Chapter 6

Thanks for the review! It's been a long time since I've been on but feels good to be back! In answer to the Albus question, there isn't a particular reason why he doesn't feature other than I've never identified with the character and I don't know why really, I think lily features slot because I've done a story about her so know the character, have toyed occasionally with writin about Albus but can't seem to find the inspiration with him (poor Alby!) "Nanna!" Millie squealed as Ginny Potter passed through the gate to Mill cottage then the toddler launched herself in her direction closely followed by Arthur and Ellie who had heard their sister's call. They were out in the garden again, making the most of the end of summer before they would be confined to the house. Holly was watching over them as Isabella was still hiding out in her room all day and she looked down at her feet when she saw her Mother in Law walking towards them all. She had known Ginny would visit eventually and she knew she didn't know what she would say to the mother of her now estranged husband; they would be naturally supportive to James and she was unsure of the kind of reception she would get.

"Hello Darlings," Ginny said softly when the triplets reached her. "I swear you've all grown again," she added taking two of them by the hand and continuing towards her woeful looking daughter in law who was sat on a blanket with a book. "Holly," she said as she approached and she lifted her head to nod. "Why don't you three go back to that game you were playing while Mummy and I have a chat?" Ginny continued softly turning to look at the children, "I'm sure Daniel will watch over you." Her other Grandson, who had been playing with a set of gobstones nodded his head at her enthusiastically and ran off down the garden with the triplets following in his wake, giggling and shrieking as they went.

"Ginny," Holly said in an almost broken voice, "Can…can I get you a drink?"

"That would be nice dear," she answered as Holly got to her feet and then she followed her into the kitchen and watched as she set about boiling the kettle. Her movements were nervous and she clattered many things around as she worked eventually making Ginny get up to take over; placing a hand over hers and taking the kettle she whispered, "I'm not here to lecture you Holly, I'm here to listen."

Holly looked up at her and a small whisper of relief covered her face, "I…I thought-"

"That I'd be here to have a go?" Ginny interrupted.

"Well…"

"Holly," she began softly, "I have been the wife of an auror for a long time, albeit a retired one for most of our lives, but I still understand what you are going through. I'm here to offer a sympathetic ear; someone who has been in your shoes before that might be able to give you another perspective perhaps. I love my son Holly but I love you too and I know how difficult it can be living with someone who is away all the time, it…changes things."

"Things changed for you and Harry too?" Holly gasped sitting down on a high stool by the kitchen bench as Ginny poured them both a cup of raspberry tea.

"Of course they did," she replied passing over the mug of hot liquid, "shall we go into the lounge?" she suggested and Holly picked herself up off the stool and trudged into the living room taking a seat in a large leather arm chair while Ginny sat opposite on the couch. "How are the children today?"

"Isabella still won't come down, except to eat, and I think Daniel is starting to get suspicious because of it; but the triplets just think he is away again at work; they are too young to remember his living here all the time," she sighed.

"And how are you?" she asked surprising her.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. "I keep thinking that I should feel different, that something should change now but…but it hasn't. I still feel the same as I did when he wasn't here and I don't know when or if that will change."

"I have to ask this Holly but do you think there could ever be a chance that you…you made-"

"A mistake?" she interjected looking down at her hands and Ginny nodded. "I've thought of nothing else since he left," she admitted. "When he came home I knew there was something wrong, something different between us. I told him that I had stopped missing him and stopped needing him because it felt strange to have him around again, even just being in the house and…and in our bed. When we talked about it and I admitted how I felt I expected things to change; I expected to feel some sort of relief but…but I didn't…I don't; I feel exactly the same as I did before, just…lonelier."

"I left Harry once," Ginny said making Holly gasp.

"What?"

"When James was nine; I took the children and went to Luna's father's house. I thought he was seeing someone else but of course he wasn't."

"So what...?"

"He had gone back to the ministry," she went on, "with Ron. They had gone back to work for Abery, the last head of the auror department, and he had hidden it from me. In all the time I thought he had been unfaithful I thought if I find out it was all wrong, if I've made a mistake I will feel so silly and stupid so eventually I had to let him explain; I had to listen. However when he told me the truth I just felt worse; of course I was relieved that he hadn't cheated on me but the fact that he had gone back to work made me so angry. He had put his career before me and the children; and as it was so dangerous I was scared that he would be taken away from us. I thought that if I made myself move on from him then I wouldn't be devastated if something happened to him."

"But you…you went back to him?"

"Because I knew that no matter what, I still loved him and…and wanted him."

"I still love James, Ginny and I always will but while he was away I got on with life; I brought up the children and learned to live without him; I stopped needing him. Surely you felt like that once, when Harry was away for a long time?" Holly asked.

"Just after we were married you know that Harry was taken from me. I was told he had died and my heart broke completely; but then we discovered that it wasn't true, that the ministry had covered up a blunder and he was just taken." Holly nodded her head; she knew this story as James had also worked on the case with the same Dark wizard involved. "He was gone for almost ten months, as you know while I was pregnant with James. In that time I had to learn to live without him and I had no idea when or if he would come back to me. When James was born I had to cope alone and yes I learned not to need Harry; but that didn't stop me from wanting him. And when he came back I let myself need him. You may think that you don't need James and there is nothing wrong with that Holly; we should all be able to live without a man but you have to ask yourself whether or not you want him because they are two different things. You have always been a fiercely independent woman and I admire that in you; being married to an auror has only developed that further; but just because you can live independently doesn't mean you have to. Search your heart Holly, your own, not the children's and think about what you want; you say you still love James but do you still want him? Because if you do, you need to be careful that you don't lose him."

Holly had begun to sob at her words and Ginny rose from her seat to put an arm around her shoulders, "I don't want to push you into anything Holly I just want you to be happy; but if you are not happy without him maybe you need to give it another chance. I know that James will do anything to make this work and it may be tough for a while but if you have any doubts at all about your decision you need to follow them; you need to be sure before you end your marriage for good. In the end I couldn't do it; even though I knew I could live without Harry if I had to I couldn't make that choice."

She stroked the sobbing woman's back and made shushing noises as Holly wept into her hands thinking about everything she had said. It had been a week since James had left and all she had actually done was think about him and think about what they had said; at night she laid awake thinking about her decision and even rolled to look at his empty space in the bed. She was used to the gap, it had been there for a long time, but as she thought about James only being at his parents house she had started to imagine him being there instead. This time he was only a floo away and the previous night as she had laid alone a tiny part of her had started to miss him a little bit. When she awoke she had dashed the thought away as feeling guilty but after listening to Ginny she wasn't so sure anymore; did she want to live without James? They had made promises, vows to one another that they would stay with each other through the bad and the good, wasn't this just a bad time? A consequence of his job? Would she really be happier if he left her home and her bed forever?

"Ginny I keep saying this, to everyone, but I just don't know. When I couldn't explain how I was feeling I just kept hoping that when he came back I would know; but then he did and nothing changed."

"It wouldn't at first," Ginny crooned sliding onto the chair arm and continuing to stroke her back, "when Harry first came home from Romania and I had James he asked me if he could watch as I breast fed him."

"What?" Holly asked in surprise looking up at her mother in law.

"I know," she chuckled back, "I could hardly believe it. What seemed like the most natural thing for him to be a part of felt like an intrusion to him; he felt so guilty for missing the pregnancy and James' birth that he needed to ask such a thing. You know how it feels when James first returns home; he feels like an intruder and you feel it too, don't you? He's there getting involved in the routines which you set up without him and I bet you get exasperated because he does that, and that makes you feel guilty." Holly nodded her head and looked up at Ginny, "Could what you are feeling just be a reaction to the guilt you have for thinking that you don't need him?"

She didn't answer the question but everything Ginny had said started to whir round and round in her head and she didn't know what she felt anymore. The only clear feeling she did carry now was guilt; guilt over what she had done to James; guilt over what she had done to the children, especially Isabella; and, as Ginny had said, guilt for knowing that she didn't need James anymore. "Need and want are two different things Holly and you have to think about them both, very carefully. Let me take the children for a while; spend some time alone without worrying about them; you need some space to think about yourself and about James," Ginny finished. "I'll take them over to the Burrow for a few hours, give you a break; Mum'll love to see them all! You can floo me when you want them home and I'll bring them straight back to you."

"Th…thank you," she croaked. "Where…where is James?" she asked.

"As far as I know he is at Grimmauld Place; he wasn't up when I left. Harry said he stumbled in after midnight from the Leaky Cauldron so he's probably got a bit of a thick head this morning. He'll be hiding out in his room no doubt because Lily was bringing Roberto over!"

"Oh no," Holly smiled remembering that Lily and Raulph's child was not the quietest she had ever met and she suddenly felt for James if he was suffering from a hangover too. "Did he…did he go alone?" she asked feeling a little guilty again; she knew he had only gotten drunk because of what was happening to them, "To the Cauldron?" she added.

"No, he was meeting Sal after he had dropped the kids off here; as far as I know they were together all night," she explained and Holly nodded. "So should I take anything with me?" she went on brightly trying to get organised so Holly could have a bit of time to herself without knowing that James would turn up with the children at anytime.

"Not really," Holly replied standing up and wiping her eyes; she was determined not to let the children see her upset and had put on a brave face all week to make sure of it. "There's plenty for them to do at the Burrow," she continued picking up the pots they had drunk from and walking into the kitchen. "I'll call Isabella," the weary woman went on as she walked to the bottom of the stairs and shouted her name. "Nanna Potter is going to take you all to the Burrow for a bit," she added hoping it would get a response but after a couple of minutes she still hadn't appeared.

"I'll go and talk to her," Ginny offered, "you get the others inside, we'll go by the floo."

Holly called across the garden to the bottom where Daniel and the triplets were playing hide and seek; she could see Arthur waiting by the tree as he had obviously been caught and Millie had just dragged Ellie from behind a flower pot. Daniel was down the side of the shed and from where she stood Holly could see him clearly but the seeker was searching in the wrong part of the garden,."You're far too cold down there," she called jovially as she walked down the lawn towards them and Millie turned to look at her mother. "Try that way," she whispered pointing towards the shed and the little girl toddled off in it's direction.

"Got you Daniel," she squealed as she grabbed her older brother's arm and pulled him out from the between the haphazard wooden shed and the tall grey stone wall which surrounded their grounds. It was one of the things that Holly loved about the house because the only way in or out was through the large iron gate along one side of the perimeter. The gates could only be opened from outside by a password and from the inside by one of the inhabitants so she always felt secure letting the children play alone outside.

"Mum, you're not supposed to tell her," Daniel whined as he trudged over to the tree they had used as a counting post. "At least she got Arthur first so it's his turn to seek!"

"You'll have to take the game to the Burrow," she explained at the four of them looked up quizzically, "Nanna is going to take you all over there so Mummy can have a bit of peace and get some jobs done!" she chuckled trying to remain as light hearted as she had throughout the separation.

"Yay! The Burrow," Millie sang as Ginny came back out of the house and hurried over to them, "Nanna!" she added as the older woman reached them, "Is Isabella coming?" she asked looking surprised not to see her eldest sister ready to join them.

"She's not in her room," Ginny explained when Holly looked quizzically at her, "and I checked Daniel's and the triplets' rooms too."

"But…she must be there somewhere," Holly replied starting to feel a slight sense of panic, "did you check the bathrooms?"

"Yes," Ginny said as Holly turned to walk back in the direction of the house.

"Isabella," she called in a high pitched voice as she walked but Arthur called out to her and made her stop.

"She's not inside," he said in a matter of fact tone of voice, "she went out."

"She went out?" Holly asked curiously walking back to her youngest son and dropping to her haunches so she could talk to him, "What do you mean she went out?"

"She went out of the gate," he continued pointing at the tall, wrought iron fixtures stood in the middle of the wall. He was talking as if Isabella going out was an everyday occurrence but Holly was suddenly starting to panic a little bit more.

"But Isabella knows she isn't allowed out of the garden," his mother said trying to convince herself as much as him that he must be wrong; she had probably decided to join the game of hide and seek and gone near the entrance to hide.

"But she went with a man," he said and Holly's hand flew to her mouth as she gasped.

"She…she…what?" Holly stuttered.

"A man," Arthur went on, "he came to the gate and she went out of it to him; he took her away with him."