TIME –Chapter 5

That previous chapter was a bitch to write, I hope it came out ok. I knew what I fundamentally wanted to have play out during the scene, but I am not sure I got it just right. Oh well, On to another chapter.

I don't own any of these characters

Wincest warning.

Dean's last ten years of hell are brightly colored fragments of innocent faces twisted in unbelievable pain and agony. Dean watches them cry wordlessly for release, for loved ones, for anything they can think of, and the horror of his own actions never dulls. He has become a monster, not recognizable to himself any longer, and every victim on his table blurs into the next.

And then he awakens in a pine box, six feet in the ground.

(break)

SAM

Sam feels weird being back in the shotgun seat of the Impala once again, his brother at the wheel, pushing the sleek black car ever faster down a no name highway under a velvety black sky. Sam watches posts and signs and reflectors rush up at them and tries to breathe steadily, in and out.

He steals looks at Dean in the darkness, his eyes memorizing the features of the brother that he had lost and somehow had returned to him. He wants to feel just the happiness that Dean has returned and has somehow been made whole again, but the panic and fear peck at his brain like a woodpecker of doubt has taken up permanent residence in his skull.

He mouth tastes sour and Sam rolls his tongue around, trying to rid it of the flavor of terror that he recognizes. That taste has been in his mouth since Dean had shown him the huge red handprint burned into his shoulder.

After he had seen that handprint, Sam had excused himself to use the bathroom, but once closed into the tiny room, he had whipped out his cell phone and called Ruby, desperate for information about Dean's resurrection.

She had been as puzzled as Sam, and Sam believed her when she said nothing she had ever heard of could have risen Dean from hell. He believed her because he heard the fear in her voice, the idea of unknown forces at work making her voice shaky and unsure.

Sam promised to contact her when they reach wherever they are going, and snaps his phone shut, trying to fight the bubbling emotions struggling to the surface, threatening to break the calm façade he has maintained since he realized it was really Dean, and he was really back.

Dean pulls off the highway at a sign that says, Pontiac, Illinois and finds a motel. Dean hasn't spoken much, and hasn't made eye contact with Sam at all except for when he first showed up at the motel. Sam worries his bottom lip with his teeth, trying not to think of why Dean wasn't talking to him, or looking at him.

They carry their bags into the room and Sam salts the entrances while Dean lays out their weapons carefully on a battered Formica table.

Without another glance in Sam's direction, Dean pulls off his boots, and lies down fully clothed on top of the bed. "Good night, Sammy", he whispers and closes his eyes.

(break)

Sam watches Dean sleep for the longest time, memorizing his face, watching his taut chest rise and fall rhythmically. Dean's slumber isn't peaceful, and he thrashes about on the bed, his head turning side to side, his mouth forming wordless screams and Sam twitches towards him constantly, wanting to soothe and reassure Dean, but somehow knows his touch will only make it worse.

Sam's own breathing hitches every time he watches Dean convulse in his nightmares, because his love for his brother is such that when Dean is in pain, Sam is in pain. Dean is Sam's everything, his all, his reason for being. Dean defines Sam in a way that if you looked up Sam Winchester in the dictionary, all it would say is see Dean Winchester. He has understood that for much longer than anyone would ever guess. Sam begins where Dean ends.

Dean's sleep seems to get a little easier, and he stops moving and twitching and Sam gets up and begins to pace the room. The handprint on Dean's shoulder is a clue to what has happened, but Sam can't wrap his head around what could have caused it. So he paces, his eyes constantly jumping back to Dean to make sure he doesn't disappear, and he worries.

Sam's mind keeps going back over the last four months without Dean. He doesn't want to think about the darkest time of his existence, but his mind won't obey him, and it continuously creeps back into his skull, ringing like a phone until Sam gives up and answers it.

When the light had left Dean's eyes after the hellhound attack, and Lillith had stood in front of Sam, white light blasting from her outstretched hand, all Sam wanted was to die. He waited in anticipation for his own end, knowing that Dean was truly and forever gone, and all Sam could think to himself was, I am not far behind you, brother.

The crushing disappointment he felt when it had no effect on him was marred only by his confusion, and when Lillith had smoked out of Ruby's old meat suit, Sam had begun a downward spiral that he was only now beginning to mentally comprehend.

He had staggered Dean's mangled body out of the room and propped him in the front seat of the Impala and Sam had driven like a wild man, tears coursing down his face as he yelled at his brother's corpse. Bobby's headlights swerving behind him, eventually pulling ahead of Sam and cutting him off were the only thing that stopped Sam from driving the car into an oncoming semi, or the nearest tree.

When Bobby had forced Sam to stop, Sam had been wild with anger, pulling himself out of the Impala and running at Bobby, his fists clenched, and he had swung, hitting Bobby on the jaw with a hard right. His next swing went wide and Bobby took the opportunity to grab Sam around the waist and just hold on, and in his gruff country voice, punctured by his own sobs, Bobby had said, "Sam, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." Over and over again, until Sam could no longer bear his own weight and his knees gave out, causing him to sink to the blacktop in a haze of grief and anguish.

Somehow Bobby had talked Sam off the road and into his own car, and directed him to a nearby spot. Bobby wouldn't allow Sam to take the Impala with Dean's body still sitting upright in the shotgun seat, instead he drove with Dean's body, following Sam to the burial spot, his beard soaked with his own grief stricken tears.

Together they had dug the grave and Sam's face was awash with so much anger, stress, grief and torment, that it hurt Bobby's eyes just to look at him. Right there at the site, Bobby had pulled the pine he had placed in his trunk, and his hammer and nails and fashioned Dean's coffin right beside the freshly dug grave.

They had carried Dean's lifeless body and placed it ever so gently in the box, and Sam had not made eye contact with Bobby, because he knew he was going to split apart and all that was holding him together was that he could still see Dean. They had placed Dean in the pine box, and Bobby had stood to the side as he watched Sam sob over his brother, carefully removing the amulet Dean always wore around his neck before placing a salty broken hearted kiss on his dead brother's lips.

Backing away from Dean finally, Sam had looked up and saw Bobby holding a lighter, and he lost it all over again, tackling Bobby to the ground and forcing the lighter from his hand, screaming that Dean would need his body when Sam brought him back from hell.

Bobby had looked scared through to his core at that, but he helped Sam fix the lid over Dean, and had shoveled dirt over the pine box with him.

Sam found two pieces of wood and had banged together a cross, planting it at the head of his brothers grave. He just stood there for hours, staring down at the freshly dug earth, not thinking, not seeing, not feeling. He had just buried his life six feet under, so why was he still standing here? It was beyond the scope of his mind.

When he couldn't stand it any longer, he had walked to Bobby and placed a hand on his shoulder without ever looking at him, and kept walking to the Impala. He got in and started to drive, and didn't look back.

(break)

Sam is shaken from his past grief by the beep of his cell phone, a signal from Ruby that she is outside, waiting for him.

He watches Dean sleep for a few more precious moments before tearing his eyes away. He heads to the door, opening it quietly and prepares to meet his demon mentor.

(break)

Ruby is jittery, nervous, pacing in front of Sam and peppering him with questions about Dean. Sam watches her through dull eyes, unable to give her the answers, or possible reassurance she needs.

Ruby is wearing the meat suit of a beautiful woman, dark haired and exotic looking, and before she had understood who Sam truly was, she had tried to use her new body to entice him under her control. It was pretty laughable in a sick way, because the only person Sam had ever wanted for his own was long gone and he couldn't face life without him, let alone entertain sexual feelings towards another being.

So Ruby had taken a different approach, offering Sam the only thing that he truly wanted, revenge for the death of his brother. Sam had jumped at the opportunity and trained constantly, his psychic abilities becoming sharper and easier to manage.

Dean walking planet earth again didn't fit into Ruby's master plan and she was worried at this development, trying to hide that worry in faux concern for Sam and his brother. She feels her control over Sam slipping with Dean's return and is panicked and scared.

Their meeting is short, because neither has an answer as to why Dean is back, and Sam walks back towards the motel slowly, Ruby watching him until he is out her line of sight. Sam doesn't even notice.