Chapter 4

James woke the next morning to the sound of children running around and for a fraction of a second he smiled as he remembered that he was at home. But then, when he opened his eyes and saw where he was, he also remembered what Holly had said to him the night before. He felt instantly low as he realised he didn't know what was going to happen next and he felt afraid to get up and actually face the day. The love of his life telling him that she had stopped needing him had been the most crushing blow he had ever received and he had spent much of the night kicking himself for not seeing it coming, for not thinking that it might happen and coming home. "Daddy!" squealed a voice as his bedroom door burst open and a trio of almost identical looking children filed into the room and jumped on the bed.

"Sorry Daddy," Ellie said shyly sitting on the edge while the other two clambered all over their father and he put on a smile for them all.

"For what Sweetheart?" he asked curiously looking at his daughter.

"For sleeping with Mummy," she said looking down and James felt immediately guilty for using her as an excuse for why they weren't sharing the same bed.

"It's okay Honey," he said reaching out and pulling her across the bed. "Her snoring was keeping me awake anyway," he laughed forcing himself to appear happy for their sakes. "Come on," he continued jumping up out of the bed, "it smells like breakfast is ready!" The triplets bounced off the bed with him and bounded out of the room to the stairwell while James set about finding something to wear, "And make sure you wash your hands first!" he added remembering what Millie and Arthur were like. He trudged up the second set of stairs to his own room and crept in feeling as if he was entering a forbidden room; she had said it would always be their bed but glancing at it now he already felt that it wasn't. Quickly grabbing some fresh clothes he dressed hurriedly and followed the smell of bacon down to the kitchen where he found the children sat eagerly at the table while Holly cooked over the stove. "Morning," he said quietly as he entered the room.

"Morning," Holly replied in almost a croak.

"Morning Daddy," Isabella and Daniel shouted simultaneously and he sat down with them to pour out a glass of pumpkin juice from the jug on the table. Then Holly dropped a plate with a bacon sandwich on it before him and he picked at it while he watched the rest of his family tuck in. The children chatted amiably and James put on a front for them while Holly sat quietly at the other end of the oak table; she looked forlorn and his instinct was to comfort her but he knew that wasn't the answer this time. As she cleared away after them James tidied up the children and sent them out into the warm sunshine to play in the garden again. He helped them fish out old toys from the shed which they had not played with for a while and set up a few of them to play with. After ten minutes they were running around happily and James asked Isabella to watch them closely while he ventured back into the house to find Holly; there was little point in skirting around the issue for long and realised they needed to talk.

"Holly?" he called in a slow voice as he walked through the kitchen door; she wasn't in there but a few seconds later he heard her come down the stairs and watched her re-enter the room with a basket of his washing.

"James," she answered quietly looking over at him with a slip of a smile. "I was just catching up on some washing," she added taking the basket over to the sink.

"You shouldn't do those," he said walking over and taking the basket from her, "not…not now. I think…I think we should talk," he finished and she nodded her head slowly at him. "The kids are busy and Isabella is watching them," he explained dropping the basket on the kitchen floor and taking a seat at the table. She followed suit and took a chair beside him dropping clasped hands onto the top of it and staring at them morosely.

"James," she began, "I'm…I'm so sorry; I didn't want this to happen I swear, it just…"

"It just did," he said in a strong voice, "but what we need to decide is what we do now."

"Aha," she replied nodding her head but not looking him in the eyes. "I do love you James," she went on, "and I will always care about you. I know I said all of this last night but it's true; it's just that I am so used to living my life without you now and I think…I think that's the way I want my life to be." She almost choked on the words because she knew what they were going to do to him. It was true that she loved and cared for him and did not want to hurt him but it had to be said and something had to be done. "I think I've felt like this for a while," she continued, "I tried to ignore it; I tried to pretend it was just because I was trying hard not to miss you too much and like I said…that's what I did."

"I…I understand," he admitted making her gasp, "while I was working away I missed you so much, all of you because I was away from my life; but I never had you there in that part of my life so I never knew what it was like not to have you in it. You…you have been doing a marvellous job bringing up our children while I was away but you carried on doing the same things you always do, without me, and the more I was away the more you learned how to live like that, without me."

"James, this is not your fault," she impressed, "none of this…it... it just happened. This is what life did to us; we lost the spark and spontaneity somewhere along the line; life and our circumstances got in the way and…this was the result. We both knew life would be like this when we got married; but I didn't know what it would do to us, to me."

"What do you want me to do?" he asked sincerely.

"I really don't know James," she said honestly, "I only admitted this to myself last night and I just don't know where it leaves us now."

"Is there…is there anything I can do to…to change things?" he asked feeling desperate but needing to know if there was any sort of chance for them.

"I don't know James," she repeated, "I wish I did but…"

"Do you want me to go?" he asked.

"No James, this…this is your house and the children need you too; you should stay here…for now."

"But I don't know if I can do that; I don't know if I can live with you Holly and not…not be with you. This hurts so much but being around you everyday, sharing a home with you and knowing that you feel like this…it will crucify me," he went on as she started to cry. "I want you Holly…I still need you and if I can't have you then…then I can't be here." His voice had gone hoarse and it cracked on the words as tears started to fall from his own eyes; he reached out to touch her hand and she let him comfort her…comfort himself as he needed to.

"What about the children?" she asked looking up at him through mournful eyes.

"I'll be here, I'll come back; I am not going away for a while. I'll go to Mum's and they can visit me too; I want to see them, Holly, and I don't want to leave them but…but don't you think I have to?" She started to nod her head as droplets fell furiously from her face onto the table top and James swallowed hard before saying, "I'll go and pack some things."

"Now?" she asked looking at him aghast, "but…"

"There's no point in putting it off Holly; if we are not going to be…together as man and wife then…then we cannot live together as man and wife anymore," he explained and then stood up to walk slowly back up the stairs. The thuds seemed to echo his heart beat as he climbed slowly through the house he loved to the bedroom which he already knew wasn't his anymore. Throwing a few things into the kitbag he had just emptied he turned to leave it again but walked slowly over to Holly's side of the bed where he opened the drawer in the cabinet and took out the photograph she had hidden away. He folded it carefully and stuffed it into the side of his bag before leaving the room and closing the door behind him; then with a wistful glance in the triplet's bedroom he set off back down to the kitchen.

Holly was still sat at the table and he could see that her body was wracked with sobs; he walked over and tentatively reached out a hand to her shoulder afraid she might push him away but she surprised him by standing up and stepping into his arms so he could hold her. This was hard, much harder than she had expected it to be and though she knew everything she had said was still true she also knew this was the end of something big in her life, something she had been living now for a long time and that was still going to be devastating. "I truly am sorry James," she sobbed as he stroked her back, "I don't know what else to say," then she leaned up and gave him a kiss. It was neither passionate nor tender in a sensual way and it broke his heart to feel it. There was love in it but not the kind of love he was used to feeling from her; the kind he realised now he had not felt from her in a very long time.

"I should go," he said pushing her gently away from him and wiping his eyes; it was at that moment that Isabella came running into the room and stopped stock still in the doorway; Holly had to turn away from her to hide her face but James tried to put on a wide smile and said, "Hey."

"Daddy?" she asked quietly seeing the full bag at his feet, "You said you were staying for a long time, this time."

"I'm not going away," he said walking towards her and kneeling down to her level. "Listen, you know how Mummy likes to have you with her all the time?" he asked shaking his head and smiling at her. "Well Daddy's Mummy wants to have him with her for a little while, because I've been away for such a long time."

"But you're a grown up," she said with a curious look, "you don't have to live with your Mummy now."

"I know I don't Sweetheart but Nanna Potter wants me to stay for a little while; I'll only be over at Grimmauld Place and you can come and see me whenever you want to. And I'll come back here too to see you and Daniel and the triplets."

"And Mum?" she asked looking over at her mother who had finally turned her head in their direction.

"And Mum," he added trying desperately to keep his voice from cracking again.

"But she'll be sad again now, if you go. She was happy yesterday when you came home like we were but if you go then she'll feel sad again."

"No she won't because I won't be far this time," he went on glancing over at Holly as if he was speaking to her more than Isabella, "I'll only be a floo away. And she'll have you to make her happy, all of you," he added looking out of the door where he could see the other children still playing on the grass. Isabella looked warily at him and then at her mother; she was a little to old to buy the story about her grandmother wanting him at home.

"But I don't want you to go Dad, I like it when you are home," James heard a sob escape from his wife and knew this conversation was hurting her as much as it was hurting their daughter but there was nothing she could do about it; the children would have to accept what had happened.

"I know you don't Sweetheart, but I need to do this for a while," he went on glancing at Holly again; she had turned her head back to the wall and he could see she was crying again. "Come on, let's go and tell the others," he went on standing up and holding out a hand to her but she pushed straight past him and ran up the stairs out of sight making James feel like the worst father in the world.

"You're going to be the man of the house again," he said to Daniel half an hour later after he had explained to him and the triplets that he was going to stay with their grandparents for a while. They had frowned at him like Isabella but their reaction had not been as severe as hers; they were sad but treated it like he was going back to work again and said they would see him soon.

"I've only just stopped being that," his eldest son whined as they stood at the fireplace to see him off; Isabella had refused to come back out of her room and James had been up to hug her goodbye. However she had not said a word to him and had also ignored Holly when she went to coax her round. Kneeling down James hugged the triplets and then looked over at Holly who had tears running down her face again; she stayed back and watched the scene from the kitchen table and mouthed another I'm sorry before he flooed out of his family home and back to the place he had grown up in. He had not seen his mother or father yet or even told them about his extended leave but he knew they were going to be as devastated as he was when he confessed that his marriage was over.

James spent a week wallowing in his childhood home, rattling around with his mother and father who had been shocked at his news; Ginny had wept for him, and with him, and Harry had watched on completely gobsmacked. He knew life as an auror was tough on the family at home but he had never expected this to happen even after his own experiences of feeling like an intruder when he came home. His son seemed only a fraction of his former self and he remembered the days when Ginny had left him with the children for a while, believing he had been seeing another woman. Listening to the tale had not helped James' mood but Harry was praying there was some hope for them yet as Ginny had changed her mind eventually and they had continued their wonderful life together. He said Holly just needed time but James was not as convinced as his father.

The family had flooed in to visit and console him at various points in the week but he had not been able to stand their pitying voices and had been short with many of them; as a result they had stayed away for a while. He visited Mill Cottage each day to play with the children and put on a brave face but everytime he saw Holly he wanted to hold her and kiss her, even though he knew he should feel angry or something towards her; but he just couldn't; he still loved her too much. She was amiable with him and smiled as he played with the children but she felt at peace with her decision and knew they had come to an end, even if it was heart breaking for them both. The thing she was more worried about were the children, especially Isabella who had barely left her room since James' departure.

She was old enough to understand that something was wrong between them and she blamed them both for not being able to get along and live in the same house. Coming down only at her mother's insistence to eat and do chores she had stayed quietly away from everyone else and barely even spoken to her father when he visited. It upset them both and after he had put the triplets to bed one night they sat down to talk about what they could do. What James wanted was to come home but he knew that was the wrong answer; it would be no better for the children or him to be in a house with two parents who were not in a relationship anymore. Eventually Holly had told Isabella the truth hoping she would be mature enough to understand but she had refused her explanation saying that she should be happy to have Daddy back at home; and with tears in her eyes Holly had admitted defeat and decided to let her come around of her own accord.

They both felt guilty but found it was the only thing they could talk about which took the pressure off them. James didn't know what to say to someone who had stopped needing him and Holly didn't know how to talk to him anymore when she knew he was hurting so much. It was strained but they were desperately trying to hide it from the other children who weren't sure why Isabella was so upset.

James took them over to the Burrow on his first Thursday night home for the feast which his grandmother Molly still prepared with a little help from some of her daughter in laws. Isabella came along but would not speak to her father and sought out her cousin Remus immediately taking him down to the river and away from the chaos which she couldn't cope with. This was not what she had wanted to happen and she felt so angry with her parents for doing this to them and themselves. Her mother's explanation had made no sense as she missed her father everyday but she was angry with him for going and not trying to fight for her mother. James watched over them from the top of the hill and remembered the first time he had brought Holly to the weekly first; she was the only girl he had ever invited and he couldn't imagine ever inviting anyone else. It was at that moment that he realised one day he might do, that one day he could meet someone else, and so might Holly and that cut at his already bruised heart making him almost cry.

While they ate Isabella stayed with Remus at the other end of the table; James helped the triplets and tried to keep the mess down. He marvelled at the ever expanding family who always managed to fit around the table but felt scrutinised by them all as they looked over him with sad expressions; this was the first time there had been a separation in the family and somewhere inside James thought he had let everyone down. The Weasleys and Potters prided themselves on having loving and lasting relationships and he knew that somewhere he had gone completely wrong.

He left early so the triplets would be bathed and in bed by seven o clock and arrived in his old living room to see Holly curled up in a chair with a magazine. He smiled as he stepped out holding Millie and saw Daniel with Arthur but Ellie, who had flooed out with Isabella, was sat on the floor by her mother's feet and when he looked to his wife she lifted her eyes to the ceiling.

"What can we do about her?" he asked when Holly came down the stairs; he had waited until the triplets were in bed and then asked Daniel to go up to his room, "She can't go on like this."

"I know," Holly replied, "I wish this hadn't all happened."

"But it did," James said quite sternly and Holly felt herself taken aback at his words. "Sorry," he went on seeing her reaction, "but she has to get used to it, this…this is how things have got to be."

"I tried to talk to her; I told her the truth but she blames me for making you leave; she thinks I pushed you out because I stopped…"

"Needing me?" he filled in for her finally feeling a little bit of the anger he knew should have come out of him earlier. He had tried not to feel like this knowing it would not change anything but he could see his lovely daughter wilting away before them and he suddenly felt like he needed to blame someone.

"Yes," she answered quietly.

"Then maybe she should blame you," he barked back and Holly gasped. "I left because I couldn't stand to be near you and not have you as my wife; it would be too hard and now she can see that's why. But she's angry at both of us; I was the one who got up and left them, again," he continued, "whatever the reason." Holly didn't say anything, she couldn't; she did blame herself everyday and she didn't feel any happier now that he was gone than she had when he came back. "I should go," he went on needing to get away from the situation; though he wanted to see his children seeing Holly was just too hard and he had to leave, "I'll see them tomorrow night," he added as he jumped into the fireplace and then he left without a backward glance at his wife.