CHAPTER 9

Carlos PoV

"Take that!" I screamed as I played castle smashers moving my fingers at super speed, just a little more and I would beat the level and become THE HUGE AMAZING SUPER PODEROSO CASTLE SMASHERER! If only I could…oh the battery signal…WHAT! "NO!" I screamed as the gaming system turned off and all my efforts, all the sweat and tears that I had shed for that level were lost…lost in gaming hell forever…OH LOOK THERE'S A CAMERA! "Kelly?" I asked her loosening my seatbelt to get closer to the front seat in where Gustavo was checking some papers and she was looking at stuff on her phone.

"We aren't there yet Carlos" she said completely misunderstanding my question, oh come on I had just asked her how much more time like…fifty times.

"No, I was wondering, is that a camera?" I pointed the small silver object, she looked at it, then back at me, then back at the camera and then at Gustavo.

"Gustavo, do you let Carlos use the camera?" she asked the producer.

"Kelly, will I let the crazy stomach hands DOG use my new camera? NO!" he yelled at me and I had to sit back and pout crossing my arms. Gustavo was so unfair, now I had nothing to do. I moved to look through the window…yeah the highway was boring and Logan was sleeping beside me, why couldn't he be awake and make me less bored…well probably he would start rambling about science and nerdy stuff…yeah I think I was better alone and bored because nor James or Kendall seemed likely to react anytime soon. Sense they hooped in each had put on the headphones and clearly ignored each other, it was not news that I hated this, or every other time we fought. Desperate because I had nothing to do –forgot my ipod back home- I started tapping my foot and making noises, at least it was a way to be entertained.

"Shh!" started the producer but I wasn't making any real noise so I continued looking through the window moving both feet now making a beat with them "Carlos! Take the fucking camera and stop that noise!" he said throwing the camera at me, I smiled brightly before I turned it on and pressed REC.

"Hello! I'm Carlos and this is the BTR…van" I said to the camera before turning it and shooting the front seats "Say Hello Mr. Driver! Say hi Freight Train!" the driver waved.

"Morning Carlos!" said the big man smiling at the camera.

"Now here's Kelly, what are you doing?" I zoomed her work and she rolled her eyes before smiling.

"Hi! I'm seeing if we stay at a hotel in Phoenix or drive the night in the bus, what do you think?"

"Uh…I do love hotels" I spoke "but the bus is AWESOME! Right Lo…" I was answered by a faint snore from my friend, I giggled knowing that he would be pissed but I had to record him snoring, so, I turned the camera pointing at his face "Logie's asleep" I announced, before taking my hand and pocking his cheek, he stirred his nose but made no more movement, I decided that I could get lucky so I did it again.

"…fuck off" he mumbled before turning his back at me, I grimace before turning the camera to the back where Kendall and James were and I had to smile because apparently they weren't silent because they were ignoring each other, but because they were also asleep. I moved the camera to James who was with his head on the luggage next to him breathing slowly with Kendall's head on his shoulder.

"Aww aren't you cute" I said just as James's eyes snapped open…oh oh.

"What are you doing?" he jumped surprised awakening Kendall with his sudden movement, both of them turned to look at each other and me and the camera were witnesses of some mayor blushing…I was a little –a lot- out of subject when it came to dating and stuff but for a moment I was sure they would kiss, then the magic was gone and the yelling was back "Watch were you drool Kendok" talked James passing his hand through his shirt were Kendall's head had been.

"Oh sorry" Kendall said softly before moving to look at the window. I let my mouth open in amazement, the great Kendall Knight hadn't talk back…that was not a good sign. I moved to look at James who was frowning clearly taken back by Kendall's behavior.

"Carlos, get that thing out of my face" he glared at me.

"James Diamond doesn't want a camera on his face…that's a new one" I laughed before dodging a punch from the pretty boy "Ha! You missed me!" he rolled his eyes before fixing his headphones and went back to ignoring the rest of the people inside the van, I sighed and turned back to my seat opening a bag of cookies trying to not die of boredom.

Kendall PoV

And I don't feel the need to go on
I was happier singing along the way
I had things, I need to say
But now it's like a swallowed tape
That holds up my face from inside
As everything just falls apart
'Cause everything just fell apart for me

So woe is me
Oh woe is me, yeah

I cracked my head and broke my... heart
And the hell of it is what we are
We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as
Our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til it's gone?
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me

For some reason, even being all fucked up and about to burst into tears all I could hear were this kinds of songs that only reminded me of James…what a masochist! I was sitting next to him and completely intoxicated with his presence, it was –in his own words- hell…or for me a heavenly hell because no matter how hard it hurt I was there next to him, feeling every time he moved, seeing his hazel eyes avoiding my own…having some minutes of nice sleep in his shoulder…yeah fucking Carlos for waking James and finishing that moment...should I add that it had been a moment of weakness and that I was awake most of the time? Yeah my fucking phone didn't let me sleep, some unknown number kept calling and calling me…seriously, some fans were scary.

"Kelly I'm hungry" started the latino, Kelly gave a big sigh and looked at her watch.

"Yeah I guess is time for breakfast" she agreed before moving closer to the driver "Please pull over in the next resting area"

"There's one in about five minutes" said the man and I honestly was relieved to hear this, I needed to get the hell away from James for a couple of minutes at least.

"Carlos, wake Logan please" said the assistant and I watched how Carlos smile turned into a grin before starting to poke Logan's ribs.

"WAKY, WAKY LOGANATOR!" he shouted successfully waking –and half scaring to death- Logan, in normal times I would be laughing hard at this, hearing them fight but now, not even that could pull up a smile in my lips. At morning I had been all about winning James back and getting my hopes up…until he made it clear that it would be hell sitting here with me…I knew my mom was wrong, I had refused to acknowledge my love for the brunette in time and now he hated me…I could guess that I had to learn to live like that…or take the time to think of going back to Minnesota, after all I was sure he could make his dream on his own by now…he no longer needed –or wanted- me there.

"Okay guys, bathroom break and then fast breakfast, we don't want to loose much time" instructed Kelly as the van made its stop, the minute she opened the door I was out and walked fast to the farthest place from there stretching my sore limbs before sitting in the grass, I wasn't hungry, all I wanted to do was to lay there and hope all bad things would go away…sometimes my thoughts were crazy enough to think of time machines and going back to were before all that started, but then I wouldn't had found out that I was in love with my best friend, or slept with him because even if he probably hated me for doing it, that was the best night in my life, and not even the morning after could take that away from me.

"Hey" said Logan sitting next to me "There's no sun, why the glasses?" I was honestly surprised that he was talking to me in such a casual way after practically ignoring me for the past days.

"The white light also hurts my eyes" I said looking at the clouded sky, yeah like I was about to take off the shades and show them my swollen red eyes…no sir!

"Gustavo said that we should get some sleep because the minute we get in there we're going to dance until our feet are bleeding" he looked at me like he expected me to do something.

"Okay" I mumbled looking at my hands, I really didn't care if the producer wanted to kill us, for all I could think about he would be doing James a favor by getting rid of me, and doing me a favor by ending my pain…no I was not going suicidal, I wasn't like that, but I had nothing against people killing me, that way I could go to heaven and not have the burden of ending my own life.

"Y-you're not going to tell him to leave us rest a little…or that we already know the moves or…"

"No" I got up and walked to the restrooms. I did my necessities and as I was washing my hands James appeared on the mirror, he was looking at me frowning.

"Shades inside" he said and I took them off before rinsing my face.

"I'm hangover" I lied letting my hands rest in the sink, he looked like he wanted to say something…what are you going to say James? That night was a mistake or I don't like you like that anymore or I was fucking doped so I have no idea why you got your hopes up? Yeah I was not having that, and also I couldn't be a douche with him anymore so I decided to say something I knew I should have said a long time ago "I'm sorry" I whispered looking at the sink not wanting to see inside his eyes "For everything" after taking a deep breath I dared to look for his hazel eyes, they were wide open, like he couldn't believe I was doing this "I noticed you were uncomfortable in the middle, I'll change places" said this I walked pass him, outside the restrooms and inside the van sitting in his spot losing myself in the music.

Soon enough everybody was inside the van again, of course I received enough concerned looks but I ignored them all, I just wanted to get there NOW! Gustavo shouted a little, Carlos and Logan fought some more, Kelly groaned tired of all of them and made me eat a sandwich. James occasionally talked to the guys…yeah I was the only outsider there, I didn't care, I didn't want to tell Carlos or Logan about that night, I knew they didn't know because none of them had come to throw shit at me because of it, Logan was mad for my past behavior and Carlos for calling James Jamie, he had said that to me, and asked me why had I been so mean, of course in my current state I had snapped at him and pushed him out of my room...oh look, the Phoenix welcome sign…finally.

"Ok guy's we'll be performing in the US Airways Center at seven thirty, we'll be going directly there so you can practice and make sound check, then the hotel so you can get ready" explained Kelly as the van made its way to downtown, and then inside the place's parking lot. From that moment on things were frantic, just like every concert. People running everywhere, us rehearsing time after time…Gustavo yelling at me because I was not doing things right.

"You better not fuck things up dog!" he screamed at my face, normally I would reply that we were tired as hell and that we were doing fine and that he had to get some anger management consultant, but instead I looked him in the eye and spoke softly.

"I know" now everybody was looking at me in awe "Can we go now?" I asked him because yeah maybe I didn't want to fight him because that took too much effort but I wanted to think and rest before the concert, being next to a sweaty James was messing with my senses a little too much.

"Yeah leave!" he dismissed us, I walked outside hearing Carlos and Logan talking but not putting much into trying to understand what they were saying or wait for them. The hotel was just a couple of blocks away so I decided to go walking, I put on my beanie then I decided that it would show who I was in no time, so I changed it for my hood, I got my shades and headphones before I went out. It was windy outside and I could see already a line of fans waiting to get inside, I was glad that none of them recognized me…yeah changing the beanie was a nice idea. I walked in silence until I saw some dark clouds getting closer to the city…wasn't Phoenix supposed to be a desert and have no rains? I walked faster to get inside the hotel, thanking Kelly for giving us room keys to each one of us, I was sharing with Carlos, which I didn't care at all, it was nice for a change. I got inside the elevator and then my room and got a quick shower, I let the shower stream relax my muscles and damp my hair, today I could escape everything…I couldn't do this anymore, it was too much to endure and because of that I respected James a lot more, he had put up with this for years, rehearsing, playing, getting sweaty around me and he had still been there, he had even helped me get to say good bye to Jo when it was clear that it pained him to do it…I was a coward, and like a nice wimp I wanted out.

"Kendall?" I heard Carlos' voice from outside the bathroom.

"Yeah?" if my calculations were right we still had like 3 hours before the show, so he wasn't there to make me hurry up.

"Could you hurry? We want to talk to you?" We? Maybe Logan was ready to talk to me…that was kind of good because honestly I wanted to have my friends too, I needed them to know how I felt, even if we knew things were lost between me and James.

"In a minute" I turned off the stream, dried myself and changed into my skinny jeans before I walked out to find Carlos and Logan sitting on the beds looking at me "I'm all ears"

"Let's talk about James' scar" I grimaced hearing them, they didn't know I had heard their talk with James, they only knew what he remembered so I guessed it could be nice that I told them what had happened "He told us about it…and about those kids calling him Jamie"

"Yeah he had a rough time" I shrugged not really sure that I could talk about all of that because telling them meant that they would probably tell James and for some reason I didn't want him to know that I had known about everything this whole time "And yes I called him like that with all the intentions of hurting him" I accepted looking into their eyes, I was feeling a little more relaxed and in peace, maybe showers did help to get the mind in the right place.

"Why?" asked Carlos and I could see how his huge black eyes turned watery hating what I had done.

"Because he was right" they both looked at me not getting my words "Because he beat me to do something I wanted to do…even if at the moment I didn't know I wanted to do it…I love him guys, and I hate myself for not finding out before, for pushing him aside when he needed me to be his friend…One time he almost died under my watch, I had to call 911 and with their instructions…" I swallowed hard because that had been the single most terrifying moment of my entire life "I had to cut his throat and dig a pen inside of it"

"W-what?" stuttered Logan looking at me in awe.

"He didn't go straight to the floor that time, he started making this weird noise…and I noticed that he had some trouble breathing before but as the kids began fighting us I couldn't see him…the kids got scared and ran from the place the moment he began mouthing for air, his eyes were unfocused and weird…I panicked so I called emergencies and they asked me if I could find alcohol somewhere near, thank God there was a drunk hobo nearby so I stole his bottle and asked them if it was ok with that, they said that it was fine…they told me to use it to sterilize my pocket blade…I was just getting around the idea of sticking that inside his throat when he fainted in front of me, I didn't think twice before I did it, then I used my pen to keep the whole open…thankfully the paramedics arrived just after that, I was in shock and so scared for James that I screamed for him to not die, to stay with me" I looked at the floor "I told his parents not to tell him anything because…I don't know really…I stayed with him at the hospital for every day, but the moment I had to go back home he woke up, when I came back to the hospital he was talking to some doctor…telling him that he had done this because he was miserable…that the pain made it all better" I frowned before looking at them "He hasn't cut, hasn't he?"

"No, I checked his hands, just the ugly cut from the other day" answered Logan "And he seems breathing just fine…wait, did you just said that you loved him?"

"I thought you were smarter than that Loges" I smiled at their stunned expressions "And yes I do, more than anything, even knowing that he doesn't want me"

"Kendall, you were there when he was doped" I nodded at his words, if they knew about James being drugged…then they should've known about me being with him that night, right? I was about to speak when my phone started buzzing again, THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY! Pissed at this I answered it.

"Hey, I know you must really be a fan or a stalker but I'm not in the mood right now!" I shouted to it.

"I'm Luca" he said and I hung up before I thought something else, what the hell did he want to tell me? And there was the phone buzzing again…oh the fucker would have a piece of my mind.

"What the fuck you do you want? And make it quick because I'm not in the fucking…"

"Would you shut the fuck up and listen!" I blinked stunned at his words "Jesus! Kendall, did you sleep with James that night?"

"Yes, and I'm amazed that he hasn't tell you being all bestsy friends with you"

"In the morning, when he woke up, where were you?" he sounded serious so I thought it would be ok for me to answer that.

"There was nothing edible in that place so I went to fetch him some coffee and painkillers"

"Fuck! Fuck!"

"Is this going somewhere? I need to give a concert"

"He doesn't remember!"

"What?" I blinked hoping that he wasn't saying what I thought he was saying.

"The drug causes amnesia…James doesn't remember anything about that night" said Logan softly standing next to me.

Hehe, what would happen next? OMG! Yeah Review? Coments? Curses? Anything you like I'm all ears xD

Take care!