Disclaimer: All rights on canon characters go to Father Straffi.

Big Boys Don't Cry

By: Renachi

Riven knew that the rhythmic beating of the heart monitor would later haunt him in his dreams, but he still listened to the steady beat. He forced himself to direct his stare at his lover, noting the wave of guilt that followed. He deserved to feel pained. He wanted to. He needed to.

He chastised himself when he felt his eyes involuntarily flinching every time they fell on her grotesque body. Her body looked as if it was massacred. With all the patches of gauze covering her skin, she was hardly recognizable. He couldn't help but shiver every time she let out a shallow breath with the mask attached to her mouth, and cringe when his eyes traced her broken body to the tubes protruding from her body.

Why couldn't it have been him? Why couldn't Musa have been the one to come out of the accident more or less unscathed? For Riven, the injuries were far less detrimental; fresh wounds were stitched; an arm was thrown into a sling; and bruises were treated. In contrast, Musa came out of the crash with several broken bones, wounds, and bruises along with a severe head trauma—so severe that it threw her into deep slumber.

Ever since the day he opened his eyes, he had been looming over Musa like a shadow with worried thoughts, hoping that her eyes would flutter open and reveal those beautiful, dark eyes he loved so much. However, ever since the doctor has disclosed a piece of information, Riven was apprehensive. Perhaps Musa was better off not waking up.

Adjusting the crooked edge of Musa's blanket with his one uninjured hand, Riven casted another lingering look at her. A dismal frown marred his lips. He adjusted and readjusted the edge, and waited for that familiar moment of satisfaction and pride that he was reward whenever he accomplished a feat such as completely a difficult levi bike manuever. Unfortunately, at that specific moment, that uplifting feeling refused to visit.

Suddenly, Musa's lips twitched. One eye managed to creak open slightly and gaze out beneath the gauze caking her eyelids. Other than the incessant beeping of the machines, the couple shared a pin-drop silence with each other. Riven body stiffened into unmovable stone. The second dragged on endlessly as the two shared a gaze.

That second was akin to their other shared moments—moments where they would wake up in bed in the morning and just lie in each other's tender embraces to let the harsh reality fade away. Moments where they would lace their fingers in each other's. Yes. Their gaze was just like those romantic moments, except that this time, instead of bringing comfort, the moment chilled Riven to the bone. It was hard to admit the truth that for the first time in a long time, Riven feared his wife.

Musa's lips moved, trying to form words. No words came though, and she settled for more staring.

"Don't look at me like that," he muttered. When Musa just kept staring, he swallowed and continued. "Don't look at me so expectantly with that innocence when you don't know that you're..." he choked, "You're paralyzed. You can't play music anymore."

Those words seemed stuck to his throat even after the left, refusing to budge and opting to clog his lungs.

You can't play music anymore.

He didn't miss the glimmer in her eyes that seemed to linger for minutes till her eyelids fell slowly, and stayed closed. But he couldn't ask her to stay awake when he knew that he was the one who turn Musa into that pallid mess lying in that blindingly white hospital bed. So he let her rest.

Musa continued to stay in that vegetable state much to Riven's dismay. He stopped going home, opting to lodge in motels. Because of his negligence, Hoboe offered to take care of the married couple's four year old daughter, Aria.

Months passed like this, and eventually the length Riven's visits started to decline. He began to idly go about his daily business with a cold attitude. He went to work, ate, slept, and performed all the functions of a normal person. But it was all a show. Everyone knew it. Helia kept pestering him to visit his daughter, and Timmy spared hours of time away from the computer to visit Riven. Even busy King Sky and Brandon, who was preparing to become a prince consort, started to furrow their brows in fervent frustration.

Then on a frigid morning, he had the mistake of not checking the caller id before unwittingly answering his phone.

"Riven…can you come home?" the hoarse voice breathed.

Riven lingered on the line for a long time, wondering if Hoboe would drop the line if he didn't answer, but eventually he replied, "What is it?"

"I need to discuss some stuff about Aria with you."

"Stuff?"

"Paperwork, guardianship…Y'know, that good stuff."

"…I understand. I'll come tomorrow morning."

When he arrived, he rang the doorbell two times, but no one answered. Right before he almost decided to leave, the door opened, revealing Musa's shriveled old man.

"Riven," he acknowledged. "Come in."

At first was awkward to be invited into his own home, but after he stepped through the doorway, he realized how foreign the house felt to him. Even though he and Musa personally picked out the house after days of searching for the perfect home for their family, the "perfect home" now seemed nothing like the comfortable sanctuary he spent his last two years in. It all felt like a distant memory that tugged at his conscious. That warm memory was now pooled together with the memory of marriage. After many breakups and get-back-togethers with the lovely fairy, he finally gathered the courage to propose…properly for the first attempt ended grotesquely with a cream pie in his face. The memory of the wedding was etched in his mind so deeply that he wondered if it was the same for Musa. He vividly remembered Musa's breathtaking pearly white dress and his sure vow to always take care of Musa.

He broke that vow.

"Sit down."

Riven returned back to reality when Hoboe urged him to sit instead of aimlessly standing in the middle of the living room, as if he were misplaced.

"I'll get straight to the point," Hoboe's quivering voice started, "I want you to spend some time with Aria. You haven't seen her for months."

Riven stayed quiet.

"Ever since Musa's accident, you've been completely impotent. I thought that it was just a faze, so I took care of Aria for you, but if I knew that you'd turn out like this...Your daughter needs her father, especially when her mother is absent."

Silence.

"Musa would be disappointed if she saw you dragging on this depression of yours."

Riven nostrils flared as riveting strand of tension ran up his throat. "You can only say that because you aren't the one who hurt her. It was me. I was the one who put her in this lifeless state. I was the one who stole away her ability to make music, and you tell me that she would be disappointed? What a load of bullshit," he angrily spat

"Riven, it isn't your fault."

"How?" he demanded. "It is my fault. I was the one who was driving that car that day. It was me or drove recklessly even thought she pleaded for me to slow down. It was me who swerved off the road, so don't you dare tell me that it wasn't my fault."

Hoboe's eyebrows rose. "I never knew my son-in-law was so...pigheaded."

"And you might as well add murderer to that list."

He let out a heavy sigh. "How long are you going to act like this? Are you going to continue on like this when Musa wakes up?"

Riven scoffed. "Maybe she won't wake up."

A hard fist collided against Riven jaw. Riven felt his face turn to the side before he regained his composure that was temporarily replaced by anger. The punch wasn't jaw breaking like the ones he encountered back at Red Fountain, however, it somehow hurt more. It swelled with emotion. Focusing his attention back on his father-in-law, he met eyes on fire with rage.

"Don't you dare say she won't wake up!" he bellowed with all the strength he could muster from his withered body.

His eyes caught the sight the trembling figure of a small girl hiding behind the living room doorway. She was easily recognizable from the dark tuft of hair sticking out from the top of her head. The furious expression on Hoboe's face softened.

"Come out Aria." When the little girl didn't budge, he tried again. "It's ok. Everything is fine, so come give your grandfather a hug." Aria stared at her grandfather for a long time before looking at Riven with dark, round eyes. Only then did she tentatively stepped out from behind the corner and took steady steps towards him while Hoboe bent down to her eyelevel.

"Your papa and I are going to go out for a minute or two, so I want you to promise me that you won't leave the house ok?" Aria shot Riven a quick look before meekly nodding. "Pinky promise?" Hoboe held out his frail pinky as Aria hooked her finger onto it to seal the promise. A smile grew on his face. "Good. Hoboe and papa will be back soon. Why don't you go to the playroom and play with you toys till we come back?"

After watching the little girl leave, her little tuft of hair bobbing as she ran, he led Riven to the garage. "We'll be taking my car."

Hoboe drove in silence for about five minutes and stopped at the nearby park's curb till Riven turned on the radio. Hoboe immediately disapproved. "Turn that off. We need to talk."

Riven shot him a scowl, but nevertheless, he did what he was told and waited for Hoboe to begin with his disparagement, but instead, he received a story.

"This may annoy you, but I know how you feel and I understand that you are frustrated but…" He let out a sigh, and tried to restart. "When Musa's mother died, I thought the world had ended for me. I couldn't go on. Because I was poor, I couldn't buy medicine for her when she was sick. I couldn't do anything other than helplessly watch as she sunk into her death bed. I thought that I had broken the most important oath in my life, the oath to protect my wife for as long as I lived. Musa was the one who brought me back to her senses. I looked at Musa and realized that my life wasn't over, that Matlin had left me with the most precious gift she could offer, someone to live for. And I also realized that the least thing I could do for her was to live life the way she would want me to while treasuring the things she treasured while she was still alive."

"Look, that's a nice story and all, but at least Matlin probably loved you when she passed away. Musa…Musa probably detests me, detests me for taking music and life away from her. That's probably why she hasn't opened her eyes again," Riven explained.

"Do you really think that? Do you really think that the caring woman you pledged your life to could suddenly hate you so easily?"

Riven pondered the questioned silently and remembered the warm smiles she'd given him daily along with those reassuring eyes to remind him that she would always stay by his side. Then in a fraction of a second, it was all gone. All that was left was the hazy eyed look she gave him after he told her about her paralysis.

"I don't know," he replied in frustration, diverting his eyes with a scowl.

"Yes you do," Hoboe sternly replied. "You knew—no, you know Musa would never think that way. You just want to believe she would to punish yourself, but it is enough already." He drew in a deep breath, "You can come home now. There is people who miss you waiting for you at home."

Hoboe had nothing more to say. They started back home without music filling up the the silent atmosphere pervading the air. Somehow playing music seemed perverse in the absence of Musa, as if music was an element that should only be present when Musa was.

When they arrived back home, the two of them immediately went to check up on Aria. To their dismay, she was nowhere to be found. They looked in every single room and checked every corner to no avail.

"Shit," he lightly cursed under his breath. "Is it because I didn't want to come home? Did she think that—"

"Calm down Riven. Panicking won't solve anything. She must around the house somewhere. You go check the front yard. I'll go check the backyard."

Riven did what he was told and walked into the outside, his eyes scanning the row of hedges, hoping that she would be hiding behind one of them. Then he caught the sight of a tuft of black hair sticking out from a little opening in the hedge. To his relief, Musa was curled up in a ball inside the snug opening.

"Aria."

Her head perked up. Surprise spread over her face upon discovery. "Papa," she squeaked.

"What are you doing hiding out here?" he gently prodded as he crouched down and peered into the opening.

"I was waiting for Papa and Grandpa to return."

Riven eyes momentarily widened in realization. "Were you lonely?"

The meek girl nodded, slow and steady, and her dark eyes lit up with hope as her plump lips elicited a soft gasp. "Papa…has come back?"

"Yep."

"Forever?"

Riven paused. Promising a forever to someone would be a lie. Forever was impossible because there was an unmovable antagonist standing the forever's way—death. But for Aria, forever was possible. It was her dreams, hopes, and innocence.

Without answering, he gathered the slender body in his arms and noticed the warmth radiating from the girl in his arms. Worriedly placing a hand on Aria's forehead, he felt the sweat and heat on her flushed skin. She had a fever, a really bad one.

"You must have been crazy to wait outside for me in this cold," he scolded as he carried Aria to the door.

"But it's ok because papa is going to stay with me forever, right?" she giggled.

Riven called Hoboe to help tuck her into bed and grab the medicine and thermometer from the kitchen. Her fever, measuring at the high temperature of 39 M (1), only served to worry Riven further. In addition, when he tried to feed her the medicine, she would resist, sealing her mouth shut.

"Are you just giving her medicine and water?" Hoboe asked as he entered into the room.

"Yah. Why?"

"Well, usually that stuff is too bitter for kids to swallow," he explained. "Bring that to the kitchen. I'll show you what to do."

Hoboe continued to explain as he took out a tub of yogurt from the refrigerator, "Aria is just like her mom. When Musa was little, she would never take medicine by itself. I would always have to mix the medicine with yogurt or juice," he told as he mixed the medicine with the strawberry yogurt in a little bowl. "Here you go."

"Thanks. I—uh—never really did a lot of this stuff. Musa usually handle stuff like this," Riven bashfully explained and accepted the bowl.

"Well it's a good thing that you've been given the chance to act as a proper dad," he said as he grabbed the keys from the counter. "Feed that yogurt to Aria slowly, and if she doesn't drink water, give her small cubes of ice to keep her hydrated. I'm going to the pharmacy to get more medicine."

Riven followed Hoboe's advice and slowly fed Aria the yogurt. He urged her to open her mouth by saying, "Say ah. It's yummy yogurt," and, "Just a little bit more and you are all done." After she finished all her medicine, she fell to sleep. Riven stayed by her side, hovering over her with concern, but after many minutes passed, he settled into a settled chair beside the bed.

"Mama." A soft cry came from Aria's mouth as she fidgeted in sleep. "Mama."

Riven hurriedly rushed to her side. "What's wrong? Does it hurt?"

"Mama," she whispered as her eyes slowly opened. Her porcelain skin was flushed in red while tears started streaming down her cheeks. Whatever Riven tried to do to sate her only earned him another teary sob.

"Mama isn't here anymore is she?" Riven stiffened. "Did she fly up to heaven to be with Grandma? I want wings too…I want to fly to be with Mama. I'll grow wings one day and fly to her, right?"

Arms wrapped around the weak body that contained his precious daughter's mind and soul. His vision grew watery as his grip tightened around his angel. Even if she would hate him and curse him, he wished so hard that Musa was well again so that he could apologize to her, thank her, and love her. Couldn't he do that?

"Mama is just asleep. She's only visiting Grandma and will be come back soon."Riven body finally relaxed when the sobbing ceased.

"Papa," she breathed.

"What is it?"

"Are you crying?"

He released Aria from his hug and rose a finger to his face and felt moist tracks of tears on his cheeks. Riven wryly smiled. "Yep. Papa is crying."

"But Grandpa said that big boys don't cry."

Riven cocked a brow. "Why did he say that?"

"Because I asked him why he doesn't cry if he misses Grandma. So—So I thought that I shouldn't cry either if I wanted to be a big girl."

Riven felt his world mellow out as he let out a sigh containing all of the tensions from the past months since the accident. "Grandpa is right Aria. Big boys don't cry. We don't cry because big girls like you cry for us, so whenever you feel like crying Aria, cry. Cry for Grandpa. Cry for Mama. Cry for…Papa."

"Mhm," she sniffled as tears started to gush from her eyes and her face grew more flushed.

Dad pulled daughter into an embrace, tenderly patting her back. He had to stifle the pained expression struggling to float up. "And in return, Papa will promise to not let Aria feel lonely. Papa will wait for Mama to wake up with Aria. "

"Forever?"

"I'll stay with you forever."

"Pinky," she sniffled, "promise?"

Riven paused for a second, pondering his next words that could either break Aria or save her. A smile reflected in his eyes as he realized the undeniable answer. "It's a pinky promise."

A bright smile broke out on her face at the last sentence, and she happily jumped into her father enveloping arms. Riven lovingly wrapped his arms around his daughter and relished in the moment. Promises, breakable or not, trustworthy or false, were the only thing that kept him afloat. Promises promised him hope. This time, his promise had come in the form of a fragile little girl, his own daughter.

Author's Notes:

(1) A made-up fictional temperature unit called Magicilus. I know it's beyond lame.

If you liked this, I suggest you watch an anime (preferably in Japanese) called Clannad: After Story after you watch the first season called Clannad. If you don't want to cry, don't watch it. And that was a bit of shameless advertising for the shows I love.

Renachi