CHAPTER 5

James PoV

Is anybody out there?
It feels like I'm talkin´ to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
It guess I keep talkin´ to myself
It feels like I'm going insane
Am I the one whose crazy?

I was lying on my bed hearing Eminem´s new album…or it was more accurate to say, hearing the same song over and over again…talking to myself, it just fit me like a glove. It had been three weeks sense I left and I had never felt so alone, so numb and empty. I wanted to say that I was happy with a nice job, a new friend a nice home…but none of that helped me get rid of the hole I had inside after tearing Kendall away from me.

So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I'm on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
That there is then let me in and let me know I'm not the only one?

I hadn't sleep much, I was fucking tired, being a waiter on third turn wasn't a path of roses, besides that I had to go for tutoring to a public school and work at the studio…no more tanning hours for James, no more expensive Cuda products, no more spending hours in front of the mirror to get perfect hair…and on top of that we were going to a small tour in three days…one week traveling around the country on the confined space of a van with Kendall…I had no idea how I was suppose to endure that. Growling I got up and walked to the shower…a bright new day, more time to ignore Kendall…well it wasn't ignoring if he wasn't talking to me either, was it?

I showered fast, changed in comfy clothes, got my uniform in my bag, grabbed a power bar for breakfast and ran outside knowing that if I didn't hurry I would miss the bus. After I was sitting inside the bus taking deep breaths I let myself look through the window at the early LA life, it was 7 am and only at this hour you could see the true beauty of the city, without the annoying traffic or the hundreds of people around, that sight gave me peace and helped me to get my emotions in line before I could face the blond. Thankfully the trip was short and I was out in no time rushing inside the Rouque Records building, I smiled at the doorman before I got inside the elevator.

"Wait!" someone yelled and I pushed the button to keep the doors open…just to grimace when I saw Kendall walking in "Thanks" he ducked his head resting his hands on his knees as he took deep breaths…why did the studio had to be on the 14th floor? "The guy´s didn't wait for me" he smiled and I kept my gaze to the front letting my hands on my pockets "Still no talking to me? Not even small talk?" I didn't need to ignore him more because the elevator stopped and a couple of people came inside…making me move to the left right at Kendall´s side, the minute his cologne reached my nostrils my heart rate quicken, my hands got sweaty and my knees weakened…so long without being this near to him was taking its bill making everything a thousand times more. The elevator reached another stop making the space even less, now I could feel his breaths on my neck sending chills though my body "Isn't Luca coming today?" I bit back an annoyed growl, ever sense that fight he had only spoken to me to mock my relationship with the Italian dude, I had successfully overlook this thanks to that numbness I felt…besides every time Luca was there he had proven he could take care of Kendall just well. I tensed when I felt his forehead pressed on my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I asked using all my will power to shove him away.

"Don't get your panties exited I´m just falling asleep" he yawned. I decided to don't say a thing hoping that the damn thing hurried, when we reached our floor I practically jumped out of that box of terror hearing Kendall´s light chuckle behind me. I didn't put much attention to him as I walked to meet the guys.

"Morning" I said in a happy tone "Carlos, Luca said you owe him five bucks because Manchester won" my friend whined screaming some things in Spanish I didn't quite catch. He and Luca had become close thanks to soccer, being that my latin friend loved the sport but neither of us liked it he was happy to have someone to talk about it.

"Stupid chicharito" he mumbled making me smile, at least two of my friends didn't become total assholes and accepted Luca just perfectly.

"Hey James, Kelly just told us we´ll have the day off tomorrow" said Logan smiling "Maybe we could hang at the bar with you tonight" I gave him a knowing look, he was all willing to forget about Camille thanks to the bar tender apprentice, she was the kind of girl that frighten most of the guys because she was studying and working, had her priorities in order and she was kind of scary, but for Logan…he saw her like the girl of his dreams.

"It´s Karla´s day off" I said simply and I saw how his face fell.

"Oh I j-just remembered I have tons of homework" he stuttered sitting on the couch grimacing.

"Dude you can be a little more obvious" mocked Carlos.

"Obvious about what?" asked Kendall´s voice from behind me.

"He´s in love with a girl from James´ work" explained the latin "If you had gone with us at least once you might had seen her" yeah that didn't work for me, that bar was the only place I could successfully escape my thoughts of the blond and I did not need any memories of him being there.

"I´m not sure James wants me there, besides its filled with soccer stuff and I don't like it" he walked and placed his hand on my shoulder to move me aside, it wasn't harsh or anything, just a simple light shove to let him pass but the spot where his hand had touched me started burning and a huge need to hug him rushed through my body…yes I missed the closeness we had before and this lack of Kendall was killing me so painfully that if he wasn't the way he was being I was sure I would forgive him…I just loved him too much to keep myself apart from him.

"But its football season, and we´ll watch the games in there…I´m sure James won´t mind that much…would you James?" damn you Carlitos and your puppy dog eyes.

"He can go" I decided to go for indifference, like he didn't affect me anymore. I sat next to Logan waiting for Gustavo to arrive. I stopped moving when I saw him tower over me looking directly into my eyes, my heart beat erratically, what was with him a contact today? After three weeks of not acknowledging each other suddenly he was there.

"Do you want me to go? Or do you prefer if I don't?" his emerald orbs were unreadable and this made me feel unsure, normally I could see the cynicism, the mock, the anger…I could see every single emotion inside but now it was blank and I didn't like it.

"I don't care if you go or not go" he smiled but his eyes kept indecipherable.

"Don't worry I won go" before any of us could do something more Gustavo came in view.

"Dogs! I have lots to do for our next tour, so today will be some harmonies and dance practice then you´ll have the next three days free so you can work your shit before we go…Kendall and James" we turned to face him "Come to my office, and you two start dancing!" I swallowed kind of knowing what he was about to say. I got up and followed him not moving my eyes from the back of the producer's head, once we were in he made us sit in front of him "This has gone for far too long" No shit, last time we had fought we didn't even make it though the day "I cant let fans see that you hate each other on the tour, you have to make peace because even if you aren't arguing anymore ignoring the other is almost the same thing" I looked at my hands I was not going down without an apology.

"Yeah, yeah keep your pretty image clean" said Kendall making me frown, I was getting ready for an insult in every second "But lets face it, even if they find out we hate each other they wont care, it will give them some more fandom to have fun with" okay I didn't expect that at all "and I have to ask, are you making public James'… preferences?"

"I have nothing to hide" I snarled at him "Unlike certain others"

"James that joke is old, try make your little brain function for a better one, tell Luca to stop fucking you so hard and maybe you can" he gave me a smug smile, yeah the one that was fucking me –and not in the fun way- was him.

"You talk a lot about Luca's dick, doesn't that mean that you want it to be in your ass?" oh that shut him up "I will behave if he stops being a jerk" I told Gustavo.

"I was being nice today and you ignored me!" he practically yelled startling me and the producer, he got up and glared at me "I wont apologize and you know why, but I stand in what I said, fans don't care if we hate each other, and I don't give a fuck about the media, so yeah go back to your silence treatment" said this he went out…I was confused, wasn't I suppose to be the hurt one? I hadn't done anything to him.

"Was he being nice?" in normal standards no but in Kendall standards he was pretty decent…damn it.

"Kind of"

"Then let me tell you this, if I see or hear another fight like this both of you will go home and don't worry I can handle telling Kendall this, so make peace or you're fired, now go" I sighed and walked out only to find Luca chatting with Logan.

"Don't you have a home or some place to be at instead of here at 8 am?" I joked giving him a one arm hug.

"Sadly not really" he smiled tousling my hair "I'm hearing that you guys are free for the next days, that's awesome, some more time to hang before you go"

"Yeah wish you could come but it's kind of hard" he nodded sadly.

"So, are you guys going to the bar tonight?" he looked around "You could come too" he said to Kendall and I gave him a weird look, I had no idea why in world did he seem to like him even if the blond was a complete jackass every time they saw each other.

"And watch you fuck James? No thanks" mumbled Kendall without raising his head from his phone, almost in an automatic way.

"Yeah the invitation is still up" chuckled the Italian.

"You are crazy" I whispered so only he would hear me "Why do you talk to him? I thought you hated him on the first day and all the sudden you act like his words are just a joke"

"I found out some things and he was your best friend and he is Carlos and Logan's best friend, I think he might be a cool guy" he shrugged not loosing his smile as I started with the harmonies under Kelly's watch. I just gave him another weird look before deciding to ignore him, he could do whatever he wanted.

Kendall PoV

Why did Luca keep looking at me like that? Like he was laughing at me on the inside, his amused eyes shined every time I lost my nerve and insult him…well I didn't expect someone sane to be James' new best friend but he was too weird. I rolled my eyes before I walked to the restroom wanting to get out of Logan's disapproving looks, Carlos' hurt puppy eyes and James' indifference, I didn't see the crazy Italian following me in there until he was in front of me with a stupid grin on his face.

"What the fuck do you want?" I snarled and his smile grew.

"You are jealous of me and James" he said.

"What? How could I be jealous of you? You have to spend the whole day with that idiot, he's clinging on you, h-he…" laughs with you, he seems happy with you "Your point?"

"At first I didn't like that you were such a prick, but then I started seeing the daggers on your eyes every time I touch James's hair, or when we say something about what we did the day before…Kendall I really think you're…" the door got open and James walked in frowning…for the first time in a while I didn't like that he interrupted something with his presence.

"Am I interrupting something?" he gave a weird look to Luca and glared at me, so the pretty boy didn't know about this little approach.

"Nah and I need to go" I passed them and walked outside, I knew Gustavo was going to bitch on me for leaving the studio but I couldn't stay there anymore. If you asked me what had happened over those three weeks I might tell you that I had taken a bad decision after the other, that I was more confused that I had ever been in my entire life and that…I missed James in a way that was barely bearable.

I sighed when I was out of the building and grasped the keys to the BTR mobile, Logan and Carlos had left me behind…now it was their turn to take the buss home. I got inside the car and began the short drive back to the palm woods. I was a jealous person I knew that, but I had never been too possessive over my friends, normally they did what they wanted to and I ended up with a simple I don't wanna know…but also I had never been away from them for too long, specially from James -except from that time before our first big concert- I was used to have him there at arms reach, to laugh at his stupid jokes, to be annoyed every time ne nagged me to do more exercise to get pretty like him, to be comforted by him…fuck I just couldn't get him out of my mind, damn it!

I parked the car and got outside already angry…what was with him and getting me al worked up? I decided to go for a morning smoothie so I walked there finding Camille sitting reading a script…which reminded me how many times James had helped her run some lines.

"One pink smoothie" I ordered trying to stop thinking about him "Thanks" I began drinking it while I went inside the lobby remembering our last lobby hockey match before all of this started…was I the reason he was all distracted during that match? I shook my head going to the pool…until my eyes landed on his tanning chair making me remember every day he was there letting the sun kiss his rock hard body, his relaxed expression, a light cape of sweat covering his sexy arms…wait WHAT?

"Fuck!" I hissed covering my eyes with my hands letting the smoothie fall into the ground, this had happened a couple of times before…sense when did I start thinking that James was in any way sexy? Or that his body was rock hard sculpted or…I had to get the fuck out of there. I practically ran to the elevator and pushed the button like a maniac until the doors closed, I sighed going for the same trail of thought that had been inside my mind for every second in those fucking three weeks: I was straight as a wall…right? I wish I could answer that with a straight NO but…damn fucking James Diamond and his stupid kiss!

"Hey big bro" greeted Katie when I got in 2J, she was still in her PJ's reminding me that it was just around ten…I still had a whole day ahead of me and the only thing I wanted to do was to lay in my bed and sleep trying to escape my thoughts "Why are you here?"

"Got a few days free before the tour" I mumbled before locking myself in the room going directly at James' bed…don't ask me why because I didn't even know.

I had replayed in my head every single of my memories involving James…that made most of my memories, even the day my father died he had been there…in every single thunder storm…I had been unfair to him telling him that I was disgusted about thinking of him checking me out…well maybe at first but then…then those eyes had followed me into dream land…those hazel orbs making my body burn, his hands touching me…I started thinking that if you thought much about one thing –even if it was disguising- you might began to find it less gross and more…sexy.

And just like that I had begun to hate Luca because I really had no idea what kind of relationship he and James had, because like he had just said to me, I hated the freedom James gave him to mess his hair, the way they hugged each other, they way they laughed…it was too much to lose the best of your best friends and then find out you're kind of, maybe…a little attracted to him. I groaned turning my face to my pillow, I was angry yeah but there was also a sadness inside of me that didn't let me get rid of any bad emotion. I had already compared how I felt now to how I had felt when Jo left and…the pain in my chest wasn't even close to the little sting I had after she left.

"Brother?" I heard Katie's voice outside the door.

"What is it?"

"Want to talk?" Was I about to tell my baby sis that I was confused as in confused about me…not in this lifetime.

"I'm fine, just leave me, ok?" fine is an ambiguous word.

"You have to talk to somebody, if you miss Jo maybe you should call her, its been a while sense I saw you ichatting her" surprisingly I hadn't thought about her in a long time, but being her my forth most trusted person I could guess it was a good idea to talk to her…being that I had no idea how to tell my other two best friends how I felt. Thinking this I got out my phone and texted her.

Time for a little ichat?

She had always nagged me about my long words while texting, but I didn't care I always liked to write right, she replied fast enough.

Luv 2, trn now!

I moved to a sitting position as my phone started ringing, I answered it and her smiling face came in view…huh I did not feel a thing, maybe it was because she was on the phone…yeah that must be it because I was sure I had loved her so…I had loved? Why was I thinking in past tense? She hadn't been away that much.

"Hey there!" she said happily, I just smiled and waved…and she frowned totally noticing something wasn't right with me "What is it?"

"What's what?" I played dumb scratching the back of my head.

"Kendall tell me"

"I-I…h-how…if I told you that…" ugh why was this so hard? Maybe it was because once said it out loud it became real…and this kind of things were terrifying when whey became real "I-I'm confused"

"About what?"

"I'm confused as in confused" I let my words hung in the air a little while before she got them widening her eyes and saying something I could never guess she would say.

"Fuck you Camille!" I blinked seeing her cover her mouth, she wasn't very comfortable at swearing and even less at cursing her best friend.

"What does Camille has to do with anything?" she bit her lip not looking at me, probably testing her options.

"When I told her about that time when you and I…well you know…she said that she was surprised about it" I opened my mouth to ask but she beat me "She says that she though you were from the other team…like James"

"James?" did they know about James? For how long? Why did he trust them more than his best friend? Okay I do not want to answer that without a lawyer…I had all the rights in the world to be pissed at him! Aha…yeah even my own mind thought I was fooling myself.

"D-don't tell me you didn't knew?" she covered her mouth with her hands "Well its kind of logical…otherwise you wouldn't let him near you" she started rambling to herself "And all the trouble I got through to get you to myself! Ugh so much time lost thanks to that…guy…and wait…WAIT! You said you were confused!" she yelled pointing at the screen "Sense when?"

"Sense he kissed me" her jaw hit the floor.

"And what did you do?"

"I hit him" she sighed relieved…she feared that I had done something more? Okay time to talk to Camille.

"Ah thank God, he's not right for you…I mean if you decide to go gay the last person you should go for is James" I frowned.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's in… an egocentric jerk" she totally changed her words…I wonder what she really wanted to say.

"Hey he's my best friend! Don't talk about him like that!"

"And I was your girlfriend and you didn't defend me when he said I was a bitch!"

"When did he say that?"

"I know he thinks it" she mumbled looking away…I kind of knew it too but at the moment I couldn't take her insulting James.

"Do you have any good way to help me or are you just going to piss me off?" she frowned, I rarely talked like that to her.

"Hey it's not my fault that you just found out you liked dicks better than boobs" did I really put up with her for almost a year?

"Well thank you for telling me that, I already know what I want" not really, she had just angered me and not helped me at all "Bye, bye" I hung up. With al the romance in those last weeks with her I had forgotten about her bitchy ways…oh well I had to figure things out on my own and maybe have a little chat with Camille later, for now I just wanted to listen to music and think of a way to get this straight so I could, possibly –hopefully- mend things with James.

Soo a little filler chapter…not really because we can really see inside Kendall's mind…he's a little confused lol

Thank you for all of you that took the time to review! Really I need your thought people because I can be a little –a lot- unsure of things! Also thanks for the faves and alerts!

Bye bye!

P.S. beware, sexy long chapter ahead!