CHAPTER 6

James PoV

"I´m bored" whined Carlos from his spot on the table I had just cleaned.

"Go find Luca and see what he´s doing" I told him.

"He´s not here, Gio said he sent him to run some errands" he had a clear confusion face, even I that was more used to the weird ways of speaking the owner had "What does that even mean?"

"It means that he´s out doing something" I shrugged not completely sure myself.

"James your job is boring" Carlos whined even harder.

"It´s not, being there sitting whining is what´s boring" I chuckled because yeah my job wasn't boring, I actually found cleaning tables soothing and relaxing.

"Yeah and you do nothing to entertain me, I´m being the good friend being here with you and you do nothing about it" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah after you practically made me invite Kendall here, you deserve it" I couldn't stop myself from letting him know in what situation he had put me through.

"Don't be like that! You two are like brothers to me I hate that you´re fighting this bad" he rested his elbow on the table and his head on his hand looking at me with sad eyes "Why do you act like this? Is not that Logan or I haven't called you Jamie before and you never snapped at us like that" I stopped my cleaning shores resting my hands on the table sighing, I could guess I owed to them the truth and I knew that even if Carlos was immature in a lot of stuff, if I asked him to keep a secret he would take it to the grave. Besides I was feeling strong and good today for the first time in weeks, it was now or never.

"I won´t talk this in here, come on" I signaled him to follow me and he did smiling at the fact that I was willing to tell him the truth, we were about to go in the kitchen when he heard someone calling for us.

"Carlos! James!" it was Logan who was smiling more than I had seen him smile in years, apparently he hadn't have that much homework after all "What is up ma´dear fellas?" I exchanged a look with Carlos only to go back to Logan thinking that he had finally lost it.

"What happened to you?" he sighed making that uncharacteristic flirt Logan face…wow.

"Can I tell you later? I wanna maintain the magic" he asked us, Carlos nodded before taking both of our hands and pulling us to the kitchen and giving me a concerned look.

"You won´t get away from this because Logie´s in love" okay this Carlos kind of freaked me out, but we all knew that when it came to keeping his friends safe he became all serious Carlos until things were happy and good again…I guess I´ll have to get used to this Carlos because things would never get the way they were before.

"What is going on?" inquired Logan finally focusing on our solemn expressions.

"James was about to tell me what is going on with him and Kendall" I could almost hear a click from my nerdy friend´s brain when the latin said this because he gave me a deep look waiting for my explanation…maybe by coming clean I could really get over Kendall a little easily.

"I-I have no idea where to start" I groaned sitting on the floor knowing that no one got in the kitchen after 9 pm, so we were clear.

"In the beginning will be nice" said Carlos sitting next to me with Logan in front of us, now they looked even more worried.

"I found out I was gay when I was eleven" I started deciding that they needed to know this about me and most of all, I needed to tell them, to trust them with my life again.

"Why didn't you tell us?" asked Logan looking hurt.

"Everything we do revolves around girls, I thought it would be awkward and weird between us…at that time not even my parents knew" I scratched my head "I found out because…"

"You fell in love with Kendall" Carlos words sunk in as a statement in my body, if someone knew me as well as they did…it was easy to know…well except for Kendall, and he said I was the dense one!

"Yeah" I sighed and they both groaned knowing how much that complicated things "I made so many stupid decisions guys" I passed my hands though my face before touching the scar on my neck "I told you that I got this scar on a hunting trip with my dad…well that was a lie" I sounded my throat "Kendall knew it"

"H-how did you get a scar like that?" spoke Carlos getting closer to examine it, it was small about half an inch, cross shaped "Or in there?"

"When I was thirteen I was just the chubby friend…a fat gay kid, and that was great for bullies" they looked at each other before looking at me like I was crazy.

"You were never bullied" said Logan slowly.

"Not in school, but at my father´s house I had a hard time" I shrugged and they nodded grimacing, normally I lived at my mom´s house that was a couple of blocks from Logan and Carlos´ house and right next to the Knights, but my dad lived in the upper side of town, where all the rich and snobby kids lived and they did not accept a fat kid easily…and that was for every summer and weekend "Anyways…I started feeling not so good about myself…they even made me a song" I closed my eyes suddenly going back to those years as I told them my story.

"Yo Porky! I saw you with your boyfriend the other day at the mall" said one of the kids when I was walking to get to the mini market "I guess Jimmy is really Jamie" the minute he said this, his friends started laughing before they started singing.

Jamie, Jamie

Fatty little fag

He goes to buy ham

Cuz he likes it in his ass!

"I successfully ran home with dry eyes but the minute I stepped inside my room I broke down for the first time in my life. I cried so hard for so long that when my dad got home from work I could barely open my eyes because they were too swollen" I saw how Logan mumbled first time showing a worried expression before Carlos spoke in a angry tone.

"And Kendall said that same thing. Did he know about this?"

"Yes" I said with a faint voice.

"I am going to kill him" announced Logan starting to get up, I reacted fast pulling him so he stayed in his place.

"If I´m going to tell you this, is going to be the whole story so stay there" Carlos chuckled making me smile "So that´s why I hate that name…when one of you guys calls me like that I don't care because if you say it in a nice way, it doesn't hurt at all…but when Kendall said it, it was in the same way those jerks used to say it…that summer things got ever worst because all of you went to a hockey camp and I was there all by myself, it was too much to handle because even my dad was starting to get worried for not seeing what a normal growing kid would have or do…no porn magazines, no internet weird sites…I could guess he started to find out" I bit my lip "One day I was cleaning the back yard and I got a cut…and I found out that every time I pushed my nail into that cut everything went away, the pain, the heartache, the loneliness…"

"Please don't tell me that you started cutting" begged Logan taking my hand and beginning to examine it, I let him do it because that wasn't the way I had decided to hurt myself.

"Do you remember when Carlos hit you with the hockey puck in the stomach and you couldn't breathe right for the entire day?"

"Yeah my chest hurt like…" he widen his eyes when he figured out what I had done "Your asthma"

"I stopped taking my pills and started to do exercise…the pain in my lungs kept everything away…it felt so good to not have to feel anything" both of them were looking at me with their mouths open "Then Kendall got back because he pummeled some kid at camp…he stayed at my dad´s house with me and…things got awkward for me" I looked down sensing a blush in my cheeks…this was when they might start to feel disgusted and weird with me, just like Kendall when he found out.

"Little James wanted to play sword fight with little Kendall?" I closed my eyes letting out a breathless laugh at Carlos´ words, I looked up to see their amused expressions before all three of us started laughing, me for the relief of them not caring about that and them from the silliness of the joke.

"Not that much yet… but kind of" I said my smile faltering before taking a deep breath "One day we decided to take a walk, I was feeling a little dizzy but I tried not to show it because it could be either for the lack of air or the…" I stopped knowing that if I said that I would totally sound like a girl…I did not want that at all "Yeah…the thing is, those kids found us at the park and started singing that song…Kendall got really mad and started punching them, but they were too many so they charged after me…I couldn't fight them for long, then my throat decided to close…I fell into the ground…I don't really remember what happened after, just some shouts and blurry people" I massaged my temples, my head started aching like every time I tried to remember that time…only his words were engraved in my mind, even if now I didn't believe he meant them at all "My mom says I was in the hospital for two days, when I woke up they told me they had to do a…"

"Tracheotomy" murmured Logan looking at the scar then a very confused Carlos "They made a hole in his throat to put a tube directly to his lungs so he could breathe through that tube"

"That´s awful and cool at the same time" reasoned the latin "Then what happened?"

"The doctors found out that I hadn't taken the pill in a long time and took me to the shrink to know why…they got the truth out of me inside a hospital room…I had never seen my mom cry so much, she said that it was her fault that I almost died and my dad was the same" I explained in a tired tone "But I knew that it was just my fault…I was the one that decided I wasn't worth living anymo…" I shut up when I realized what I had just said…yeah they knew that I had harmed myself but I had put aside the fact that my main goal was to die and that if it wasn't for the paramedics I might had made it…or not made it? "That…"

"What made you change your heart?" asked Logan in a steady voice while Carlos hugged me almost choking me.

"We love you James! Don't ever think that again!" he cried and I hugged him back before lightly pushing him aside.

"Don't worry I won´t" I sighed before looking at Logan "Kendall" I said softly, and he knew why that answered his question "He doesn't know it though…he just made me understand that I´m important and made me promise that I would never do something like that again…after that the doctor ordered me to get fit and to never leave my inhaler away so yeah I became the face and I was happier…I lived with my crush for all this time and it only got worse when he quit being a hockey player to come here and let me have my dream…then Jo came in" I practically growled her name, Carlos chucked and Logan smiled before speaking.

"Yeah you could see how much you liked her…but dude you were fighting your allergies to get her, why did you do that?"

"Because the minute Kendall saw her I knew he would feel something special for her and I-I didn't think I could take him falling in love" I hugged myself.

"Well she was a bitch" shrugged Logan smiling "Okay so when she left why did you get all depressed? Shouldn't you be happy that we got Kendall back?"

"I finally understood that he will never love me they way I loved him…that´s why I was so upset and then he comes and tries to make me talk when I´m all fucked up thanks to him and I couldn't hold it anymore…and now he acts like an asshole, God I can´t even stand him anymore!"

"Loved him" murmured Carlos.

"I don't know…I still care about him but for the way he´s acting…I-I have to work" I got up…nah of course I still loved him, but it was too hard and embarrassing to let them know how hollow I was inside because of it. I got out and went back to working not noticing the hooded blond that was walking outside the bar.

Kendall PoV

Everything felt like a blur, I walked out of the bar after eavesdropping on my friends…James had loved me…James had attempted suicide because of me…I had been the one to make him stand up and now I was throwing him down again…things shouldn't be this messed up, I shouldn't be this fucked up! I put on my earplugs trying to get lost in the music while I walked not really going to a specific place.

Tonight we drink to youth

And holding fast to truth

I don´t want to lose what I had as a boy.

My heart still has a beat

But love is now a feat.

As common as a cold day in LA.

Sometimes when I´m alone, I wonder

Is there a spell that I am under

Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Perfect song to pick Kendall. I seriously needed to update my music list because all the fucking songs I had just made things worse.

I closed my eyes and stopped walking taking a deep breath, after my talk with Camille and sulking in my room for the whole day I had decided that I needed to apologize to my best friend because even if I still had to figure out what I felt for him I wanted him in my life, I craved for my best friend. So I had taken the bus and go to that place, I had asked the owner for him and he told me he had just got inside the kitchen…I heard his words before I could move to open the door…he had been in love with me sense we were kids, sense I was just figuring out that girls weren't suppose to be gross…sense he was too insecure with himself that only I was let in.

I groaned changing the song…when Jo left and I was swelling on the couch he had pretty much yelled at me for not letting him in…until he made the stupid decision to get his heart broken by one of the Jennifers…and got us to spend the rest of the day together…and me off that couch and…fuck.

"Cut my life into pieces…this is my last resort" I mumbled following the lyrics, this time it was a better song that didn't make me want to mope in the floor. I saw a bench facing the sea so I decided that that was the spot for me tonight, I walked there and sat shutting the music to let myself relax in the sound of the waves as I replayed my conversation with Camille in my mind.

"Did James tell you he´s gay?" directly to the case at hands of course, she widen her eyes before frowning and slapping me hard in the face…hard as in harder than she had ever slapped me.

"It´s your fault that he´s gone, isn't it?"

"Yes" I looked at her in the eye, I was not lying about something everybody knew "When did he tell you?"

"I´ve been in LA for a while so my gaydar is quite sharp, but seeing his Casanova charade kind of tricked me, until we kissed that time when Logan broke up with me…I was so mad at him and he was so freaked about it that he screamed it at me" she took my hand and walked us to a table "Then he started with that obnoxious fake laugh of his and told me that it was lie and all but we both know that I didn't believe him that much…he still made me find him a girl that day at the beach and kept faking everything until you broke up with Jo"

"What does that have to do with…?"

"I´m not sure if I can tell you about it" she made an unsure gesture "But it does…I had never seen him so upset, and a couple of days later he´s GONE! What happened?"

"He decided to stop living near me…he found a job and…" she gave me a look that clearly said tell me the truth or I´ll slap you even harder so I took a deep breath "Jo knew something about this, didn't she?"

"She knew that he had a crush in you before I did" she sighed "That was why she wanted to have you close all the time because I had told her that you kind of…well that I thought you were too close to James" I looked at her with my mouth wide open.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well…you guys seem to have a deeper relationship…I don't know, besides I saw you hugging once and that hug was nothing friendly" I frowned and she clearly saw my confusion "It was raining and you two were at the park under a tree…"

"I´m terrified of thunder storms" I mumbled finding the table suddenly interesting "And for a strange reason he´s the only one that knows…or was the only one"

"Why?"

"Because he was there the first time it happened and I made him promise to keep the secret…that time it started raining with no warning at all and I just paralyzed and he stayed there with me…and got an ugly cold for it" I smiled knowing what an awesome friend he was but then my smile turn into a grimace when it finally hit me…I had probably fucked our friendship for good.

"Hey" she put her hand on top of mine "I know James, and you know him too…"

"Not really" I looked at her with a resigned expression "When you hear our new song, which he wrote, you´ll know how little we really know him…all that James the face Diamond shit is just for show…have you talked to him sense he moved?"

"Only texted him but he never has time, I´m seriously considering to go to the bar one of this nights just to see him" she shrugged.

"Well when you do beware because he´s different" I took a deep breath "Either way I want to apologize and tell him how sorry I am for being such an ass with him…even if his new best friend Luca is there to complicate things" she raised her eyebrow at my bitter tone when I said that.

"He told me about him, why do you hate him Kendall?" she smiled mischievously "Is it because he spends so much time with James?" she wiggled her eyebrow and I started sweating…it was too much insinuation for one day…I was so not jealous of that dude! Hahaha sure you´re not.

"Oh…look at the time!" I saw my naked wrist "I have to go!" I laughed and stomped away from a laughing Camille…be a little more obvious Kendall!

I looked at the stars thinking of James and for the first time I let myself think of him with the deep feelings I knew I had for him…not caring if they were friendship or something else, just the stuff that happened to me every time the brunette was close.

When we were kids he was the fun chubby kid, everybody loved him at school because well at first because they knew that if they hurt him they would have to deal with me but later when they got to know him, they saw the loyal, funny and sensitive kid inside…it was awful to know that he was also the silence tortured kid every time he went to his father´s house, he even changed the way he acted every time he was there, he became guarded of his feelings, closing up to people, hardly even talking to anyone…a lot like he was being now…fuck, how could I had forgotten that? There I was thinking that his sorrow was only for show when I had seen him all those years ago shattering little by little until he couldn't or wouldn't hold it anymore. After the incident the doctors had made him get in shape, and puberty hit him hard making him what he was now…the hottest guy I had ever seen…wow thinking things like that didn't troubled me at all now…I could guess I was finally accepting this shit…now that a beating from Carlos and Logan was probably waiting for me at 2J, I deserved it for being the crappiest friend on earth but that didn't mean I was all willing to go home just yet.

"I guess I need to get drunk" I smiled knowing that I had my fake ID in my wallet…courtesy of James himself…yeah not really trying to stop thinking of him at all.

I got up and walked to a nearby club, I just needed to stop thinking for a while because all of this was giving me a mayor headache. I took away my hoodie breathing the salted air, nights like this made me love LA…it would be better if my friends weren't so pissed at me. I groaned rubbing my forehead as I stepped in line to get in, being Thursday it was fairly short for once.

"ID?" I showed it to him thinking that whoever had given it to James was a genius because the thing looked legit "Have a good time" and just like that I was in. I walked to the bar and sat on the farthest corner not wanting to talk to anyone, but I had a pretty good view of the entire place to keep me entertained.

"What are you having?" asked me the bartender

"A beer" I said in a lazy tone over the noise, he gave it to me and I almost finished it in one gulp.

"Wow someone wants to start fast" he chuckled "Getting ready for the ladies?"

"Not exactly" I grimaced, I could guess I had to get used to this because in all this time I had never even considered that I could be bi, it was just gay and gay and gay all over…I had lost my virginity to Jo and seriously it had been more because she had pushed me to do it, not really because I was horny or anything…the only times I had uncontrollably been aroused was now thanks to those dreams I kept having of James and I doing not so friendly stuff.

"Getting ready for the guys?" he raised his eyebrow not really being hostile about it…one more thing to love about LA: open minded people.

"One guy" I corrected him finishing the beer "One more please"

"Oh love problems, that is always entertaining" I saw that the bar wasn't that full so I could figure why the guy was a little bored "Wanna tell me before this place gets too crowded?"

"I found out my best friend was in love with me and I was a douche to him and now he hates me…now that I know I have more than friendly feelings for him" he grimaced and gave me a palm in my back.

"Things might look awful now but I say they can get better" I was about to speak when a soft laugh got into my senses.

"Run some errands! I tell you your uncle is one weird guy!" said James sitting in front of the bar right next to Luca, I swallowed knowing that they were closer to the exit where they would see me if I tried to walk away, so even if I looked completely ridiculous I put my hood on resting my head on my hands taking a deep breath…I didn't need to see him all cheery with that Italian.

"You already knew that! After all we´re related!" blah blah be all nice…fuck you Luca! Okay I was a little jealous that he could make James laugh even like this…or that they were there having a great time drinking in a club when I was here trying to be invisible and not to cry…what had James Diamond reduced me to?

"He´s here?" whispered the bartender completely exited the moment he saw my behavior.

"Yep"

"Aren´t you going to tell me who is it?"

"Nope"

"Jerk" and with that my new friend was gone…well who needed a nosy bartender! I sighed letting my peripheral vision intercept James who was taking a shot before smiling and going to dance with some dude…WHAT THE FUCK! I didn't even think what I was doing before I was right next to Luca.

"Who is that?" he jumped at my tone before smirking.

"I have no idea, he just asked James to dance with him" I glared at him, how could he let James dance with a complete stranger…that was rubbing himself to the pretty boy in a high rated way "And you can´t do anything about it because if you go and make a scene James won´t even acknowledge you" damn he was right! After that day I knew James didn't want to talk to me at all and by doing something stupid I might ruin my chances of mending things with him…if I still had any chance at all.

"Fuck" I hissed passing a hand through my face "Don't tell him I´m here"

"I thought you would be going away now that he´s not here to see you…"

"I won´t go to leave him around that creep, he looks at least five years older than us! And you don't seem to be that much help" I gave him another glare before going back to my seat not taking my eyes away from James…it was safe to say that I felt my pants a little tighter just for seeing him move, with his eyes half open, a light cape of sweat in his skin…so damn hot.

"We need to get him away from that guy" now it was my turn to jump at Luca´s words, I turned to look at him frowning.

"What?"

"Look at James, but really look at him not drool over him" he sounded too concerned so I decided to save my remark for later shooting my eyes back to James and my frown deepened when I saw his hand massaging his temple and his flustered cheeks, the other dude was smiling before he started to nip James´ neck, the brunette grimaced lightly pushing away the man but he didn't seem too much into it "I think that guy drugged him…he offered James the first drink of the night and we thought it was inoffensive so he took it"

"You both are idiots!" I groaned getting up and running to get right in front of James "You´re going with me" I pushed aside the creep taking James´ hand.

"Hey dude! Get your own, this one´s mine!" I continued walking with James after I made that idiot eat his own teeth, bad choice to mess with a hockey player.

"Kendall?" groaned James pulling his hand away from mine looking at me with wide eyes "What are you doing here? Why did you hit him?" he took two steps getting inside my comfort zone…not that I minded.

"I need to get you home" I searched the place until Luca came in view "Take him home"

"You take him" smiled the damn bastard "And he got something called extasy…so there is only one way to get it out of him" he wiggled his eyebrow and I was sure I went livid before my eyes went back to James, who didn't seem to be in the conversation at all, he was staring intensely at me "And you´re welcome" he made a salute before going back to the crowd…what the fuck had just happened?

"So?" asked James in a husky voice, his eyes were dilated, he had a faint blush in his skin and the stare he was giving me went straight to my pants.

"I´m taking you home" I took his hand and we walked out, fortunately there were some available cabs outside, when we reached one I told the driver James´ address before I pushed the brunette to the back seat and I sat next to him, just as I was about to zoom out and look through the window I felt his hand caress my cheek making me catch my breath.

"You know" he whispered to my ear with his lips almost touching my skin sending chills through my entire body "All I can think about" he kissed my neck freezing me in the spot "Is to fuck you senseless when we get there"