A/N: Hey all! Here's chapter four. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, I do not own Adele's music and I do not own Mr. Hudson's music.
Jesse St. James smiled sadly to himself as he continued to text Rachel. He was supposed to be paying attention to his Intro to Psychology class but he was practically failing anyway. Paying attention to the last half hour of the lecture wouldn't make much of a difference.
Rachel had yet to respond to his text asking her to go to the movies with him that afternoon. This was somewhat out of the ordinary since she was usually, almost inhumanly, swift with her responses.
Jesse sighed and tucked his phone in his jacket pocket. He forewent paying attention to the lecture in favor of contemplating his relationship with Rachel.
He knew that he was leading the girl on, but he couldn't bring himself to break her heart again. After the first time, he'd made it his mission to set things right. But let's be honest, he couldn't have a real relationship with the young brunette.
The fact that he was barely making it through his freshman year in college and that she was just past the halfway mark in high school was reason enough for him to reconsider being with her.
So why did he insist on continuing to date her? Why did he insist on stringing this poor, sweet girl along in a relationship that will inevitably end in a worse state than it did the first time?
Lyin'
I still can't find the truth
So I spend another line on you
You can't blame a fella for tryin'
Jesse supposed it was because he wanted a piece of that high school innocence that he never got to experience. Listening to Rachel natter on endlessly about a particularly silly incident in glee club or an unfair teacher made him realize all that he'd missed during his own high school years.
While he was in Vocal Adrenaline, he'd never had to worry about actual schoolwork. His coach had made certain that all of the singers were passed with the bare minimum in order to keep them eligible for competition. That's probably why he's almost failing out of college now. But that's not the point.
I'm hoping
You eat my every word
Doesn't it taste so good?
But deep inside I'm dyin'
Jesse was simply choosing to live vicariously through Rachel under the guise of a loving boyfriend. He wasn't sure why he didn't feel worse about what he was doing to his girlfriend. Perhaps it was because he'd already deceived her once. It wasn't such a monumental task to do it a second time. The only difference was that he wasn't competing with a rival show choir.
If anything, that made the situation much, much worse.
Oh
I want a word with you
There's never a perfect time
It's time for another white lie
Jesse's phone buzzed and he jumped slightly, forgetting that he was awaiting Rachel's response. Upon seeing her cheerful text agreeing to meet with him at their usual theatre, which was only a short walk away from her house, Jesse sighed again. He used the remainder of the lecture time and the drive from his university campus to mentally prepare himself for what was sure to be another grueling date.
White lies
Just a little white lie
I did it to get close to you
And I will tell a million more white lies
Just a little white lie
I did it to get close to you
And I will tell a million more white lies
"Hey babe," Jesse crept up behind Rachel and enveloped her in a hug from behind. She'd been waiting in front of the movie theatre for Jesse's arrival.
"Oh my gosh, Jesse! You scared me!" Rachel carefully extracted herself from her boyfriend's grip, blushing slightly at their public display.
"Sorry about that, I just couldn't resist getting my hands on you as soon as I saw you." Jesse placed a kiss to Rachel's lips before letting her go completely. He admired her blush, imagining a much simpler world. A world in which they might have actually been a real couple.
Ever the caring boyfriend, Jesse tucked a lock of hair behind Rachel's ear. He let it linger for a moment too long on her cheek as he smiled down at her. He knew that he had a look of utmost love and adoration plastered on his face as he and Rachel walked hand-in-hand into the theatre.
Usually, Jesse was glad for the amateur acting lessons that had been forced upon all members of Vocal Adrenaline. They were to help the singers really channel the emotions that their songs called for. Now, he was mildly disgusted by how well he'd done in those classes. He was almost a natural at pretending to feel any and every emotion.
Sometimes
Good men do bad things
Just as bad men can do good
Tell me which way you like it
Someday
I know you'll understand
That I didn't really have much choice
I just had to hide it
The movie was uninteresting. It was some romantic comedy with the type of plot that can be easily discerned from a few commercials. Usually Jesse would use their movie dates to see how far Rachel would allow him to go. She never let him get to any of the good parts but Jesse kept trying all the same. After all, he should be getting something out of this, right?
But this movie date was lacking in such commonplace teenaged activities. Rachel tried to engage him once or twice but Jesse gently shrugged her off, chalking it up to simply wanting to watch the movie. Rachel, though obviously hurt, kept to herself for the rest of the film.
Of course that wasn't true at all. Jesse wasn't really paying attention to the movie. He was too busy trying to decide if he should break up with Rachel sooner, rather than later. He already knew the practical answer to that question. If it weren't so completely rude, Jesse would have dumped her before the previews started rolling. But he was too selfish to let go of that childish innocence just yet. Jesse wanted to hold onto it for as long as possible. If it meant slighting Rachel once in a while, delaying his final act of emotional cruelty, then so be it.
Feeling only moderately remorseful for his chilly reception to Rachel's amateur advances, he reached over and held the brunette's hand for the remainder of the film. Seeing her smile, even in the darkness of the theatre, made Jesse feel just a little bit worse about himself.
Oh
I want a word with you
There's never a perfect time
However much I try, try, try, try
Oh why don't you sit yourself down?
'Cause we gotta talk this through
It's time for another white lie
"Jesse, what's wrong."
Jesse and Rachel were seated at a small table in a diner just a block away from the movie theatre. The boy in question looked up in surprise from his burger and onion rings. What was with Rachel's tone? Jesse swallowed carefully before answering.
"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong." He tried to go back to eating his dinner but Rachel was having none of it.
"You're lying. When we first met up outside of the theatre you were all over me but since we left the theatre, you've barely spoken two words to me. I won't even comment on the rejection that you dealt me during the movie." Rachel lowered her voice and looked at Jesse as though she were preparing for news of the gravest sort. "Is…is there someone else?"
Jesse suppressed a mighty sigh. So they were going to have this conversation again. Over and over, Rachel would come up with some half-thought out theory as to why he was suddenly uninterested in her. She usually fell back on the accusation of cheating. Ever since he publicly humiliated her, Rachel hadn't been quite as trusting as even she would like to believe.
And over and over again, Jesse would have to, almost patronizingly, reassure Rachel that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Of course, he couldn't tell her the real reason for his random bouts of disinterest, almost like clockwork in occurrence.
White lies
Just a little white lie
I did it to get close to you
And I will tell a million more white lies
Just another white lie
I did it to get close to you
And I will tell a million more white lies
"Rachel, as you already know, you are the only girl in my life. Is it so wrong for me to want to simply enjoy a movie with my girlfriend? Do you honestly expect me to want to feel you up at every opportunity?" Rachel made a move to interject but Jesse continued on. "I know what I said earlier today, but that was an immediate need that I couldn't ignore. After all, we don't see each other as often as I would like. I would think that you'd be glad to just enjoy each other's company. Or do you really wish to be seen as one of those horny couples that has no regard for public decency?" Jesse sat and watched all of the emotions play across his girlfriend's face. She will never make it in the theatre business if she continues being so transparent. Anger, confusion, embarrassment, resignation. It was all there. Jesse could watch the emotions flit across Rachel's face for hours.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that that's all we had to do whenever we spend time together. I guess I just got worried. I know that I don't do as much as other girls and sometimes I feel like it's not enough for you." Rachel finished her statement speaking more to her own Caesar salad than to Jesse.
His heart, or what was left of it, cracked just the tiniest bit at the unexpected confession. Jesse knew that Rachel was insecure about some things, so it really didn't surprise him that intimacy was one of them. He knew she wasn't going to put out any time soon but that's not why Jesse was with her. He had other sources for that. Jesse reached across the table and took Rachel's fidgeting hands in his own. His smile was kind and forgiving.
"Don't worry about it, I understand. But sometimes, just know that I just want to spend time with you. I will never push you into anything that you're not ready for." Rachel smiled that brilliant smile of hers again. The one that made Jesse remember just how much of a bastard he'd become. It was the very same smile that also reminded him that there's still the slim possibility of him becoming a better person. Very slim, indeed.
I was just playin' girl
I was just playin' by your rules
Just a little white lie
And I'll tell a million more white lies
The couple finished their dinner in a content silence and began the short walk from the diner to Rachel's house. Slowly approaching her front door, Rachel turned to her boyfriend with a hopeful look on her face.
"Would you like to come in for game night? My dads and I always have a game night every week. This week is Scrabble." Rachel chewed her lip nervously, waiting for Jesse's response.
"I'm afraid I can't," Jesse threw up a look of regretful sorrow as he shrugged his shoulders. "You know, lots of college work that has to get done."
"Yes, of course. I understand completely." Rachel tried to conceal her obvious disappointment and Jesse almost changed his answer. But that wouldn't be a wise decision.
He'd been invited to family game nights at the Berry household on numerous occasions but he simply couldn't bring himself to meet Rachel's parents. How could he look them in the face, smile, shake hands and earn a Triple Word Score when he was doing nothing more than prolonging their oblivious daughter's suffering?
No. Jesse wasn't ready to break things off with Rachel just yet, selfish as he was. But he refused to make the inevitable pain that much more poignant by meeting her parents.
"I'll make it up to you, I promise." Jesse bent down to kiss Rachel before he turned to wak back to his car. It was still parked near the movie theatre.
"Okay. Will you call me when you get home? You know…just to make sure that you're safe." Rachel fidgeted with her keys as she spoke.
"Yes, I will call you to let you know that I am safe." Jesse kissed Rachel one last time before she unlocked her front door and slipped inside.
He found it ironic that she was worried about his safety. After all, it's her own safety that she could be concerned with, at least in the emotional sense. Jesse was reminded of an old saying. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Yes, shame on Rachel for thinking that he was the one who needed protection.
A/N: There you have it! I'm a little iffy on the end of this chapter but I couldn't keep racking my brain trying to figure out how else to end it. For this chapter, I used Mr. Hudson's "White Lies." It's one of my favorites. Let me know what you think!