Twelve
The In-Finite Express is no longer in service now, it was shut down years ago due to a dispute by a particularly robust businessman who claimed he owned it and a particularly cowardly businesswoman who didn't know how to speak cordially.
The dispute arose because, in case you didn't already know; the entire express was made out of emerald lumber straight from the Finite Forest near to Paltryville and since the old contracts had been lost in a gruesome fire; no one knew for certain who owned the lumber and since no one did; the businessman proclaimed he did and thus a dispute arose.
The businesswoman however, knew of an incident that had occurred onboard the train some years ago; one that will occur very shortly in this story that related to termites that enjoyed devouring emerald lumber and tried in vain to argue that building a luxurious locomotive out of such faulty material was a big mistake.
Sadly there were spies in the court that day that voted in favor of the villain rather than the volunteer and so the In-Finite Express was shut down for good, although I do understand that some of the wreckage from this particular accident was recovered; but no termites ever were.
If you were to meet Violet, Klaus, Sunny or Beatrice and ask them just what had happened on that fateful evening whenever they stepped into the nineteenth passenger car of the tremendous train, I'm sure that the Baudelaires would tell you that they would rather speak about a different occasion; perhaps whenever Sunny had cooked up a nice batch of wasabi for them or when Violet had invented a tent for them to sleep in or Klaus had read a good book from T.S. Elliot but none of them would truly want to tell you about the unfortunate event that befell them that evening whenever the In-Finite Express' policy was completely and utterly shattered.
I wish that I did not have to relate to you the sorrowful events of that evening, even though my investigations did bring me to the wreckage that I found there in the forest that the mighty machine was now passing thru; and I know precisely who made it off and who didn't and what befell the train; because of all the unfortunate events that I have chronicled ones involving termites always make me a bit more squeamish.
But Klaus and his sisters didn't realize that their hopes of warning the passengers would end fruitless and that Mister Dominic would triumph in the end and the In-Finite Express would be derailed; all they knew was that Violet had told Vice Principal Nero, Mr. Bass and Mrs. Remora that they were going to assist the trio from Prufrock Preparatory School in robbing the fine freight they were traveling on toward a destination that they still were unaware of.
I wish so greatly not to mention any of these things and to end the story right now and to proclaim that the authorities came and locked all of the villains up and then the Baudelaires lived wonderful lives throughout the rest of their lives, but that is certainly not how the story goes; and so I must record instead the unfortunate events as they occurred whenever the banana chomping Mr. Bass closed the door to the passenger car and remarked, "How are these children going to help us rob this train?"
"How are these children going to help us rob this train?" Nero mimicked and then stated, "From what I have read in The Daily Punctilio, these four have caused many fires and deaths already! Robbing a train should be child's play to them!"
"The first thing we'll need to do is capture that annoying attendant, Monday and take the keys to the Employees only passenger car," Mrs. Remora said as her eyes shifted from Violet to Klaus and then the dirty teacher stated, "I think this is a perfect job for these orphans, because no one will suspect them." Sunny wanted to point out that many of the passengers of the express already felt that the children were murderers but wisely remained quiet as Vice Principal Nero gazed down at her and stated, "I sure hope you don't botch this up like you did at Prufrock Prep as my secretary!"
"I just wish I had a banana to eat!" Mr. Bass lamented. "I think what we should do is use those idiot volunteers who are always passing out heart shaped balloons as a distraction," Mrs. Remora suggested.
"Yes that would be a wise idea," Violet agreed and then added, "While they are singing their song, we can snatch the keys from Monday." "While they are singing their song, we can snatch the keys from Monday," Nero mimicked and then growled, "We're the ones who will make the suggestions around here, orphan! You just do as your told!"
Violet nodded and slunk back to where her other siblings were and Klaus whispered, "Are you sure this is the best way to get to the front of the train?
" "It maybe the only way, Klaus! None of the train attendants trust us now that Monday has said we are murderers," she whispered back. "I thought I told you brats to be quiet!" Nero growled and then added to his cohorts, "I suggest that we use those Volunteers Fighting Disease to sing a song in the Lounge and one of these cumbersome children can grab the keys from that train attendant."
"I agree with that idea," Mr. Bass said and then muttered, "When should we rob the train?" "I'm tired of waiting! Let's storm the Conductor's passenger car now!" Mrs. Remora declared. "First we need to get those volunteers so we can victimize them!" Mr. Bass decided.
"I wish that I could remodel their passenger car to make it a Violin recital passenger car, it would be much better than one for volunteers," Vice Principal Nero remarked. The trio of terrible teachers pushed Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice back out into the corridor and Mr. Bass stated, "You three orphans stay here; we'll go get the V.F.D. members." "There are four of us now," Sunny pointed out.
"We know that! Especially me since I love the metric system and I might add I believe you are far too short!" Mrs. Remora snarled. Nero and the other teachers walked into the next passenger car as Violet and her siblings stood there and waited, and again Sunny asked, "If we rob the train, then aren't we assisting them in their wicked scheme?"
"We need to warn the other passengers onboard the In-Finite Express that Mister Dominic is plotting to derail the train; and the only way we can do that is if we go to the Administration passenger car," Violet answered.
"Oh of course, I understand now," Klaus said with a nod and then explained to his two younger sisters, "Thursday told me that the Administration car is where the intercom system is at!" Beatrice and Sunny looked at Violet and then the youngest Baudelaire hugged her big sister and stated, "Aedi!" which probably meant, "I knew we could trust you, Violet!" or perhaps, "I'm so glad that we're going to stop this train from derailing!"
Soon, both Nero and the teachers, plus quite a few of the Volunteers Fighting Disease were crowding in the corridor and the bearded banjo player was stating, "I understand that there are quite a few people who have the measles in the Lounge, is that right?" Violet glanced over at Mrs. Remora who was glaring at her to such a point at the eldest Baudelaire knew how to answer and nodded before proclaiming, "Absolutely."
"Finally! Someone we can give heart shaped balloons to!" one volunteer who was holding a fiddle remarked. "There isn't a moment to waste, brother," the bearded banjo player told Klaus.
"There isn't a moment to waste, brother," Vice Principal Nero mimicked and then lead the group toward the empty Restaurant car and stated, "That's right we need to move now so that no one can stop us!" The volunteers fighting disease were too cheerful to notice the sinister undertone of the teacher's comment, but Sunny, Beatrice, Violet and Klaus understood immediately that Mrs. Remora, Mr. Bass and Vice Principal were no more interested in giving heart shaped balloons out in the Lounge then they were in providing evidence to clear the Baudelaires' names whenever there had been a mock trial at the Hotel Denouement.
And although the children wished that they could ask the problematic instructors from Prufrock Prep how they had escaped the inferno which had burnt that fine establishment to the ground, Violet and her younger siblings also realized that the trio of thieves leading them to the Lounge wasn't too interested in divulging that information either. As they passed thru the car where they had been previously locked up, the banjo playing volunteer and his group sang out,
We are Volunteers Fighting Disease,
And we're cheerful all day long.
If someone said that we are sad,
That person would be wrong
And as they went thru the Passenger car and the Open car, other volunteers joined in saying,
We visit people who are sick,
And try to make them smile,
Even if their noses bleed,
Or if they cough up bile.
And as they approached the Neophyte passenger car which was as empty as always, all of the volunteers together sang,
Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee,
Hope you get well soon.
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee,
Have a heart-shaped balloon.
And whenever they reached the roar of the Manicure passenger car, the Volunteers Fighting Disease continued to practice; not noticing the wicked looks in Mr. Bass' eyes or the sinister glee that Mrs. Remora was showing,
We visit people who are ill,
And try to make them laugh.
Even if the doctor says
He must saw them in half.
We sing and sing all night and day,
And then we sing some more.
We sing to boys with broken bones
And girls whose throats are sore.
Whenever they arrived at the Lounge, Vice Principal Nero declared, "Everyone in this lounge needs a heart shaped balloon!" Klaus immediately spotted Monday and told his sister, "Now is our chance to grab the keys. As the volunteers explained how they sing to men with measles, Violet walked to where Monday was standing and as they continued to pass out heart shaped balloons to women they thought had the flu; Klaus distracted the frilly haired woman and before Monday even knew they were there; the Baudelaires had grabbed the keys and yelled to Nero and the others, "We have the keys!"
The V.F.D. members were now all throughout the Lounge singing the final chorus of their repetitive song as Vice Principal Nero and the two other teachers reached the Kitchen and Mr. Bass said, "I was under the impression that you three orphans would never resort to a life of crime, but perhaps I was wrong about that the same way I was wrong when I thought I didn't need to pack any bananas for this trip."
"Now we can get to the Dining car!" Sunny declared. "Now we can get to the Dining car!" Vice Principal Nero mimicked as he snatched the keys from the former infants hand and then said, "You're a worse thief than you were a secretary! We're not interested in any meals, you fools! We're interested in hijacking this train and holding the passengers for ransom!" "Can you even measure how much money we'll make from this heinous heist?" Mrs. Remora asked as she rubbed her dirty palms together in excitement.
"Can we also ask for some bananas?" Mr. Bass wondered.
"That's the wonderful thing about kidnapping, we can ask for anything we want," Mrs. Remora explained and then gazed down at the Baudelaires and said as if they weren't there, "I recall that Esmé told me their fortune was rather large! I'll bet their parents will pay a hefty sum for them!" Klaus and his sisters didn't even bother informing the terrible teacher that their parents had died long ago, which might've been obvious enough if the dirty teacher had remembered the Baudelaire's time at Prufrock Prep, so instead the four siblings wordlessly followed the teachers thru the remaining passenger cars until at last they arrived at the Hallway and Mr. Bass asked, "Should we tell Dominic what we're up to?"
"He'd probably take it all for himself!" Mrs. Remora decided.
"He'd probably take it all for himself!" Nero mimicked in agreement and added, "Why should we let him do that whenever we take it all for ourselves! And now thanks to the Baudelaires that is precisely what we'll get to do!" All of the villains apparently were agreement with this idea and so everyone remained quiet as they passed the Guest car and then Nero rummaged thru the keys and then muttered, "It will take forever for us to find the right one!"
"Here, let me try," Klaus told the Vice Principal. "Don't attempt to pull a fast one, orphan; or I will toss you from this train without a second thought!" the snail loving teacher told him as he passed the key ring to Klaus.
Quickly, the middle Baudelaire looked thru the assortment of keys and found the correct one for the door that was in front of them and then without hesitation unlocked the door to the Employees only passenger car. On the other side, Ronald or perhaps his twin Donald, was sleeping and Mrs. Remora shouted aloud, "Wake up you idiot! We're seizing control of this train!" Ronald or perhaps his twin Donald fell from the bed onto the floor and then glanced at all the wicked people and asked, "What is the meaning of this?"
"What is the meaning of this?" Vice Principal Nero mimicked and answered, "Can't you hear? We are taking over this expedient express and holding it hostage!"
"You'll be taking us to the Administration car now!" Klaus said, getting into character. Mrs. Remora pushed the middle Baudelaire aside and declared, "You'll do as we say or we'll see to it that everyone on this train dies!" Violet and her siblings weren't sure how that coincided with the teachers plan to hold the In-Finite Express hostage; but apparently Ronald or perhaps Donald was too sleepy to think it thru and muttered, "All right, please; everyone just calm down! I'll take you to the conductor."
Mr. Bass smiled in expectation and said, "I bet he has been holding all of the bananas to himself." Nero and Mrs. Remora ignored his comment and pushed past the Baudelaires and followed the attendant thru the Dining car. "Come on, while they're worried about holding the train hostage we can warn the passengers of Mister Dominic's vile plan!" Violet told her siblings. Together the four orphans passed thru the Dining car which was oddly enough empty save for a few tables and then entered the Conductor's car right behind Vice Principal Nero and Mrs. Remora.
The two teachers had quickly captured Donald and his brother and the dirty teacher remarked, "This is fantastic! At last! This will be our greatest heist!" Violet, Klaus, Beatrice and Sunny quietly crept across the Conductor's car toward the next passenger car and hoped that no one would see them, but sadly that didn't happen. For as they neared the door to the Burning room, a voice called out from the other side of the passenger car, "Where do you children think you're going?" The Baudelaires froze in their steps toward the Administrator's car and Klaus turned to see Professor Edwick and Mister Dominic were standing there and their nemesis was glaring at them and the teachers who were holding the train conductor hostage and finally Mister Dominic laughed out loud and stated, "Why am I not surprised to find all of you here? I should've known that locking you in your room would never work!"
"Dominic! We were about to inform you of our plans," Mrs. Remora said with a stutter, to which Professor Edwick remarked, "Don't even try to explain yourself."
Nero didn't even have the heart to mimic as the two villains entered the Conductor's car, and Mister Dominic declared, "I suppose this all works to my advantage after all! Now you four orphans will witness first hand the derailment of this terrible train!"
"Quickly Klaus! We have to get to the intercom!" Violet declared and then opened the door to the Burning room. What the eldest Baudelaire didn't know was that someone else had hidden something inside the Burning chamber and as the oldest orphan opened the door she hit the box that was inside the chamber and then everyone in the Conductor's car turned to see what had happened whenever Violet Baudelaire opened the door and gasped as they saw Professor Edwick's termite collection crash onto the floor and immediately the termites who were starving headed straight toward the wood and began to eat it like no tomorrow, a phrase which here means "so fast that no one there could even keep track of the insects."
And the Baudelaires had inadvertently caused the worst mess to ever hit the In-Finite Express.