Chapter 5

He flooed straight to the Leaky Cauldron where Salamander had suggested he join him for a drink, he could see his friend needed some company and though he had not told him anything about the break up yet Sal just wanted to be there for his friend. "She said she stopped missing me," James suddenly announced from the opposite side of the booth where they were sitting, "and didn't need me anymore." Salamander looked up to see his pain filled eyes staring bleakly at him and he didn't know what to say in return. He couldn't imagine what the withered looking man was going through as he and Rose were as happy in their marriage as they had been from the start; they now had two children, Maria and Stephanie and he could not see his life without them all in it. "It was my fault, I should have given it all up sooner, I should have stayed at home. But she always promised me we would be alright, that she could cope with me working away so much; she just learned to cope too well."

"I'm sorry mate," Salamander offered not knowing what else to say.

"That's what everyone says," he huffed.

"I know this is a stupid question but how do you feel about it all?"

"Honestly Sal, I just feel numb. I want to be angry, I want to blame Holly but I can't, I can see why it happened and where it came from but I can't see a way to fix it. I don't want to make her miserable but I don't know if I can go on without her either. She still doesn't know what it all means for us, but if she doesn't need me then…where else is there to go but separation?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly, "how are the kids?"

"Isabella won't talk to either of us," he explained, "the others just think I'm staying at Mum's for a bit but she knows, she understands what's going on and she hates us both for it. She blames Holly for pushing me away and she blames me for leaving and I don't know how to bring her round. She has always been fiercely strong willed and I don't know how to make her see that this is what has to happen."

"Maybe you just have to give her time to get used to it, I don't think there's anything more you can do," Salamander offered before they went back to drinking in silence for a while longer. "Do you think we should call it a night?" he eventually asked feeling guilty that he was going home to his loving family while James was going back to his parent's house.

"You go," he said, "let me wallow a bit longer."

"I can't leave you here," Sal said.

"I'll be fine mate, I can look after myself. I'm going to have to," he growled.

"Are you sure?" his friend went on standing up and reaching for his cloak, he had promised Rose he wouldn't be too late even though she knew he was being there for her desperate looking cousin.

"Certain," he replied without looking up from his drink then he motioned for Tom to bring him another bottle as Salamander slowly made his way down the pub to the fireplace and flooed out to his own home watching his forlorn best friend drain another bottle of strong ale.

James sat alone for another hour getting steadily drunk by himself and was about to return home when he heard a voice from the corner of the room singing his name, "James Sirius Potter, alone in a bar, now there is a sight I thought I'd never see." He lifted his head slowly to look up at the sound and saw a tall, blonde haired girl looking down at him, she was familiar but he could not pick out her name. "Kelly," she offered seeing the look of concentration cross his face as he tried to determine it, "it was a long time ago," she added taking the liberty of joining him in the booth. "So how come you're draining the contents of an ale bottle by yourself, I thought you had a wife and kids to go home to."

"I did," he said moodily.

"Did?" she asked curiously and he glared menacingly at her, he didn't want to explain to anyone else, he was tired of explaining.

"Don't anymore," was all he said and she accepted it.

"So you're drowning yourself in here instead are you? Looking for some company?"

"Not especially," he returned but she did not move to get up, instead she signalled for two more bottles of ale and paid the barman when he brought them over. "Cheers," James said begrudgingly as he took the bottle she proffered to him.

"Not up for talking about it then?" she asked.

"No," he barked back feeling incensed that she had taken it upon herself to sit with him,

"What about a shag then?" she asked boldly and he slowly raised his head to look at her with a menacing look. He remembered her a bit better now, she had been young when he had known her but then so had he. It was in his early auror days, in fact during his training and he had met her here in the bar. She was exactly his type, blonde hair, big boobs his natural choice for a quick shag and as he stared in amazement at her question he had to admit that she still looked very well. She would still only be in her early thirties, perhaps just a couple of years younger than he was, and she had cared for herself. "Never expected to hear that again did you?" she laughed when she saw his reaction, he was quite inebriated but not so much that he was unaware of his action, "Come on James, I need some action and you definitely need some action," she went on.

"No," he barked feeling a little outraged that she had actually asked so blazenly, it was the last thing on his mind and he had been about to leave before she so rudely interrupted. "I'm going," he added standing up and walking over to the bar, but he swayed as he stood and Kelly jumped up to steady him.

"I think you might need a bit of help with that!" she teased dropping his arm over her shoulder but he stood himself up straight as if to prove that he was fine and she let him go.

"I just need some fresh air," he announced in a sharp voice and without another word to her he headed for the door to the alley which led into Diagon Alley. He gulped in the cool late night air as he stood with his back to the wall where people tapped the bricks to gain entrance to the wizarding shopping streets. It was pitch black out there and the sky was covered with thick cloud obscuring the stars shining above it, at first the fresh air made him feel unsteady but after a few moments his head began to clear slightly. He was about to go back into the pub and floo home when the heavy oak door creaked open and the annoying woman he had left behind stepped out to join him.

"Feeling any better?" she asked standing by the wall beside him and leaning against it with one arm.

"A bit," he replied, "enough to get myself home now," he finished pushing himself away from the wall.

"Shame," she crooned reaching out a hand to touch his arm, "I just got myself a lonely little room at the inn."

"Enjoy your stay," he shot back but as he turned to leave Kelly flung an arm at him and in his wavering state he fell back against the wall trapping her with is arms as he tried to steady himself.

"Now this is more like it," she exclaimed reaching one arm around his waist and leaning her head up to kiss him. He drew back from her and glared menacingly for a moment but she simple pouted at him and made her eyes sparkled as she goaded him to continue. He felt like she was daring him to do it and with one swift movement he grabbed the girl roughly with one arm pulling her body against his and forced his lips into hers kissing her angrily but feeling her enjoy every single second of it. She was already gasping for breath when he pulled away and with an angry glare he stared at her for a moment panting as he tried to make sense of what he was doing, tried to rationalise it in some way but all he could hear was his loneliness and desperation and within second their lips were pushed together once more and James' hand began to slide fiercely up her skirt, she groaned at his touch as he pushed his other hand up her top and cupped one breast over the bra she wore. His other hand was already pulling down the knickers she wore beneath the short skirt and she had begun to hastily unfasten his trousers beneath which he was wearing nothing. When his hard, throbbing penis was out he picked Kelly up and pushed her against the wall, furiously sliding her skirt out of the way as he prepared to penetrate her. "Go on James," she moaned in his ear, "I know you want it," and she tried to push herself down on top of him but he stopped at her words.

James pulled his head back and looked at the girl freely giving herself to him in a back alley at almost midnight and he recoiled at himself and at her. Dropping her unceremoniously to her feet he stepped back and looked at what he was doing, this wasn't him, this wasn't James Potter anymore and it hadn't been for a very long time. He felt disgusted with the tramp whose face was turning angry and with himself, had he really been prepared to shag a random girl again because he needed someone? He stared at her with a look of repugnance as he re-buttoned his trousers and stepped away from the woman, "I can't do this," he whispered turning on his heel and running into the pub straight in the direction of the fireplace where he jumped into the flames and whizzed home.

An hour later he was still awake in his bed at Grimmauld Place staring at the picture of himself and Holly which he had taken from her bedside drawer. He longed to be the person within it again, the man that she had needed and he found himself needing someone, needing her. He stared at it for the longest time imagining they were still like that, trying to pretend that he wasn't in his old bed where had grown up but that he was out on assignment away from his love but that she was there at home waiting for him, missing him and needing him. But the bubble burst straight away, he knew it wasn't real and he knew he had to deal with what had happened, for his children's sake if not his own. The image of Kelly half stripped in the alley behind the Leaky Cauldron came unbeckoned into his mind and he shuddered, had he really been about to do that? But then another thought joined it, he wouldn't be sharing any time like that with Holly again and if he ever wanted to satisfy his physical needs it would have to be with someone else, someone who wasn't the beautiful brunette in the picture. But would he be able to do it?

After a fitful sleep he woke and trudged downstairs feeling hungover, his father was sat in the kitchen reading the Daily Prophet which he closed when he saw his son enter. "Bad night?" he asked seeing the suffering look on his face and James grunted a reply. "Want a potion for it?"

"No thanks, I'd rather have the pain, at least it's distracting," he groaned collecting a glass from the dresser and filling it with water. Harry watched his slow movements, like most people around them he had run out of things to say to his son and though it made him feel a bit like an idiot he remained quiet as James set about making some toast and a cup of coffee. "Are you seeing the children?" he eventually asked when his son sat down at the table and slid the now folded copy of the Prophet towards him.

"Tonight," he answered sullenly, "going to bring them to stay over here, if that's alright?"

"No problem with me and your mother will love it," he replied, "and Isabella?" he added tentatively.

"Who knows?" James said shrugging his shoulders, she had joined him for the Thursday feast but steered clear of him the whole time, eh wanted to see his daughter but he didn't want to make her miserable or lake any of this harder on her.

"She'll come around James, or Holly will," he tried again.

"Stop saying that Dad," he barked back, "she won't she's made up her mind and-"

"But you said she didn't know," Harry interrupted in a stern voice, giving up hope was not going to help, he remembered that from his own mistakes once.

"Only because of the children," he answered gruffly, "so stop pushing it will you?"

"I'm sorry son," he whispered.

"And will everyone just stop being sorry?" he yelled as the flames in the fireplace turned green, Lily stepped out of them just in time to hear his slur but he ignored the fresh visitor and marched out of the room to wallow a little bit more alone.

"Oh," Lily shrieked as she dropped Roberto, who she had carried in her arms, onto the floor and watched him walk over to his grandfather.

"Ignore him Sweetheart, he's grieving."

"I know," she replied with a soft smile as she watched her father lift Roberto into the air and swing him around like he used to do with her when she was little. "Where's Mum?" she asked.

"Gone to see Holly," he coughed.

"Oh," she repeated feeling lost for any other words to say.

"Have you seen her at all?" Harry asked as he put his grandson back on his feet and sent him to the toybox they kept in the corner of the kitchen for all of their grandchildren to play from.

"No," she answered shaking her head, "I didn't know what to do for the best, it's all so…so tragic," she whispered. "Rose said that Holly stopped missing him," she went on. "I just don't understand how, they love each other so much Dad and I miss Raulph every day, I can't wait until he comes home again; how can it be so different for them?"

"I'm not sure Darling, but everybody's relationship is different, I keep trying to tell him that Holly might come around, he's been away for so long this time, it's bound to have affected them somehow, especially when Holly was just getting on with everyday life. She feels that she can cope without him but I think she might find that it's not a permanent thing, you know it's always a little bit strange when Raulph first comes home, you're used to it being just you and Roberto."

"Yes, but I never don't want him to be there," she interrupted.

"I know, but Holly I don't really think that's what Holly wants either. James won't listen to it though, he's adamant that it's all over and I don't know how to talk him around anymore."

"Oh Dad it can't be, they can't split up for good."

"I hope they don't," Harry returned.

"DO you think Mum will be able to change her mind? Is that why she's gone to see her?"

"She's gone to talk to her yes but I don't think it'll be as cut and dried as that, the only thing we can do is wait, and hope," he finished and his dole eyed daughter simply nodded her head at him.