suppressant systems in order to make ice pops, placing sonic mines in the refreshers, starting a massive food fight in the cafeteria then writing 'Coorta did it' on the wall in various condiments..."

"Are you quite finished yet?" Xana groaned.

"Nope!" Atton declared cheerfully. "What really did me in was when I programmed all the droids to wave their arms around and let out a high-pitched 'squee' whenever one of them received an order."

Xana could feel her hair turning grey. "Stupid handbook," she muttered, using the Force to slam down the release button for Atton's cage.

"Freedom!" Atton cheered, skipping toward the door. Xana facepalmed.

They ran over to the administration console and Atton began tapping away at the screens. "All righty then, now all we have to do is reroute the transmission signal, bounce it back to us, and...hey!"

"Already tried that, sunshine." Xana intoned condescendingly. "This port's been severed from the main hub, so there's no way of getting a signal in or out. However, I did manage to reach my droid, who survived whatever landed me here and is somehow now in the hangar bay. He should be unlocking the entrance into the mining tunnels any second now."

Atton looked at Xana in disbelief. "No way. There's probably nothing down there but droids and superheated rock! It would be suicide!"

"Well, according to T3, the only way to shut down the containment field around the hangar bay is by going through the fuel line and past the dormitory level. But you needn't worry your pretty little head about that, cause I'm gonna be the one risking my neck here."

"Again, why?" Atton asked, handing her a comlink anyway.

"Handbook." Xana replied, removing a tiny datapad from her pocket and waving it in the air. "And because you, sir, are an idiot."

With that, she put the comlink in her ear, drew her vibroblade, and took off down the hall.

Atton shrugged and plopped down in the nearest seat. "Meh. Not gonna deny it."

Xana held up the ugly brown-and-blue miner's uniform. "Oh, heeeeellllll no." she drawled, tossing the garment aside. She advanced into a circular room with a broken-down reactor.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty..." came the off-tune melody over the comlink. Xana cringed. She'd been able to ignore the first and second repetitions of the song, but really?

"ATTON! YOUR COMLINK IS ON!" she screamed.

The singing ceased. "Oh, sorry," he muttered. "By the way, I'd be quieter if I were you. You're sharing that mining tunnel with a batallion of droids."

Xana looked to the side, where the entrance to the tunnel lay. Hundreds of metal eyes were staring at her. "Oh, frag it." she grumbled. Xana charged forward, easily cutting a swath through the offending droids. They were weak enough that she didn't take any significant damage, despite being heavily outnumbered.

However, after being zapped in the arse for the tenth time, she decided enough was enough. She hopped up on top of a barely functional reactor. With a flick of her hand, the room lit up with a torrent of Force lightning and the ten nearest droids fell. The same number of droids waddled forward to replace the first group, and they too were fried. Then another group blindly came forth, then another. Soon, Xana had run out of droids to zap,

"You know," Xana wondered aloud, "the fact that these things were able to completely overrun the place really leaves me questioning the intelligence level at this facility."

In moments, Xana's vision blackened and was replaced by a full-frontal closeup of Kreia's face.

"GAH!" Xana screamed, clutching her chest. "Okay, gave me a heart attack there. Mind backing up from the camera and getting some contact lenses, Stalky?"

Kreia narrowed her eyes, but backed up nonetheless. "I apologize for the inconvenience, sarcastic one, but I want bacon."

Xana sighed wearily. "Kreia, you're in the medical wing. There is no fragging bacon-"

"Found some!" Kreia shouted happily, diving headlong into the plasteel container. When she came up, she was gnawing on some strange brown strips.

"Kreia! Don't put random objects in your mouth!" Xana cried frantically. "Especially if they're brown...that's just asking for trouble right there."

"Buh ih tashtes likk bacon!" Kreia protested, now having shoved almost ten of the strips into her mouth.

Xana finally caught sight of the wrapper at the bottom of the container. "Kreia," she said carefully, "Those are Wampa treats."

Kreia's eyes widened and she spat the treats into her palm. The old woman shrugged, shoving them into her robe pocket. "Meh. I'll save these for the minions."

"What?"

"I meant to say...that those certainly were foul. I do believe that I need something to wash my mouth out with." Kreia hurriedly corrected herself. She grabbed the nearest bottle, which contained a bubbling blue liquid, and guzzled from it.

"Refresher bowl cleaner," Xana sighed.

Kreia spat again, though she inspected the bottle curiously. "It wasn't that bad, really."

"Were you ever dropped on your head as a baby?"

"Pfft. You think you are so perceptive and intelligent!" Kreia exploded indignantly. "What, I suppose next you are going to tell me that this isn't a hairbrush?" She picked up a circular brush and began to comb it through her hair.

Xana groaned, "Please tell me you didn't find that next to the refresher bowl cleaner."

"Uh..."

"Oh my gosh." Xana muttered. "Was there even any point to this Force vision, or do you simply want me to sit back and watch you fail at life?"

Kreia's eyes brightened. "Ah, now I have remembered." She brandished the brush in the air and announced, "I have sensed that the Force has been reawakened in you." She then waved her arms around and began to make 'ooooooo' noises again.

Xana's jaw dropped. She ranted, "Are you freaking senile? I was never cut off from the Force! I've been using it this whole time and you choose to bother me just now?"

Kreia's arms dropped. "Oh." she muttered blankly. "Spare me some patience, child. These old Force skills are not as finely honed as they used to be. Now, leave me to my wampa treats and refresher bowl cleaner." The vision faded slowly.

Xana shook her head, trying to clear it.. She opened her eyes to see the empty mining tunnel once again.

"Aw come on, what did I do now?" Atton shouted over the comlink.

"What are you talking about?"

"You tell me! You're the one going ballistic the moment I tried to contact you! And I am not senile, thank you very much. I prefer to think of it as...edumacationally challenged."

Xana snapped, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the creepy old woman in my head!"

Awkward silence reigned for a moment before Atton ventured, "Uh...yay?"

"Never mind, I'll just go shut down the containment fields."

"Yeah, you do that." The comm channel went silent. Xana facepalmed.

She activated her stealth belt. Weaving in between droids, she crept down a metal catwalk and logged into the control console. Typing quickly, she accessed the containment chamber controls and entered in a classic hack-all slicing code.

{FAILURE: INSUFFICIENT SPIKES}

"What the-?" She entered in the code again, making sure to type more carefully.

{FAILURE: INSUFFICIENT SPIKES}

"Grrrrr..." She typed in a highly effective code, one that almost always broke even the most stubborn of systems.

{CONDESCENDING ERROR: WHAT PART OF 'FAILURE: INSUFFICIENT SPIKES' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?}

"Oh, come on!" Xana muttered angrily, kicking the console. The screen blanked out then whirred to life a moment later. Xana held her breath, hoping beyond hope...

{FAILURE: EDUMACATIONALLY CHALLENGED USER.}

"Frag it!" Xana screamed.

Every droid in the room swiveled its' head around in confusion, trying to determine where the noise came from. Xana clamped her hands over her mouth, frozen with terror at the thought of having her arse zapped again. When the droids went back to patrolling, she activated her comlink and whispered, "Atton? Atton, are you there?"

"Why yes, Mr. Mining Droid, of course you can have more tea...oh..." his voice took on a much deeper and more macho tone, "Um...yes, of course. What do you need, Xana?"

"I can't shut down the containment fields because I don't have enough spikes and my regular slicing codes won't work."

"Isn't there some kind of super-powerful code entry you can use? You know, some last-resort trick you've got up your sleeve?"

Xana pondered a moment. "You know, there is. An absolute last resort, guaranteed to crack absolutely anything. But..." she paused dramatically and stared wide-eyed at the ceiling, "It may end life for us as we know it."

"Xana, you've got to do it. If you don't, we'll be trapped in here and eventually die anyway."

"I know, I know." Xana heaved a long, mournful sigh. "Atton, if we don't make it out of this...I just want you to know that...that...I love you."

Atton's voice brightened on the other end and he shouted happily, "REALLY?"

"No, not really. I still think you're an idiot. Bye." Xana hung up on him.

"Okay, here goes nothing..."

Xana braced herself and began to type.

{input code: uber_destructive_self_destruct_sequence_of_ultimate_destruction_1337_CHUCK_NORRIS}

She dove for the floor, scrambling to cover her ears and get into a fetal position. "Oh frag, what have I done?" she moaned.

All the remaining droids in the mining tunnels immediately stopped in their tracks. Speakers began to protrude from their chassis.

Suddenly, the air was filled with obnoxious pop music. A piercing pre-pubescent voice then rang through the room. "Baby, baby, baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, OHHHHHH!"

The containment fields immediately flickered and shorted out from the sheer atrocity. The reactors followed suit; metal groaning in protest before they all randomly burst into flames. All of the droids began to leak fuel from their servos. The core of each and every one exploded, finally sending the room into silence.

Xana placed one shaky hand on the railing, then another. Slowly, she hauled herself back to her feet.

"Never...again..." she panted.

Her comlink sprang to life. "Xana, what did you do? The droid I was having a tea party with...uh...and by tea party I mean manly fight to the death...started spewing this awful noise, then exploded."

"That was the 'last resort' in action right there. Now, on to the next order of business..."

"Which would be?"

Xana sniffed and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Let us take a moment in silence to mourn the latest victims of Bieber fever." She took a moment to collect herself, then continued on, "Though they were mechanical, and essentially bent on eliminating us, it was indeed a horrible way to go. So let us then remember their valiant sacrifices-"

"Xana, the mining tunnels are gonna be molten slag in thirty seconds."

"Frag this, I'm outta here."

One epic escape, ten fried droids, and two plasma bolts to the arse later, Xana stood in the mechanical bay of the facility. She was looking around the nondescript hallways, rocking back and forth on the heels of her feet. "What to do, what to do."

Suddenly, a familiar metal chassis caught her eye. A gigantic grin spread across her face. Could it be?

"HK!" she cried gleefully. She ran into the workshop and glomped onto the unsuspecting droid. "Love the new paint job, by the way!"

The droid's photoreceptors turned to her. "Creeped-out Reply: How very nice to see you again, Master! Although I did not expect such a reunion so...replete in organic customs." He grabbed a nearby crowbar and began to attempt to pry Xana off of him.

"'Organic'? Since when do you use the term 'organic'? Have you gone and glitched up the sarcasm programming I gave you? I told you not to download strange mods from the HoloNet!" Xana nagged.

"Awkward Cover-up: Ah yes, the programming you gave me. It is quite glitched indeed."

"You are HK-47 right? The droid I built with my own two hands and occasionally enjoy using as a marshmallow roaster?"

"Blatant lie: Of course I am! And not a streamlined assassin droid masquerading as a protocol droid in order to capture you for the Exchange while simultaneously razing through this entire complex. Heh, heh."

"Who are you and what have you done with HK-47!" Xana shrieked.

"Condescending/Innocent Answer: Why, I was a protocol droid aboard the Harbinger, of course. I somehow was transferred onto your ship, and was being held for repairs in this mechanical bay. As a result, I do not know what happened to your obsolete HK unit."

The droid was momentarily cut off by a muffled banging inside a nearby supply closet. "Desperate Plea: Oh, Master, is that you? Please, help me! He is keeping me captive and coercing me to watch holo-recordings of the last Galactic Peace Conference! I beg of you, let me out!"

The silver HK unit announced loudly: "Obvious Distraction: Also, have I mentioned that I am not an assassin droid? And that I have information as to the airlock you seek?"

"Really?" Xana drawled doubtfully.

"Affirmative answer: Oh, yes. The maintenance officer sealed it with a voice lock, but, unfortunately, he has expired. Of course, this was not my doing, seeing as I am clearly not an assassin droid."

Xana looked down at the comatose form on the floor. There wasn't a scratch on him, or any other indication that he had sustained bodily harm. "Are you sure? He doesn't look like the droids got him."

"Affirmative answer: Do not be fooled, Master. I have a sound recording of the event. Would you like to hear it?"

Xana shook her head quickly, "No, I really wouldn't..."

"Gleeful exclamation: Too late!"

"Initiating playback: The droids are drilling through the door...somebody help, please...oh no, they've gotten through!"

The sound of metal clanking on metal played for awhile. Then came a strange sliding noise that sounded like a viewscreen sliding out. "What's going on? They've surrounded me but all I can see are screens!"

More obnoxious pop music began to play. "You get the best of both galaxies! Smile and do a hair flip, then you rock out the ship!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Xana's face was etched with pure horror. She fell to her knees in shock. "That poor, poor man," she sobbed.

"Wait a second." Xana peeked up at the droid. "You said you can play back voice recordings. So why can't you play back the code for the console?"

"Insulted Answer: Why, Master! That would violate the ethical code that we not-assassin droids are rumored to possess!"

Xana glared at the HK unit. "Come with me." She dragged him out of the room and towards the airlock console.

Minutes later, the muffled banging resumed. "Query: Master? Master?"

A narrator's voice could be heard from inside the cabinet. "Fearful Exclamation: Oh no! Not a clip of baby Ewoks! Anything but that! NOOOOOOOO!"

Xana went up the the console and typed in her 'emergency' code again.

"Do you recognize this code?" she asked the droid.

"Shocked Exclamation: You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh. I would. And it works on all droids."

"[Nervous gulp]"

"Play. It. Back." Xana commanded.

"Reluctant Replay: Entry Code – Dufflemuffins."

"Wow. I can see why you'd be reluctant to play that back."

"Weary Admittance: You have no idea what I put up with."

Xana opened the airlock and prepared to make the first step.

In mere moments, she found herself almost falling over the other edge of the walkway. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she screamed, flailing around to keep her balance. Tentatively, she turned and tried to make another step. Instead, she took ten rapid ones.

"What the-?" Xana looked at the arm of her space suit. On it was a screen that read:

{AUTOMATIC CAFFEINE DISPENSAL FUNCTION: ACTIVATED.}

Xana tilted her head to the sky. "WHY ME?" she bellowed again. She could already feel herself beginning to bounce on the heels of her feet. There was no time to spare. She and caffeine had never mixed well. Xana broke off into a hyperactive, zero gravity run.

She'd only made it halfway before the caffeine took over. She activated her built in comlink and screamed, "HEY ATTON! !"

"What?"

"Look at me, I'm in space! And I like rainbows! And caffa! Wheeheeheeheeheeheehee!" Xana began to twirl around on the metal walkway, tripping and stumbling like a Gammorrean ballerina.

Atton scrambled to the viewport, holding a little pink teacup in his left hand. Xana saw him pick up the comlink and shout, "What are you doing out there? Sensors indicate that the flow of Peragian gas has been diverted to the outer walkways! You need to get out of there now, mainly because I'm in the middle of something and my imaginary friends won't wait forever!"

Xana spied the pinkish-purple streams of gas. Her gloved hands flew to her space helmet and she began to bounce up and down excitedly. "Yay, a near-death situation!"

Atton looked at her quizzically. "Are you on spice?"

Xana tried to wave him off nonchalantly, but it looked more like she was having a mini-seizure in her arm. "Pfft, no! Just oodles and oodles of caffeine!" she declared, punctuating her sentence with another clumsy twirl.

Just as she had steadied herself, however, a massive Republic cruiser passed by the mining facility. It swerved and screeched a few times, flying in a rough serpentine pattern. A loading ramp extended from the facility, but the cruiser overshot it and had to back up. Alas, the cruiser crashed into the ramp on its' return trip, effectively denting it. It was then that Xana and Atton began to pick up a transmission from the bridge.

A scratchy, deep voice with a cultured Coruscanti accent came over the comlinks. "Confound this blasted piece of technology! I say, I have never before endured the indignity of having to align a ship with a loading ramp so small! And with the Force, no less! Hmph, the very nerve!"

Xana and Atton traded sidelong glances with each other as the ship attached to the loading ramp. The voice continued to prattle on, "Ah, there we go. Now to retire and wait for the imbeciles to randomly wander onto my ship. I do believe a bubble bath is in order – fluffy robes, sugar cookies, drinking evil tea and all that."

The voice faded away and awkward silence reigned over the comlink channel.

Atton spoke up, "So, uh..."

Xana gasped and raised her hands in surprise. She pointed at the Harbinger and declared, "EH MY GAWSH, IT'S A SHIP!"

Atton facepalmed. "Oh, this is definitely not gonna end well."