Chapter 3

"Chess?" James suggested for want of something to do and Holly smiled and nodded her head with a gentle sigh then dropped onto the floor to set the board back up. They sat either side of the heavy wooden coffee table where he had played with the children and James pointed his wand at the fire to ignite it as an evening chill fell around the room.

"Checkmate!" Holly laughed an hour later which was the first thing she had said since the game began and James pouted across the table at her.

"Has Uncle Ron been teaching you too?" he chuckled batting her hand over the table as she smiled; she looked beautiful and he was desperate to reach out and grab hold of her but something was holding him back, a hidden signal from her which he was still afraid to face.

"You were always a sore loser!" she laughed looking more like her usual self then she stretched out her body and yawned loudly, "Oh excuse me, those kids tire me out!"

"Shall we…shall we go to bed?" he asked a little tentatively and she nodded her head in reply pushing herself to her feet and beginning to tidy up the chess pieces which had just reformed after their game. "Leave them," he whispered reaching out and taking hold of her hand while looking warmly at her.

"But it'll be a mess in the morning," she protested looking down at his hand and not at his face.

"I'll clear it away," he went on tugging the hand gently and moving around to her side of the table. She still kept her eyes down but allowed him to lead her out of the room after he had extinguished the fire with his wand; he held her hand tightly as they climbed up both sets of stairs to their master bedroom where James closed the door behind them and finally let her hand go. She moved from his side when he let go and walked to the dresser where she started to unbutton the top that she wore, "Let me do that," he whispered as he stepped up behind her and slid his arm around her sides to the pearly buttons. The mirror in front of them showed him where they were and as he slid it from her shoulders carefully he began to kiss the white skin beneath it. It had been so long since they had even slept in the same bed never mind had time to be together in one and he felt like a nervous teenage virgin as he turned her to face him and leaned down to kiss her soft lips. She responded to him a little more than before but it still seemed hesitant and as he pulled her towards the bed he felt her reluctance which stabbed at his heart like a knife. "Holly," he whispered and she opened her eyes, "do you want me to stop?"

She shook her head in reply but closed her eyes again as he undressed himself and then slowly removed the rest of her clothes. When she was naked he ran his hands along the curves of her body; she was not as skinny as she had been ten years ago but three pregnancies had given her a rounder figure which still excited him as much as it always had. He traced his fingers across her few, almost unnoticeable, stretch marks which he had always teased were like his war wounds but for giving him five wonderful children. At his touch she swayed a little and he felt some relief; she was not turning him away but she was not making any attempt to touch him either. He gently tugged on her hands and she sat on the bed beside him then he moved back and pulled out the covers so they could climb beneath them; he knew something wasn't right and it felt wrong to force this on her so instead he beckoned for her to join him. Pulling the blankets over them he turned her on her side and curled up behind her draping one arm over her waist and sliding the other beneath her neck. Then he just held her, for the longest time, not pushing himself, not speaking to her just laying with the woman in his arms and building up the courage to ask the question he feared the answer to.

"Holly," he eventually whispered, "what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" she asked quietly.

"With us? With me?" he said swallowing over the lump in his throat, "Something isn't right and it wasn't right the last time I was home either."

"N…nothing," she stuttered and he gently turned her over to face him and gazed at her face; there were tear tracks running down the side of it and he reached out to wipe them dry.

"Then why are you crying?"

"Because I…I…" she couldn't find an answer and could feel and hear her heart beating like a wild drum against her rib cage; she knew he had sensed it but she wasn't sure if she could explain it.

"Holly, we once promised to always tell each other the truth, no matter what the outcome would be, or how it would make the other one feel. You're distant with me, like you were then and I need to know is it just because I've been away for a long time or…or…is it something else?" he murmured almost afraid to say the words.

Holly coughed quietly and then held the covers up to her chest as she sat up in the bed and looked at James; he was woeful and looked petrified but she knew she had to speak the truth to him, whatever it was. "It's something else," she uttered.

"Is…is it someone else?" he had to ask feeling his chest constrict.

"No," she blurted looking him straight in the eyes, "no James, I would never…never do that."

"Then…what?" he whispered trying not to choke.

"I don't think I even know James but…" she trailed off and didn't finish the sentence.

"But you don't want me here," he uttered in a low voice as his eyes fell to look at his hands.

"What?" she asked.

"When I told you earlier that I was home for a couple of months you weren't happy, you just said, 'Oh,'."

"Did I?"

"Yes," he nodded and she looked guiltily away.

"I…I…" she sat up even straighter determined to say something to try and explain to him and to herself how she was feeling. James was a good man and he didn't deserve to be lied to, she loved him, somehow and knew it was only right to be as honest as she could be.

"Isabella says you're sad when I'm away," he told her remembering what the child had said about wanting her mother to be happy.

"I was…once," she admitted, "I always was…but," he gasped at her words and she felt it cut her heart too; she had not allowed herself to believe that statement until now but she knew in her heart that it was true.

"But?" James probed.

"But then I stopped," she went on feeling the realisation dawn on her, "I think I stopped missing you eventually because you were gone for so long…and so often. I just got used to it; I gave up everything for the children so you could carry on and you left us behind to follow your career. Which I never begrudged you James," she added quickly knowing that he had not meant for this to happen. "Never, I love my children…our children," she corrected, "and I happily gave up everything for them; but after a while I learned to manage them, to manage our lives... without you and…and I did stop missing you."

"But I miss you all the time, all of you," he spluttered as tears began to fall over his eyelids and down his cheeks in torrents. "I hate to be away from you and count down the days till I'm back."

"And we used to too, the children still do but…but I had to live my life and run the house and them without you. I love you James, and I always will but somewhere along the line I…I stopped…needing you," she breathed finally admitting both to herself and him the melancholy she had been feeling about his return. It wasn't that she didn't want him there but she wasn't bothered if he was there or not.

"You…you don't need me anymore?" he asked tears continuing to stream down his face as he felt his heart being ripped from his body.

"No…" she murmured as tears fell freely down her own face. "I don't," she finished honestly pulling the covers over her completely and looking at the half broken man in her bed. "I learned to do without you and…and now… I'm sorry James, I really am. I didn't ask for this; I didn't want it to happen; but it did and…"

"What about the children?" he croaked.

"They still need you James, and they always will; you are their father and nothing will ever change that. I have seen today how much they need you in their lives and I will never try to stop you from being with them but…"

"But you don't want me to be with you?" he asked hoarsely

"I…I don't know," she said honestly.

"But if I'm here, if I stay here and give everything up would you learn to need me again?" he begged sounding desperate and her heart broke in two for him; this was not what James Potter would do but she could see he was desperately trying to hold on to his family.

"I honestly don't know," she admitted, "I'm…I'm sorry." She reached out a hand to touch his shoulder and he flinched slightly but let it rest there as he tried to control his sobbing; he had always wanted to provide for his family and had once told Holly he would give anything up for her; but had he left it too late to do that?

"Do you want me to go?" he asked wiping the tears from his eyes and trying to focus.

"No," she said, "not…not now; the children need you, they want to see you now you are home and…and I don't know what we will tell them; but…I'll…I'll go and sleep downstairs," she continued moving to get out of the bed.

"No," he said forcefully, "I'll do that; if the children see you in there they will think it strange. I can tell them that I moved for the triplets; I'll bring them in to you they never remember coming to our…your bed."

"James this is our bed; it will always be our bed…I just…"

"You just don't want me in it," he said trying to hold up his head.

"No James, It's not that," she cried standing up as he climbed out of the bed and searched for his trousers. "I…I…" she stuttered but she didn't know what words she wanted to say. Her eyes were streaming with tears and she knew this could be the end of her marriage; did she really want that? Hadn't they promised to be together through everything until death parted them? But were the promises enough?

He walked away from her and she ran after him desperate to comfort him in his pain but knowing she was the wrong person to be doing it. "James," she said as he reached the door and she grabbed hold of his arms he stopped but did not face her and she had to turn him round, "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't want this to happen; it just did and…and…" she flung her arms around him as she sobbed and he slid his down her back holding her tight. "I still love you," she added.

"This is not going to help," he said eventually letting her go and staring at her now naked body again, "you should find a nightgown and I'll bring the triplets in.

"Just bring Ellie," she said through muffled sobs, "the others don't come very often any more; they are growing up and being brave, like their father. Only Ellie comes to me most nights." He nodded but did not say another word as he crept across the landing and gazed down at the three sleeping children in the room; they looked happy and peaceful and he did not know what kind of wake up they were going to get soon; but he dashed the thought from his mind for a moment as he lifted Ellie in her arms and carried her back to her mother's bed.

Holly was stood by the dresser again when he entered and he gently laid Ellie in the space he had just left and turned to leave the room again without a word to his wife; he could hear that she was still crying but knew comforting each other would do no good; this was going to be painful no matter what. Closing the door behind him felt like he was closing the door on his life and every footstep he took down the landing and the stairs to the spare bedroom felt like another stab in his heart. He was walking away from the woman he loved, the woman he had vowed to spend the rest of his life with, the woman he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but the woman who didn't know if she wanted to spend the rest of hers with him.

He made it to the bed and lifted up the covers; as his head hit the pillow a fresh wave of tears overwhelmed him and he indulged them, allowed them to fall as he felt his world cracking around him. He had waited too long to get out; he had done too much. While he was off working and fighting Holly had continued living. He never had her in his work life and so had never learned to live without her but for Holly it was different. He had been in her life and had left it for longer and longer periods of time until she had learned to live life without him, not willingly, but it had happened and now they had to face the consequences. This was not Holly's fault, it was neither of their faults; they had not asked it to happen, it just had; the question was, where did they go now?