Chapter 2 - Gotta Get Through This

"When your love is pouring like the rain, I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you, I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time, I look into your eyes
If only I could get through this, if only I could get through this
If only I could get through this, God, God gotta help me get through this
I gotta get through this, I gotta get through this, I gotta make it, gonna make,

Gonna make it through, said I'm gonna get through this, I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you
Give me just a second and I'll be all right, surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay, just another day and then I'll hold you tight"

Gotta Get Through This by Daniel Bedingfield

True to his word, Charlie stopped by the following day to check up on him and then the day after that and the day after that until his visits were a part of Anders' daily routine. Those visits were the best part of his day and as the sun would begin to set each day, his heart would race with anticipation for Charlie's visits. The rogue had become a good friend and the two of them would talk into the wee hours of the morning about the most trivial, mundane things, but when Charlie would stand up to go, Anders dreaded the hours that they would be apart. It had been a long time since Anders had a friend that he could trust completely and he hadn't realized how much he had missed the companionship. On the days that Charlie's business took him out of the city and Anders didn't accompany him, he was downright miserable and depressed.

If Anders was honest with himself he would admit that he was falling for Charlie, but he refused to acknowledge his growing feelings for beautiful rogue for many reasons, but the main one was that Justice demanded that they stay focused on the task at hand, that all of Anders' free time needed to be spent working with the mage underground or working on his manifesto and that everything else that didn't pertain to those things were a distraction. Justice was not happy with Anders' growing attachment to Charlie and was constantly warning him that such a friendship would be dangerous. Anders worked hard on the manifesto and with the mage underground in order to keep the Spirit content, but he ignored Justice regarding his warnings about ending his acquaintance with Charlie, because he couldn't go back to the way things had been before Charlie had come into his life. Charlie brought hope back into Anders' life and you don't realize how much you need hope until you have lived without none.

The other reason that Anders refused to admit his growing attraction and feelings for Charlie, was that the young rogue never made a single overture towards him and although there were times that Anders could have sworn that he saw desire in Charlie's eyes never once did he attempt to make an advance toward him and for that Anders was both relieved and disappointed. Anders knew it would only end in disaster if anything other than friendship ever transpired between the two of them and was grateful that Charlie had never pushed for anything more; although on some level it would have been nice to know that Charlie was as attracted to him as he was to the young rogue. Despite knowing that things would never be able to work out between them, Anders couldn't stay away from him, so when Charlie said that the gang was getting together at the Hanged Man that evening for drinks, he quickly agreed before Justice began screaming in his head that he needed to work on his manifesto.

Anders took a few deep breaths, opened the door to the Hanged Man and stepped inside. He paused a moment as his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, then he made his way to toward the table where everyone had already gathered.

"Well, if it isn't the sexy apostate," Isabela chortled as he slid into a chair beside Charlie.

"It's about time you made it out of that clinic of yours, Blondie."

"I did have some work to do you know. We can't all sip ale and tell stories all day, even if they are about the sexy mage who defeated a group of bandits with a single lightning bolt," Anders joked.

"An abomination and a liar, great," Fenris growled.

"You're just jealous because no one finds you sexy," Anders replied.

"That isn't true, despite all of his tattoos, I think Fenris is very sexy," Merrill said.

Anders cocked an eyebrow. "Has anyone defined sexy for you?"

"Kitten, sexy is someone or something that you find sexual alluring. Are you saying you find our brooding, fisting elf alluring?" Isabela asked.

"I might, if we can gag him somehow. His mouth isn't very appealing to me," Merrill state matter-of-factly. Both Charlie and Isabela burst out laughing.

"You need to have confidence and a variety of wit, charm, and a few other things to make that certain someone's knees go weak when you smile at them," Anders purred.

Charlie grinned at Anders, "And you think you have what it takes to make someone go weak in the knees?"

"Depends on who that someone is; I certainly wouldn't want to make Varric go weak in the knees."

"Thank the ancestors for that, Blondie. I'll sleep a lot easier tonight knowing you won't be making an appearance in my bedroom."

"I'm more curious about the 'few other things' you mentioned. Please enlighten us," Isabela cooed.

"Yes, do share," Fenris hissed.

"If I give away my trade secrets, you'll all be as sexy as me. We can't have that."

"Now you're just being a tease," Isabela whined as she feigned a pout.

"Yes, and I will always leave you wanting more. Besides Isabela, I do believe you were the recipient of one of my many talents," Anders said with a smug smile as he took a sip of ale.

Isabela raised an eyebrow as she thought about it and then a huge grin crossed her face, "You're that runaway apostate that did that electricity thingy at the Pearl. That was nice, very nice indeed."

"What electricity thingy?" Charlie asked.

"Ooo, well he does this thing where he sends currents of electricity through you... hitting all the right places, if you know what I mean."

Anders eyebrows furrowed with curiosity as he watched Charlie shift uncomfortable and start to cross his legs when Carver subtly nudged him in the leg. Charlie quickly uncrossed his legs and rested his ankle on his knee.

"If you try that on me, I'll put my fist where you don't want it." Fenris jeered.

"Making friends and influencing people as always, elf," Varric chortled.

"When you say things like that, it makes me all exited my dear sparkly friend," Isabela murmured.

"What does she mean all the right places?" Merrill asked.

"You know, all those secret places that if touched or licked or... mmm, anyway… leaves you writhing, moaning and begging for more," Charlie said as he then cleared his throat and looked over at Anders.

Once again, he saw that flicker of desire, but before he could reply, Isabela reached across the table and grabbed Charlie's hand. "How about you and I go discover some hidden places, sweetness," Isabela mewed as Anders felt a wave of jealously course through him.

"Charlie doesn't need to be discovering any secret places with you. I'd be worried about what disease he'd come back with," Carver growled.

"Oh, look at the protective younger brother. Are you feeling left out? Want to play with the adults? I'll let you join in and I promise to be gentle when I break your cher… when I break you in," Isabela chortled.

Anders couldn't help but chuckle as the younger Hawke's face started to turn a deep shade of red.

"I would rather kiss the Archdemon's ass," Carver sneered.

"I can grrr for you too," Isabela retorted.

"I can grrr for you? I really wish I had a dictionary," Merrill complained.

"And a very stiff drink," Fenris grumbled.

To escape the growing tension, Charlie said he was going to use the privy; he stood up and wobbled a little. Anders grabbed his arm to steady him. He didn't think Charlie had that much to drink, but then again, he did arrive here late. Carver said he needed to go too and got up along side of his brother. Anders watched curiously as the two of them made their way to the back of the room. Charlie started to turn to the right where the girls' privy was located, but Carver grabbed his arm and pulled him to the left. He bent down and whispered something in his brother's ear. Charlie grinned and nodded as he followed his brother down the hall. That whole thing was really strange. Something was going on, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

Anders got up and followed them down the hall; he paused just out of sight when he heard Charlie's voice, but now a bit higher. "Bloody hell, what am I supposed to wipe with?"

Carver chuckled, "Wipe? You're supposed to shake it, but no more than three shakes or its considered masturbation."

"Shake it? Shake what? I didn't actually grow anything down there, you idiot!"

"Hear anything interesting?" Isabela whispered into Anders' ear causing him to nearly jump out of his skin.

"Interesting… sure, if you define interesting as the most bizarre conversation you ever overheard" Anders replied without really thinking.

"Oooo, what did you hear, pray tell?"

For some reason beyond Anders understanding he felt the need to protect Charlie, but from what he had no idea. He just knew he shouldn't reveal the conversation to Isabela, so instead of answering her, he asked, "Do think there is something a little off between Carver and Charlie?"

"You mean besides the fact that Carver is virgin and has jealousy issues over his older brother?"

"Not just that… there's something weird going on between those two," Anders mused.

Isabela was quiet for a long moment, "I have noticed that he is overly protective of Charlie, but from what I've seen, Charlie is a wickedly fast and capable rogue, so I don't understand Carver's need to protect him. Let's just hope it's not a 'let's keep it in the family' sort of thing, cause that will be a real waste."

Anders chuckled, "I didn't pick up that vibe from them, but there is definitely something strange going on there. I just can't put my finger on it."

"If Carver has his way, we won't be able to put our anything's on anyone with the last name Hawke."

"I see you're wasting no time trying to stake your claim, in the handsome Ser Charlie Hawke," Anders observed.

"You, my dear, sexy mage, have no room to talk. I've seen the way you ogle him when you think no one is watching."

"I have no idea what..." before he could finish, Isabela pulled him into her arms and kissed him just as Carver and Charlie rounded the corner. Charlie's eyes went wide as Anders pulled away from the pirate wench.

"Well, don't mind us. We were just passing through, please continue. Pretend we weren't here. Better yet, why don't the two of you get a room?" Carver grumbled as they pushed by them.

"Do you think Charlie was more upset over seeing you or me in another's arms?" Isabela asked.

"You're evil, and you are going straight to the Void for this," Anders hissed.

"What? It's a legitimate question. If we can tell who he was more upset about, we would know where we stand, and I'll know just how much harder I will need to pursue him."

"You'll lose, I guarantee it," Anders said.

"We'll, see about that, Ser Mage. Willing to put your money where your mouth is?" Isabela challenged.

Anders paused; he didn't want to place a bet on Charlie's feelings or who he would be sleeping with; that just didn't seem right. Isabela was just looking for a quick shag, but Anders truly cared about him and even though he knew he would never be able to be anything more than just friends with him, Anders couldn't place this bet. "Nope, he's all yours, Isabela," Anders stated flatly as he turned and headed back to the table.

Charlie looked at him curiously as he took his seat beside him. "I'm surprised to see you back here. I thought by now, Isabela would have you in her room, naked as the day you were born, doing the horizontal bop."

"No, no it wasn't like that. I think Isabela might have had just a bit too much to drink. She thought I was someone else."

Charlie chuckled nervously. "Well you seemed to be enjoying the mistaken identity. I didn't realize that you liked women as well as men."

"When I was younger, I had plenty of one night stands, but those types of meaningless relationships are no longer satisfying. Besides I firmly believe that true love knows no gender," Anders explained.

Charlie's eyes widened with surprise as a sly grin spread across his face and in a voice just above a whisper he said, "Good to know."

"What are your views about it? Do you share my way of thinking or are you opposed to it?"

"I believe sexual attraction can't be defined by gender nor can true love."

"Have you ever been in love?" Anders asked.

He paused before he continued. "Yes, once… with a man... he died at Ostagar. Were you in love with Karl?"

"I did love him, but I wasn't in love with him. We lacked that spark that came with true love; you know the feeling of knowing that you were meant for each other."

Charlie nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We parted on good terms and remained friends. That's all you can really ask for when a relationship ends. Do you want to talk about the man that you lost?"

Charlie glanced around at their drunken friends and shook his head. "Not here. It's hard to talk about and I don't want to do it here, but you told me your story so it's only fair that I tell you mine."

"It's starting to get late, how about I walk with you back to your Uncle's and we can talk about on the way," Anders offered.

"Sounds good," Charlie said as he paid his tab. Anders walked to the door and glanced over his shoulder at Isabela. The pirate winked and gave him a knowing grin. Anders smiled and just shook his head.

They walked in silence for a while before Charlie began to speak. "His name was Sayer. When I first met him, I was twelve and he was fourteen. He was a squire for Bann Tondbert, the Bann of Lothering. My father wanted his… children to be able to protect themselves, but he was not trained with blades so he sought out someone who would be willing to take the time to train his children for little coin since we were far from wealthy. He knew that squires for the Bann were well trained, so after much observation, my father approached a young squire that didn't seem to have any immediate family nearby to offer him their financial support and who might be willing train three young children. Sayer eagerly accepted the offer and over the next five years he trained us vigorously. During that time he had become extremely close with our family, my parents thought of him as part of our family, although I was far too attracted to him to ever view him as a brother." He paused; touched his hair and a faint smile crossed his lips as if lost in the sad memory.

"Charlie, if this is too painful, you don't need to tell me about it," Anders said.

Charlie shook his head. "It's okay… I… I just remembered how much Sayer loved my hair…It used to be long."

Anders cocked an eyebrow, "Really?" Somehow he couldn't picture him with long hair. His features were too soft and long hair would have definitely made him look like a girl… a beautiful girl with a goatee.

Charlie grinned at him and nodded. "Yes, as a matter-of-fact it was past my shoulders, but I mostly wore it pulled into a ponytail, but when I was alone with him, he would pull it out and run his fingers through it. Maker, I can almost still feel his fingers buried there."

"You truly loved him," Anders said actually in awe at the depth of the feelings that Charlie had for this man.

He nodded, "Yes, he was my first in every way; my first best friend, my first love, my first lover and the first man that broke my heart."

They had reached his Uncle's home, but Charlie wasn't done with his tale so he gestured for them to sit down on the stairs.

"How?" Was all Anders could manage to say.

"My… my father was a mage and so was Bethany. He trained Bethany to control her magic and taught her spells, but he feared her using her magic to defend herself, because he didn't want to draw unwanted attention to her, so she too trained with Sayer, so that she didn't have to rely on magic to protect herself…"

"Charlie?"

He looked up at him with those deep blue eyes and Anders' heart melted. "You're a mage too aren't you?"

Charlie's eyes widened as fear flickered in them. "W-what makes you say that?"

"I can feel the magic in your aura," Anders replied calmly.

Anders could see his chest rapidly rising and falling as panic was rushing through him. "H-how is that possible? I can't detect your magic."

"It's because of Justice. As a Fade Spirit, a piece of the Fade is always with me… in me. It's the Fade that magic draws its power from, so it's that piece of the Fade in me that allows me to sense that power in others." Anders rested his hand on Charlie's shoulder. "Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. It was wise of your father to teach you to control your magic and to give you other skills to protect yourself with."

They sat in silence for a long time then Anders asked, "How did Sayer break your heart?"

"He didn't do it on purpose, but at the time, I just couldn't find it in myself to forgive him. Before Reverend Mother Agatha took over the chantry in Lothering, the Reverend Mother was J-Jacquelyn…" Charlie stuttered on the name and he was unable to hide the bitterness in his voice.

"Reverend Mother Jacquelyn was a bit of a fanatic and believed that all apostate mages and malificar should be made tranquil. She had a small group radical templars that held her beliefs and together they set out to eradicate the world of mages that lived outside the Circle. How many fell victim to her insane and extreme methods is still unknown, but my father was her last casualty…"

He paused to collect his feelings. Anders knew where this was headed and wanted to pull him into his arms to offer him comfort. Instead, he gently rubbed his back, encouraging him to continue.

"My father was discovered at a pond near our home by a neighbor. He was led into our yard… he had that blank stare… those dead eyes… that monotone voice… my mother collapsed to the ground, wailing in agony as if someone had just gutted her…till the day I die, I'll remember her cries. My father had always said that he would rather be dead than tranquil. Sayer had heard him say that at least hundred times. When they had brought my father back, Sayer and I had been in the practice ring, sparring. I could see the anger in his eyes and knew it had to mirror my own. Sayer walked over to my mother and whispered something in her ear. My mother gave a nod as he helped her to her feet. She walked over to my father, hugged and kissed him, and as she turned away, Sayer drove his dagger into my father's h-heart, killing him instantly."

"Maker, have mercy! He didn't even let you say good-bye," Anders whispered. No wonder he hid his magic and perfected his skills as a rogue.

"He knew I would have stopped him. I would never have allowed him to kill my father, even though I-I knew he was honoring my father's wishes. I k-knew he asked my mother for permission before he did it, but I just couldn't forgive him… I refused to ever see him after that day. A year later, he was in Ostagar… where he died, and I never had the chance to tell that I finally understood and that I forgave him."

Charlie hung his head as he began to cry, and the sight of it broke Anders' heart. He pulled him into his arms. The sounds of his stifled cries were almost feminine, which made it all the more heartbreaking. "I'm so sorry, Charlie." There were no words to offer, that would ease the pain of that story.

He cried for a while, but then out of embarrassment, pulled out of Anders' embrace and quickly brushed his tears away. "Well crying like a baby isn't going to win me any man points. Thank the Maker, Carver isn't here. He would never let me live this down."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about Carver. I've seen you put him in his place on a regular basis. So, whatever happened to Reverend Mother Jacquelyn?"

A sly grin crossed his face, "Someone slipped into her room in the middle of the night and slit her throat."

"Sayer?"

"I believe so," Charlie said.

"Good, the bitch deserved to die," Anders grunted.

"If I had a mug of ale, I would toast to that," Charlie chuckled.

"Well, I guess now I know all of your secrets," Anders said.

For a second Charlie's eyes widened then he gave Anders a roguish grin, "You don't know all my secrets. A g-guy has to have some mystery about him."

Anders laughed. "Oh, so I need to get you drunk more often then I see."

Charlie smiled at him. "Good night, Anders and thank you."

"You're welcome and good night Charlie," he smiled as he watched the charming rogue make his way into the house.

Author Notes – I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. The response has been awesome and I really appreciate your support.

*A huge thank to my Beta Guru, Jinxy, for her excellent skills at making me look good. You rock, my friend!