Hahaha so much hate for Kendall…aww dont hate him! I love him! Thanks to him we have angsty James ;P

Ahh after my nice vacations I´m back and kicking…nothing like writing in the beach xD

Oh well thank you all for your amazing reviews! They literally give me fuel to keep writing!

With no more to say, here it is!

CHAPTER 3

James PoV

I waved at Luca who was smiling outside the cafeteria, as soon as I was a couple of feet from him his smile changed into a frown.

"You ok?" he asked opening the door to get inside.

"Not really" I sighed getting a table, he sat in front of me.

"Would you like to tell me?" I looked at my hands embarrassed, it was hard to come clean about my sucking loveless life "Come on, I know from experience that could help you…you know the old talk easier to a estranger thing" I passed a hand through my head not completely sure "Ok, don't worry let´s just talk about the bar"

"I´m in love with my best friend and now that he knows…he hates me" I said before I could stop myself, looking at him I smiled raising my shoulders like it wasn't a big deal…I was surprised that I could actually pull up a smile feeling like this.

"Want me to help you beat the guy up?" he raised his hand to touch my bruised skin probably knowing that Kendall did that.

"Nah I can take him, I was just too stunned…I mean I lived with my feelings for seven years and last night I just couldn't take it anymore and I kissed him…"

"Before or after we met?"

"After" Luca sighed shaking his head.

"I moved here from Italy when I was thirteen…" I widen my eyes, I thought the last name was just for show.

"Really? Hot Italian boy…I think I can work with you" I said just to lighten the mood…my mood, maybe acting like everything was normal and fine I could get through the rest of the day.

"Yeah that was the saddest attempt of flirting I have ever witnessed"

"Not my best moment" I groaned letting my head fall into the table "You pity me, don't you?"

"No, I understand what you´re going through…more, less…as I was saying I moved here to live with my uncle because not my parents or my brothers liked it when I told them I liked boys…they kicked me out and uncle Gio was the only one that didn't care…it hurts, a lot" I closed my eyes, yeah I could guess how he felt and as always I was thankful that my parents loved me no matter what, maybe I could get over Kendall and move on but Luca could not forget about the family that instead of loving him kicked him out the minute he proved to be different "Now you´re the one taking pity on me"

"What? No! I was just thinking that even if right now I don't feel like it, I´m pretty lucky" the waitress came smiling giving us the menu.

"Anything to drink guys?"

"I want some iced tea" Luca mumbled same "And a burger, they say you have great ones here" Luca grinned and again with the same, the waitress nodded before she walked away "No original ideas?"

"None, never except for football, I could be a pro if being gay didn't screw up all your chances here" he said with a sad gleam on his eyes.

"American or soccer?" I asked knowing that European people had a different way to call some sports.

"Soccer, everybody loves it in la bella Italia" Oh that accent sounded really sexy.

"Having luck picking guys using fancy Italian words?"

"Plenty" he gave me a smug smile "But, like I told you before, none of my charm is for you…not because I don't like you…I-I mean I like you as a friend nothing more…like I already said… and I don't want us to try because I really think we could work but…I´m rambling again, aren't I?"

"Cute" I shrugged with a tiny smile "And don't worry I really don't think that I could have eyes for anybody besides Kendall right now…I really wish I could but I know I can´t"

"I figure that Kendall´s your best friend" I nodded and he grimaced "How´bout we order take out and we go to the park two blocks from here and we really talk…because I really think you´re about to cry" I lowered my eyes, yeah that made two of us.

"Is it normal for you to make strangers cry?" I tried to joke looking at his gentle smile.

"Only the ones that I know will make great friends and that seriously look to need it"

"Why are you so good?" I narrowed my eyes, not that I didn't believe his intentions were good but now I didn't know what to think of people, my so called best friend punched me in the face and broke my heart in the same day…people weren't always what they seemed.

"Don't think of me as a good soul, I´m doing this for me too" I raised my eyebrow silently asking for a better explanation "I fucked up back in Italy, here I thought that I wouldn't find somebody that could understand what I´m going through because well, you don't just go around screaming for gay friends…except when you go into a club…I´ll take you there some time, it doesn't matter that you´re underage…back to the subject, I need someone that I could talk to as easily as I´m talking to you…yesterday was so easy and fun…and I missed something like that…if having you crying against my shoulder is part of the price for your friendship I´m more than willing to pay it" he was looking down with his cheeks painted a light shade of pink "I hate that I ramble so much" before I could say a thing the waitress came with our orders, we asked her to envelope the burgers and we went out.

"Your ramble is like a breath of fresh air" he chuckled and ruffled my hair, knowing it was a mess I didn't give him a hard time like I normally would "I have a friend that´s really nervous and he rambles a lot but when he does it he doesn't say a thing…with you I have to put attention because you say a heck lot of stuff" the park came in view and we went to seat under a big tree and started eating while we spoke of the nice weather we had…talk about crappy small talk!

"Damn, now you look good I can´t accomplish my friend duties if you get well this soon" he joked taking a big bite of his burger.

"Don't worry I´m a good actor, I´m not as good as I look to be. How about you come with me to the studio, hear my new song and then take me to my old home to pick up my stuff before we go to work" he frowned chewing faster to get rid of the food in his mouth.

"I´m in…you sing?" I rolled my eyes, it was easy to forget how little he knew about me, I kind of felt like I was hanging with Carlos or Logan, and that hardly ever happened with someone outside us four.

"Yep, we are a singing group, Kendall, Carlos, Logan and I, we´re called Big Time Rush" I finished my burger, oh yeah it was one of the best I had ever eaten.

"Fast eater, my mom would have given you hell for that" he said before groaning and passing a hand through his face probably troubled by remembering his mother.

"Hey, I´m the sad one here, right?" I pushed his shoulder jokingly.

"So, new song, what is it about?"

"I wrote it this morning" he raised his eyebrows "It´s sad and it practically explains how I feel right now"

"What did he do to you?" his eyes were concerned, again going for the bruise on my cheek.

"He punched me… we´re hockey players and aggression is something we live with every day…and living in the same house kind of calls for trouble" a small smile fought his way to my lips, I hadn't even gone away and I already missed them, I knew that in order to get over the douche of my best friend, I had to put time and distance between us…I just hoped that didn't kill me first "W-we´re like brothers, we´ve known each other sense first grade and all is great but when you live in the same house and sleep in the same room with someone you have more than brotherly feelings for…let´s just say that he freaked because we even changed in front of each other, he accused me of checking him out, he practically called me a fag…it hurts"

"And why aren't you angry?" well he looked furious "He is an asshole! A complete jerk that does not deserve your tears, so much time being friends…you really have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and show him that his words don't affect you…if he threw away your friendship just because you said you loved him then you can do the same…or at least pretend it" I thought about his words while I played with the grass on the ground, he was right I should be mad for the things had he said to me but I was used to ignore his outbursts and wait till he got better…maybe I should tell Carlos and Logan what was happening and get two more heads to help me think what to do because, the truth was that even with all that shit I still believed that Kendall and I could be back on being friends, maybe not what we used to have but something, anything that could resemble it.

"Shit!" I raised my hand when a piercing pain went through my arm and I found a piece of glass inside my palm, I looked at my right I saw a broken bottle…awesome at keeping the park clean people.

"It´s bleeding" I frowned forgetting the pain a second when I looked a very green Luca, who was looking at my hand like it was a rabid dog, I decided to act fast getting rid of the glass, taking away my shirt staying with the interior tee and wrapping my hand in it, the minute the blood was out of the way he started gaining color gain.

"You ok?" I smiled grasping my shirt trying to stop the blood flow.

"Sorry, I don't like blood" he groaned resting his back on the grass taking deep breaths "How much time do we got?"

"About ten minutes, just enough to get there" I got up and raised my good hand to help him up, then he did he eyed my other hand "I think you should check that"

"Nah it´s not deep, the hand bleeds a lot with a simple cut" we began walking back to the studio. And I realized that focusing on the pain on my hand kind of cleared my hand from any hurtful sentiment…it was a nice feeling.

Kendall PoV

At the moment I was pretty sure I was going insane…I hated seeing James like that but at the same time I couldn't stop myself from saying hurtful words to him, I had successfully succumbed to the voice inside my head and I was convinced that I had been living with a creep for the last year, and that kind of changed every good memory into something freaky.

"Are you going to tell us why you guys fought?" sighed Logan giving me with a We´re also your best friends and you HAVE to tell us look. I didn't dare to even look at him, we were at the studio waiting for James…who by the way, hadn't denied that he was going on a date with a guy…things were starting to get complicated and weird…I didn't like that "And you´re ignoring me thinking of bad things again, damn it!" he was pissed and so was Carlos, whom I might add was giving me a really ugly look, maybe he already knew…

"Wow, who angered the loganator?" we turned to see James walking in grinning at some other dude at his right who was holding James´ hand between his as he looked at it frowning.

"James seriously it doesn't look good" mumbled the guy, James rolled his eyes

"Kiss it and it will get better" he winked and the guy laughed loud before he ruffled James´ hair and James lightly pushed him aside not killing him…he fucking touched James´ hair and lived to tell it! Who the hell was he?

"Yeah your flirting is…" a small ahem from Logan interrupted their little scene…I was fuming, that fucking show off, now he looked all happy with his boyfriend just after he got my other friends to bitch on me…somehow I was glad to see this because it only meant that maybe that kiss was because he was horny or something, the same slut as ever…it was safe to say I was relieved to think that it wasn't something complicated as the L word…sure like James could love someone other than himself for that matter.

"Oh, yeah guys this is Luca, Luca this are Logan, Carlos and Kendall" the dude shaked Logan and Carlos´ hand and moved back to James´ side completely ignoring me.

"Not that isn't a pleasure to get to know James´ new boyfriend, but we have to get inside and learn the new song" I got up and walked to studio A where Gustavo was.

"Are all the guys here?" inquired Kelly.

"Yeah" I walked to get in my usual seat as the producer yelled for the other guys, they all walked in, Logan looking really frustrated, Carlos glaring at me and James had a sad grin on his face...I didn't even bother to look at the new guy´s face.

"Who are you?" asked Gustavo giving Luca a weird look.

"A friend, can he stay to hear the song?" spoke James.

"Sure whatever, now the lyrics are here take a look at them and we will use the same melody James used just adding some other instruments and picking up the speed when we reach the chorus" I looked at the lyrics, the fucking drama queen of course had to make a song telling everybody that he was feeling down, such an egocentric prick…and I just sang the chorus in the entire song, perfect…it got even better when I saw that James was the only one singing it with me, the other guys would be just backing us up.

"Now to the sound booth, you guest dog! Stay here!" I sighed walking there holding the sheet in front of me as Carlos and Logan began singing. Thankfully James was all the way to the other end of the room and I couldn't see his stupid sad expression, like always he was making a show out of every fucking thing. I mean dude like I hadn't hit him before! Back in Minnesota we got into millions of fights and arguments, I had told him lots of times that I was so mad I didn't want to be friends with him, why the fuck was this time any different? Against all of my instincts I looked at my side to see him sing his part. His eyes shined like I had never seen them before, like liquid gold, his voice was even more beautiful than ever, so soft and deep…his face was relaxed but he had his hands fisted, digging his nails on his palm, like the song really brought sorrow to his soul, like maybe it wasn't so much for his crave for attention…why was it so hard to accept that I was being an ass with my best friend and that this time I was really making him suffer? Why was I so mesmerized for his profound expression? I was so focused on seeing his lips move that I almost lost my time to start singing, I waited for the little piano solo and made myself sure to equal his emotion in every word because even if I was completely freaked by him I wanted to make his song beautiful…the only nice thing I could do for him at the moment. I lowered my gaze as I sang, our voices merged together perfectly, like they were meant to be together…who knew James could write like this? I was supposed to know him better than anyone but in the last couple of days he had given me some big surprises and honestly I had no idea what to do, I just needed him away from me to think clearly…and maybe to forget all I knew about him and get to know him again…for real this time, but for that I had to get over my anger…which apparently didn't want to go away at all.

"Yesterday I died, tomorrow´s bleeding…fall into your sunlight" he finished prior looking at his hands; his eyes were dark and unreadable, something that I hadn't witnessed in all the eleven years I had known him. I let my eyes follow his gaze and frowned when I saw his blood stained hand; Carlos and Logan hadn't seen this, they were getting instructions from Gustavo, Kelly was talking to Luca and the sound guy was looking at the controllers, no one was putting a lot of attention on us and James appeared to have noticed this as his thumb made its way to a ugly cut he had in his right palm and before I knew it he was digging his nail on the cut hard, the moment he did that his eyes got glassy and they seemed to unfocused for a second, his expression tensed right before he began to relax not losing the pressure of his grip. When I saw a little drop of blood I decided that it was enough, I got up trying not to bring attention and walked to stand in front of him, he didn't even see me until I kneel in front of him carefully unraveling his hand, I saw his crumbled shirt on the floor and I used it to clean the blood, he kept still even when I raised my gaze to look inside his eyes.

"Physical pain beats emotional pain?" I said getting into his somehow foreign hazel eyes…it was like looking at a complete estranger, I couldn't decipher any of his emotions and I did not like that at all.

James PoV

Yes. But he couldn't know that.

Thanks to that I could look into his emerald gaze without falling into pieces because I had my head clear and I was certain that I wanted peace, to stop feeling trapped in my own life, to stop pretending only to make my friends less awkward, I needed to know how far could I still go because I wouldn't put myself in this situation every shitty day and at the end be thrown away only for liking other man. I closed my eyes letting myself feel Kendall´s hands around mine, my heart took two painful beats before I dared to look around freeing my hand from his hold and standing up. My movement was so fast that my chair fell to the floor getting everyone´s attention…now or never.

"I´m gay" I said and every sound on the room seized to exist except from five breaths intakes, one light chuckle and a sigh…the painful thing was that Kendall was the one laughing.