Oh Frag, Not Again: Chapter 3
A/N: Sorry for the late update and all that shizz. The next chapter's already written so it shouldn't take as long.
Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading AND reviewing this chapter, and to all the smashtastic readers who dropped me a review. Now, without further ado...COMMENCE THE RANDOMNESS.
Flash code. A freaking flash code. Even after fighting tooth-and-nail to get to the dormitory console, she still had to enter in an encoded password?
"Ah, screw this," Xana snapped. She raised her hand and fried the console with Force lightning.
The turbolift dinged and slid open. "Now that's more like it," Xana commented happily as she stepped inside.
A Sith assassin stood by the lift controls, vibroblade raised in anticipation. Xana just waved at him nonchalantly.
"Hey, Tom. It's me, Revan."
The assassin did a double-take and retracted his vibroblade. Xana had no doubt that he wore a surprised expression behind his mask. "Revan? Hey, long time no see!"
"No kidding. How are the wife and kids?" Xana asked. Quickly, she added, "Oh, admin level please."
Tom pressed the button and replied, "Pretty good. The two boys are excelling in their evil minion training and I've got another on the way."
"Congrats," Xana replied. "Hey, you haven't been sent to stop my escape, have you?"
"Ah, nope. Sion sent me to patrol the uppermost floor for survivors. Lucky me, eh?"
"Yep, lucky you." The two stood in awkward silence for a few moments, rocking back and forth on their feet and listening to the annoying Broadway music playing over the speakers. Suddenly, the turbolift dinged again and the doors slid open.
"Ah well, that's my floor. See ya, Tom – and do try to stay away from the hangar bay for the next couple of hours, kay?"
"Will do, Revan." The assassin gave Xana a casual salute and closed the turbolift doors.
"Well, that was slightly awkward," Xana commented under her breath. She turned around and jumped in fright.
Kreia had stuck her head into the turbolift hall and was staring eerily at Xana again.
"Will you stop that?" Xana screamed.
Kreia stepped into the hall, adjusting her hood smugly, "Sarcastic one, I sense that danger is afoot. We must leave at once, lest our enemies overwhelm us."
Xana pointed backwards, "Yeah, I kinda gathered that from the assassin in the turbolift. Let's go." The two ran down the halls – Xana making sure that Kreia was in front at all times – and into the administration room. They found Atton watching a recorded holodrama on the computer terminal.
"Por que, Rodrigo? POR QUE?" Atton wailed, sniffling and clutching a tissue. Xana walked up behind him and cleared her throat loudly. He jumped up, swiping at his eyes frantically, "Uh...I was totally not just crying and watching holodramas. My eyes were just...leaking. In a very manly fashion, of course."
"Of course," Kreia drawled sarcastically.
Atton screamed like a little girl and hopped on top of the console. "ZOMBIE!" he screeched, wadding up his tissue and throwing it at Kreia's head.
Xana rolled her eyes and used the Force to pull Atton off of the console. He smacked face-first into the floor with a dull thud.
"She and I have already been over this, Atton. Kreia is not a zombie...just really, really, really creepy."
"I am still here, sarcastic one," Kreia deadpanned.
"Yep, I know. Now let's go infiltrate us a poorly-docked, Sith-packed ship!" Xana cheered, throwing her hands into the air excitedly.
"Why?" Atton groaned.
Xana replied, "Because the dolphins in my head told me to." Her eyes grew wide and she regarded him with an eerie stare. She added in a creepy monotone, "The dolphins are never wrong, Atton."
"Um... really?"
Xana returned to normal and rolled her eyes, "No, di'kut. We're storming the ship so we can climb into the hangar bay through the fuel line. Now come on."
"Dramatically-timed Statement: I don't think so." HK-50 stepped from the shadows, brandishing a huge blaster rifle.
"Oh great, it's the HK-47 ripoff come to save the day," Xana snapped.
Kreia whispered, "Quick, sarcastic one, I require a weapon." Xana rummaged through her bag while the droid prattled on about how ingeniously subtle its' plan was. Mining lasers...no. Extra vibroblade...no. Frag grenades...oh, hell no.
"Aha!" Xana proclaimed. She drew out the plasma torch and handed it to Kreia. "Smack it on the head with that."
Kreia scowled and said nothing. Xana, however, turned her attention back to the droid.
"Okay, look. As much as I'd prefer to sic the real HK on you and eat popcorn from the sidelines, I've got an epic escape to get on with. So if you wouldn't mind..."
"Amused Statement: As you wish, organic." Four mines automatically emerged from stealth mode and began to float toward Xana. She simply zapped them with Force lightning, damaging the HK unit in the process.
Kreia took this opportunity to pounce. She ran forward and began hitting the side of HK-50's head with her plasma torch, declaring, "Take that! And that! Bring it, you awful droid – I've got a durasteel hip!" So caught up in her 'battle' was Kreia, that she didn't notice she was hitting HK with the wrong end of the – unlit - plasma torch.
HK-50's photoreceptors flitted to Kreia, and back to Xana.
"Incredulous Question: Really?"
Xana rolled her eyes, "You have no idea. Anywhoo, let's get on with this."
Xana Force-jumped forward, landing a diagonal strike across the droid's chassis. She rolled behind it and ducked under its' arm. Using the Force to amplify her strength, she then grabbed HK-50's blaster rifle and wrenched it out of its' grasp.
"I win."
With that, Xana blasted HK-50's processor at point-blank. The droid's photoreceptors blinked once and it declared, "Self-destruct sequence activated."
"Oh, frag," Xana muttered. She dropped the rifle and ran away, calling behind her, "Keep at it, Kreia! I'm just gonna go get some more ammo for my vibroblade!"
Kreia looked up, "Wait a minute...vibroblades don't need-"
BLAM!
The droid exploded, sending Kreia flying back at least five meters.
"That was epic! Do it again!" Atton cheered.
Xana proclaimed quickly, "Poor Kreia. Oh well, her valiant sacrifice will be honored and she will be forever remembered as the creepy old lady who liked to stalk me. May she be with the Force and all that, come on Atton!" Xana seized Atton's wrist and sprinted for the docking ramp.
"I am not dead yet, sarcastic one, merely a little stunned. But I thank you for your concern." Xana whipped around to see Kreia slowly getting up.
"Oh, yay," she declared halfheartedly, waving her hands in mock enthusiasm. "And here I thought we'd have to go on without someone to do your special job."
Kreia dusted herself off regally, sticking her chin up with a smug air. "I am glad someone has decided to make use of my unique abilities. What is it that you need done?"
"Well, I have a task for you that is vital to our infiltrating the Harbinger. You'll walk in the very front and use your astounding sensory skills to warn us of approaching enemies."
"That is my task?"
"Oh yes. It's called 'being a meat-shield.'" Xana replied, adding air quotes.
Kreia scowled at Xana again. She had just opened her mouth to speak, when a metallic scraping echoed from the nearby door.
"Oh, what now?" Xana yelled.
The turbolift door to the maintenance level blasted off its' hinges in an epic explosion. The metal plate barely missed the three humans as it flew across the room, now reduced to a twisted husk. Amidst the flames, smoke, and debris on the other side of the entrance, the silhouette of a robotic chassis slowly strode forth. And, from the looks of the shadow, it carried a really big blaster carbine.
Atton's jaw dropped in horror and Kreia stared on impassively. Xana, on the other hand, was bouncing up and down with a huge, open-mouthed grin plastered on her face.
From the carnage emerged none other than HK-47, who immediately brandished his carbine in a hardcore pose. As if to amplify the sheer awesomeness of the moment, several more mining droids exploded behind him, creating a dramatic if not slightly cliché backdrop.
Xana was on the verge of having a seizure from pure happiness...until her gaze traveled down to the droid's chassis. Her grin faded and was replaced with an expression of pure horror. She spat out, "HK! What are you wearing?"
Alas, once the explosions and fanfare had faded, it had become apparent that Xana's precious droid was bedecked in a frilly dress. The garment was an eye-searing shade of hot pink, with puffy sleeves and an obscene amount of white lace trimmings. The thing was doused in glitter and trailed the floor; this forced the otherwise imposing droid to carry the train of the dress in one mechanical hand.
Worse yet, makeup had been garishly applied to HK-47's photoreceptors and vocabulator. It would take hours for Xana to scrub all that lipstick and mascara out!
HK ignored Xana's question and bellowed, "Enraged Demand: WHERE IS HE? That accursed HK-50 model shall pay for this indignity!"
Xana, still shielding her eyes from HK's dress, replied, "Ah, sorry HK. I just offed him a few minutes ago. If I'd known you were here, I would've let you take care of him instead."
She could've sworn she saw HK's photoreceptor twitch. The droid wisely chose not to launch into a tirade. Incompetent or not, this was Revan after all.
"HK, do you think you could...oh, I don't know, torch that thing before I go blind?"
"Irritated Statement: Master, don't you think I have tried by now? The fabric has proved to be quite resistant to pressure, sonic blasts, cryoban freezing, and even fire. Unfortunately, I am also unable to remove it, as HK units lack the necessary flexibility to maneuver out of such an abomination."
"Then how did you get into that thing in the first place?"
"Confused Answer: I do not know, Master. After I was deactivated, I have no recollection of events up until I was reactivated in that infernal storage closet."
Xana patted the droid's shoulder joint reassuringly, "It's okay, HK. I'll get you out of that thing as soon as we get my lightsabers back." She smiled and sing-songed, "And guess what surprise I've got for you?"
"Hopeful Query: More meatbags to blast?"
"Yep!"
HK-47 raised his metallic arms above his head and cheered, "Excited Interjection: YAYYYYYY!" He picked up the train of his dress in one hand, hefted his blaster in the other, and sprinted up the docking ramp. Xana followed suit, leaving Atton and Kreia behind.
Atton muttered, "Oh, great. Two psychotically random assassins in the group – might as well turn ourselves in to the Sith right now."
Kreia stared at him for a moment, regarding him with those blank eyes of hers. She raised her plasma torch and shouted, "For the bacon!" before sprinting up the docking ramp as well.
Atton facepalmed and grumbled to himself, "I am not following those loonies." Immediately, a contingent of Mark II mining droids emerged from the maintenance turbolift and locked onto Atton. He gulped and let out a soft 'meep'.
"Don't leave meeeeee!" he bellowed, running onto the docking ramp.
The door whooshed open, revealing a carnage-strewn, unmanned bridge.
Kreia sniffed disdainfully, "Been there, done that."
HK-47 seemed somewhat disappointed, and Atton looked like he was about to be sick. Xana stepped into the room and drawled, "Whoa...serious deja vu. Total rip off the Endar Spire, only it's better cause there's no Trask."
"Did someone say my name?" Trask's Force-ghost intoned gleefully, suddenly standing next to Xana.
Atton jumped back, screaming like a girl and feebly swatting at the apparition. Upon seeing that no one else was doing this, he immediately tried to turn it into a cough.
Xana glared at Trask's Force-ghost, "Will you get out of here?"
"Fine," the apparition said petulantly. "If you're going to be such a meanie-head, then maybe I'll just go and not tell you about the cloaked Sith assassins on this ship." As he faded, he summoned a ghostly top-hat and fake mustache out of thin air and declared, "Good day to you all!"
Xana let out a prolonged sigh and Force-jumped over to the navicomputer. The floor had very few bare spots left and Xana didn't feel like playing a very morbid game of hopscotch at the moment.
"So...Sith assassins, huh?" she commented as she downloaded the information. "And here I thought this was going to be easy."
"Your overconfidence – and your lack of bacon – will be your downfall," Kreia crooned ominously.
"Sure it will," Xana replied sarcastically. She vaulted off the navicomputer, ran the length of the central console, then flipped back to her companions' side. "And sheer talent has nothing to do with my fate, I presume?"
"Ooh, burn!" Atton taunted, pointing a finger at Kreia. Lightning sparked from the old woman's hands and Atton automatically ducked behind Xana.
Xana sighed and dragged Atton into the hall, motioning for HK and Kreia to follow. "Come on, we might as well find those Sith assassins and get it over with."
"Excellent," Kreia agreed smugly, "I shall begin my meat-shield duties immediately."
Xana crept down the stark white, eerily deserted hallway. Or at least, she crept as well as she could while vying with Atton for the penumbra of safety right behind Kreia.
"Hold on," Kreia held up a hand, stopping the three others outside a door. "I sense something."
"What?" Xana whispered.
"We...we..." Kreia muttered, glancing around as if sensing some unseen force. "We are in a hallway."
"That's it?" Xana deadpanned, glaring at the old woman.
"You did not let me finish. We are in a hallway...and I must pee."
Xana rolled her eyes and groaned, "Lucky for you, we stopped right outside a refresher. Try not to take too long, accidentally get flushed, lock yourself in the cabinet, trap yourself in a toilet-paper cocoon, or do something equally stupid, alright?"
Kreia narrowed her eyes but remained silent, swiftly entering the room. When she exited some time later, Xana did a double-take at her.
"Kreia...why are your teeth blue?"
"I merely found these delectable mints laying around in the refresher," Kreia explained, holding up a large blue tablet the size of her palm. "It's a wonder they haven't already been eaten by the crew."
"That's because they are auto-cleaning refresher tablets," Xana ground out, facepalming. "You know, the kind you flush down the refresher to clean it and-" Xana stopped, realizing that Kreia's attention had already been stolen by a passing moth. She sighed, "Oh...whatever. Kreia, just take your 'mints' and let's go."
Xana led the way until they came to a two-way intersection in the hall. "This isn't good," she murmured, seeing the bodies on the floor. "We need to find a way out ASAP, but that'll also mean splitting up when there's assassins on the loose."
Kreia, who had been happily munching on refresher tablets at the back of the group, finally spoke up, "I sense something again." Seeing the disapproving glare on Xana's face, she added, "And no, it has nothing to do with refreshers. Quiet your voices, still your thoughts, so that I may sense these beings with more clarity."
Kreia turned her back to the group and tilted her face to the ceiling, apparently deep in concentration.
All fell silent for a moment...that is, until assassins materialized behind Xana and Atton. The nearest one grabbed Xana in a headlock, while his companion busied himself with twisting Atton's arm behind his back. HK-47 was happily blasting away at the other two, maniacal robotic laughter emanating from his vocabulator.
Xana couldn't help but stare in disbelief. There was something oddly disturbing about watching a rampaging homicidal droid in a pink dress. Even if it did make HK look kinda pretty.
Or were those the subconscious dolphins talking?
Her vision blackened at the edges, and she snapped back to reality. Oh right, there's an assassin trying to kill me.
"Krei-" Xana choked out, struggling against the sudden pressure on her windpipe. "Kr-Kreia!"
"Quiet, sarcastic one," Kreia admonished, still breathing deeply and closing her eyes. "I have almost sensed the location of the threat."
Aw, frag it, Xana thought. If you're gonna do something right, you gotta do it yourself.
Just as the assassin was reaching for his dagger, Xana summoned up a purple ball of pent-up energy and let out a massive Force Repulse. The surprised assassin immediately lost his grip on Xana as he was catapaulted into the wall with a satisfying smack. Xana ran at the assassin gripping Atton, knocking him down with a jump-kick. Within seconds, she unsheathed both vibroblades and brought them down in an X-formation. The assassin barely managed to parry it, giving Atton the ideal opportunity to finish him off with blaster-fire.
"Sensing...sensing," Kreia crooned in the foreground, oblivious to the fight taking place behind her.
Xana sighed with relief as the last two assassins fell at HK's feet. She strode over to Kreia, about to give her a smack upside the head, when the older woman turned around with a triumphant grin.
"Aha! Be cautious, sarcastic one, for the threat lurks right...behind-" Kreia trailed off, surveying the assassins on the floor. "When did those get there?" she exclaimed.
Xana looked around the hallways cautiously. They were nearing the maintenance shaft, but something just didn't feel right. Maybe it was the flickering lights, maybe it was the eerie silence, maybe it was the blue-toothed old woman creepily staring at the back of her head...
No, something was definitely amiss.
"I've got a bad feeling about this," Xana and Atton said in unison.
"Shush," Kreia interjected, "I sense a presence...one that reminds me of bagpipes and exploding kittens." Her blank eyes widened. "He is here."
"Who?" Xana asked cautiously.
Atton gulped and pointed a shaky finger behind them, "I think she means him."
Xana turned around, nearly crapping herself as she took in the creature before them. Her eyes went wide, following his every movement with morbid curiosity. The man walking towards her was the closest thing to a zombie she'd ever seen. It was like something out of a nightmare – which was saying something, considering she'd seen a lot of scary things in the Unknown Regions. He strode in a straight line, emanating power and inducing fear by his very presence.
Modeling music began to thrum throughout the intercom, the beat of the obnoxious pop music seamlessly matching the monster's steps. He whirled around and bellowed at a lone assassin, "Tom! I said play the ominous music for my entry – the ominous music! Now my dramatic entrance has been sullied, you insufferable ninny!"
Xana fought to suppress a peal of laughter, all fear suddenly far from her mind. No Sith lord who posed an actual danger would dare use the word 'ninny'. As she recalled, Malak found this out the hard way that one time she'd tried to throw him a surprise party.
Xana was amusedly recalling a mental image of Malak with a lampshade over his head, when Kreia brought her out of her reverie.
"I'll hold him off!" declared Kreia. She drew a vibroblade hilt from within one of her braids and activated it.
"Where did you get that?" Xana exclaimed.
Kreia shrugged, "You'd be amazed at the things I lose back there and simply forget. Now, no more questions. Make your escape, sarcastic one!" Kreia charged at the man, vibroblade raised high.
The door slammed shut. At that moment, Xana chose to drawl unenthusiastically, "Kreia, nooooo….it's too dangerous and all that shizz. Oh well, too late now." She turned back to Atton and HK, "Hey, I wonder if there's an armory here. Preferably, an abandoned armory filled with epic weapons."
Atton looked back at the door and replied urgently, "I think what little time we do have left would be better spent, oh, I don't know, running for our lives!"
Xana mock-slapped Atton across the face and declared indignantly, "I am a smuggler, and a lady besides! There is always time for looting if I say so!"
Atton recoiled and conceded, "Eh…I guess I could do with a pair of decent blasters. 'Sides, you scare me a lot worse than that zombie dude does."
"Awww, you flatter me."
Kreia and Sion circled each other with deadly intensity. The only sounds passing between them were the buzz of Kreia's vibroblade and the hum of Sion's crimson lightsaber.
"So, you have mastered the art of betrayal then?" Kreia sneered. "At least you have learned one tenet of my teachings correctly."
"I need be held back by your teachings no longer," the other Sith snarled back. "I do not stand in your shadow, I have been empowered by my struggles."
"The struggle between light and dark, life and death, as you-" Kreia began ominously, but was cut off by Sion.
"Emotional struggles, my former master," Sion replied, his voice cracking slightly. "But of course you cannot grasp that concept!"
"Oh, here we go again," Kreia muttered.
"I have triumphed over the traumatic memories of your cold treatment, lack of encouragement, questionable training methods, and the fact that you CONSTANTLY CRITICIZED ME!" Sion yelped, snatching a box of chocolates from behind a nearby plasteel container. He sat on the floor and began to eat the chocolates while slowly rocking back and forth. "All I wanted was a pony!" he sobbed.
"You are a miserable excuse for a Sith," Kreia muttered disapprovingly.
Xana called from the corridor, "Yeah, and coming from Kreia, that's really sayin' something!"
"Quiet, sarcastic one!" she screamed, before turning back to Sion, "And as for you-"
Sion's comlink beeped and he held up one finger to silence Kreia. "One moment, I have to take this," he said hurriedly. Speaking into the comlink, he replied, "I'm so glad you called, I really need to vent. Yes, she's with me right now. Yes…yes…I know. But it's so hard, especially when she never wants to just open up and talk!"
"Who is that?" Kreia snapped.
"My therapist!"
Kreia facepalmed. "I do believe we are supposed to be in the middle of a duel!" she yelled exasperatedly. "Now is not the time for your effeminate 'issues'."
Sion held the comlink away from his ear, "My therapist says you need to stop, assess your words, and maybe look into a few anger management classes." He could have sworn he saw steam coming out of Kreia's ears.
Kreia stood there, eye twitching slightly, as she watched Sion 'vent' to his therapist. His whining reached a crescendo as he began to wave his still-activated lightsaber around frantically. He began to pace back and forth, and she realized with alarm that he was coming just a tad too close…
With a distinct sizzling noise, Sion's lightsaber arced through the air and made contact with Kreia's wrist. So engrossed was he in bawling into a tissue, that he didn't even notice until Kreia screamed out a string of words that definitely should not be coming from a little old lady.
"Yep, you definitely should look into those anger management classes. Maybe a little yoga or a meditative retreat…"
"GIVE ME THAT, YOU IMBECILE!" Kreia bellowed, reaching for his comlink with her good hand.
"You see, this is exactly the type of negative communication that my therapist says is bad for your 'inner balance'."
Kreia snatched his comlink with the Force and, levitating it in front of her, sent a torrent of Force lightning sailing towards it. She heard a shriek and a satisfying thud on the other end.
"Now that I have been slain," Kreia panted, gesturing toward her arm, "Finish me off. Fulfill the role you were meant to serve as my Sith apprentice."
"Can't you see I'm having a moment here!" Sion bawled again. "And besides, at our last slumber party, Nihilus and I agreed that we wouldn't kill you no matter what!"
Kreia seethed, "Tell me, why would my apprentices conspire to directly violate Sith doctrine?"
"Well, you see, we would have done it a long time ago, except we kinda like being known as the 'Sith Tirumvirate'. It has quite the nice ring to it; problem is, you need three people for a triumvirate. Otherwise – what would we be then? The Sith Duo? The Duet of Evilness? It simply wouldn't be the same for the citizens of the Republic to scream in fear, 'Look out, here approaches the Duet of Evilness!'"
"Get to the point, Sion," Kreia ground out.
"Originally, we were just going to find a really darksided gizka to replace you, as we both figured the creature would be infinitely more competent. But then we decided you made better brownies…and there was also the complication of his idiotic apprentice stepping on the gizka."
"So…you're just going to let me go then?"
"Pretty much."
Kreia and Sion looked around the room nervously, not knowing how to go about this whole 'letting your enemy escape on purpose' thing.
"This is awkward," Kreia muttered, still not moving.
"Shall I turn to the wall and begin counting, or something?" Sion suggested helpfully.
Kreia randomly confessed, "Remember when you were a child and I told you that your stuffed bantha ran away from home? I really threw it out the airlock."
"Mr. Fluffems!" Sion wailed, before getting into a fetal position and rocking back and forth on the floor.
Kreia quietly slipped away, at least feeling that the farce of a battle had yielded a small victory.
Meanwhile, Xana and Atton were just about to crawl into the Harbinger's fuel line. Suddenly, Xana collapsed on her side and clutched her hand, screaming, "Holy dancing pickles and frag grenades above!"
Atton rushed to her side and helped her sit up. "What's the matter?" he asked worriedly.
HK stepped forward as well, "Anxious Query: Master, are you all right? Would it make you feel better if I blasted the incompetent pilot meatbag?"
Xana contemplated it for a moment, but shook her head no. She muttered, "Augh…I feel…I feel like my hand's been dipped in molten carbonite. And, strangely, I also feel a raging irritation with Darth Sion's therapist."
Atton fixed her with his very best 'WTF' expression. Xana shrugged, "Yeah, I dunno."
He helped Xana to her feet and gestured toward the dark hatch. "All right, well, you look fine to me. Let's keep moving…um, are you sure this is the right one?"
Xana recovered and declared brightly, "Only one way to find out!" She promptly shoved Atton head-first into the fuel hatch.