"Owwwww," Atton groaned, slowly rolling over to stare at the top of the fuel line. "Xana?"
Xana leapt into the fuel line then, executing a neat tumble-roll, cartwheel, and handstand. Several Sith assassins peeked into the entrance, holding up signs that had "10" written on them.
"Showoff," Atton muttered.
Xana righted herself and shrugged, looking around the fuel line curiously, "S'not my fault you can't stick a landing. Meanwhile, isn't it uncanny that these things are man-sized when they only need to transport liquid?"
"I know," Atton agreed, looking around suspiciously. "It's like someone somewhere is obviously trying to further some kind of plot. Or something."
"I like turtles," Xana declared randomly. "As irrelevant as that is, I do believe that…holy shizz, it's T3!" Xana kneeled down and swept the droid into a crushing hug, ignoring its' beeps of protest.
Atton took a cautionary step back, "This one's not homicidal too, is it?"
"Not really," Xana declared nonchalantly. She looked up at the entrance to the fuel hatch and bellowed, "HK! Get in here, we found T3!"
"Sarcastic Statement: Oh joy, just when I thought the day couldn't get any better!" The droid clambered down into the hatch, still holding the train of his dress, and tried to array himself into as threatening a pose as possible.
T3 burst out into a series of beeps that sounded like hysterical laughter. He rolled back and forth, until the force of his droid-laughs caused him to fall over on his side. Even then, T3's treads continued to function, rotating the droid in a circle while he pointed his mechanical arm at HK.
"Irritated Statement: May I please blast the tin can? Master, I'm sure we would be much better off going back to the good old days, you know, before you bought this insolent piece of scrap metal."
Xana waved a finger at HK, "Now, now. You know I don't love T3 any less because he's adopted."
Atton facepalmed, "I should've just stayed up there with the assassins." He pointed at T3 accusingly, "And how do you even know that this is your droid? All those freakin' utility droids look the same!"
Xana looked at Atton blankly and palmed open the nearest door, revealing two mining droids. T3 let loose a blinding torrent of lightning from his shock arm, deactivating both the enemy droids. Warbling happily, he rolled into the next room and began to unleash wave after wave of lightning. A heavy metal song was playing from a speaker built into his chassis.
"Yep, that's definitely your droid," Atton muttered.
"Frenzied Request: Wait for me! I want to blast things too!" HK hefted his blaster and started to run after T3, unceremoniously tripping over his dress. He scrambled up a moment later, running as fast as his droid legs could go.
Atton and Xana strolled leisurely in the droids' wake, letting them take out the mining droids and disable mines to their heart's content. HK and T3, on the other hand, continued to bicker.
T3 beeped mischievously as he began to hack the control terminal. HK's photoreceptors flashed in annoyance.
"Defensive Statement: I need not offer an explanation as to why I am wearing a pink gown."
T3 beeped and warbled some more, ascending up the ramp with a robotic shrug.
"Impudent Rebuttal: If you must know, I choose to wear it because it is very slimming. It is not as if I were knocked unconscious and woke up wearing it, with the extreme misfortune to be unable to destroy it. Heh, heh."
T3 turned around and beeped several times, bursting out into droid-laughter again.
"Angry Interjection: I was not implying that I look fat!"
Xana bounded ahead of the two droids and rolled her eyes, "Alright, kiddies, no more bickering until the survival situation's over; thank you." She peered past the deactivated force field, checking for mining droids. What she found made her jaw drop.
"What the frag happened here?" Xana screamed. The hallways of the fuel depot were littered with crushed lampshades and fruits of every possible kind; the great majority of which were pineapples. Especially unnerving was the fact that the walls and transparisteel panels appeared to have been drawn on with crayons.
Atton came up behind Xana and exclaimed, "Dang it! I missed the honorary Lampshade and Pineapple Appreciation Day party!"
"Wait, they have that?"
Atton looked sheepish for a moment, "Well…no. I sorta hacked into the manager's schedule and added it as a prank. But the manager wasn't exactly the brightest lightsaber in the bunch. He took it seriously and made attendance mandatory."
"Okay…that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But what about the crayons?"
Atton shrugged, "You know how miners are with decorating."
"You do know there's a contingent of Sith soldiers in the docking bay, right?" Atton asked, looking through the transparisteel and pointing at the clearly-visible troops.
"We'll bungee jump off that bridge when we get there," Xana mumbled. She and T3 were fiddling with the docking bay's console, trying to slice into the main controls. He beeped rapidly, probably rattling off code possibilities to Xana.
"Oh, for the love of striped nachos!" Xana burst out randomly.
"What?"
"It won't accept the docking bay keycard that T3 conveniently had in his possession," Xana explained. "The only way it'll let us through is if you do the chicken dance."
Atton looked at her doubtfully. "Lemme see that," he ordered, moving past her to look at the screen.
[ERROR: TOO MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS AT ENTRY.]
[PROGRAM lock_the_rampaging_droids_out_of_the_docking_bay_because_that_apparently_solves_everything STILL IN EFFECT. PLEASE EXECUTE CHICKEN DANCE, IN ADEQUATE PROXIMITY TO MOTION SENSORS, TO AFFIRM ORGANIC STATUS.]
Xana crossed her arms and looked expectantly at Atton, with an "I told you so" smirk playing across her face.
"Oh, fine,"Atton grumbled. Xana fought to repress peals of laughter as T3 began to play polka music. Atton begrudgingly did the chicken dance, several times over, trying to remain optimistic the whole time. All in all, it wasn't too bad. He was really starting to get into it when he realized…the docking bay doors were already open.
"Hey, what gives?" he asked angrily, pausing in the middle of a shimmy. "I thought that console was supposed to unlock the door!"
A mischievous grin broke out on Xana's face. "It's been open this whole time…but HoloTube appreciates your contribution," she said, pulling a hidden holocamera from her sleeve. T3 rolled up behind her, extending his mechanical arm for a high five.
"Fragging droids," Atton muttered.
"Alright, now, let's go over the plan again!" the Sith Captain barked. "We'll get one pepperoni, one with mushrooms and olives, and one with pineapples, anchovies, and possum bits."
"Uh, sir?" one rather lanky and awkward private asked. "I think I see a man doing the chicken dance in the control center."
"Private Bucky! Have you been sniffing markers again?" the Captain roared.
"No…well, yes, but…oh look, he's running across the docking bay now, sir!" Private Bucky shouted, pointing behind the Captain. "There's also a woman, a droid in a pink dress, and another droid that's playing polka music!"
"For sith's sake, boy, your crazy is almost contagious! I can hear the polka music too!" The Captain whirled around to see Xana, Atton, HK, and T3 disappearing up the Ebon Hawk's ramp. Shortly after, the engines roared to life and began to warm up.
"Aw, look at that. They're getting away," the Captain drawled observantly. "Okay, time for Plan B. Private Bucky, run out in the clear path of their laser turrets and we'll see what happens."
Private Bucky, who had been looking down the barrel of his blaster rifle, immediately perked up. "Sir, yes sir!" he yelled enthusiastically. Throwing his hands into the air, he pranced out into the open. He didn't get three meters before he was downed by a turret blast.
"Well, we're screwed," the Captain declared. He turned to face the rest of his men. "Troops! It is time for one last, incredibly ill-planned charge! Form up into haphazard, tightly bunched, easy-to-shoot-at groups of five and run across the docking bay at will! If you are fast enough to make it past the turret fire - which, judging from the results of your last physical test, most of you aren't – take cover behind those plasteel containers marked 'Danger: Flammable'! Do I make myself clear?"
"Sir, yes sir!" the troops yelled.
"CHARGE!"
Meanwhile, in the Ebon Hawk's turret, Xana was staring out the viewport in confusion. She simply kept mashing down the 'fire' button, not even having to maneuver the turret. Soon enough, the entire contingent of troops had been obliterated.
"Wow…and I thought Malak's troops were incompetent," Xana muttered. "Almost makes me wish I was in charge again." She shrugged off the thought, suddenly remembering that they were supposed to be making a hasty escape.
Xana jumped out of the turret and ran into the cockpit, nearly bowling over Atton in the process. She screamed frantically, "They're all gone! Now get us out of here!"
"But Kreia is still in there!" he protested.
"I know!" Xana maniacally shook Atton by the shoulders. "NOW FLY, MAN, FLY! FLY LIKE THE WIND!"
Atton practically dove for the controls. He punched the throttle, struggling to turn the Hawk around in time.
Meanwhile, in the hangar bay, Steve the Trooper crawled out from a stack of plasteel containers.
He raised his arms in the air and shouted, "I'M ALIVE! YEAH! TAKE THAT, JEDI!" Steve the Trooper then proceeded to jump up on the nearest crate and dance the Macarena. As he danced, he gloated, "Uh huh. Uh huh, uh huh, take that! Take that! Uh huh, uh huh..."
He, shimmied, clapped, and turned around, only to see a starship careening toward him.
"OH SH-"
BOOM.
The side of the Ebon Hawk barreled into the stack of containers, inexplicably causing an epic explosion just as the ship flew out of the hangar.
"Aw yeah, that's how we roll!" Xana shouted.
"Straight up," Atton turned around and bumped fists with Xana.
An asteroid, with a smiley face made of craters, drifted in front of the ship.
"Holy shizz!" Xana screamed. "Atton, look out!"
Atton grabbed the controls and sent them into a mad dive. He was able to brace himself against the dashboard, but Xana was not so lucky. She flew forward and made a full-body impact on the transparisteel, with an unnaturally loud splat. She opened her eyes and groaned. Her cheek was stuck to the transparisteel and her tongue was hanging out.
If Atton ever brings this up again, so help me, I will...
The Hawk leveled out, distracting Xana from her mental rage. Unfortunately, she found she was still stuck fast to the transparisteel. And, much to her horror, they were crossing the flight path of the Harbinger.
As they flew by, both cockpits got a mortifyingly up-close-and-personal view of each other. Xana could see the open-mouthed shock clearly written across Darth Sion's face.
As well as the holocamera he whipped out two seconds later.
Xana grimaced. Fragging wonderful. The first impression I make on a Sith lord is of me, stuck to a transparisteel window and looking like an absolute tard. Or worse...Atton.
She didn't have time to continue her thought pattern, though. In the next moment, Atton pulled the ship up and Xana found herself instantly peeling off the window.
She landed on the floor with an 'oomph', before sliding all the way across the cockpit and impacting a set of bowling pins. Xana sat up and spit a pin out of her mouth. "What the frag? Why are these even here? Nobody in this galaxy even plays this game!"
"I dunno, sunshine. Pretty sure you just did. Although, lemme tell ya, it's a heck of a time to be playing games."
"Oh, shut up. At least I got a strike," Xana smacked Atton upside the head. "And can't you fly any better?"
"Hey, if I was flying any worse we'd be dead! The atmosphere around those asteroids is completely flammable. If we create friction by flying too near, let the exhaust touch it, heck, if we even light a match or move around too fast in here it'll completely torch Peragus!"
"Kinda makes me wonder if using lasers to mine there was a good idea," Xana pondered out loud.
"Miners aren't exactly famous for their intelligence, you know."
"Yes, and you are living testament of that," Xana patted Atton's head.
"Why, thank yo- HEY!"
"Oh, lighten up. Look, we've almost cleared the asteroid field so we can jump to hyperspace."
Suddenly, the Harbinger popped up behind them and began randomly shooting at asteroids.
"Ugh, Sion. You are such a killjoy," Xana muttered.
"Well, what are we gonna do?" Atton asked frantically. "We've got a straight path out of these asteroids now, but if he hits one then they'll all explode!" He got up from his seat and began running around the room in a panic, flopping his arms around like a doll. "What do we do, what do we do, what do we DOOOO!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice.
"Atton, will you stop so I can think?" Xana screamed. Conveniently, in the next moment Atton stepped on a bowling pin and fell head-first into the nearest console. "That's better. Well, it looks like we'll be clear of the asteroid field in a few seconds, so I guess we don't need to worry about that-"
Xana was cut off by the sound of a loud fart ringing throughout the cabin.
Suddenly, all the combustible air around the ship heated up and the nearest asteroids burst into flames. Those, in turn, caused other asteroids to burst into flames. Soon enough, the whole field was exploding.
Xana dove for the hyperspace lever, pulling it just in time. They rode the shockwave of Peragus' destruction into hyperspace.
Xana slumped against the console in relief, before turning around and advancing on poor Atton. She smacked him upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. "Atton! What the frag?"
Atton hauled himself up and glared at Xana. "What did I do?"
Xana smacked him upside the head with a bowling pin. "You just killed a whole planet – and Kreia – with your intestinal distress!" she shrieked. "Although...I kinda find the idea that Kreia died via farts rather funny."
"What are you talking about? That wasn't me!"
Xana smacked him upside the head with a datapad, "YOU LIE!"
"No, really!" Atton insisted, bringing up his arms to shield his head.
"Then who was it?"
Kreia suddenly dropped down from the ceiling, wearing a ninja outfit.
"It was I, you fools! It was I that destroyed Peragus with intestinal distress!" she cried gleefully.
"Told you so," Atton muttered.
Xana removed her shoe and smacked Atton upside the head with it. "How the heck did you even get on the ship?" she yelled at Kreia. "And where did your hand go?"
"I crawled through the sewage pipes, like a proper ninja," Kreia stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And as for my hand, I do believe I misplaced it...somewhere..."
"How can you not remember where your own hand went?" Xana asked incredulously.
Kreia shrugged, "Senility."
"Okay, one last question. WHY would you needlessly kill a planet with farts?"
"I thought it would be fun! And it was!" Kreia declared happily.
Xana's eye twitched.
"And guess what?" Kreia said excitedly, bouncing around the cockpit. "GUESSWHATGUESSWHATGUESSWHAT!"
"What?" groaned Xana.
"We have a Force Bond!" Kreia shouted giddily, throwing her arms in the air. "Just what I've always wanted!"
"Somebody space me now," Xana muttered.
"Oh, come now, sarcastic one! Surely a momentous event such as this calls for...the Force Bond Dance!" Kreia then proceeded to do a "raise the roof" motion and jump around the cockpit. "WOOP WOOP! Do the Force Bond dance! WOOP WOOP! Do the Force Bond Dance now!" she sang. Kreia riverdanced for a minute or two, and then finished up with a split.
"There is no way I am doing that," Xana snapped. She looked over at poor Atton, who had most likely been scarred for life. True enough, his eyes were as big as asteroids and his mouth was hanging open.
"Oh, fine then. You are almost as big a killjoy as Sion is," Kreia grumbled, getting up off the floor.
"And you're almost as crazy as Xana is!" Atton cut in.
Kreia narrowed her eyes at Atton and hissed. Atton backed away slowly, but hadn't gone two steps before he stepped on another bowling pin and crashed to the floor.
Kreia declared grandiosely, "I will retire to my quarters to practice my amazing Force Bond Dance in silence. And also because my ninja suit is riding up. There, hopefully I will be rid of the opinions of imbeciles and fools."
Atton muttered to Xana, "She says 'imbecile' wrong."
"I know, right?"
Kreia harrumphed, "You are just jealous of my mad dance skills, yo. Don't be hatin'." She then moonwalked out of the cockpit, occasionally stopping to adjust the hind end of her ninja suit.
Xana sighed. She didn't have the heart to tell the old woman that the 'hairbrush' was still lodged in one of her ponytails.
Xana leaned on the side of Atton's seat and declared, "Well, at least things can't get any weirder. I'm just glad it's finally over; I don't think my limited sanity could've taken even one more-"
Just then, a man with a 5 o' clock shadow and a fruit hat on his head stumbled into the cockpit. His bleary eyes darted around before focusing on Atton. The mystery man gave a wobbly smile.
"Atty! Hey, that was some Pineapple and Lampshade Appreciation Day party you threw! Too bad you missed out it; I've never been to one in the cargo hold of an abandoned ship before!"
Xana's eyes flew wide and her face contorted into the most severe glare the galaxy had ever seen. Slowly, she rotated to face Atton.
Dozens of parsecs away, Carth Onasi sighed and looked out the window of his office. As privileged as his spot on Citadel Station was, he yearned to be out in the galaxy, fighting by his old friend's side. In all honesty, Carth was getting restless. It had been nearly a decade since Xana had promised to return, and he hadn't seen nor heard any sign of her since then.
Briefly, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd been betrayed again.
Crossing over to his desk, he pulled out an impossibly thick and heavy binder. The poor piece of office equipment was worn and ragged from overuse, nearly bursting from the seams due to the sheer amount of papers it contained. On the cover was written, 'Carth's Paranoia List'.
Carth donned a pair of reading glasses and began ruffling through the papers, mumbling, "Hmm…root beer…penguins…imaginary diseases…the refresher fairy…aha, the Darth Revan section!" Locating a blank patch of paper, he scribbled down, 'Promised to return but never did, leaving me at a boring desk job where I merely function as an obscure plot device.'
Just then, a piercing shout rang through deep space and assaulted Carth's eardrums.
"ATTON!"
The shout was quickly followed by the telltale sound of Force lightning.
Carth sighed again and scribbled out his latest addendum.
"She's back."
And that, my friends, is a wrap. Fear not, there's still an epilogue in the works, but this is the official end of the Oh Frag, Not Again! storyline. Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading this chapter!